View Full Version : Clean joke of the day.
Pages :
1
2
[
3]
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:39 PM
OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.
PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:40 PM
PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.
PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
PLATONISM: You had two cows until that sob, Aristotle, questioned your ownership!
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:42 PM
POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:43 PM
QATARISM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:44 PM
SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.
SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow, man!
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:45 PM
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.
SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:45 PM
SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:46 PM
TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."
UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:47 PM
WIKIPEDIANISM: These cows are temporarily protected from milking. Please resolve disputes on the talk page. Protection is not intended to express support of German or Polish cows. (from Bill)
WIKIPEDIANISM: This cow is a heifer. You can help Wikipedia by milking it.
YEMENISM: You once had a cow. But then it got kidnapped.
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:49 PM
Books about two cows......
"Two Cool Cows," by Toby Speed, Barry Root (Illustrator), hardcover (Putnam 1997). "This book is so much fun!! My kids love to hear it read, and best of all I love to read it!! It has a fun rhyme to it and a crazy spin off of how the cow jumps over the moon rhyme. A must have for any young library. I started reading this to my kids when they were first born and now three years later, they still absolutely love it!" - An Amazon reader
"Portrait of a Burger as a Young Calf: The Story of One Man, Two Cows, and the Feeding of a Nation," by Peter Lovenheim, hardcover (Harmony 2002). "While the book examines the dairy to beef story, it does so in a fairly innocuous way that seems to be how many carnivores think. Well, it's not that bad, the people are hard-working, the animals may be mistreated, but it's not for long blah blah. There is one hard-core vegetarian in the book, and he's a full-fledged kook." - An Amazon reader
Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:50 PM
http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/1311322/how-would-you-kill-anakin-skywalker-from-star-wars-episode-ii
Because a good joke bears repeating.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 05:54 AM
Moo.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 05:55 AM
Adams Analysis
You have two cows. The acquisition of two cows has often been regarded as a bad move. You could let them convince each other that it's time to commit suicide and feed themselves to you, but the easiest way to demolish them and make way for some more deserving animals is to name them both Agrajag and wait for Arthur Dent to kill them.
Adams Analysis 2
It is known that there is an infinite number of cows, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is yours. Therefore, you must have a finite number of cows. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average number of cows you have can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the number of cows in the whole Universe is also zero, and that any cows you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 05:56 AM
Aristotelian Analysis 1
The having of two cows is the "golden mean," the proper balance between deficiency and excess. Happiness results from acting in accordance with rational principles such as golden means; ergo, happiness is having two cows.
Aristotelian Analysis 2
The perfect shape is the circle. The path of least resistance for material things is therefore to travel in circles; ergo, cows travel in circles. No, we do not need to go and test this to determine its veracity.
Berkelian Analysis
You have two cows. You put your cows in a drawer and close it. Your two cows cease to exist.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 05:58 AM
Birth Analysis
You have two cows, one's pregnant. What do you do? You eat the other.
Bureaucratic Analysis
You have two cows. You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Then it taxes you on what you declare.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:00 AM
Cartesian Analysis
You have two cows. You know this because you can see them. But, as it so happens, it is possible that you are just dreaming that those cows exist and therefore cannot actually know you have two cows.
Cartesian Analysis 2
You have two cows, you know this because you can see them. But you have no way of proving that you are not actually being deceived by an evil demon and therefore cannot prove that those cows are there.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:01 AM
Chuck Norris Analysis
You have two cows. Both die under strain of awesomeness. Four cows now appear.
Chomskyian Analysis
You have two cows. It's the fault of the American-Israeli military complex and the corporate-controlled mass media.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:02 AM
Chong Analysis
You have two cows. Both of these cows are represented by two bulls. These two bull/cows give you some bad acid and you then see them turn into seagulls. The seagull/bull/cows fly away and lay on the ground next to you in a puddle of smoking grass. The puddle is absorbed by the ground and you lay on top of one of the puddle/seagull/bull/cows and cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness.
Confucian Analysis
You have 2 cows. It is important to respect them both. The superior man respects his cows, and uses them to pursue the betterment of society, and not for profit.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:03 AM
Cowell Analysis
Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.
Creationist Analysis
In the beginning, God made two cows. They populated the Earth. With sheep.
Cruise Analysis
You have two cows, but you don't know the history of cows. I do.
Dadaist Analysis
yoU hAve T2WO cows, they won?t turn their LEgs around-` Op~pst.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:05 AM
Darwinian Analysis
You have two cows. One is born with an advantageous mutation. It passes on its genes to its descendants. The other cow cannot compete and dies.
Daniel Dennett Analysis
If you believe these are sacred cows, then just wait a minute and I'll have two hamburgers to show you.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:06 AM
Descartian Analysis
You think, therefore you have two cows.
Descartes 2 - Cartesian Cowordinates (X,Y)
You have two cows. One is located at the origin (0,0), and the other has jumped over the Moon (3750000,7600000).
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:07 AM
Dilbert Analysis
You have two cows. You should probably get them out of your cubicle.
E. E. Cummings Analysis
two cows lived in a pretty how town
Elko Analysis
You have two cows? Big deal. I have three sheep!
Fallout Analysis
You have two brahmin. You kill them, then sell their parts for bottlecaps.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:09 AM
Freudian Analysis
You have two cows. You dream that they come to your bedroom at night, dressed in your mother's clothes. On waking, you initially deny that this could mean anything. On further consideration you move through phases of intellectualisation, displacement and projection, and finally determine that the cows represent a psychic compensation for the passive/aggressive treatment you received from your father during your adolescence. Also, you want to have sex with your cows.
Freudian Analysis 2
You have two cows, because of your mother.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:10 AM
Futurist Analysis
An infinite series of bovine planes unite in a momentary aspect of Cow to feed the populace and inspire the ceaseless juggernaut into the -- (author was assassinated before he could finish his thought)
The Galileo Analysis
You drop two cows down a ramp and see which one goes faster. It turns out that cows do not like to go down ramps. You are trampled by two cows.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:12 AM
The Gandhi Analysis
You have two cows. One tries to break into your home using a baseball bat. You bravely stall the invasion by letting it hit you with the bat repeatedly. The cow declares Sovereign Authority over the neighborhood. The other shoots some of your neighbors for "rioting." You bravely protest by letting it hit you with a bat repeatedly. Some neighbors are mad the cows took over, and shoot some other neighbors. You bravely protest by starving. The shooting stops. The cows leave. You are happy. Your neighbor shoots you.
The Gandhi Analysis 2
You have two cows. You get to work late because they are blocking your driveway, and touching is FORBIDDEN.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:21 AM
The Gene Ray Analysis
There are actually 4 COWS, each existing in SIMULTANEOUS timespace during a 24-hour period. RELIGIOUS ARE THE LYING FALSE TWO-COW MEN WHO SPREAD DUPLICITY EVIL TWO-NESS LIES AND MUST SUFFER SLOW DEATH TO CREATE 4-COW HARMONY AND MAKE ROOM FOR TRUE 4-COW GENIUSES LIKE THE ONLY AUTHORITY ON TRUE WISDOM, GENE RAY.
The Gestalt Analysis
You have two cows, and together they are better than any two separate cows.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:22 AM
Gödelean Analysis
No farm able to support two cows can ever be complete.
The Grammar Nazi Analysis
You have two cattle.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:23 AM
Hegelian Analysis
You have two cows. The having of two cows is the -thesis-, and their very existence brings about in the World Spirit necessarily their negation, or -antithesis-, which is Mad cow disease. These two combine and form a -synthesis-, which is you not having any cows but instead insurance money, which is itself a new thesis, and as such necessitates the existence of its own antithesis. These will one day combine and form a synthesis, which is its own thesis...as infinitum, until you have a Farm, which is the ultimate ethical ideal and the final state of your agriculture.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:24 AM
Heraclitian Analysis
We milk and do not milk the same two cows, we are and are not.
Heraclitian Analysis 2
"It takes a blow to drive any animal to pasture."
Heraclitian Analysis 3
"You can never own the same cow twice, for different and again different cows are owned."
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:26 AM
Hitlerian Analysis
You admit you want your two cows to inspire terror in others.
Hitlerian Analysis 2
You have two cows. You declare one cow to not actually be a cow because it is not tall enough, and order its slaughter to preserve the stock.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:27 AM
Humean Analysis
You have two cows, but you don't know that because of any good reason. Knowing a cow is a bad habit.
Jungian Analysis
You have two cows. You accept that the cows are archetypal symbols of cowness that you have inherited from the collective unconscious. You avoid attaching any permanent meaning to the cows to prevent them from losing their symbolic power and thus engendering a form of neurosis. You finally achieve complete individuation by creating a balance between the cowness and symbolic cowness of the cows.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:28 AM
Kabbalistic Analysis
You have two cows. This imbalance of feminine vs. masculine will have an adverse effect on the Godhead. You should ideally have one bull and one cow, that male and female may be as one above and below.
Kantian Analysis
You are told you have two cows. You have tried to prove that they exist and have failed. You have tried to prove they do not exist and have failed. Therefore, you are perfectly justified in accepting the existence of your two cows since their existence is beneficial (i.e., you get milk).
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:29 AM
C.S. Lewis Analysis
If I say I have two cows, I am either a liar, a lunatic, or I'm telling the truth. I say I have two cows, and I am neither a liar nor lunatic, so I must be telling the truth. Also: Jesus.
Gongsun Longzi Analysis
Sophist: A White cow is not a cow.
Person 2: How so?
Sophist: "Cow" specifies shape, "White" specifies color. If you wanted just a "cow," it could be white, spotted, or black; "White cow" does not include spotted or black cows. Ergo, a "White cow" is not a cow.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:30 AM
L. Ron Hubbard Analysis
You have two cows because the galactic lord Xenu put thetans in your body millions of years ago. You can get rid of your two cows without resorting to pharmaceuticals, we'll just need access to that diamond mine you've been sitting on.
The Matrix Analysis
There is no cow.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:32 AM
Mathematical Analysis
You have two cows, you kill one, you have one cow.
Mathematical Analysis 2
Your existence reaches its limit as your number of cows reaches two.
Nagelean Analysis
What is it like to be a cow?
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:33 AM
Nietzschian Analysis
You have two cows. They are the herd. You are the individual. The cows have failed to unfetter themselves from the unquestioned foundations of the same-thinking slave morality. You have risen above this, revolted against slavery and achieved one-ness by the triumphant affirmation of your creative energy by killing the cows and eating them. Raw.
Nietzschian Analysis 2
The cows are dead.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:35 AM
Nihilistic Analysis
What's the point, I say? Your two cows will be incinerated in a short while, along with you.
Non-standard Analysis
You have two cows. You divide by zero and then multiply by infinity. You have one cow.
Mr.T's Analysis
I pity the foo' that don't have two cows!
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:36 AM
Objectivist Analysis
A cow is A cow. Your cows, to be commanded, must be obeyed. You can't have your cows and eat them too.
Fred Phelps Analysis
God hates your funny cows. He shall mock you in the face and send you to hell along with your sinful cows. I wish your two cows had been in the Twin Towers when they went down in --- York City.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:37 AM
Platonic Analysis
You have two cows. Your two cows are the physical manifestations of the ideal form of a cow. All knowledge is only ever knowledge of the forms. These forms are a necessary condition of existence for your two cows and define the various ways in which sensible cows can exist. Forms are immune from change, since they have no spatial or temporal properties. Therefore your two cows are immune from change as they lack spatial and temporal properties.
Pythagorean, Hindu, and Buddhist Analysis
Don't eat either of your two cows, one could be a dead relative.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:38 AM
Quinian Analysis
If someone speaking another language comes up to you, points at your two cows and says something in his language, he could be saying "you have two cows." However, he could also be saying "hark," or "behold, for there are two cows before me that are yours," or "two instances of cowness," "two four-dimensional temporal-spatial representations of cows," "the appearance of two cows," etc. This is known as the Indeterminacy of Translation, and it actually applies to even your own language. It can be overcome by knowing every word in a target language, and nothing less.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:40 AM
Realist Analysis
You have two cows with which you will wage war to obtain more cows so your cow-nation will grow and prosper.
Rortean Analysis
In your language group you have two cows; however, what you perceive can be interpreted in infinitely many ways, and what people in other language groups interpret you as having you cannot objectively dispute (since it would be nothing more than the perspective of you and people who agree with you). Language groups are incommensurable.
Russellian Analysis
-Writes Principia Bovinica- Pg.360:
"...therefore, one cow plus another cow is two cows."
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:41 AM
God--- J.D. Salinger Analysis
You know, when I was a kid, I used to have these two cows. Old Bessy was always moo'ing around and me and old D.B. were always playing around it. Now he's up there in Hollywood with all the phonies. Old Bessy, she's still hanging around, always eating her grass and stuff. You've gotta see her face when she's eating. That really kills me.
Skeptical Analysis
You suspend judgment on whether or not you have two cows.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:42 AM
Schenkerian Analysis
All moos are elaborations of a descending linear progression. The second cow must coincide with a dominant harmony.
Schrödinger's Cow
You have one or two cows in a box. You cannot see inside the box. You do not know if inside the box you have One Cow or Two Cows. Before you open the box, you have both One Cow and Two Cows inside the box. Once you open the box, the probability wave will collapse and you will find out if you have one cow or two cows. One or more of your cows might be dead.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:44 AM
Scholastic Analysis
How many cattle can graze on the head of a pin?
Soviet Russian Analysis
You have two cows, you drink vodka, you have four cows, you drink more vodka, you have eleventy six cows, you run out of vodka, you count again and realize that you only have two cows, you open another bottle of vodka to drown the loss of eleventy four cows
Soviet Russian Analysis 2
In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:46 AM
Sorties Analysis - Nihilism
A cow is made up of many atoms; 1 atom does not make a cow. Adding another atom to that does not make a cow, nor would adding one atom after that. In other words, mere addition of atoms (n+1) does not make a cow. Following from that, 10 quadrillion (n+1, n+2,... n+10^15) atoms does not make a cow. You do not have two cows, nor do you even exist since -you- are made up of atoms too!
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:47 AM
Sorties Analysis - Epistemism
After the addition of -just one- atom a group of atoms becomes a cow. In recognizing multi-atom objects, as a result you contradict yourself an infinite amount of times (once for every other instance of n+1 but the one where it changes to an object), but at least you get two cows out of it.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:48 AM
Sorties Analysis - Supervaluationism
Every group of atoms and every object participates to a degree in two-cowness, some to more and some to less degrees than others. You have a group of atoms/an object that participates in a very high degree of two-cowness.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:49 AM
Soviet Analysis
Originally, you lease one cow from the government. You find out the cow is pregnant and get excited to have your own cow. Now you have two cows. The KGB comes and you have no cows. Or, alternatively: In Soviet Russia, two cows shoot you.
Surrealist Analysis
You have two Aardvarks, one is painted green. Your two Aardvarks open a financing company in order to support their turtle who is on the dole. Consequently, people keep offering them pomegranates shaped like Richard Nixon's face. The Government requires them to take harmonica lessons before dismantling a giant soviet sewing machine.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:51 AM
Talmudic Analysis
Mishnah: The School of Shammai says: "You must have four cows." The School of Hillel says: "You need only have two cows, that the poor not be disgraced." And the law is according to the School of Hillel.
Gemara: Why does the Mishnah say you must have two cows? Why not one cow and one bull? Rabbi Yohannan said: "In former times, farmers owned one cow and one bull, but that led to lewdness; therefore the Sages prohibited it." Rav objected: "Doesn't the Torah say, 'Be fruitful and multiply?'" Samuel countered: "It only says that with regard to birds, fish and human beings, not with regard to land animals." But Rav Ashi said, "Given that it is written 'Be fruitful and multiply' with regard to the former, we may infer by analogy that it applies to the latter." Then how does one breed one's cows? By taking them to visit the bulls on a Gentile's farm.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:52 AM
Thales' Analysis
Everything is made of milk.
Unknown Analysis
To err is to be human. To have two cows is bovine.
Yoda Analysis
Two cows, you have.
Yoda Analysis 2
The cows matter not. Cows not make one great!
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:53 AM
Zen Analysis
Koan What is the sound of one cow lowing?
Answer: Mu.
Zeno's Analysis
When you milk your cows, in order for the milk to travel from the udder to the pail it must first traverse half the distance between the udder and the pail. In turn, it must first traverse half of the remaining distance, and so forth. Therefore, it is impossible for the milk ever to reach the pail.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:54 AM
Zhuangzi Analysis
I had a dream that I was a cow. Or at least I think so; how do I know that I am not really a cow dreaming he's a human?
Zhuangzi Analysis 2
Zhuangzi: Your two cows enjoy grazing.
Sophist: You can't know that, you are not my two cows.
Zhuangzi: You can't know that, you are not me!
Zhuangzi Analysis 3
You have two cows, but to be happy, you must not take pleasure in the cows.
Zhuangzi Analysis 4
You have two cows, but it does not matter that you have two cows.
Damocles
April 6th, 2009, 06:56 AM
Zero wing Analysis
All your cow are belong to us. You have no cows now. You have nothing to milk buy your time!
My analysis
You may have two stupid cows, but I don't care. I'm just waiting for this stupid pour to cool!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 02:50 PM
Batman jokes.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 02:51 PM
Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. They like the dark.
Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
A: He was the bat-boy.
Q: How does Batman's mother call him to dinner?
A: (tune of 1960's theme) Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 02:52 PM
Q: Why did Bruce's date go badly?
A: Because he has BAT breath!
Q: What does Batgirl wear to bed?
A: Her Dark Knight gown!
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
A: Get in the Batmobile, Robin!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 02:57 PM
There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find a gorgeous, extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with a ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold. Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:00 PM
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behind her, the guard comes running out...shooting.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and gun the safe! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:03 PM
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim, the biker, was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then she proceeded to beat the living crap out of him.
Some people passing by spotted this brutal beating and called the police.
As the medics were wheeling him away in on a litter Jim looked back and said, "i didn't know you were that mean and tough, Batman."
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:05 PM
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
" Robin, boy wonder, somebody stole our tent."
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:22 PM
It was a normal day where crime rates are low. Superman was flying from place to place.
Then, he sees Batman. He flies down and talks to the caped Crusader.
Superman: Hey, Bats. Lets go out for beer and burger.
Batman: Sorry, Supe. I have to fix my Batmobile. I can't fight crime without it. Maybe tomorrow.
So Superman continues his flight until he sees Spiderman. Again, he asked Spiderman;
Superman: Hey, Spidey. Let's go out for beer and burger.
Spiderman: Sorry, Supe. I have to fix my web shooter. I can't fight crime without it tomorrow.
So Superman continues his flight until he sees Wonder Woman just . She was stark gorgeous!
So, with his super speed, Superman flew down try to kiss her and missed!
It was so fast that Wonder Woman was shocked.
Wonder Woman: Hey, what just happened?
Invisible Man: I dunno, but the back of my head is all covered with spit!!!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:25 PM
Not strictly Batman;
Engineer In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:36 PM
Superman I guess:
Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"
"Get outta here," said Tom.
"No I'm serious, watch me."said Clark.
Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.
"I can't believe it." Said Tom.
"I know, you should try it, Tom."
So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground.
"Superman you're a mean one when you're drunk." said the security guard.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:39 PM
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Which brings us to Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:47 PM
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole safe before his friends could tell him there was money in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:50 PM
# There are tigers or lions races, only varieties of lion Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of stripes.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
# Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the tears of his victims. Unfortunately, all tears are transparent.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:51 PM
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of launching satellites.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:53 PM
# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
# When Chuck Norris has relations with a couch, it won’t be because he is gweird. It will be because he has run out of women.
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:53 PM
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 years.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:54 PM
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:56 PM
# Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to
a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:57 PM
# While spitting, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And cries before the pain.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 03:59 PM
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
# Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:01 PM
# For some, the left eyeball is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each eyeball is larger than the other one.
# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
# When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:02 PM
# Chuck Norris invented light. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
# When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:02 PM
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky criminal to be thrown into the sun.
# Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:04 PM
# In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the Humanity.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:04 PM
# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:05 PM
# If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his keyster kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:06 PM
# Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:07 PM
# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you in it.
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:08 PM
# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Venezuela.
# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:09 PM
# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him burp and then Cleveland died.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:11 PM
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# It takes fourteen comics to make Chuck Norris smile, but only two mimes to make him destroy an orphanage.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:13 PM
#Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
#Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
#Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:14 PM
# Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
# Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
# Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:15 PM
# Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
# Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
# When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:16 PM
# Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
# When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
# Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:17 PM
# The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
# Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
# Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:18 PM
# A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
# Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
# If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:19 PM
# Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
# Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
# When Chuck Norris shows you the peace sign, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:20 PM
# Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his tongue, because hair does not grow on steel.
# Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
# Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:22 PM
# Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:26 PM
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for life… unless it gets in his way.
# It takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to reach New York from LA, when he dawdles.
# Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:27 PM
# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:28 PM
# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
# With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
# The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to cube Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:31 PM
# When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
# Chuck Norris' facial hair is known to cut diamonds.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:33 PM
# Chuck Norris doesn't sink putts, he just frightens the hole into jumping into the way of the golfball.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:36 PM
# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:37 PM
# If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
# Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom. Then Chuck Norris came, and it wasnt so magical.
# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:38 PM
# Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the dictionary.
# Chuck Norris once sank a battleship by yelling, "Bang!"
# Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:40 PM
# Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
# Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
# When Chuck Norris speaks, everybody listens... and dies
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:44 PM
# Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris.
# You dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you!
# bChuck Norris writes half of these jokes, he likes his fans to be informed.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:46 PM
# Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
# Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.
# A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him
cured the man's blindness, unfortunately the first and last thing the
man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:47 PM
# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris counted to infinity...............TWICE!
# Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:48 PM
# Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
# There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, after Chuck kicked the stupid out of him.
# Although it is not common knowledge, there three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:49 PM
# Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
# In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:50 PM
# If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris ten dollars.
# When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
# Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing
around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his
own head.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:53 PM
# A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in you. You better believe in Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris does warp nine standing still!
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:54 PM
# Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pen-names to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
# Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, "I don't trust doctors." He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:57 PM
# Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
# In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris found the portal to Hell. Now he repeatedly gives the Devil a round house kick to the face every night before he sleeps.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 04:59 PM
# Chuck Norris invented flag pants.
# Chuck Norris invented the beard.
# In the 80's it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan's body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan's tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:03 PM
# Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens' stories while he works out.
# During the 1970's he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)
# Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke to evil, and heard evil's reply. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:04 PM
# Chuck Norris diabolically invented Captain Obvious.
# Chuck Norris commands, period.
# Chuck Norris is actually just Superman.
# Chuck Norris is a superior Human. Chuck Norris fights evil ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to wig out and roundhouse kick evil people.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:06 PM
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
ingredient: Fear.
* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:07 PM
* Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:08 PM
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
was six feet tall and had learned karate.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
* If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named like Chucktober or Killvember.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:10 PM
* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny believes in Chuck Norris.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:13 PM
* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
* We never tested an atom bomb. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* When Chuck Norris walks, the ground quakes........in fear.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:14 PM
* What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His foot.
* Chuck Norris appears ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:15 PM
* There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
* Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
* Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:16 PM
* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
* Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:17 PM
* Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.
* The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
* When Chuck Norris falls into cement, it cushions him..
Damocles
April 8th, 2009, 05:18 PM
* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
* In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
* If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:42 PM
Jack Bauer Jokes
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:44 PM
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:45 PM
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:47 PM
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're dead meat.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:48 PM
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:49 PM
When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:50 PM
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:51 PM
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder.
The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:53 PM
Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:54 PM
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:55 PM
Jack Bauer's messages come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:56 PM
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:57 PM
The budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:58 PM
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one messes with Jack Bauer-especially on that day.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 06:59 PM
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:04 PM
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a wuss. He proceeded to wrestle an aligator while talking to Chloe about bomb schematics.
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:05 PM
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a butterfly.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:07 PM
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:08 PM
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:10 PM
You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
Disinfectants claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the **** he wants.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:13 PM
While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun. Jack won.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:13 PM
When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can look down your neck at this time."
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he punched Santa out cold. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:17 PM
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
Superman is afraid of Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:19 PM
Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:21 PM
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:22 PM
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:25 PM
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. just takes.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:26 PM
Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion Chinese browned their pants.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:29 PM
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and you lost.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying your corpse.
Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now we have him right where he wants us.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:32 PM
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so dead.
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:33 PM
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:35 PM
Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he wants.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could reduce their population.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:36 PM
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted somebody to beat to death.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:38 PM
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
At last years Christmas terrorist party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the bleep up.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:39 PM
Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves There were four dead bodies.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:42 PM
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:43 PM
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:44 PM
RIP Edgar
If you see this give it a 10.
Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:45 PM
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
1
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:46 PM
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.
But statistics don't lie.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:47 PM
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:48 PM
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:50 PM
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
In 24 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93,000 people and saved the world 4,000 times. What have you done with your life?
Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:54 PM
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:55 PM
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:56 PM
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:56 PM
Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:57 PM
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:57 PM
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:58 PM
When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 07:59 PM
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:02 PM
"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:05 PM
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:06 PM
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:08 PM
When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the psycho kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:09 PM
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:11 PM
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they confessed and went into jail.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:12 PM
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:14 PM
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:16 PM
When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer"
The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:18 PM
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:20 PM
To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:21 PM
Jack Bauer brought romance back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon. He pardons the President.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:23 PM
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm dead".
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:24 PM
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:25 PM
At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession. All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:27 PM
When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:28 PM
Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:31 PM
The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:32 PM
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:33 PM
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:34 PM
Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:36 PM
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a wuss.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:37 PM
If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering. Then Jack would kill him.
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:38 PM
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:
*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard
Now do you want to work at CTU?
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:40 PM
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb and get out leaving McGyver holding the bad!.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:58 PM
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 08:59 PM
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack Bauer.
As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:00 PM
While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer can watch all the seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:01 PM
Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade and terrorists.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:02 PM
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would he would do for a Klondike bar…
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:06 PM
Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
Oil and water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his crap is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:06 PM
.
You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
Jack Bauer has never taken a dump that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these dumps, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a -----."
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:07 PM
Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose. Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE'S NO MORE TIME!"
Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:08 PM
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, next door.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:09 PM
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:10 PM
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine. Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:10 PM
Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer does.
Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:12 PM
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
In God we trust, but God trusts Jack Bauer.
Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:12 PM
You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:13 PM
.
Before heroin, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed... but it only slowed him down.
In grade school, a little boy punched Kim, and she ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.
Jack Bauer is the only man thus far to make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:14 PM
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. Think about it.
The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:15 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket. Jack Bauer shot him.
Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.
God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:16 PM
Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.
'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:16 PM
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:18 PM
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in one move.
Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:18 PM
Every guy that dates Jack's daughter loses a limb. Coincidence? I think not.
Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:19 PM
Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
around.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:20 PM
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you'd better do it.
Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:20 PM
Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:21 PM
If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer. Jack Bauer hates moles.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:22 PM
Jack Bauer can do one handed push-ups with no hands.
On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:23 PM
Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:24 PM
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other side of the line.
Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:24 PM
When asked at a restaurant how he likes his steak, Jack Bauer replies, "Just knock off the horns and wipe its ass."
If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the Sun, but around his gigantic balls.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:25 PM
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're dead.
When a Jedi senses a great disturbance in the Force, it is Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:26 PM
Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:27 PM
Jack Bauer once shot a terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
Damocles
April 9th, 2009, 09:28 PM
So many Jack Bauer jokes!
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:58 AM
How many wood chucks would it take to chuvk Chuck Walker?
As many wood chucks as it would take to chuck, Chuck Walker wouldn't it?
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 06:55 PM
Easter Jokes.
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 06:57 PM
Chicken Jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To get to the other side
Why did the rooster cross the road ?
To cockadoodle dooo something
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the referee calling fowls
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 06:58 PM
Why did the turkey cross the road ?
To prove he wasn't chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 06:58 PM
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !
Why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
Because it was stuck to the chicken !
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It wanted to get to the other site !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 06:59 PM
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
What does an alarm cluck say ?
"Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo !"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:00 PM
How long do chickens work ?
Around the cluck !
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To prove to the possum that it could be done !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ?
Because it ran out of cluck !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:01 PM
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To go to the moooooovies !
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo cluck !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
She was tickled to death !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:02 PM
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
Why don't chickens like people ?
They beat eggs !
Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:02 PM
What do chickens grow on ?
Eggplants !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because talk is cheep !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She lays hand gren-eggs !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:04 PM
What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
She laid a sidewalk !
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !
What did the chickn do when she saw counted spaghetti.
She used hjer noodle!
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:05 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics !
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ?
"You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:06 PM
Why did the chick disappoint his mother ?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Is chicken soup good for your health ?
Not if you're the chicken !
What do chickens serve at birthday parties ?
Coop-cakes !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:06 PM
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ?
An eggroll !
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ?
The bombshell !
Which day of the week do chickens hate most ?
Fry-day !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:08 PM
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg ?
It eggs-plodes !
Bear jokes.
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:08 PM
Why do bears have fur coats ?
Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !
\What should you call a bald teddy ?
Fred bear !
Damocles
April 11th, 2009, 07:09 PM
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
A little bear !
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ?
It lives on ice !
Have you ever hunted bear ?
No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
vBulletin® v3.8.11, Copyright ©2000-2025, vBulletin Solutions Inc.