Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Boy, Officer & Squirrel
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

[Damocles]

Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[Damocles]

10 Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Tattoo Parlor

1. "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

2. "We're all out of red, so I used pink."

3. "There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"

4. "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

5. "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

6. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

7. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

8. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

9. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

10. "Ooooooops!"

[Damocles]

20 Sayings We'd Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

[Damocles]

30 Ways to Have Fun While Shopping

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons."

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, "I smell sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick me! Pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Damocles]

40 More T-Shirt Slogans / Quotes

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."

[Damocles]

Actual Notes from Doctors' Patient Charts

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Damocles]

If Men Ruled the World...

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
Cop: Nice one. That's $10 off.

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

[Damocles]

Benefits of Growing Older

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing ! about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a managable size.

[Damocles]

Fun Things to Do While in the McDonald's Drive-Thru Line

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colourful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[Damocles]

New FDA Warnings for Alcoholic Beverages

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on your forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter then sone really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear".

[Damocles]

Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Ok, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

[Damocles]

Rules of Flight

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. (Isn't that why they came up with checklists? :)

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

[Damocles]

Ten Ways to Annoy the Person in the Next Toilet

1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?

5. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, "Oh my, this water's cold!"

8. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."

9. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."

10. Drop a marble and say, "Oh noooo, my glass eye!!"

[Damocles]

Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

[Damocles]

Signs That You're an Internet Geek...

When filling out your driver´s license application you give your IP address.

You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what´s your URL?"

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

You "ping" people to see if they´re awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they´re listening to you.

You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

[Damocles]

Responses to the General Public

1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. No, my powers can only be used for good.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

[Damocles]

Almost 50 Things You Wish You Could Say

1. Ahhh...I see the goof-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of nothing.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a flip.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[Damocles]

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

7. "Get your own ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

[Damocles]

Top Ten Best Excuses for Sleeping on the Job

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[Damocles]

A Different Breed of Fly

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Damocles]

A Lease is a Lease

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it!"

[Damocles]

A Man and His Ostrich

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[Damocles]

A Pet That Does Everything

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture has been cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa have been plumped, and the plants have been watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next, he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Thirty minutes later, the centipede still hasn't returned. By this point, the man is wondering what's happened. So, he peers out the front door, and to his surprise, the centipede is sitting on the front step.

"Hey! I sent you down to the corner store thirty minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the problem?"

The centipede explains, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

[Damocles]

Amazing Hunting Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[Damocles]

Animal Doctors

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Damocles]

Another Day at Work

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a large dog who appears to be emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "My friend, don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man. "I simply can't believe it. Does your boss realize what a prize he has in you? An animal...that can talk!"

"No, no, no!!!" pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man discovers I can talk, he'll be making me answer the phones, too!"

[Damocles]

Anxious Firefly

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods.

"All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered.

"Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother.

"Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow!"

[Damocles]

Australian Pigs

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?" he asks into the radio.

A reply comes back, "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

[Damocles]

Baby Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store water?"

"Yes, dear."

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

[Damocles]

Bathing Goldfish

A man buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that he decides to keep them in his bathtub. One day the man invites his friend over to see all his beautiful goldfish.

The friend is impressed, and remarks, "They sure are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

To which the man replies, "I blindfold them."

[Damocles]

Big and Dead

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!" one exclaimed.

"Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey," the other argued.

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one - it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir," they both replied in unison. "We're diggin' an ---hole."

[Damocles]

Big Bad Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Damocles]

Bilingual Barnyard

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"

They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.

"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"

His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

[Damocles]

Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow...

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.

He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

[Damocles]

Car Crash

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijauana before they wrecked."


"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[Damocles]

Chickens in the Sky

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn´t crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and only had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

[Damocles]

Clever Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Damocles]

Clothing the Rooster

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants on with the other.."

[Damocles]

ead Donkey

An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his premises, and went to inform the police.

He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"

"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker, aren't you?"

"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and inform the relatives first."

[Damocles]

Dog Eyes

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "Come on in."

The other guy says to himself, "What the heck," puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.

The host says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "A Chihuahua?"

So the guy says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

[Damocles]

Dogged Out

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a 4-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Damocles]

Foul-Mouthed Parrots

Father," a lady says to her priest, "I have a problem. I've got two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" inquires the priest.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims.

"You know," he says after a moment of thought, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your parrots over to the rectory and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responds. "I can't tell you how happy this makes me."

The next day, she carries her female birds to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot turns to the other. "Put the beads away, Francis," he says, "Our prayers have been answered!"

[Damocles]

Funeral for a Friend

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

[Damocles]

Go Cheap

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"

The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!"

[Damocles]

Golfing Gorilla

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says, "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

[Damocles]

Gorilla Removal

Tom woke up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looked in the phone book and found a gorilla removal service. When he asked if they could remove the gorilla, the service man asked, "Is it a male or a female?"

"Male", Tom replied.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," said the man.

An hour later, the service man arrived with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. After surveying the situation, he said to Tom, "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing
you put the handcuffs on him."

"Fine", Tom replied, "but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy said, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the chihuahua."

[Damocles]

Ham Hero

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says, "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says, "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says, "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says, "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks, "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

[Damocles]

Helpful Livestock?

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

[Damocles]

Hop High

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

[Damocles]

Hound Dog in the Yard

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

[Damocles]

Hungry Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" he asked his friend.

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

[Damocles]

Kitty?

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.

Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[Damocles]

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her bikini clad body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her ankles, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Damocles]

Majestic Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere - just scaring the fun out of some college students!"

[Damocles]

Memory Loss

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did...you asked me for my phone number!"

[Damocles]

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you might want to brace yourself..."

[Damocles]

No Confusion Here!

Out in the pasture one lovely summer day, three bulls complained about the rumor that their farmer had brought in another bull.

The Alpha bull said, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with my 100 cows. This new guy's not going to get any of my cows!"

The second toughest bull said, "Yeah, well, since I only have 50 cows, I can't afford to share any of my cows with him either!"

The youngest bull said, "You only gave me 10 cows. No way is he getting one of mine!"

Just then the aforementioned new bull pranced over the hill, the biggest, baddest bovine they've ever seen. He weighed over a ton, had horns four feet long, and the Earth shook beneath his mass.

Suddenly Alpha bull grew flexible. "Well, maybe I could spare a few cows."

The second bull said, "I wonder if I hung out over in that far corner of the pasture, he'd leave me alone?"

But the small, teenage bull started snorting, pawing the ground, and shaking his fledgling horns in a highly confrontational manner.

Worried about their inexperienced friend, the two older bulls said, "Listen son, it's not worth dying for! Just give the new guy half your cows."

"Heck, he can have them all if he wants them," said the young, snorting, pawing bull. "I just want to make sure that guy knows I'm a bull!"

[Damocles]

One Angry Elephant

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Darn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so angry!"

[Damocles]

One Smart Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The Airline Rep. said, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog - the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."

He tells the dog, "Rover, search."

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

The Airline Rep. says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this and asks "What the bloody heck is going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb..."

[Damocles]

Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

[Damocles]

Police Dog

The ad in the local newspaper read: Purebred Police Dog $25

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don´t be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

[Damocles]

Race Horses

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!"

"Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Damocles]

Rules of the Jungle

A poodle escaped from a safari and soon was lost, deep in the African jungle.

She saw a leopard heading for her and started thinking. She saw some bones lying nearby and immediately started chewing on them, facing away from the approaching cat. When she thought the leopard was about to pounce, she said loudly, "What a delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

The young leopard heard this, halted mid-stride, and then crept away into the trees. "That was close!" thought the leopard. "That old poodle almost got me!"

A monkey who had seen the whole scene, figured he could trade his knowledge for some protection from the leopard. The poodle saw him talking with the leopard and figured he must be up to something. Soon the young leopard was furious at being played the fool and charged again.

The poodle saw him coming but, instead of running, she again turned her back on her attacker. Just when the leopard got within earshot, the poodle yelled, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago for more leopard!"

[Damocles]

Safari So Goody

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Damocles]

Safe Bull

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

[Damocles]

Sick Birds

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

[Damocles]

Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Damocles]

Swimming with Gators

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, during which he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the $1 million?"

The guy replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[Damocles]

Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you´re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

[Damocles]

The Bravest Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

[Damocles]

The Cat Clock

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes. He never wears a watch.

The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?"

The man responds, "I use it to tell time."

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?"

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

[Damocles]

The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site.
Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was
startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Damocles]

The Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

[Damocles]

Walking Fifi

A doctor went to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man, "What are you doing, walking the dog?"

"Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash," the man replied.

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions.

The man turned to his toothbrush and said, "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!"

[Damocles]

What Do You Want from the Bird?

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at that pet store anymore?"

[Damocles]

The Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[Damocles]

A Day at the Ballpark

A man had been waiting for years to see his favorite baseball team in the playoffs. He got to the ballpark hours early, bought a
beer and a hot dog, found his seat and began to settle in to read a newspaper.

Just as he got comfortable, someone yelled, "Hey, Steve!"

He put down his hot dog, put down his beer, folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked around, and saw no one.

He sat down, opened his newspaper, picked up his beer, picked up his hot dog, and again heard, "Hey, Steve!"

He put down his hot dog, put down his beer, folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked around, and again saw no one, so he sat down, opened his newspaper, picked up his beer, picked up his hot dog, and heard, "Hey, STEVE!"

Enough is enough! He put everything down yet again, turned around, and yelled, "My name's not Steve!"

[Damocles]

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. "Where's Harry?" asked his friend. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," he explained, "but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

[Damocles]

Avid Golfer

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[Damocles]

Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.

"John, is that you?" Dave asked.

"Yes, it's me," John replied.

"This is unbelievable," Dave exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," Dave said.

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," John told him.

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what's the bad news?" Dave asked.

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[Damocles]

Be Nice to Deaf Guys...

A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off , a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?"

The guy says, "Hell no!" and tees off anyway.

Later on (after six shots), he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch. "What the @#$%^&*?" he yells.

The deaf guys drive up and hand him a note. On the note is written, "FORE."

[Damocles]

Can You Tackle?

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[Damocles]

Cheaters

Sid and Barney went out for a quick round of golf. Since they were short on time, they decided to play only 9 holes.

Sid said to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agreed and they enjoyed a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney was ahead by 1 stroke, but cut his ball into the rough on the 9th hole.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he said to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulled a ball from his pocket and tossed it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announced triumphantly.

Sid looked at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid said with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[Damocles]

Die Hard Fan

A first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche fan. She told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche fans like her. The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.

The teacher approached her and asked, "Why aren't you an Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them."

The little girl responded, "I'm a Detroit Red Wings fan."

The teacher asked, "Why are you a Wings fan?"

The little girl said, "Well, my parents are Wings fans."

The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just because your parents are Wings fans doesn't make you one. What if your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "Well, that would make me an Avalanche fan."

[Damocles]

Dream Come True

A guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day he saw a speck in the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thought to himself. The speck got a little closer. "It's not a boat." The speck came even closer. "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf came this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," the man replied.

She reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. The man took one, lit it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then the woman asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

"Ten years," the man again replied.

She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then the woman began unzipping the front of her wet suit as she said to him, "And how long has it..."

The man quickly interrupted her, "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Damocles]

Emergency!

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help," she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you," he explained.

"The second hole??? When is he coming???" she asked frantically.

"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[Damocles]

Extreme Mountain Biking

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

[Damocles]

Forgive Me, Father, for I Have Golfed...

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the 'F-word' over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the 'F-word.' The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word?'"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!!!"

[Damocles]

Funeral Procession

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.

"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

[Damocles]

Genie in the Bottle

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."

The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title."

The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

[Damocles]

Gone Fishin'

Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first idiot.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second idiot, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three idiots started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"

[Damocles]

I Was Responsible for the Winning Run!

After his Little League baseball game, Little Johnny rode his bicycle home and then walked in through the front door of the house.

His father was unable to attend the game, so he was rather excited to find out how his boy did. "Well, son, how did you do?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it, Dad!" said a proud Little Johnny. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

[Damocles]

Instantly Jealous

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

[Damocles]

Jack's Favorite Hole

Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you."

Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"

Sally replies, "The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus."

They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

"All right!" says Eric. "Let's go."

They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"Going for a cuppa."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric. "What would Jack have done now?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.

"Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!"

[Damocles]

Limping

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

[Damocles]

Lonely Sandy

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[Damocles]

Old Golfers

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[Damocles]

Quick Learner

Two women were talking the other day over tea.

"Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"

[Damocles]

Rotten Day

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

"What's the matter, Dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.

"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

[Damocles]

Slow Golfers


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Damocles]

Slow Start

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating.

Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my SECOND shot?"

[Damocles]

Sorry, Coach!!!

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. One day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

[Damocles]

Special Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

[Damocles]

Star Player

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question. If you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" asked the coach, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Damocles]

Take On Some Sport

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"

[Damocles]

Taking a Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

[Damocles]

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically . . . , "that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"

[Damocles]

The Big Game

A young man was very excited when he won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened however, as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

[Damocles]

The Neighbor

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor with a grin, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

[Damocles]

The Talk

One day, a man finally decided that it was time for a heart to heart with his boy...

"Son, it's time we had a little talk," he began. "Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll become preoccupied and unable to think of anything else."

His son looked positively frightened about what might possibly come next.

"But don't worry," the man continued. "It's perfectly normal. It's called 'golf.'"

[Damocles]

Union Wins Again

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[Damocles]

Viking of the Mountain

A Minnesotan dies and is sent to hell. He was a horrible man throughout life and the devil really wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days the Devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The Devil is aghast as he looks at the Minnesotan happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The Devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks, why are you so happy?"

The Minnesotan, smiling looks at the Devil replying, "This is great, it reminds me of August in Minnesota. Hot, humid a good piece of work to do - it reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The Devil, perplexed, walks away to ponder this. He decides to change things up a bit -drops the temperature, sends down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. The Minnesotan is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the Devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Minnesotan replies, "This is great. Just like April in Minnesota. Reminds me of working out in the fields with spring plantin'!"

The Devil is now completely baffled. In desperation, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will have to do it, the Devil checks in on the Minnesotan. He is aghast as he sees the Minnesotan dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy. It's like you're celebrating. Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the Devil.

"Hell's frozen over!" replies the Minnesotan. "The Vikings won the Superbowl!"

[Damocles]

A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

[Damocles]

Birding

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."

After 10 minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. "Dammit!" he hollered. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"

The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, boy, what's your name?"

The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."

[Damocles]

Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Damocles]

College Dorm

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[Damocles]

Field Study

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass solo."

[Damocles]

Flying Lessons

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[Damocles]

Fools' Paradise

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[Damocles]

God's Priorities

Children in the cafeteria line at a Catholic school saw a large pile of apples with a sign reading, "Take only one - God is watching."

Near the end of the line was a platter of chocolate chip cookies with a sign obviously written by a child, "Take all the cookies you want - God's watching the apples."

[Damocles]

Group Picture

The fifth grade children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and remark, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead!"

[Damocles]

Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

[Damocles]

Hey, Nice Bike!

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says, ´You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!´"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn´t have fit you anyway."

[Damocles]

If Our Chute Doesn't Open

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

[Damocles]

It's a Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Damocles]

Justice for the Class?

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class, but can't for the life of him stop laughing.

The principal walks by, sees him sitting outside laughing and he says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny replied, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather!"

[Damocles]

Late Comer

When I was teaching at a local university, the eight o'clock class always managed to get there on time.

However, we had one student, a cheerleader type, who never seemed to make my nine o'clock class any less than ten minutes late on the three days we had class.

One day I told a joke about a local business owner who had received one of those forms from the government which had stated: Please list your number of employees broken down by sex. He wrote back that he didn't believe that he had any broken down by sex, but some of them did come in late occasionally.

The class was chuckling pretty good when the cheerleader walked in. I raised my eyebrows and said, "I rest my case."

It took a few minutes before we could actually get anything done after that. Someone must have told the cheerleader about the joke because she was never late for class again.

[Damocles]

Little Johnny and the Elements

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Damocles]

Little Johnny and the Essay

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[Damocles]

Little Johnny Moves to the Head of the Class

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnny! What is your problem?!"

Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnny agreed.

"What is three times three?" the principal asked.

Johnny quickly replies, "Nine. That's easy!"

"Ok, what's six times six?" the principal questions.

"Thirty-Six," Johnny answers with a big grin on his face.

"Well, what's nine times nine?"

Johnny answers without hesitation, "Eighty-one! Piece of cake!"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

"Legs," Johnny replied.

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" the teacher then asked.

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two
questions myself!"

[Damocles]

Lucy's Bad Habit

Little Lucy loved sucking her thumb so much. She was now five years old but hadn't stopped the bad habit. With an effort to
stop her from this bad practice, Lucy's mother lied to her that her stomach will swell and will finally burst if she doesn't stop the habit. The lie scared little Lucy that she actually stopped the habit immediately.

A month later, expectant Mrs. Blecker pays them a visit. When Lucy comes in to greet her she stops first to stare at Mrs. Blecker, then goes ahead with her greeting. Mrs. Blecker notices the hesitation and asks, "Hi, Lucy! I guess you are wondering where I've been, aren't you?"

The little girl answers, "Not exactly, Mrs. Blecker. I know what you've been doing and you better stop it fast."

[Damocles]

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[Damocles]

Meet Me Halfway

A wise schoolteacher sent this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I promise not to believe everything he says happens at home!"

[Damocles]

Memory Class

There was this old couple who was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful. They went home and told all of their relatives, friends and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approached the old man as he tended the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" the neighbor asked.

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute," Ed pondered. "What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?"

"You mean a rose?" the neighbor said.

"Yeah, that's it!" Ed said. Then shouting toward the house he yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

[Damocles]

Mental Health Lecture

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

[Damocles]

My Boots

It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.

The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.

Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today."

[Damocles]

My Father Is...

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She´s a doctor."

"That´s wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy´s house and rang the
bell. Billy´s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy´s father said, "I´m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[Damocles]

Nice Try...

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars please return to class."

[Damocles]

Nobody Wants to Go!

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay," he replied. "One: all the children hate me. Two: all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I should go to school."

"One," she started. "You're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

[Damocles]

Phonetics

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

[Damocles]

Punishment Assigned

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled. "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment was more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asked.

"Well teacher, based on what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Damocles]

Religion in the Classroom

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The
teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little Girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little Girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

[Damocles]

Saving Lives

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

[Damocles]

Science Lesson

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!

[Damocles]

Singing Country Music

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner. "Any butthole can sing country music."

[Damocles]

Smart Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know - math always was a little hard to swallow."

[Damocles]

Smarter Than Average Delivery Boy

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

[Damocles]

Testing

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.

"Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?"

"Doesn't matter," replied the professor. . . ."I just keep changing the ANSWERS."

[Damocles]

The Class Star

So you think you know American History . . . Huh . . .?

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Confounded Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well you can ----!"

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[Damocles]

The Gentleman

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.

"Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."

"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."

"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

[Damocles]

The School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[Damocles]

Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

[Damocles]

What Did You Learn?

The child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

[Damocles]

What Would You Do?

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

[Damocles]

What's My Name?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?" he asked the professor.

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[Damocles]

Her Gift

A man bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas and hid it in the closet.

Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with it.

"This wouldn't be my only Christmas present from you, would it?" she asked.

Caught and quickly realizing his mistake, he recovered nicely. "No, of course not, dear! It's just...a stocking stuffer!"

[Damocles]

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnnie had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do?

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnnie what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnnie's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. I want a d#!n teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a d#!n train going around the d#!n tree. And when I go outside I want to see a d#!n bike leaning up against the d#!n garage.

Christmas morning, Little Johnnie woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnnie walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnnie replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the him."

[Damocles]

Running Late

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired. To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my
reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

[Damocles]

The Christmas Rush

A woman was really under the holiday gun—she felt like she just had to go to every party, taste every holiday treat, find a perfect gift for everyone on her list, send the nicest card, and then respond to everyone else's card.

The Saturday before Christmas she took her kids shopping in a big downtown department store and spent hours looking at row after row of toys while her children begged for everything they saw.

Finally, she was ready to leave, but when the elevator finally arrived, it was nearly full. She'd had enough. She pushed her kids and all her shopping bags into the elevator anyway.

When the doors finally closed, she heaved a big sigh, and moaned to herself, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and killed."

From the back of the car came a quiet whisper, "Don't worry...they already crucified him!"

[Damocles]

Movie Stars

The trick-or-treater knocked on the front door dressed in boxing gloves and satin shorts.

"Who are you?" asked the homeowner, handing out the goodies.

"I'm Sylvester Stallone as Rocky!" he proclaimed proudly.

About fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang again.

"Say, aren't you the same 'Rocky' who here a few minutes ago?" asked the homeowner, growing suspiciously.

"Oh, no," he replied, "that was Rocky I. Now I'm the sequel! And I'll be coming back three more times tonight!"

[Damocles]

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

[Damocles]

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in New York. and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Yom Kippur. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in Maine and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Passover!"

[Damocles]

Automobiles, AOL-Style

If AOL built Automobiles...

* The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
* The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
* The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
* The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
* AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
* Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
* The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
* The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
* Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
* If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
* The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
* AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
* AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
* Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
* It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
* AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
* Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
* It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
* AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
* AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
* Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

[Damocles]

Automobiles, Microsoft-Style

If Microsoft built Automobiles...

* A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
* Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
* Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
* You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
* Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
* The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
* People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
* We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
* The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
* New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

[Damocles]

Computer Hell

A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil.

"Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."

"That's the hell of it," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."

[Damocles]

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband
1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

[Damocles]

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[Damocles]

Help!

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It´s about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

[Damocles]

Helping Hand

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[Damocles]

Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."

[Damocles]

Out of Control

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it happens again."

[Damocles]

Password

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

[Damocles]

Promotional Considerations

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[Damocles]

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life...

Your stationery has fax number, 2 e-mail addresses, & your Internet address.

You have two or more Internet Service Providers.

You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh or MHz rates.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only know computers with laser printers.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real friends birthday cards.

You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns bread into charcoal.

You use all the Internet terms in conversations without even thinking about it.

You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever!

The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music rarely occurs to you.

In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; the salesperson listens.

You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not your social security number.

You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term "voice number."

You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads fiction novels.

At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.

And finally...

You actually understood all the humor in this message.

[Damocles]

Starting Over

My son was playing the video game "Zelda" and was over half way through the game when he realized that he forgot to get something at the beginning. Rather than starting over he is going to try and finish the game hoping he won't need it.

Suddenly I realized I wouldn't have to worry about him getting a job when he finished his education. He would fit in very well at Microsoft as a program engineer.

[Damocles]

Terrible Day

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Damocles]

A Change in Occupations

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Damocles]

A Helping Hand

When the office printer´s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss´s idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[Damocles]

A Man and His Cow

One day a farm implement salesman visited a new potential customer in hopes of selling him the latest, greatest and most expensive piece of farm machinery his company had ever produced. He found the farmer sitting in the barn with his head in his hands. The salesman introduced himself and explained why he was there.

"Well," said the farmer, "If you can do something for me, I'll buy one of those fancy gadgets."

The salesman could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of such a huge sale, afterall, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make this sale. "Sure," said the salesman, "Just name it!"

"Well," started the farmer, "this morning I came down to the barn to milk Bessie. I put the stool down beside her and the pail under her and was just about to begin milkin' when she got up an' kicked me with her right hoof. I took a piece of rope and tied her right leg to the side of the stall and went around to the left side of her with my stool. I no sooner got sittin' when she got up an' kicked me with her left hoof. I took another piece of rope and tied her left leg to the other side of the stall. Then I took the stool around to the back of her and sat down and was just about to start milkin' when she got up again and swats me in the face with her tail. I didn’t have any more rope so I took off my belt and stood up on the stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling and of course my pants slided down to my ankles. Right then my wife walks in. If you can convince my wife that all I was going to do was milk the cow, I'll buy one of them things."

[Damocles]

Acceptance Testing

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

[Damocles]

Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me the chance to be creative when somebody asks me where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I work here.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. It builds management skills and my innate ability of mind reading.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and nothing else to do. My life is yours.

7. If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in a conversation.

9. If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it *is* done, so I can learn repetitive perfection doing it your way.

10. Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone else is less fortunate.

[Damocles]

Airplane!

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[Damocles]

All the King's Horses...

The knight and his loyal warriors returned to their castle after a hard month of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asked the king.

"Sire, we have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf for weeks, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."

"What?!" shrieked the King, "I have no enemies to the west!"

The knight paused. "Well, you do now!"

[Damocles]

Another Day at the Morgue

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

[Damocles]

Army Cook

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

[Damocles]

ATTN: Return Dept.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father. I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[Damocles]

Bad Day at Work

A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the director. "Good," said the trainee as he hung up.

[Damocles]

Bad News at the Doctor's...

A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a long wait for the results, the doctor finally came back out.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I have?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

[Damocles]

Bangety Bang Bang

Seems there was a young soldier who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn`t have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety
Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."

[Damocles]

Bank Hold-Up

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"

One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"

"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

[Damocles]

Best Deals...

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

[Damocles]

Big John

A new bus driver stopped at a bus stop, opened his door, and on stepped a huge hulk of a man: six feet eight, muscles everywhere, he announced to the driver, "Big John don't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The driver was about five feet three, 120 pounds, so he didn't argue with Big John. The next day, the same thing happened: Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And on and on.

The driver started losing sleep over how Big John was taking advantage of him, until he could take no more. He joined a gym, signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and worked out religiously. Within six months, he was strong; what's more, he was self-confident.

The next Monday, Big John once again got on the bus and announced, "Big John don't pay!"

This time the bus driver stood up, glared back at him, and said firmly, "And why not?"

A surprised Big John replied, "Big John got bus pass!"

[Damocles]

Big Round of Applause

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[Damocles]

Blonde Waitress?

Colby and Terri were out to dinner, and Colby was about halfway through with his meal before he stopped and took a good look at his potato.

He called over the waitress and complained, "This potato is bad."

The waitress picked it up, smacked it, put it back on Steve's plate and said, "If that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

[Damocles]

Brake Fluid

One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.

Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned, but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a whole cup full of the brake fluid.

"Great stuff!" he exclaimed. "Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend that brake fluid is really great stuff. His friend was now really worried.

"You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that," his friend told him.

"Hey, don't worry," the man replied, "I can stop any time."

[Damocles]

Break Down

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

[Damocles]

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk boldly replied, "if you had a million dollar deal to close, you'd probably not be staying at THIS motel!"

[Damocles]

Changing Professions

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No no, that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler!"

[Damocles]

Cheap Suit

A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

[Damocles]

Complete Check-Up

Rand was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Rand turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Rand got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!

[Damocles]

Convenience Store?

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me, Sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here, but I can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all. We also sell condoms here..."

[Damocles]

Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his Captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[Damocles]

Daylight Saving Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

[Damocles]

Deadly Disease

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it.

"We've received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news - you have Ebola."

"Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor.

"Will that cure me?" the man asks.

"No, but it's the only food we'll be able to get under the door."

[Damocles]

Difficult?

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

[Damocles]

Dig Me a Hole...

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told, but he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[Damocles]

Doctor, Doctor

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor!" he started.

"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

[Damocles]

Dr. Death

A man was lying on his death-bed in a hospital when suddenly he began flailing his arms and making motions as if he wanted to speak.

The priest, keeping a bedside watch, leaned towards the man and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded affirmatively. The priest handed him a pad and pen. "I realize that, in your condition, you can't speak. Here, write a note on this pad of paper and I'll pass it along to your wife. She's in the waiting room."

The man gathered his last bit of strength and proceeded to scrawl his message on the pad of paper. He then quickly handed the note to the priest. Moments later, the man died.

After administering last rites, the priest left the man's bedside to break the sad news to the wife. After some consoling, the priest handed her the note.

The wife tearfully opened the note which read, "Get off my damn oxygen hose!"

[Damocles]

Dress Code Exceptions

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, Kim trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get for owning the company!"

[Damocles]

Everywhere and Then Some...

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, completely untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," replied the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

[Damocles]

Excellent Smuggler

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look," the guard ordered.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across
the border, so tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

[Damocles]

Fainted

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

[Damocles]

Famous Painter

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"

[Damocles]

Fantastic Job Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years, perhaps a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Damocles]

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

[Damocles]

Fast Food

Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

[Damocles]

Find the Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

[Damocles]

Foolish Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[Damocles]

From Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

[Damocles]

Garbage Collector

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

[Damocles]

Give Me Your Money...

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[Damocles]

Great Steak

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

[Damocles]

Guilty Howard

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming, but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single, so just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."

[Damocles]

Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

[Damocles]

Hey, Spare Change...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at $85,000."

"$85,000!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[Damocles]

Hospitalized Prostitute

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[Damocles]

House Construction

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[Damocles]

I Often Forget

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there, so I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."

[Damocles]

Important Game!

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

[Damocles]

In the Army

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[Damocles]

In the End

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"

The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

[Damocles]

Insurance Salesman...With a Point!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Damocles]

Interpreting Employment Ads

Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast Paced Company - We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

Must be Deadline Oriented - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

Duties will Vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an Eye for Detail - We have no quality control.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience - You will need to replace three people who just left.

Problem Solving Skills a Must - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from
anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

[Damocles]

Late Again

Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about the problem.

Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the door.

"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" he exclaimed.

"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you yesterday?"

[Damocles]

Lazier Than You

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

[Damocles]

Letter Eat Cake

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything."

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes."

[Damocles]

Loitering

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled his partner, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Damocles]

Low Bridge Ahead

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'low bridge ahead.'

Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was just delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

[Damocles]

Naval Transcript

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse...your call.

[Damocles]

New Project

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.

Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll
play him."

"I´ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who
do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

[Damocles]

New Sign

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign, so he decided to check it out for himself.

One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

Psycho- the- rapist

[Damocles]

No Memory

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community, but all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said s

[Damocles]

Not Cheap...

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered, "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac..."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[Damocles]

Not My Job...

A policeman stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Jumping out of his expensive foreign car, the irate driver waved his hands and stomped his feet.

"I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer, writing out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and a lot of the people you meet are assholes!"

[Damocles]

Notice to Employees

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

[Damocles]

Oh, Waiter...

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner!"

[Damocles]

Other Skills...

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

[Damocles]

Overdue Library Book

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?" inquired the librarian.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" she continued.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" Judi complained incessantly.

The librarian nodded and meekly replied, "Ahh, so you must be the person who took our phone book..."

[Damocles]

Philosophic Approach

Jones had for years refused to take planes, and all arguments urging him to do so were made in vain. Finally, one friend
said in exasperation, "Listen, why don't you take a philosophic approach? Tell yourself that if your number isn't up, then it isn't up, and take the plane."

"Ah," said Jones, "and what difference would it make if my number wasn't up, if the pilot's number is up?"