Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:


"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.



I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).



A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"



I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.



An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."



An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"



I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."



A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"



A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"



A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.



Now you know why YOUR Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!

[Damocles]

So you want more vacation time?

So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be flipped out, if you’re gonna take that day off, too!

[Damocles]

Lawyer's Are Full Of Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[Damocles]

God's Kids

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

[Damocles]

On a Lonely Island


A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, nice nose, etc. But every time this poor guy attempts to kiss the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg off. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[Damocles]

Speech-Recognition Demo


At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in,"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

[Damocles]

Vocalist Jokes
Soprano Jokes:

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)

1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

Alto Jokes:

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes:

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end and ran them over with a paver, it would be a good idea.

Bass Jokes

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?

1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

High School Chorus Jokes

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Banjo Jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Accordion Jokes

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

Bumper Stickers:

1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles

Chang Jokes

A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of Danish with a band wrapped around it."

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician, each, one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

Conductor Jokes

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the crap in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.

[Athene]

Those are great jokes. Mind if I copy those? THANKS! :salute:

[Damocles]

Go ahead!

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

_______________________________

~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

________________________________________

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

______________________________

Just some more.

[Damocles]

What do you do with dead elementsl Barium!

As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead.
One turned to the other and said,
"You'll never get me up in one of those things!"

What was the pirate movie rated?
aRRRgh!

What subject is a witch good at in school?
Spelling!

What do firemen put in their soup?
Fire crackers!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!

What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Mooo-ve over.

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
It was a chicken.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station!

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What would you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What pie can fly?
A magpie.

What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!

How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S".

[Damocles]

I have to catch up!

Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Damocles]

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

[Damocles]

Lawyer Fishing

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

[Damocles]

The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[Damocles]

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Damocles]

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?

She got cold and turned off the fan.

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
Clean Blonde Jokes

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

[Damocles]

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[Damocles]

The Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

[Damocles]

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS


Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

[Damocles]

Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CARDSHARK.

Q: What is the average sharks favorite movie?
A: The Shaw-Shark Redemption.

Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show?
A: Shark Trek.

Q: Why do sharks wear shoes?
A: SHARKS HAVE FEET.

Q: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky?
A: The sky is Jet territory.

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A shark.
A shark who?
A shark who just ate your family, and now he's going to eat you!

Q: WHat doe a shark like to watch on tv?
A: Anything but Flipper!!!!!

Q: What is a sharks favorite bible story?
A: Noah's SHARK.

Q: What was the shark's favorite James Joyce novel?
A: FINnegan's wake.

Q: Why did the shark throw his clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: To get to the other TIDE.

Q: What is a shark's favorite Dustin Hoffman Film?
A: Midnight Caudal.

Q: Who is the shark community's favorite 1950s film actress?
A: Dorsal Day.

Q: Who is the shark community's favorite 1950s film actor?
A: Shark Hudson.

Q: What was the shark world's equivalent of Tom Delay's nickname?
A: The Hammerhead.

Q: Why did the shark commit suicide?
A: He was tired of swimming in circles.

[Damocles]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody remembers to start locking the gate at night!"

[Damocles]

Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.


Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.


Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.


Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.


Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.


Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.


Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.


Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.


Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.


Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.


Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

[Damocles]

For Buckeye fans!

http://tk1.storage.msn.com/x1p0vcOMR5sRSdcQCn695dg8ODXrJNxaUzSKx3qJ1uDkySNcdo4NVelDG84xCvc495AS3Z9Th9Z8gj_28SLDIB7R-GW3Xv58fAk3G7NHkNc4J8BoVYcbIdHjvxCcv7xLz1RCq9_MEIZwptx44FrH-cpntbhgmF8YnGH

[Damocles]

Lloyd Carr was trying to figure out why his Michigan team couldn't win like Ohio State. He decided to go down to Columbus to study the team. After one practice, Carr chased down Jim Tressel and asked "How is it you win so much, Jim?" Jim called out for Craig Krenzel to come over and asked, "Craig, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Craig replied, "That's easy coach, it’s me!" Jim thanked Craig, sent him to the locker room, and turned to Carr. "It’s all about having a smart quarterback, Lloyd." Carr was enlightened, so he went back to Ann Arbor and before practice called for John Navarre. "John, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Carr asked. John looked perplexed. "Coach, can you give me til after practice to think about it?" Carr, disgusted, agreed. Minutes later, in a huddle, John turned to Chris Perry and said, "Chris, man, you have to help me, coach is gonna kill me if I don't get this right. Who is your uncle's sister's son?" Perry looked at him funny and said, "Man, that's easy. Its me." Navarre, confident in his answer, went up to Coach Carr after practice and said "Coach, I've got it! My uncle's sister's son is Chris Perry!" Carr, disgusted as ever, yelled back at him, "NO NO NO, DUMMY! IT'S CRAIG KRENZEL!"
____________________________

I give you that one as a freebie.

[Damocles]

http://www.german-jokes.com/gjd.html

German jokes.

[Damocles]

Lots of jokes to make up.

BABOONS TO BEAVERS

BABOON
123. Who was the famous French monkey general?
Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte

BARRACUDA
126. What fish drink too much?
Beer-a-cudas.

BASS
129. How do stupid fish do everything?
Bass ackward.

BASSET
131.Did you hear about the female basset hound that placed a
classified ad in the newspaper?
It read: “Wanted. Handsome male basset. Object: Bassinet.”

BAT
133.Wife bat: “Would you like to go out for a bite tonight?”
Husband: “No. I think I’ll just hang around.”

145. Three vampire bats swoop into a bar.
“What’ll you have?” asks the waitress.
“Blood,” says the biggest one.
“Blood,” says the middle-sized one.
“Plasma,” says the smallest one.
The waitress turns and calls out to the bartender, “Two bloods and a
blood light.”

BEAGLE
147. Beagles should be kept under lox and keys.

BEAR
153. Eating bear meat is a grizzly experience.

180.Did you hear about the singers in Yellowstone National Park?
They’re bear-itones.

BEAVER

187. What did the beaver say to the tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

198. What do you say to a sad beaver?
“Why the log face?”

[Damocles]

http://www.cybersalt.org/cl_images/1zzzzxa/cats/catbaboon.jpg

[Damocles]

Cutting Labor Costs
The railways are always looking for ways to cut labor costs. Years ago there used to be five crew members on a train. Then they went to four, then three, and now many freight train crews are made up of two people, the engineman and the brakeman.

They finally figured out a way to eliminate one more crewman, and many were surprised to find out that they were eliminating the engineman. They replaced him with a baboon who had been sent to school for just one day. Most engineers study for years before they can qualify for the job.

On the first trip the brakeman was a bit leery, but thought he'd give it a try. They outfitted the cab of the engine with two color monitors, one in front of the baboon, and one in front of the brakeman.

While in the yard, the brakeman heard the carman on the radio call for the brakes to be setup for the brake test. The screen in front of the baboon flashed the message "SETUP BRAKES" and the baboon did.

Next, the carman called for the release of the brakes. The monitor in front of the baboon flashed "RELEASE BRAKES" and the baboon did.

Finally, the carman called and gave the "OK on the brakes, you may proceed." The dispatcher then gave the train the clear signal. The monitor in front of the baboon flashed "CLEAR TO PROCEED" and the train departed.

For the next four hours the screen would flash various messages and the baboon would do exactly what the screen instructed.

As the train pulled into the destination yard, the baboon's screen flashed the instruction "APPLY BRAKES, YARD TRAIN" and the train came to a stop right in front of the yard office.

The brakeman became worried. Here was the baboon driving the train and getting all the instructions. He started to wonder why the railway had kept him in his position.

Then, the screen in front of the brakeman beeped, began to make a horrible sound and started flashing: "FEED THE BABOON! FEED THE BABOON!"

[Damocles]

In the Queue Area

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile...we have good news for you. We have found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders--the men who will be helping you into the boats--how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One...Two...Three. There--those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you who are waiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if you'd like to see the line move faster, please raise your hand. Once again, please raise your hand if you'd like to see the line move faster. (crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have your hands raised, please take one step to the right and let the people behind you through. Now you'll definitely see the line move faster.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not take pictures while you are in the queue. Once again please do not take pictures while you are in the queue; They are nailed to the walls for a reason.

Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to remind you that cutting in line will not be tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise. That's right...there is to be no cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors will be ejected from the queue.

[Damocles]

OK, one:

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my giraffe." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

[Damocles]

A police officier is stopped at a red light. While there, he notices quite a din coming from the trunk of a car in front of him. He approaches the driver of said car and instructs him to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. The driver complies, and in the trunk are a dozen giraffes. The police officer says, "Take these giraffes to the zoo immediately!!" The driver says, "Right away officer!" and drives off.
The following day the cop is at the same red light, and who should be stopped in front of him but the same car with the same loud noise coming from the trunk.
The cop is really irritated now and again tells the driver to get out and open his trunk. There are the same dozen giraffes, only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman says, "I told you to take these giraffes to the zoo!", to which the driver replies, "But officer, I did...today they want to go to the beach!"

[Damocles]

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?

A: Squash

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?

A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?

A: The door won't close.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?

A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?

A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?

A: One by one.

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?

A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?

A: No, of course not.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?

A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

[Damocles]

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW parked outside it.

[Damocles]

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?

A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?

A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

[Damocles]

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?

A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?

A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?

A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

[Damocles]

Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?

A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

A: To hide in cherry trees.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a pickle?

A: Their color of course!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Big holes all over Australia.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?

A: Cold ones.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?

A: An elephant six-pack.

[Damocles]

Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

A: About three thousand miles.

Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?

A: Trunkquilizers.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?

A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?

A: By 'elephone.

Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?

A: For carrying their library cards.

Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?

A: The Tusk Fairy.

Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?

A: Pachydermatologists.

Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?

A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.

[Damocles]

How do you make a Gorilla float?
Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!

How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
Tell it an elephant joke!

How do you make a Gorilla stew?
You keep it waiting for three hours!

How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae?
Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''

[Damocles]

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''

A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

[Damocles]

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Telegraph by Deddi Shy The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Albert Einstein

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called rain.
Michael McClary

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).

The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the arts graduate just asked the tour guide.

[Damocles]

Buffalo
What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?

"Bison."

Anteaters
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

Because they're full of anty bodies!


Rabbits
What do you call a hundred rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line!


Snakes
First snake: "What is 56 minus 14?"

Second snake: "How do I know, I'm an adder!"

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Sheepdog
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a daffodil?

A collie-flower!

Frog
What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?

A ribbit!

[Damocles]

Q: What do you call a Volon baby?

A: Osh Kosh

......
Knock knock
Who's there?
Kosh.
Kosh who?
Gesundheidt!
......
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morden
Morden Who?
Morden that I can't tell you.

[Damocles]

Q: What's Neroon in Ring of Fire?

A: MinBar-B-Q

......
Q: What kind of luggage does a Pak'Ma'Ra take on plane?

A: Carrion

......
Q: How many Mimbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.
.....They always surrender before they finish the job and never tell you why.

......
Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One.
.....But in the Grand old days of the Republic,
.....Hundreds of servants would change thousands of light bulbs at our slightest whim!

......
Q: What's more dangerous than a locked room full of angry Narn?

A: One angry Narn--with the key.

[Damocles]

What do you say when somebody drops a 200 pound bell on your foot?

Ouch.

[Damocles]

What do you say to 535 Congress-cretins who pass a two trillion dollar deficit?

Do you want tar with your feathers?

[Damocles]

Hpw do you get lost in space?

Order through Amazon.com and get it on DVD!

[Damocles]

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a road?

A mess of feathers.

[Damocles]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Individual perspectives on the matter

Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

The Dead Sea Scrolls:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates:
To purchase Chicken 2.01a, which will both cross roads and calculate the energy it used. There are bugs, yes, but if you uninstall Traffic 2.0 and Farmer 1.2 it will run. If it freezes at WhiteLine 2.0, we have a patch ...

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

[Damocles]

Another Chicken joke.

"Three-Legged Chickens"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." (Molly - Ohio/USA)

[Damocles]

How fast can chickens fly?

Depends on how much air pressure is in the chicken gun.

xYyZXh9vCLU

[Damocles]

How many chickens does it take to lay an egg?

535 of them. Its called CONGRESS.

[Damocles]

When will all the chickens come home to roost?

Just as soon as we've found out just how CONGRESS feathered its nest, not only will the chickens roost; but some of them will be roasted!

[Damocles]

Congress jokes.

Why do we have a Congress?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Damocles]

"Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Republicans."

[Damocles]

Drop another two hundred pound bell! What does Captain Obvious say about you?


Way to go, kumquat!

http://distractible.org/wp-content/plugins/RndmImgs/Captain%20Obvious%20STUPID%20Done.jpg

[Damocles]

Moo.

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what's your neighbr's problem? He needs to go and get a bull and rent him to you for stud!

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one to a socialist for an enormous profit, buy a bull, and then build a whole herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares you bankrupt.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

[Damocles]

Moo.

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia

Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat

What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos

What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work

Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit?
They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!

[Damocles]

How many cows does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But getting her up the ladder is almost udderly impossible!

[Damocles]

How many fingers am I holding up?

You actually looked to see if there was an answer?

[bsg1fan1975]

lol

[Damocles]

Lightbulb jokes.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose molt.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get Back!".

[Aphrodite]

More like Canadian lightbulb jokes...

[Damocles]

More light bulb jokes.

University of California Lightbulb Jokes:

How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.
*******************

How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
*******************

How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Davis doesn’t have electricity.
*******************

How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
*******************

How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
*******************

How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.
*******************

How many UC Riverside students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Riverside looks better in the dark.
*******************

How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hire the undocumented worker mowing the lawn to do it for them.
*******************

How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: She holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her.

[Damocles]

More light bulb jokes.


How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Only one, but it takes at least three lightbulbs.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.

How many football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- An entire team, and they all get a semesters credit for it.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It depends on whather it has medical insurance.

How many fatalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It doesn't matter, We're all going to die anyway.

How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- "My god, it burnt out ! Sell all my general electric stock, NOW !!!"

How many cops does it take to screw n a lightbulb ?
- None. It turned itself in.

How many automechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Five. One to force it with a hammer, and four to go out for more lightbulbs.

How many bankers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

How many windows programmers does it tae to change a lightbulb ?
- 391. One to write "WinGetLightBulbHandle",
one to write "WinGetLightBulbStatus",
one to write "WinGetLight.......

How many Technical Support folks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can you tell me what kind af system you have ? Okay, exactly how dark is it ? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong.... Have You tried the light switch ???

How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven more to make sure Microsoft gets $2 every time a lightbulb is changed anywhere in the world.

How many Beta-testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We noticed the darkness; We didn't actually fix the problem.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. Bill Gates wil just redefine Darkness (TM) to be the new industry standard.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object would inherit a change method from a generic lightbulb class, so all You'd have to do, is to send a lightbulb change message.

How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- The bulb works fine on the system in my office.

How many ex-politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- As many as possible.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. He'll only promise change.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One to change the bulb, and on thousand to chant, "Fight Darkness. Fight..."

How many Apple Employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Seven. one to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.

How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- I don't know, but I could look it up for You.

How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Just one. But the bulb has to really WANT to change.

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Depends on what You want it to change to.

How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Five. And You should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

[bsg1fan1975]

oh good lord! what a way to start my Spring Break off with a good laugh!

[Aphrodite]

How many JAP's (Jewish American princesses) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What?!? And ruin my nails??

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two!

[Damocles]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two mice?

Uh no.......

There are four mice!

Star Trek Lightbulb Joke.

And now for something different.



Totally Kangaroo Jokes

Last winter a kangaroo caught such a fierce cold that come summer her family began using her pouch to hold popsicles.

And her baby joeys became known as the neighborhood chilled ren.

The dean of a major university took his staff on a field trip to the Australian outback. A zoologist by training, the dean lead his colleagues to one place after another, never stopping for rest until they spotted the wild animal they were looking for. Finally after searching in vain for over three hours with no success one staff asks his secretary, "Why don't we break into smaller groups to find these dogs??" "Impossible," replied the secretary firmly, "The dean happens to be the leading expert on dingos, so wherever the dean goes, we go!"

Why is that joey jumping in circles during the rehearsal of The Kangaroo Clock?
He's the second hand.

A clock has only three hands - hour, minute and second. Then why was a fourth hand added to the production of The Kangaroo Clock?
They needed a stagehand.

How do you tell when there's a Kangaroo under your bed?
You can't even start a dream without it jumping to a conclusion.

Southerner: Knock-Knock.
Shelley: Who's there?
Southerner: Kaingarue
Shelley: Kangaroo who?
Southerner: Dey Kain'tgrue Humpty Dumpty back together again!

Did you hear about the fancy Kangaroo that bought a zillion hat'n boots?
Hat'n worn a single one.

"You know, you were barely an inch long when you were born an tucked into your mamas pouch," the papa roo told his little joey. "My goodness!" exclaimed the joey, "I must've been undernourished!" "Oh no. You was the normal size." replied the papa, "You was just underaged."

Did you hear about the fluke kangaroo that won the roo marathon? It turns out the reason she won was because she was incredibly crowd-shy. Apparently she was so shy that she couldn't even change her pace with other roo watching.

A kangaroo saddle once owned by Seabiscuit jockey George Woolf recently sold for more than $150,000. The once jobless jockey considered the saddle good luck because it not only made his ride smooth but kept his checks from bouncing as well.

What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson after solving the case of the missing Kangaroo?
"It was roo-dimentary, Watson."

What kind of weed is considered best choice among the fashionable kangaroo?
Tweed.

Did you hear about the kangaroo that was hit by a foreign compact?
Had to go to the vet to have it dislodged.

Guy one: It's going to be a tough winter. I just saw a thousand kangaroo in line for Bermuda.
Guy two: For Bermuda grass?
Guy one: No, the country.

Then there was the guy who bought a kangaroo leather bra for his sports car to protect it from getting dings. Sure enough, after a long trip in the country side, there were no dings on his car - only dingos.

Why are kangaroo never buried at sea?
There are roo wills against it.

The Milton Berle Joke File defines cheap as someone with low pockets and short arms. Now the ACLRoo is considering filing a libel suit on behalf of the Marsupial family.

A kangaroo hops on a barstool in a saloon and orders a drink. A short while later a man walks in and says, "I don't drink with 'roos," and shoots the glass clear out of the kangaroo's arms.
A week later a bandaged 'roo hops in wearing a six-gun and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

Why was the single female kangaroo's fridge filled with prunes and figs?
Because she couldn't find any dates.

Two families of six roos each were in two separate fields of equivalent size yet the first roo family finished grazing two hours earlier than the second roo family. Why?
The first field was barley; second was tobacco.

What ailment do kangaroo who sit for long periods suffer?
Hemmoroo-oids.

What's the most common ailment among elder kangaroo?
Roo-matoid Arthritis.

Dingo one: That kangaroo has the worst taste in friends.
Dingo two: I know, I once bit one and I immediately threw up.

What do you get win you cross California politics with boomerangs?
Elected officials that recall themselves.

What's Tee-Kay's favorite TV classic?
I love Roo-cy.

What kind of Kangaroo gives advice from a mountaintop.
A Gu-roo.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Pouch and Sheikh.
Pouch and Sheikh who?
Pouch your right paw in. You pouch your left paw out.
You pouch your right paw in and you Sheikh it all about.

What's the most common foul called at a kangaroo basketball game?
A roos ball foul.

At a kangaroo basketball game, what's the most popular snack item in the pouch?
Slam-dunkin donuts.

Why did the Kangaroo bring an extra pocket-pouch to the golf course?
Just in case she got a hole-in-one.

[Aphrodite]

When I saw "And now for something completely different" I thought "Oh, cool! Monty Python jokes!"

I was wrong...

[Damocles]

How do you leave a Kangaroo hopping mad?

Monty Python: Michelangelo and the Pope

Renaissance Choir: [Gregorian Chant]

Servant: A Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness.

Pope: Who?

Servant: Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated statue of David.

Pope: Ah. Very well...

Servant: In 1514 he returned to Florence and de...

Pope: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!

Servant: Oh.

Michelangelo: Good evening, your Holiness.

Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper."

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah?

Pope: I'm not happy about it.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Pope: Not happy at all.

Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo?

Pope: What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.

Pope: I never saw a kangaroo!

Michelangelo: Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple.

Pope: Aah.

Michelangelo: All right?

Pope: That's the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope: The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope: No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them.

Michelangelo: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo into another one.

Pope: No, that's not the point.

Michelangelo: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.

Pope: That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples!

Michelangelo: Too many?

Pope: Well, of course it's too many!

Michelangelo: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?

Pope: There were only twelve disciples at the last supper.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of the others ones came along afterw...

Pope: There were only twelve altogether.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?

Pope: Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so.

Michelangelo: No friends?

Pope: No friends.

Michelangelo: Waiters?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Cabaret?

Pope: No!

Michelangelo: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose a few, you know I could...

Pope: Look! There were only twelve disciples at...

Michelangelo: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"!

Pope: What?

Michelangelo: Well there must have been one, if there was a last supper there must have been a one before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"! The Bible doesn't say how many people were there now, does it?

Pope: No, but...

Michelangelo: Well there you are, then!

Pope: Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not! Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ!

Michelangelo: One?!

Pope: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?

Michelangelo: It works, mate!

Pope: Works?

Michelangelo: Yeah! It looks great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

Pope: There was only one Redeemer!

Michelangelo: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

Pope: Well one Messiah is what I want!

Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer! That's you want. Not a bloody creative artist to crease you up...

Pope: I'll tell you what I want! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

Michelangelo: Bloody fascist!

Pope: Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what I like!


Paint him put of the picture.

[Damocles]

http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/4600/captainstupidtimebomb.png

[Damocles]

Some of these don't even make any sense!

Darth Vader's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10. Having to live a good part of my live with the name 'Anakin.'

9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying 'I told you so!'

8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.

7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad guy.

6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).

5. That darn Energizer bunny.

4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.

3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying 'This is CNN.'

2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt.

1. I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.

[Aphrodite]

Top Ten Jobs Palpatine Had Before Becoming Dark Lord of the Sith


10. Portraying Mrs. Snugglypuffs, a sweet rabbit that was butchered and sewn back together on each episode of the children's show “Death Cometh to Good People” on the ‘Evil Network.’

9. Selling software under the tutelage of his future master, Darth Gates. (Was fired after caught embezzling money for a project code named: Death Star)

8. Huttoria's Secret Fashion Consultant and Spoke model (Was fired after only selling black robes)

7. Five words: You want fries with that?

6. Grief Councilor (Was fired after keeping people sad)

5. Manipulative and deceitful game show host of the widely popular "Who wants to be a Supreme Chancellor?" (Was fired after it came to light that he also was a host and contestant)

4. Adolescent rap star "Pal-P-Teen" (Quit after seeing what happened to Vanilla Ice)

3. Dark Intern Of the Sith (Killed boss while he slept, and thus needed a new career)

2. Anger Management Teacher (Was fired for constantly encouraging people to “give in to their anger”)

1. Played corpse on CSI: Crime Scene Inquisitorius (Was locked in morgue after being mistaken for an actual cadaver)

[Damocles]

Top ten reasons Empire loses.

10. Leigh Brackett didn't write the final script.
9. John Dykstra did the original special effects.
8. Anakin Skywalker is a wuss.
7. Yoda has all the tactical brilliance of a muppet.
6. Jar Jar Binks is Palpies chief adviser.
5. Palpie IS a muppet.
4. Imperial technology is based on the obvious fatal flaw principle.
3. Storm troopers are picked for their ability to miss.
2. Princess Leia.

And the number one reason that the Empire loses?
1. Mark Hamill, as Luke, is the JOKER in the deck.

[Aphrodite]

HEY!! No bagging on Mark! I'm a HUGE Mark Hamill fan! And he was brilliant as the Joker, too!

[Damocles]

What is the difference between Mark Hamill and Captain Hook?

They didn't give Hook the hook in Peter Pan!

[Damocles]

Here’s my new favorite Captain Hook joke. Now you know that us Scandihoovians tell a lot of jokes. However, we make no claim that any of them are actually funny…..

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them did a dump and it hit me in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”

[Damocles]

What's a Pirate's favorite gas?


AAARRRGon!


Argon is the chemical element in the periodic table that has the symbol Ar and atomic number 18. The third noble gas, in group 18, argon is present in the Earth's atmosphere at slightly less than 1 %. This makes it the most common noble gas on Earth.

[Damocles]

What is a pirate's favorite booty?

Why a young piratess of course! It gets lonely out there with nothing but a bunch of pirates!

[Aphrodite]

And here I was thinking we were going to get leprechaun jokes. :P:

[Damocles]

I don't do short people jokes.

In honor of the day:

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
---------------------------------------------------

[Damocles]

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

[Damocles]

The foreign tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

[Damocles]

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......"

The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

[Damocles]

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.

Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
===========================

This actually could be true!

[Damocles]

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.

"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."

To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."

[Damocles]

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

[Damocles]

Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

[Damocles]

Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work to Dublin, he thought about her so much that he got off the trolley at 34th Street and went to the bus twerminal and took a bus clear to Yuma, Arizona.

[Damocles]

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

[Damocles]

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

[Damocles]

"And how much of that bank loot did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

[Damocles]

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

[Damocles]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[Damocles]

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

[Damocles]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

[Damocles]

Smith was standing in front of O'Riley's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Smith got out and very proudly said to the Irishman approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you English idiot!" said O'Riley. "I was pushing it!"

[Damocles]

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."

She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"

He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

[Damocles]

Fishing

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.

"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

"Caught anything?"

"Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms"

"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.

"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

[Damocles]

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

[Damocles]

A foreigner and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The foreigner thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied Finnegan.

[Damocles]

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

[Damocles]

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

[Damocles]

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

[Damocles]

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

[Damocles]

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook much better now."

[Damocles]

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

[Damocles]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

[Damocles]

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."

[Damocles]

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

[Damocles]

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

[Damocles]

CONFESSION
Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."
The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Ryan?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?"
"No."
"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

[Damocles]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[Damocles]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met with
Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer stupid candle."

[Damocles]

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

[Damocles]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

[Damocles]

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

[Damocles]

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll I do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

[Damocles]

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

Back

[Damocles]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two loose women."

[Damocles]

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

[Damocles]

An elderly Irish businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

[Damocles]

Word to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava.

[Damocles]

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

[Damocles]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Damocles]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to leak in the boat!

[Damocles]

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

[Damocles]

A young English gentleman sitting at an Irish pub with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

[Damocles]

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

[Damocles]

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

[Damocles]

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks Murphy's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk to the bar!!

[Damocles]

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

[Damocles]

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

[Damocles]

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

[Damocles]

An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

[Damocles]

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

[Damocles]

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

[Damocles]

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

[Damocles]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

* € or Euro converts to an American dollar, more or less, to the nearest approximation.

[Damocles]

Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

[Damocles]

I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.

'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

[Damocles]

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? to which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

[Damocles]

This one is a good one.

An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*. Joke Brian Boru Skull

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.' Joke Brian Boru Skull

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.

[Damocles]

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

[Damocles]

An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

[Damocles]

An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

[Damocles]

'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'

[Damocles]

Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate O'Reilly said, 'What's the big deal?'

Doolin said,' Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.'

[Damocles]

I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, 'You're a happy man.'
He said, 'I am.'

I said, 'Why?'

'Well,' he said, 'the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.'

'Thank God,' he said, 'I won't be hearing from them again.'

[Damocles]

In an Irish courtroom 12 men sat on the jury. After the trial, the Judge asked for their verdict.
'We find the man who stole the horse "Not Guilty",' said the foreman of the jury.

[Damocles]

Jokes
A Bit O Blarney's Facebook profile

He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

[Damocles]

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

[Damocles]

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

[Damocles]

A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

So he improvised. He found an Englishman.

[Damocles]

A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

[Damocles]

How do you recognize a Kerry pirate?

He's got a patch over each eye.

[Damocles]

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.

One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing.

"Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

[Damocles]

A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
"Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk.
"Thank you," said the Kerryman and hung up.

[Damocles]

A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

"Who was that?" asked his boss.

"Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."

[Damocles]

How do you recognise a Kerryman on an oil rig?
He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters...

[Damocles]

A Kerryman attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.

"Look," shouted the Kerryman, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."

"Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."

"I'm not talking to you," said the Kerryman, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."

[Damocles]

It was only to be expected that Kerrymen wouldn't take all of our jokes lying down. Scarcely had the echoes of the last Kerryman joke died away when the counter-attack began. Nobody was spared and the Kerryman as usual had the last laugh...

What do you call an intelligent Mayoman?

Lucky

[Damocles]

What is red and white and floats upside down on the River Liffey?

A Dubliner caught telling Kerrymen jokes.

[Damocles]

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

[Damocles]

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Episcopalians."

[Damocles]

Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they corked.

Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting,

"They're comin'". "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
"The Germans," replies Mick.
"How many are there?"
"About fifty thousand."
"Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."

[Damocles]

"Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.

"Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."

"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

"Dat's what I mean, Father..."

[Damocles]

Paddy stopped cutting the hedge as the big car drew up beside him and an English visitor enquired,

"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, Please?"
Paddy wiped his brow.

"Certainly, sor. If you take the first road to the left… no still that wouldn't do… drive on for about four miles then turn left at the crossroads… no that wouldn't do either."
Paddy scratched his head thoughtfully.

"You know, sor, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all."

[Damocles]

Sign in an Irish pub:
"This establishment closes at 11 o'clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven't had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven't really been trying." ----------------------------------------------

[Damocles]

O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle of Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

[Damocles]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy son of Ireland..." so he decided to set a test for Murphy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Murphy says, "Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell is that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir. 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?"

[Damocles]

Three Irish guys go into a pub, have a few pints and are ready to leave and pay their tab. The bar back brings them a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a tenner, and they leave.

When the bar back hands the £30.00 to the bartender, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The bartender gives the bar back five £1.00 notes and tells him to take it back to the 3 Irish guys.

On their way out of the pub, the bar back has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. (Editor's note: yes, I know they do not generally tip in Ireland, please just play along…) He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds.

OK! So far so good!

He taps one of the guys on the shoulder and explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, then departs with his two-pound tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!

Remember £30-£25=£5 Right? £5-£3=£2 Right?
So what's the problem?
All is well, right?
Not quite… Answer this:
Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.
They each got back £1.00 in change.
That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00.
The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.
£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.
Where the heck is the other pound??????????

===============================

The English have trouble with math don't they.

[Damocles]

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

[Damocles]

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

[Damocles]

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

[Damocles]

A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and destroyed
the entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT's have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

[Damocles]

How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None - Westmeath looks better in the dark.

How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high
off the old one.

[Damocles]

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

[Damocles]

Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?" The civil servant called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Damocles]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

[Damocles]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fruiter."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ladies' clothes fancier!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
===========================

At least that was what the Englishmen told the devil when they showed up for their sudden new job interviews.

[Damocles]

And to end this Irish joke marathon, a little something for you Irishmen to remember about Irish women, the smartest women on Earth!

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[Damocles]

How many Irish jokes can you stand?

About 100 it turns out before I'm sick of them.:barf:

[Aphrodite]

Lol!

[Damocles]

Martian jokes.


IN A VACUUM
A Martian was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it
on or off?"

MARTIAN AND HER PET DOGS
A girl was visiting her Martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The Martian responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the Martian. "They're watch dogs!"

[Damocles]

How many lobbyists does it take to screw up light bulbs?

http://www.examiner.com/a-1126541~Timothy_Carney__How_many_lobbyists_does_it_take_to_change_a_light_bulb_.html

Only two, but boy can they screw up light bulbs!

[Damocles]

What do you get when you cross a Ford Mustang and a cow?

Hamburgers and a 2200 pound paper weight. What did you expect after the wreck?:D

[Aphrodite]

LMAO!!
:rotf::LOL::D

[Damocles]

What is more frightening, a charging bull, or a charging wife?

The wife, the bull doesn't have a credit card.

[Damocles]

New Father jokes.

Go to the hospital
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

[Damocles]

Naming your child

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

[Damocles]

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

A few jokes in honor of Cylon 13

[Damocles]

Some welding jokes

An attorney met with his client, a welder, to discuss a potential lawsuit.

"On the phone you said you were about to be sued," said the lawyer. "Who's threatening to sue you?"

"My assistant," answered the welder. "I hired him a few months ago. Now he's claiming he was hurt on the job."

"Well," said the lawyer, "before we decide on a litigation strategy we need to find out whether he's telling the truth. What have you done to make sure that he was really hurt?"

"I set him on fire with my welding torch."

[Damocles]

On a blind date, a welder decided he did not want to be stereotyped by his profession, so he refused to reveal it to his date.

He took her to dinner and a movie, all the time taking careful precautions to avoid revealing his identity as a welder. After the movie, he asked his date if she had figured out his profession.

"You're a welder," she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"How could you possibly know that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "the biggest hint came at dinner when I told you how romantic the candlelight was, and you handed me a welders mask and said, 'It won't be very romantic when you go blind, Here wear this.' ."

[Damocles]

GW Expat: A welding nation

by Sam Sherraden
GW Expat


Senior Sam Sherraden, an international affairs major and former Hatchet photo editor, spent the summer studying abroad in Beijing, China and is spending the fall semester further north in Harbin, China. Twice a month, he will share his experiences and observations from East Asia as one of GW's many expats.

The joke started when we saw someone just off campus, squatting on the ground, welding without eye protection, but instead using a white dinner plate to shield his eyes from the intense light. He would move the plate occasionally to see what work he had done, cover again and keep on welding.

Because rapid urbanization in China's cities and suburbs has created a vast market for construction, seeing people welding is commonplace. So, after seeing people welding with dinner plates, on the sidewalk, on campus and in quantities that we have never seen before, we have running joke among friends that in China, welding is a hobby. Not necessarily a hazardous or skilled profession, but rather something one does for entertainment in a park with friends or in the 11th story at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night because the blue light and sparks look cool.

One day we were carrying on about welders everywhere, and my neighbor Du Lin, an HIT junior, heard us joking and told us that he was a welding major. We explained the joke, and then he told us among all students at HIT, welding majors have the easiest time finding employment. HIT is the only University in China with an undergraduate welding department, and its graduates are in high demand.

While we make jokes in jest of the haphazard nature of some welding in China, we realized so many people working in construction sites melting steel together is quite a poignant symbol of China's rapid urbanization.

Since I drove in from the Beijing airport last June, I have felt like I was walking through the computer monitor of the classic computer game, SimCity. Buildings are being erected everywhere. In Chaoyang, one of the most modern and developed districts in Beijing, flocks of cranes litter the sky. Migrant workers from the west and central provinces sleep in bunkhouses on site, and during the day work long hours to finish construction before the 2008 Olympic Games.

Olympic deadlines have made the pace of construction in Beijing particularly fast, but I realized after traveling around China for a while seeing welders and construction sites in every major city I visited, that rampant construction is not just an Olympics phenomenon. From Ulumuchi, Xinjiang to Chengdu, Sichuan, cities across China are rising up out of the ground.

I was once told that more skyscrapers are built annually in Shenzhen, Guangdong, than exist in the city of Chicago. Shenzhen, now a booming city across the border to Hong Kong was once a small town. After being designated a Special Economic Zone in 1979, it is now the home of numerous manufacturing enterprises and one of two stock exchanges in mainland China.

Shenzhen is one of China's 166 cities with more than one million residents which together have average growth rates are 10 percent annually. The New York Times' recent profile of another Guangdong metropolis, Dongguan, reported that during the past 20 years, Dongguan has transformed from a small town to a city with seven million residents and soaring annual growth rate of 23 percent.

The large capital investment that goes into each new building and the returns investors expect to make back, makes me think about where this country is going to go in our lifetime. But, urbanization carried out at such a rapid pace without proper government oversight naturally has costs. It has led to social problems, poor usage of arable land and misallocation of resources.

In this way, China's urbanization is similar to the profession of welding that my friends and I commonly joke around about. Welding and urbanization are both necessary to build and grow, but when done with a dinner plate on the side of the road, the welder and China are likely to later encounter significant structural problems.

Not a joke. They are going to pay for this with many lives.

[AJMarks]

Okay, I'll try:
Hear about the three, oh, wait, that one's not a clean joke.

How about the old man, oh, that's one's not clean either.

Hmm

How about the rope joke?
No!
Skip it!

[Damocles]

HUNG WITH HIS OWN LEGAL ROPE!

Cigars on Fire No Joke

A true story. -- A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

But...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

http://members.aol.com/Z321go/Lawyer.htm

Now that is a rope joke and absolutely true.

[Aphrodite]

^that is the funniest true story I've ever read!

[AJMarks]

Yep, sometimes it doesn't pay to win. Bet the lawyer now wishes he had lost the first case.

(Did you guys get the rope joke though, I don't know many people who do get it. I usually have to explain it.)

[Damocles]

Nope. I'm a dope about the rope
joke unless it involves soap and a Moose.

[Damocles]

You are from Canada
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

1. You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

16. You head south to go to your cottage.

17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

20. You find -40C a little chilly.

21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

23. You can play road hockey on skates.

24. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

[Damocles]

Try to settle the dispute
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

[Damocles]

Strange people are here
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

[Damocles]

The new Euro language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

[Damocles]

Purchasing a new bird
Panda After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

[Damocles]

They're boasting about race records
Panda Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Damocles]

A frog calls a psychic
Panda Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Damocles]

These chickens want books
Panda A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[Damocles]

A guide to walking tigers
Panda Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

[Damocles]

A snail buys a fast new car
Panda There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

[Damocles]

A very insulting parrot
Panda This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

[Damocles]

Easter bunny jokes.

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

[Damocles]

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.

[Damocles]

Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

[Damocles]

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano?

Ans. He was playing by ear!

[Damocles]

Easter Bunny Joke Marathon.

Easter Bunny Jokes

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny

[Damocles]

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?

A. Because it was a little chicken.

[Damocles]

Q. What do you call a dumb Easter Bunny?

A. A hare brain.

[Damocles]

Q. Why can't an Easter Bunny's nose be twelve inches long?

A. Because then it would be a foot.

[Damocles]

Q. What do you call an egg laying rabbit who tells jokes?

A. A funny (as in weird) Easter Bunny.

[Dawg]

Knock, knock.

[Damocles]

Oh no!

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to read any more ether bunny jokes?

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these darned ether bunnies?

[Damocles]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.

And that is the "pun"ishment I earned for starting to think about ether bunny knock knock jokes. I can't leave a pun alone.

[Dawg]

Well, you enlarged on the ether bunny knock-knock I was telling, but here's one more to close it out:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, ether bunny will be back again next year.

[Damocles]

Reasons I Still Believe in the Easter Bunny

1. Hey, I watch television. Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.

2. Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.

3. When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.

4. It was a little cafe somewhere in France, I was young, and yes, I believed everything he told me.

5. Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

6. Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.

7. Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.

8. I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.

9. Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.

10. Someone has to believe in the Easter bunny.

[Damocles]

Sunday, April 08, 2007
Easter Bunny Hunt
Deanna Troi is looking delighted; well she might, as the chocolate Easter eggs are about to be handed out.

This chocolate-mad Betazoid always goes for the extra-yummy GigaEgg.

"The ship has stopped." says Data, just as I am bringing in the bag of eggs, with Deanna already in pole position to grab the big egg.

"What is the reason, Mr Data." I ask.

"It would seem that a few vital components have gone missing from Engineering" he replies.

Suddenly there is a flash and I notice our uniforms have changed; we are all wearing yellow rabbit costumes. There is only one answer to this.

"Q!!!" I shout.

"You called, Jean-Luc?" Q answers as he appears, "My, oh, my, Starfleet uniforms do appear to have changed. Do you think you will charm you enemies wearing those?"

"You're responsible for these aren't you?" I reply angrily.

"Oh, go on, Jean-Luc, I confess." Q laughs, "It was me that put these charming bunny costumes on you. Don't forget it is Easter."

"I refuse to be dressed as an Easter Bunny!" declares Worf, "A Klingon warrior should not be seen like this."

"Nor should a Borg drone!" says Seven of Nine, "The Borg Queen shall hear of this!"

"Don't be party poopers you two!" teases Q, "Just enjoy the Easter celebrations."

I must admit inwardly I smiled at seeing Worf and Seven in yellow Easter Bunny outfits, though I would never tell Q that!

"Get us out of these uniforms right now, Q" I demand.

"Not before we have an Easter Treasure Hunt." he replies, "I've scattered the eggs around the ship and put a component in them. Take the eggs to Engineering and then the Enterprise engines will work again. You won't be able to go or get your uniforms back until you complete the task."

Q vanishes.

"What do we do now, Captain?" asks Geordi, who is carrying an egg basket with him.

"If we go out there, the crew will see us and we'll get laughed at." Riker reasons, "We'll never live it down."

"Perhaps we can confiine the crew to quarters?" suggests Bev.

"That's a good idea." I tell her, and begin to speak to the others in the ship on the intercom.

Nothing works.

"Q has even thought of that." Geordi says to himself, "We're going to have to go out there."

"I agree, Mr La Forge." I say, "Let's get it over with."

For the next half an hour, we are running around the ship carrying a basket each and looking for eggs. The crew stand by watching, with poorly suppressed giggles as I carry my Easter basket around. I find one in my sonic shower; Beverly finds one behind her monitor in the SickBay, Seven locates an egg in her alcove, Riker finds one in the donut machine, Deanna in Ten Forward, Geordi in The Sands.

Eventually all the others are found and Q reappears,

"Well done, Jean-Luc!" Q smiles, "You have a staff with a keen nose for chocolate, especially Counselor Troi."

Our uniforms appear back on.

"You've all done very well." Q continues, "As a little reward, you can all have three GigaEggs each."

They appear, much to the delight of Deanna, who seems to have forgotten everything around her, and has her eyes just on the GigaEggs.

"Until the next time, Jean-Luc..." Q says with a teasing smile....

Time to close this entry; I've got three eggs that need my attention.

Happy Easter!

http://jlpicard.blogspot.com/2007/04/easter-bunny-hunt.html

[Damocles]

http://www.macguff.fr/goomi/unspeakable/WEBIMAGES/CARTOON/uI22.easter.jpg

[Damocles]

More Easter jokes.

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

[Damocles]

Q: What do you call ten rabbits running backwards?
A: A retreating hareline.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a long march

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

[Damocles]

Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it!!

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the movie.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?
A: A eggage.

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric.

[Damocles]

Questions & Answers #4

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips.

Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

[Damocles]

The Rules of Chocolate

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

[Damocles]

Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts

10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."

9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"

8. Can't stop washing his paws.

7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.

5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."

4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.

3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.

2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.

1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

[Damocles]

Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

[Damocles]

What is the difference between a Cardassian and a Frankenstein Monster?

Nothing. Berman ran out of cliches he could rip off!

[Damocles]

Musician jokes.

A drummer walks into a library and says: "Hi I'll have a burger,fries, and a large coke." The librarian responds: Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!" The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke." New.gif (1732 bytes)

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" New.gif (1732 bytes)

Q - Why did the drummer join the band?
A - He wanted to hang out with musicians.

Q - What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A - Drool.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. They have machines to do that now.

Q - "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
A - "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

[Damocles]

*

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

Q - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A - So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q - How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A - The knock always slows down.

Q - How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A - Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

[Damocles]

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

[Damocles]

Q - Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A - So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q - How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
A - Shoot one.

Q - Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A - To get away from the drum solo.

Q - What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A - The Drummer.

[Damocles]

Q - What do drummers use for birth control?
A - Their personalities

Q - Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A - Because he woke the baby Jesus!

From the Drummers Dictionary: Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo

Q - What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A - Gifted.

Q - Why do bands need Roadies?
A - To translate what the drummer says.

[Damocles]

Two drummers walk into a bar, which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. (Bar, get it!, Not a Pub)

Q - What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A - Farfromthinken

Q - What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A - You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q - How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q - What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A - Put a sheet of music in front of him.

[Damocles]

Q - What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A - You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q - Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A - You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Q - If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A - The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

Q - What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream.

[Damocles]

Q - What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A - A really stupid gorilla!!!

Q - Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A - Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q - How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Q - Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A - So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the shit on the road.

Q - Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A - Me either.