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Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:39 AM
Q - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A - So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q - How can you make a drummer slow down?
A - Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q - How can you make that drummer stop?
A - Put notes on it!

Q - How can you tell when a drummer's at the bathdoor?
A - The knocking speeds up.

Q - How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A - He doesn't know when to come in.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:42 AM
One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer? "Beats me!"

Q - How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A - You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q - How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A - The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q - How can you tell when the stage riser is NOT level?
A - The drool only comes out of one side of the drummer's mouth.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:45 AM
A bloke walks into a shop and asks for a 50 watt Marshall amplifier and a Fender Stratocaster guitar.The shop assistant says "Excuse me sir, but you're a drummer aren't you?". The man says "How could you tell?"."Well this is a laundrette" says the assistant.

Q - What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A - "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q - What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A - "Would you like fries with that?"

Q - What is the difference between and chiropodist and a drummer?
A - A chiropodist bowls up your feet.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:46 AM
Q - What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A - Homeless.

Q - What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A - About four bars by the end of the song.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer's riser is level?
A - The drool comes out of both sides of their mouth at once.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - one, if the roadie gets the steps, takes the old bulb out, and puts the new one in.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:51 AM
Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - five. One to actually do it, and four to say how much better Lars Ulrich would have done it.

Q - How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door?
A - What's a percussionist? (You know this guy is a drummer!)

Johnny says to his mum: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q - What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
A - "Ching, Badumdum".

Q - How do you make a flautist into a drummer?
A - You put another useless stick in his hand, and lower his I.Q. by 30 points.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer is walking behind you?
A - You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 09:53 AM
And finally the end of the drummer jokes.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword puzzle?
A - All the squares have been colored in.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:15 AM
Brass and Winds:

* At each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Q - What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A - Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. New.gif (1732 bytes)

Q - What's the definition of a decent human being?
A - Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn't.

That's all for them, folks.

bsg1fan1975
March 30th, 2009, 10:18 AM
What kind of music player does a dog listen to?

An I-Pup

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:19 AM
The ruben with the strato-castor is next.
Huh?
Guitarist.
I said I was through with the drummer jokes!

Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream

Q - What's the best sound you can make with a guitar?
A - A splash.

Q - How many guitar players does it take to wallpaper a room?
A - Three, if you slice them thin enough.

Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:20 AM
Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless

Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A - Drunk and late......... as usual

Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:22 AM
Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put sheet music in front of him.

Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.

Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.

Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A - Counterpoint.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:24 AM
Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A - Pick on someone your own size!

Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.

Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:26 AM
Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A - "Will the defendant please rise ..."

Q - In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?
A - Five, one to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..

Q - How do you know when the stage is level?
A - The guitarist is leaning to the left at 15 degrees. (Think about it!)

Q - What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A - You can negotiate with the PLO.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:28 AM
Two guys were walking down the street, One was destitute, The other was a guitarist as well.

Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
A - Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q - What type of fish makes your guitar sound better?
A - A tuner-fish.

Q - What's the difference between an extra large pizza and a guitarist?
A - None, they both can't feed a family of four.

Q - What do you get when you cross Yngwie with an octopus?
A - A guy that can play a Steve Vai transcription!

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:31 AM
Q - What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A - Strung out!

Q - What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A - Laughing at 'em.

Q - What did the guitarist say to his crying guitar?
A - Don't fret!

Q - What's the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar?
A - Solitaire.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:32 AM
Q - What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A - He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q - What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
A - Both suck when you plug them in.

Q - How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A - Shoot One.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a Porsche?
A - Most musicians have never been a Porsche.

Q - How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A - He holds it and the world revolves around him.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:34 AM
Q - Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A - Because that deep down, tiu won't hear them!

Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A - "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. They just steal somebody else's light!

Q - Why do guitar players leave their capos on their dashboards?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spaces!

Q - Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A - Neither have I.

Q - What's the range of a Fender Strat?
A - Depends on how far you can throw it.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:36 AM
Q - How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A - By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q - What do a guitar solo and an income tax audit have in common?
A - You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q - What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A - Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Five, One to change the bulb, and four to say "I could have done better than that"

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:38 AM
Q - What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A - Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q - Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?
A - No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.

Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?
A - You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q - What is a "nerd" ?
A - Someone who owns an Classical Guitar

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:40 AM
Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and an Electric Guitar?
A - You can tune a lawn mower.

Q - How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb ?
A - Five, One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar ?
A - Don't add oil.

Q - What is a gentleman ?
A - Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

Q - What's the range for an Electric Guitar ?
A - About twenty yards if you have a good throwing arm.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:45 AM
Q - How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?
A - If the strings are vibrating.

Q - Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?
A - Each is offensive and inaccurate.

Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog ?
A - The dog knows when to stop Howling.

Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A - The Electric Guitar burns longer.

If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.

Q - If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?
A - Who cares ? or
A. If you ask the drummer, he's just barely smart enough to know that the watertmelon will hit first because it jas less wind resistance. The guitarist? Forget it, man!

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:46 AM
Q - What is the first sign your Hallucinating?
A - Two electric guitar players are playing in tune.

Q - What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?
A - An oxymoron.

Q - What do you call a "Clean Shot"?
A - When you can throw an electric guitar into the toilet without hitting the seat.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A - The certificate of deposit will eventually mature and make money.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:48 AM
Q - How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
A - He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.

Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
A - Three, One to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.


Q - What's the difference between a Stratocaster and a Les Paul?
A - A Stratocaster burns hotter; a Les Paul burns longer.

Q - What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
A - 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:50 AM
Q - How can you tell if you're talking to a good guitarist?
A - He doesn't claim to be an artist.

Q - How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

Q - How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar ?
A - Sit in back and don't play it.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:52 AM
An Irish joke to break the monotony.

Q - Did you hear about the Irish Jazz Guitarist?
A - He was in it for the money!

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:54 AM
* A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd "like a scotch before he goes home". The player says "sure" and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says "great gig man, you're one hot picker".

The player looks at the barman and says "thanks' and the barman says "what for" and the player says "for sayin' nice things about my work". the barman says " I didn't say nothing".

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says "yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there". The guitar player turns around and says "thanks" but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says "are you ok?" cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says "yeah, I think so".

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says "hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you" and the bloke says "OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" The barman runs down and says "what's your problem dude?" to which the guitarist says "WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?"

"What voices? What are they saying?" when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says "oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 10:55 AM
Why Guitars are better than Men:

*

Guitars don't snore.
*

Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
*

Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
*

Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
*

You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
*

Guitars don't have to prove anything.
*

Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
*

Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
*

Guitars don't have egos.
*

Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
*

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:00 AM
A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.""You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.

"No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Electric Guitar Player."

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:04 AM
* A fingerstyle guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie. "Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the fingerstyle guitarist. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you three wishes". "But I must caution you" alerts the genie. "And what's that?" asks the fingerstyle guitarist.

"Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist fingerstyle guitarist in the world will receive double" explains the genie. "Not a problem" says the fingerstyle guitarist. "Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master" "$Ten million in small bills" says the fingerstyle guitarist unhesitatingly. "Good choice, Master" and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every fingerstyle guitarist in the world now has twenty million in their account.

"And your next wish, Master?" "A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar." and presto: right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen! And of course every fingerstyle guitarist now has two of these guitar's in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.

"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?" The fingerstyle guitarist thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:05 AM
Two guys are on a raft paddling down the Amazon. All of a sudden tribal drums start up. BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da. The first guy starts to panic and says "Oh shit, we're in for it now... they're going to kill us... we'll never get out of here alive". The second guy turns to him and says "Oh, you don't need to worry, they won't kill us whilst the drumming is going on... it's when they stop you have to start worrying". By this point the first guy is really sweating. He's looking really worried, and in a high, strangulated voice says "Oh Crap, what happens then?" and the second guy says "Guitar solo".

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:06 AM
It's the hour before Pentecostal church, and the pastor comes up to the guitar player and says "I'm glad to see you include Biblical precepts in your guitar playing." The guitarist asks, "Do you mean 'make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye peoples?'" "No", says the pastor. "'Don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.'"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:08 AM
* Three guitar players: Harry, Larry and Moe are on their way to a gig. While on their way, they are all three killed in an auto accident. Being good boys they all go to heaven, where they are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says: "Welcome boys glad you made it, but I want you to know that there are rules here in heaven. The main one is Don't Step On A Duck, because if you do you will be punished because they make such a noise."

Harry was trying to avoid all of the ducks, which were everywhere, but before five minutes passed, sure enough he stepped on a duck. What a noise! St. Peter comes with a truly ugly woman. "You stepped on a duck, you will be chained with this ugly woman forever as punishment."

Larry lasted a little longer, but he, too, stepped on a duck. St. Peter came with even a more ugly woman, they were chained forever. Moe he was very careful and missed all of the ducks. St. Peter came with the most beautiful woman you ever saw and said: "you two will be chained forever and ever." After St. Peter left Moe said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this good luck." The beautiful woman said: "I don't know what you did either, but I stepped on a duck!"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:10 AM
One ;ast guitarist jokeL

What is the difference between a guitarist and a rock?
The rock passed its I. Q. test.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:15 AM
Well one more for the bass guitarist:

Q - What's the difference between a bass guitar and a rhino that's just eaten a lot of baked beans?
A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is the rhino.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:27 AM
Accordion Jokes.

Q - If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A - Who cares?

Q - What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A - The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q - What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - What's a bassoon good for?
A - Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q - What's a accordion good for?
A - Learning how to fold a map.

Q - What do you call a group of female accordion players?
A - Ladies in Pain



* Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordion--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!



* Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles



* "Welcome to Heaven: Here's your harp."
* "Welcome to Hell: Here's your accordion."

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:29 AM
Bagpipe jokes:

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A - No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A - You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q - How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A - He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q - How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A - You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A - You can tune the lawn mower.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:32 AM
Q - If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A - The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A - Add oil.

Q - What's the definition of a gentleman?
A - A guy who can play the bagpipe, but doesn't.

Q - What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A - Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q - What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A - The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:33 AM
Q - What's the range of a bagpipe?
A - Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q - Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A - They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q - How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A - Someone is blowing into it.

Q - What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A - To get away from the mob.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a tin cup.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:35 AM
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late
-- someone had already put another set of bagpipes and a drummer in the car!

ENOUGH with the drummer jokes!

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:37 AM
* David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says, "how did things go for you back on earth?" David says, "not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another $100,000 from the insurance". "Great," says St Peter, "what was it you did while you were alive?" "Oh I was in Real estate", "Good oh, come on in" says St Peter.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. "yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things", "Good oh , come on in".

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. "yes well I left my fourth wife, my guitar and amp’s at the pawn shop, cars stuffed with drimmers, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been". "Oh well", says St P. "and which band was it that you played with?"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:38 AM
In the Heavy Metal Band of the future there will be two animals, a Heavy Metal "Musician" and a dog. The "Musician" will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to bite the "Musician" if he tries to play anything.

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:40 AM
* Saint Peter is checking Id’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:40 AM
St. Peter's still checking Id’s. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:42 AM
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Now, go get something to eat!"

Damocles
March 30th, 2009, 11:45 AM
What's the Easter bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hippity Hoppity.

bsg1fan1975
March 31st, 2009, 11:54 AM
lol

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:20 PM
More Easter Jokes.

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: Easter cluck.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:20 PM
Q: What do you get when you find a Mexican Easter rabbit with no hair?
A: A Mexican hairless hare!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:22 PM
Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips (Two Lips).

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:24 PM
Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the farmer's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: Wordy.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Like this comedy routine.

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:24 PM
Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the Movie

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: You're the reason I need glasses!

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:26 PM
Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Cluck!

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?
A: An eggage.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:27 PM
Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:29 PM
Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Happy Easter!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He went bald. (*He lost his hair.)

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:30 PM
Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Too big.

Damocles
March 31st, 2009, 07:31 PM
Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hassenpfeffer.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:41 AM
You Killed the Easter Bunny!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in Heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:43 AM
Sherlock Holmes and

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:45 AM
What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A bunny laughing its head off.

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?
Because their cable was scrambled.

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:47 AM
What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A hare-net.

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour water down a rabbit hole?
A wet bunny.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:48 AM
What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
He cracked up.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
Hassenpfeffer.

How do chickens stay healthy?
They run away from the farmer.

What kind of plants do eggs keep?
Eggplants!

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:49 AM
What do you call an egg from outer space?
An "Egg-stra terrestial".

What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?
An Easter egg rolling down the hill.

What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-cellerated.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:50 AM
Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

Why did the egg go to school?
To get "Egg-ucated".

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Knock it off!!

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:52 AM
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
Worms.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
I wanted a diamond!

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:53 AM
How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for 3 hours!

What search engine do eggs use on the Internet?
Egg-site!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:54 AM
What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
One with a hoppy ending.

How did the eggs leave the highway?
They went through the "Eggs-it".

Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
They hop to it.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 05:56 AM
What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
Egghead!

What part did the egg play in the movies?
He was an "Egg-stra".

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 06:00 AM
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because the farmer asked him too.

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
Nah, but these days with Lasic and contacts, that don't mean anything!

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 06:01 AM
What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
Times reversed Harer.

What do you call a sleeping egg?
Egg-zosted!

What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
Tired.

Damocles
April 1st, 2009, 06:02 AM
Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn't have the hare fare.

How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
One. After that the basket won't be empty.

Molly Mole: What's the difference between the Easter rabbit and a mattababy?
Barney: What's a mattababy?
Molly Mole: Nothing. What's the matter with you?

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:07 PM
B U G S B U N N Y ' S C O M P L A I N T .

BY PETER G. VAETH

- - - -

Bugs Bunny was complaining to us about his eyesight. "Remember that episode," he said, "where the doctor asked me to read the eye chart and I read the fine print at the bottom of the page? That wasn't acting — that was real."

He blamed his freakish vision on all the carrots he'd eaten over his career. Hundreds of short films, endless re-takes with Daffy, walk-on cameos, photo shoots for t-shirts and coffee mugs, modeling for stuffed animals and amusement park costumes — all done while sawing away at carrot after carrot with his two buck teeth, orange shards flying furiously into the air.

The carrot was part of who he was. The carrot was who he was, Bugs was saying to us, in that distinctive Leporidaen accent of his. His image, his character, his art, his entire representation of self made manifest in a phallic vegetable. It was both his security blanket and magic sword, an Excalibur that lent perfect timing to the signature line that made him an icon. And here, just to make his point, Bugs said, "What's up, doc?" Without the usual pregnant pause as he chomped on a carrot and the snotty insouciance of talking while chewing his food, the line sounded like just another empty catchphrase.

Sans carrot, Bugs wasn't clever, he was just another rabbit with ADHD.

So the whole carrot thing took on a life all its own, Bugs was saying. I was thinking: addiction perpetuated by psychologiocal dilemmas. His life was his work, and his work was his life, his work was carrots and carrots were his life. And if he had an especially long day at the drawing board? If he had to shoot those emotionally complex persecution scenes with Elmer? He'd chew through two or three bunches a day, easy, Bugs was saying. But only because it was expected of him.

And what had it all been for? Sure, he was rich and famous beyond his wildest fantasies, lived and vacationed in all the finest holes, got all the girl rabbits, etc. But at what price? "Carrots are good for your eyes, kids, it's true. But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing," Bugs said, but he seemed to have lost sense of his audience and was clearly wiggin'. "Alas, mine eyes have grown mutated from carotene. And they now bug out as if I've been thwacked in the back of the head with an Acme baseball bat"

Here Bugs digressed into a mumbling tangent I could barely make out, something about Chuck Jones and the WB boys knowing all along about the long-term effects of carotene abuse, that they named him Bugs as a sick, prescient joke...

Suddenly Bugs recovered and regained the momentum of his oration, as if he'd remembered what he really wanted to say:

"Ah, but the greatest horror — my undying curse! — Carotene has burdened me with ultimate sight! I can see all! Superman would turn evil and rob banks to pay for the Lasix surgery necessary to acquire even one-tenth of my ophthalmic powers! Through layers of the Earth's soil, the walls of my very home, through the thickest synthetics and most elemental metals — I see! — through stone as well as flesh!

"Oh, flimsy flesh that dissolves before my super-eyes! My days now are filled with nightmares, horrific visions of sinew and tendon, mucus and marrow.

"Oh, the ugliness of people!"

Bugs Bunny was saying all of this, standing in profile, a neatly worn white glove cupped to the side of his face, hiding it from us. And us from him.

That's all folks.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:10 PM
An adorable little girl walked into a pet shop and asked...

"Excuse me; do you have any rabbits here?”

"We do" the sales representative answered...

By leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged and said "I don't think my python really cares".

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:12 PM
What did the bunnies say when the farmer caught them kissing in the garden?
Lettuce alone!

What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A 14-carrot ring!

Do bunnies use combs?
No, they use hare brushes!

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:13 PM
Why did the little girl wash her bunny?
Because her hare was dirty!

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
They wanted a raise in celery!

Where do Easter bunnies go to dance?
To the Basket ball!

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:16 PM
How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another?
They take a taxi cabbage!

What do you call a bunny with oodles of money?
A billion-hare!

What game do little bunnies like to play?
Hopscotch!

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:20 PM
Why did the bunny get so mad?
She was having a bad hare day!

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Answer: With a hare net.

What's the best way to catch a tame rabbit?
Answer: The tame way, with a hare net.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:20 PM
How are rabbits like New Jersey loan sharks?
Answer: They can multiply and the amount piles up real fast.

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Answer: Look for fast ones.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
Answer: Lunch.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:22 PM
What is a rabbit's favorite dance?
Answer: The bunny hop

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
Answer: Lunch.

What kind of horror books do rabbits read?
Answer: The ones with harey endings!

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:23 PM
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Answer: Snake food.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Answer: Did you ever see a Elmer Fudd eating carrots?

Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:24 PM
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:28 PM
Q. How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?
A. None, they're all on the outside.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?
A. A boyscout who cooks hassenpfeffer.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
A. A stain where the rabbit used to be.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:30 PM
Q. How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
A. When it has hares in it.

Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A. Stew.

Q. What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?
A. Cold.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:31 PM
Q. What do rabbits have that nothing else in the world has?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance?
A. The Hip Hop of course.

Q. Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup?
A. Looks like the back stroke.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:34 PM
Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. They run from foxes.

Q. What do you cal a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A. A free lunch with a dictionary as a bomus.

Q. What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A. Robin Williams.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:36 PM
Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Mud.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.

Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A. Ouch!

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:40 PM
Q. Why is a bunny the unluckiest animal in the world?
A. It had four rabbits’ feet.

Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?
A. You post it.

Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. Twenty years of nothing but prison food, as opposed to one good meal of hassenpfeffer.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:41 PM
Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A. Onion flavored rabbit stew.

Q. What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A. Worms.

Q. What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A. Live.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:42 PM
Q. What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A. A bunny laughing its head off.

Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
A. Stick it in a pot!

Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies?
A. To the hare-after.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:44 PM
Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: What do you call a very smart bunny?
A: A bunny who turns down a luncheon invitation.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the Monday after Easter?
A: Leftovers.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:46 PM
Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One ax the other to dinner.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Silly! Rabbits don't talk.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:48 PM
Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q. Why does the Easter Bunny have such a shiny nose?
A. He's been polished with a tomato.

Q. What do you call it when a rabbit has an accident with a knife?
A. Dinner.

Damocles
April 2nd, 2009, 02:50 PM
Q. Why do rabbits do so well at school?
A. They're experts at multiplication.

Q. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. Neither: the Easter Bunny!

Q. Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?
A. To the retail store.

Q. Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost?
A. Make a noise like a carrot; he'll find you.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:23 PM
Star wars kick>

Episode One (Abridged)

Episode One (Abridged)

Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 15:33:02 -0500

Obviously, don't read if you haven't seen the movie.

STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR Who might you be?

LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.

JAR JAR (cont'd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.

JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?

LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.

JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.

YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.

LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What the **** is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a ****in bad ass in the next two ****in movies, you know. My toy has a ****in lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.

BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.

DARTH MAUL (cont'd) Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.

AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!

END

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/episode_one__abridged_.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:25 PM
Job Posting

Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 10:20:22 -0500

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/job_posting.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:26 PM
Redneck Jedi

Redneck Jedi

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 11:56:51 -0500

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"

* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/redneck_jedi.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:28 PM
Star Pants

Star Pants

Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 16:37:50 -0500

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/star_pants.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:29 PM
Star Wars Name

How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
3: Insert the word "of"
4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

So I am Miccl Shnew, Krasca of Clarinex.

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/star_wars_name.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:33 PM
Star Wars Vs. Titanic

Star Wars Vs. Titanic

Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 15:33:07 -0500

"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet.

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/starwars/star_wars_vs__titanic.shtml

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:41 PM
Top Twenty Star Wars Related Famous Last Words

1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!"

2. "I am fluent in over six mil..."

3. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure."

4. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!"

5. To Lando: "Hiya master!"

6. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..."

7. "Emperor my butt!"

8. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!"

9. "Sorry, Kabe. All out of Juri Juice."

10. "Look mommy! Another moon just appeared out of nowhere! only isn’t it kinda small?"

11. "Whip, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, stir!" (Holiday special joke)

12. "Hey look! A vornskr! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

13. "Here's a good idea! Let's come into the Hoth system real close!"

14. "TIE Advanced? Never heard of it, but I'm sure I take it in my Y-Wing."

15.:: In front of Qwi Xux: "Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk!" while flapping arms

16. "Don't worry, this blaster has PLENTY of power left!"

17. "Finally! I've always wanted my own X-TIE!"

18. "Wuher! Check out this new droid I got!"

19. "Look at that ceeeeute little thing! What's his name again? Rukh?"

20. "And now back to the Star Wars Holiday Special!"

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:42 PM
Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:44 PM
Top Ten Reasons to Like Wedge Antilles

10. He saved Luke's life about a bizillion times

9. He's cool

8. He helped destroy 3, count em', 3 Death Stars (Read the books!)

7. He eats TIE fighters for breakfast.

6. He's cool.

5. He has that stylish orange flight jump suit.

4. "Look at the size of that blaster!"

3. He's cool.

2. He can topple an AT-AT in his sleep.

1. Yes you guessed it, HE'S COOL!

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:45 PM
T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe

"My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

"Have you hugged a wookie today?"

"I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)

"My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"

"Emperor's slugs need love too"

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:46 PM
Top 10 Reasons Why Bossk Is the Coolest Bounty Hunter

10. His action figure kicks butt.

9. Two words: live lunch.

8. His ship, "The Hound's Tooth, has flame decals and fuzzy dice.

7. it’s easier to give someone the middle finger since he's only got three fingers.

6. He's the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.

5. His bloodshot eyes are from constant partying.

4. He's nice to his mother.

3. He had the nerve to threaten an Imperial admiral on the Empire's flagship.

2. He skins Wookiees. 'Nuff said.

1. Can eat his own weight in Ewoks.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:48 PM
Top Ten Reasons Why Star Wars Characters are Better

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- The Millannium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh -- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: Lightsaber

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire withone glance

5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is "M" class or not.

4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I"

1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it!

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:50 PM
Star Wars Songs!

Imperial Rhapsody
Sung to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody

LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stormtroopers start headbanging)

LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
to meeeeeeee.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:52 PM
THE MAX REBO BAND
Sung To Billy Joel's The Pianoman

It's nine o'clock down at Jabba's place
the regular crowd waddles in
there's a weird thing sitting next to me
it has three eyes and mottled gray skin.

Fett says Max can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
but it's haunting and sweet and if you miss a beat
this carbine will blow off your nose.

He said sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Now Jabba the Hutt is a friend of mine
he gives me my life for free
And because he's a Hutt, why, we all kiss his butt
or the rancor will have us for tea.

He said "Bo Shuda, offom da Tukatti!"
as he stuffed a frog into his face
but we don't know a woid, 'cause he shot the talkdroid
So we'll smile and nod, just in case.

Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

Sy Snootles is our favorite vocalist
her face it ain't launching no ships.
Don't know why it behoove her to go kiss a Hoover
but that's how she got those weird lips.

A Gammorean guard is headbutting bricks
as another one gnaws on a bone
and I don't know which has less intelligence
either those two big thugs or the stone.

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

Oh, la da da da de de dah
la da de de da dah dum..

It's a pretty good crowd, here at Jabba's place
it's a killing, that's why we're all here
we'll sail over the dune to the pit of Carkoon
and we'll toss someone in with a cheer.

'Cause we gotta new droid on the pedestal
and a man in black's come in the door
he just pointed a gun over Salacious Crumb
and then promptly sank through the floor.

Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
for the Jedi Skywalker is down below
and the rancor is gripping him tight

Repeat and Fade- then throw yourself in the Sarlacc Pit. :)

Contributed by: Jason Guyette

Aphrodite
April 3rd, 2009, 05:52 PM
Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

Ok..these numbers are true for me:
2, 3 (duh! I'm a huge Mark Hamill fan), 4 (just to complete the collection), and 10.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:54 PM
Star Wars Songs Strike Back!

Y.O.D.A
Sung To the Village People's Y.M.C.A
Copyright Steven Cavanagh 1993

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on your plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:55 PM
Star Wars Cantina
Sung to the tune of "Copacabana":


Her name was Leia
She was a princess
With a danish on each ear
And Darth Vader drawing near
So R2-D2 found Ben Kenobi
He'd have to put the Death Star plans
Into the rebels' hands
So Luke and Obi Wan
Had to go to Alderaan
They made a stop at port Mos Eisley
To have a drink with Han


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars.....


His name was Solo
He was a pilot
With a blaster at his side
And a smile 12 parsecs wide
There with Chewbacca
He was a Wookiee
They met with Luke and Obi Wan
About the Millennium Fal-con
Docking bay 94
Storm troopers at the door
With the flash of Ben's Lightsaber
There was an arm on the floor


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars.....


(Spoken by Obi Wan while Copa bridge is played)
"Mos Eisley space port, you will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."


His name was Yoda
He was a muppet
That old Darth Vader was so bad
And by the way he is Luke's dad
Luke kissed his sister
His hand got severed
In a galaxy far, far, away
Luke has had a lousy day
Bo-ba Fett was so mean
Jabba had bad hygiene
Why didn't they all just relax
Back on Ta-too-ine


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars......


(Spoken by Obi Wan)
"The force will be with you
Always."


Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
repeated 4 times

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:56 PM
Star Wars Christmas
[Source: Teresa's Jokers]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 05:59 PM
Star Wars Drinking Game
[Blatantly ripped off from http://www.mcseinfo.com/joke/jokes-starwars.html]

If you are not of the legal drinking age in your country, please remember to play this game with lemonade or your favorite non-alcoholic beverage. May the Force be with you!!!

To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:

1.The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game). The Special Edition is optional but not necessary.
2.An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
3.A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all around you. Kapow! (optional)
4. Plenty of cushions, bean bag chairs, etc. to collapse on afterwards.

Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten "Star Wars" videotape into the big slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen. Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events. Every time one of them occurs, everybody takes a sip of their drink.

Drink when:

1.Someone has a bad feeling about this.
2.It's their only hope.
3.An entire planet is described as having one climate.
4.Somebody gets choked.
5.a woman other than Leia is on screen
6.An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
7.Somebody's hand gets cut off.
8.A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
9.There is a tremor in the Force.
10.It's not someone's fault
11.One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing
12.A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks
13.Someone exclaims "No!"
14.Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea
15.Twice if it's not Han
16.Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end
17.Someone is mind-controlled using the Force
18.People kiss
19.A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black
20.Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts)
21.Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray
22.Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen
23.An elaborately made up alien has no lines
24.Someone or something tries to get money from Han
25.Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
26.Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber)
27.An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count'em.)
28.It is Luke's destiny.
29.Luke whines.
30.Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
31.Luke fights monsters or savages.
32.Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
33.Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
34.Luke is upside-down
35.Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time
36.Twice if they speak to each other
37.Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed
38.Luke refuses to take someone's advice
39.Luke yells "Artooooo!"
40.Leia insults somebody.
41.Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands
42.Twice if it covers her neck
43.Three times if she's almost totally nude
44.Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
45.Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.")
46.Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
47.Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
48.Something doesn't work on the Falcon
49.Twice if it's the hyperdrive
50.Yoda uses bad grammar.
51.Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
52.R2-D2 gets thrashed.
53.R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
54.C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.)
55.C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with
56.A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white
57.Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count)
58.A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
59.A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
60.Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
61.The Emperor cackles evilly.
62.The Emperor has foreseen something.
63.Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them
64.Twice if he tries to kill them
65.Boba Fett talks.
66.Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
67.Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
68.Any Imperial Ship is destroyed
69.A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
70. Luke loses a family member/close friend and acts remarkably composed.
71. Carrie forgets her lines and has to have someone mouth them to her.
72. Han uses a crisis to sneak a grope at Leia.
73. There are more cardboard figures than actors on screen.

The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you've been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible. If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.

Special!!!!

And especially for those non-drinkers, there is:

THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME FOR BATTLESTAR FANS

The rules are basically the same as the other game but the drinking cues are different.

Drink when:

1.Stormtroopers display intelligence, courage, or training in battle.
2.Multiple Ewoks are killed.
3.Fantastic technology is explained.
4.Somebody listens to C-3PO.
5.Somebody cares about the environment.
6.The Emperor acts like a charming politician.
7.A woman is on screen, and an Imperial.

Last, but not least, don't forget to print out copies of this (in very large letters) to refer to. Have fun!!!

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:07 PM
Signs That You May Be a
Complete Star Wars Addict
You watch the entire trilogy at least once a month.

You don't need a TV and VCR to watch the movies.

You know at least 10 Star Wars website addresses by heart.

You know all the forms in which it's been released (theater, Pan &Scan video, Letterbox, Laserdisc, etc.) and know the differences between them.

You can recite *all* the dialogue from the entire trilogy.

You quote the trilogy at apropos moments.

You draw comparisons to Star Wars in casual conversation.

You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, your reply is, "Unexpected this is... and unfortunate!"

You know the names of all major cast members and what they're doing now.

You have a list of major bloopers and inside jokes in your head.

You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

You're always game to hear the latest rumor about the new films.

Even if you don't buy the spinoff material, you know it's out there, who wrote it, who published it, and you can probably give a synopsis of it.

You can pick more nits out of a spinoff novel than Lucas himself.

You hunt through ROTJ frame-by-frame searching for the shoe.

You have gone over ANH and ESB frame-by-frame, just in case someone put a shoe in there, too.

You think John Williams is the greatest composer ever lived.

You wonder why the SW theme never makes it into any of those "Classical Collections"...

You make lists like "101 Uses for An Ewok," OR "Signs

You May Be a SW Addict!" (no comment)

Your internet handle or signature refers to Star Wars.

Your friends regularly quiz you on SW factoids.

Whenever you buy a new appliance, you always make sure and get that one that speaks Bocce.

You know more about the major characters' personalities than Lucasfilm does.

When something is just out of your reach, you close your eyes and try to "force" it into your hand.

When your professor hands you back a paper and says, "Commas are your weakness," you retort, "And your faith in your friends is yours!!"

You know all the words to that Ewok song.

Everytime someone tells you one of their deepest secrets you gloat and say, "You're far too trusting."

You insist on telling people the odds about everything!

People tell you to stop saying, "I have a bad feeling about this" so often.

You are counting the days until movie one of the prequels.

You can't pick up a flashlight without waving it around and humming.

You think the babblings of Yoda are relevant and useful to everyday life.

When you experience insomnia, you begin counting nerf.

You know what a nerf is.

When you put Star Wars in the VCR and push "play," it's like you're being transported to another world.

Someone mentions being abducted by little green men and you respond by pointing out that Yoda would never do such a thing!

You find yourself discussing characters from the books and movies as if they were actually old friends of yours.

You don't need subtitles when an alien speaks in one of the movies.

You have a pet named after one of the characters.

You have a child named after one of the characters or stars.

You truly believe you are strong in the Force.

Yoda and Ben appears to you in your dreams and you take their advice on a regular basis.

A SW *.wav file plays on your computer whenever you do a windows application.

You truly believe, after 13 years, that the new movies will be released any day now.

When you get in trouble and your parents decide to punish you, they know that the only way they'll get through to you is by taking away your privilege to watch Star Wars.

You dream about Star Wars, both at night and during the day.

When you read SW books, you can see it happening in your head.

You can't read a quote from one of the movies without acting like the person who actually said it!

James Earl Jones will ALWAYS be Darth Vader to you, no matter what other role he is in.

You are saving your money now. Because the special editions and prequels are coming out soon and you know that what you want to do will require a lot of money!! :)

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:09 PM
The Marina
It was a hot summer day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Unfortunately, Opie was late. He had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. They were able to save money on her examinations because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment took longer than expected, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

(You may groan now!)

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:09 PM
Top Ten ways Star Wars beats the X-Files
10) Boba Fett would not have made the mistake of killing Scully's sister.

9) When Fox Mulder has a problem with the government, he breaks into an abandoned facility. When the Rebels get mad, they load into the X-Wings and blow stuff up!!!

8) Leia looks better in a bikini.

7) Luke and Han take on entire platoons of stormtroopers by themselves. Mulder gets his butt kicked by the flukeman.

6)When Han needs help, he turns to the smooth Billy Dee Williams. When Mulder needs help, he turns to three computer geeks from a Star Trek convention.

5) One word: Ewoks.

4) Cigarette Man smokes cigarettes to look mean. Darth Vader knows cigarettes don't make one mean. Blowing up planets does.

3) Vader also doesn't need cigarettes to have a breathing problem.

2) Everyone knows that the only reason Mulder and Scully use those really bright flashlights is for the lightsaber effect they get in the dark.

And the number one reason Star Wars beats the X-Files:

1) Deep Throat gets shot, and that's the last you see of him. Obi-Wan gets vaporized by a lightsaber, and not only still shows up for the rest of that movie, but comes back for 2 sequels.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:11 PM
Top 10 Bad Things About Having
a Summer Time Share with Darth Vader
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:12 PM
Star Wars Programmer
Luke: "You used to program?"

Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."

Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."

Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."

Luke: "I wish I had known him."

Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."

Luke: "How did my father die?"

Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."

Luke: "Money?"

Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."

Luke: "What is it?"

Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems
programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:14 PM
You're Not A Star Wars Junkie Until....
When you're looking through your drawer for that other black sock, you aid your search by telling yourself, "Lock on to the strongest power source, it SHOULD be the power generator."

When riding your bike, you look behind you and accelerate wildly by pressing down on the petal with your right toe.

You've ever pretended the orange in your lunchbox was a thermal detonator, and thought about using it to get a better price at the milk counter.

You've made your Kenner Darth Vader figure a "proper" cloak out of cloth, to replace the cheap vinyl one he came with.

You've kept the "good" action figures stored separately from the "bad" ones.

Whenever you went anywhere outside with your friends, you always walked single file, to hide your numbers.

You've written several letters to the President recommending that he dissolve the council, put power in the hands of the regional governors, and let fear keep the local systems in line.

In college, after several hours of poker, you got thrown our of the game for suggesting, "How about some sabacc?"

You believe there really is a Lando System, they just haven't found it yet!

You've ever called somebody "laserbrain' - and meant it.

You've ever used fishing line to try the snow speeder - tow cables maneuver on your cat.

When you and a friend have been on one of those amusement park rides where you had to sit back to back, and you started calling him Dack and told him to stop whining about his approach vector.

Whenever your mother asked you to babysit your little brother, you always instilled confidence by replying, "leave him to me. I will deal with him myself."

When trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "the Force is strong with this one."

On Halloween, you would never dress as one of the following:

Luke
Han Solo
Leia
Vader
Chewie
Threepio
Artoo

However, you would dress as:

Wedge
Porkins
Crix Madine
that spider droid from Jabba's palace
that fat dancer from Jabba's palace
Sy Snootles
Imperial Death Star firing officers (dorky hat patrol)
Mos Eisley Cantina bartender
The sewer monster
Boba Fett!
An Imperial probe droid

You always kept a bowl filled with live three-legged frogs next to your bed, just in case you wanted a snack.

As a child, whenever you had broken something, your response was always, "It must've had a self-destruct mechanism. I didn't hit it that hard."

You actually CAN move things with the Force.

You've refused to enter a cave/cavern/tunnel without a handgun and a large stick.

You've told the mall Christmas elf, "You will take me to Santa now."

When someone had apoligized to you, you choked him and told him that you accepted his apology.

You've told people that you're fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

When you waited for a friend to catch up with you, you told him to hurry up or he'd be a permanent resident.

The girl you've been going out with suddently tells you she loves you and you said, "I know."

You've bought Wing Commander III and/or IV just because Mark Hamill was in it!

You've composed lyrics to the SW theme.

You've tried to create your own Yoda puppet out of a green sock and some buttons.

You have lightsaber duelled with cardboard tubes, rolled up periodicals, or common garden vegetables.

When nobody else is around, you've seriously tried to draw something into your hand with the Force.

You've used one of Solo's lines in an intimate situation.

You've been pulled over by a policeman and when asked to see your drivers' liscence you replied, "You don't need to see my identification."

You have physically threatened anyone who referred to "Hans Solo" or "Dark Vader", confused Star Wars with Star Trek, or spellied Wookiee with only one "e."

You have held up an onion ring and said, "Look sir, droids."

You've referred to Wedge Antilles or Boba Fett as "The Man."

Everytime you put a glove on your right hand you say... "that's right, Artoo. We're going to the Dagobah System. I have a promise to keep to an old friend."

You've ever found yourself in a chat room, training Jedi.

You've tried to make your own lightsaber.

You've gotten into a fist fight with a Trekkie.

You've told family and friends that your children LOVE Star Wars, even though they really don't, just so you can play with the toys!

You've bought a white Isuzu Trooper, strictly because of the name

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:15 PM
How Darth Vader Stole Christmas
In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

"Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

"How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader.... "Because I've felt your presents...."

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:17 PM
TOP TEN SIGNS ITS TIME
TO LEAVE THE EMPIRE
10. Get ordered to go chase the Millenium Falcon

9. Get promoted to Star Destroyer Captian after commander "mysteriously" kicks the bucket

8. Life Insurance for TIE Pilots just too expensive

7. When out with friends, can never pick up the good looking women because you can't see out of the stupid helmet

6. Others make fun of you because you follow a talking squeeling toaster around the Death Star

5. Find out Stormtrooper armor really made out of paper mache' (sp?)

4. Tired of having the Emperor making you dance just by twitching his fingers

3. You here someone say "Ah, flying through an asteriod field ain't all that bad"

2. When promised you would see the galaxy if you joined the imperial Navy didn't know they meant going to Tatooine

And the number one reason:

1. Three words: Vader's sparring partner

Damocles
April 3rd, 2009, 06:20 PM
Star Wars:
Changing Luke
One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.

Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?

Ben: Like what?

Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.

Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.

Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.

Luke goes off to have his drink.

Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.

Owen: Hey Ben have you seen Luke today?

Ben: Yes. he's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:31 AM
Cow jokes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:32 AM
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to someone else.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and evenly distributes the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:33 AM
Dzur - You have two cows. You kill one and make dinner using the flank steak lightly cooked in olive oil with garlic, shallots, paprika, 5 different kinds of pepper and turmeric. It is served with a red wine reduction sauce flavored with tarragon, basil and vinegar on a square plate with rounded corners and filligreed edges.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:34 AM
The Anita Blake series - You have two cows. They want you to be their leader but you have to have sex with them first.

Wizard's First Rule - You have two very odd-looking cows.

Or

Wizard's First Rule - You have two cows. One makes you fall in love with it and the other punches a melon-sized hole in your chest.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:35 AM
The Wheel of Time - You have two cows. Eventually they will drive you insane just like everyone else who has had two cows.

A Song of Ice and Fire - You have two cows. They both get killed.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:36 AM
Laurell K Hamilton:
One of them turns out to be a were-cow and has kinky intentions with the other one, who is a vampire cow.

Shakespeare
One of them is a bull in disguise, who falls in love with the other cow with hilarious consequences.

Robert Jordan
One of the cows folds her legs beneath her, while the other one tugs her braid and smooths her skirt.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:38 AM
Prince of Nothing
Both cows are skin-spies. And then death comes swirling down.

Philip K. Dick
You have two cows. One of them watches you when your back is turned. The other has stolen your drugs on behalf of the government.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:39 AM
The Inferior
If you don't kill and eat those two cows, they will kill and eat you.

The Bible
You have two cows. Two chickens. Two giraffes. And an ark.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:40 AM
Robinson Crueso
You have two cows. They're starting to look mighty attractive.

Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
You have two cows. They are both off-world galactic hitch hikers who don't take you with them when the Earth is bulldozed.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:41 AM
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
You have two cows. One of them is a right evil one. And come to think of it, you've never seen them both in the same room...

Star Wars
You have two cows. One is your long lost sister and then the other turns round and declares 'I am your father' in a raspy voice.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:42 AM
car Night/Iron Angel:
"You have two cows; they will end up in hell eventually.

Shadowbridge:
"You have two puppet cows".

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:43 AM
Neuropath:
"Your brain has two cows".

Battlestar Galactica:
"You have two cows and they have a red roving eye each".

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:44 AM
Jane Austen:
Alas, I can never wed because all I possess is two cows, what will become of me?

Tolkien
Two cows to rule them a

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:45 AM
Julian May:
Two cows, one operant, one latent. Doomed to conflict.

Stephen Donaldson:
Two cows, one has BSE and complains about it, a lot. The other falls in love anyway.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:46 AM
Narnia
You have two cows, and you can't get either one to shut up.

Phillip Pullman
You had one cow, as close to you as part of your soul, but the Catholic church took it from you.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:48 AM
Elfquest
You have two cows. One is obsessed with finding more cows and the other just wants to look at the stars and eat dreamberries

Hal Duncan
Your two cows are actually different versions of the same cow from alternate parts of the Vellum, and avatars of the Sumerian cow-god. And they're both gay.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:51 AM
The Sword of Shannara
Two Cows to rule them all. In other words; a Tolkien ripoff.

Gordon R Dickson
You have two cows. They're gonna rip your guts out.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:52 AM
The Blade Itself:
"Say something of your two cows, say that they are pawns in a game played by mighty gonzos, just like you".

Altered Carbon:
"You have two cow sleeves; they will have to do until you find better ones. Thanks to your envoy training you can overcome this problem and move to the next screen".

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:53 AM
World War Z:
You have two cows, but they are eaten by Zombies.

Sergei Lukyanenko:
You have two post communist cows, one of them is incredibly powerful, tho other moreso. they both battle the forces of darkness.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:56 AM
Deadwood:
You have two cows, but they are worthless and end up being fed to Mr Wu's Pigs.

Erikson:
Your two cows have hitherto-undiscovered cow powers, with which they will defeat the slightly-less-capable ancestors of cows that we thought had become extinct.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:58 AM
A Dance With Dragons
You see two dots in the distance...they are cows.

Naked Lunch
One cow runs around in a drug-induced frenzy before collapsing in a deliquescing pile of goo, while the other quotes Beat poetry about the erotica of fascism.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 10:59 AM
Sword of Truth
You have two cows that are not cows, but are in fact evil incarnate.

Malazan Book of the Fallen
You have two cows. You kill and eat them. And then they come back.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:00 AM
Malazan again:
You have two cows: one holds nine separate bovine souls, one is a warren unto itself for 15,000 pages.

The Pillars of the Earth:
You have two cows: one wants to build a church..

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:01 AM
The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
You have two cows. You regard them as mere animals but then their goodness and innocence wins you over and you find yourself in a war against the evil butchershop owner.

The Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
You have two cows. They drink human blood. You love them anyway.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:02 AM
David Eddings
You have two cows. One is blue. The other is red. They are supposed to be evenly matched, but the blue one wins every time. You are bored.

The Lies of Locke Lamora
You claim to have two cows. In truth you have two trillion and strive always to get more. You bother milking only two of them and employ no milkmaids. Cows are forever, right?

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:03 AM
Ea Cycle
You have two cows. Their souls remind you of stars. You teach the cows to meditate.

The Night Land
You have no cows anymore. You are barricaded inside the farm house for safety against the ferocious mutant cows and their foul offspring. This has been going on for a while.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:05 AM
A Christmas Carol
You have a steak, a cow and a calf, but at the end of the day, Tiny Tim gets a goose.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Cowdledum and Cowdledee or how GINO was written. (Inhouse joke.)

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:06 AM
Through the Looking Glass
'Twas brillig, and the slithy cows/did gyre and gimble through the wabe. (Another GINO joke.)

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:06 AM
Wild Cards
You have two cows. One dies and the other grows jellyfish legs.

Jhereg
You have two cows. You're hungry, but if you kill one cow the herd next door will trample you to death.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:07 AM
Yendi
You have two cows. One tries to kill the other, then sleeps with it.

Confessor
You have two cows. You banish them to another world with all of the other cows, but you keep the goats.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:08 AM
Malazan yet again!
You have two cows. They are 10,000 years old and occasionally turn into dragons. You don't know why.

Elric
You have two cows. One tries to kill you, so you burn down the barn.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:10 AM
The Heralds of Valdemar
You have two telepathic cows. Lucky you.

Paladin of Shadows
You have two cows. You trade them for more whores? What are you, stupid?.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:11 AM
Feast for Crows:
You were supposed to have two cows, but Martin only gave you one. He swears that he'll be sending the second cow any day now...

Harry Turtledove
Uou have two cows, one is a alien lizard in disguise, the other wants to be the dictator of the Confederate States of America.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:13 AM
Mélusine
You have two cows. Through careful study of them you invent the magical discipline of Bovinurgy. Somehow, this involves a lot of weird sociology.

David Eddings
You have two cows. They are fivefold each. Despite different names, they are the same. They are real cash cows.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:15 AM
Isaac Asimov
You have two cows which must always follow the three laws of dairy farming.

Kushiel.
You have two cows that turn out to be into kinky morality every time you get stuck in a plot hole.

Heinlein
Same as Kushiel

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:19 AM
Riftwar.
You have two cows. One is a powerful wizard who can travel between worlds, the other is a powerful warrior who also can travel between worlds.

Riftwar again.
You have two cows. Both of them are idiots.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:20 AM
R.A. Salvatore:
You have two cows. They slashed left and killed an orc.

Matthew Stover:
You have two cows. You eat one. The other moos "surrender to you? Hell no!" and eats you.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:22 AM
Kelly Link
You have two cows. They aren't cows, they are zombie ballerina superhero disgruntled 20 something TV stars.

Paladin of Shadows
You have two cows because you adopt them. LIKE CATS. These cows also have the killing prowess of a ninja master and the bedroom skills of the most ambitious harlots. You are nuits!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:23 AM
Kim Stanley Robinson
You have two cows. One of them works for a large multinational corporation. The other is an eco-terrorist who writes poetry about soil erosion and its contribution to the decline of edible grasses. Both of them are very buff. They meet a bull who is a revolutionary working in low-level government, have an orgy, and reconcile their differences while still disagreeing on whether genetically-modified alfafa is an acceptable solution to the world's problems.

And again you are nuts!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:25 AM
Tim Powers
You have two cows. One of them is actually an elaborate puppet controlled by a tiny bull living inside its heart. The other is a reincarnation of Hathor the Celestial Cow, brought to life by a crazed ghost in an elaborate plot to regain a body and become immortal. They are actually the same cow, but one of them has traveled back in time from the future.

And the theme continues....

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:26 AM
Joe Abercrombie
You have two loyal cows. One of them might be a spy for the Dairy Farmers' Guild, so you must torture them both to get answers while complaining that you haven't been able to eat steak in many years.

Toby Barlow
You have two cows. But they're really werecows that run in herds.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:27 AM
Samuel Beckett
You're still waiting for your two cows.

Umberto Eco
The two cows might be templars.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:28 AM
Jeff VanderMeer
You had two cows. One was devoured by squid. The other hangs around with a demented dwarf at the Borges Bookstore.

Ursula Le Guin
You never had two cows. They refused to accept any sort of hegemonic power you might claim over them- so you ate them.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:30 AM
R.A Salvatore.
You have two good cows. They both hate life on your farm. All your other cows are evil. One of the good cows displeases you, and the evil cows sacrifice the other one to appease you. The surviving good cow flees to the farm of kindly old McDonald.

You really should have raised chickens!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:32 AM
H.P Lovecraft.
You have two cows. This gives you no comfort, for you have had a mercifully brief glimpse into the true nature of the universe. Mankind is as ephemeral to the cyclopean cosmic horrors as a mayfly is to a man. When the stars are right, the Old Ones will rise and humanity will die. It will have existed only briefly, hardly even a distraction to eldritch, ancient terrors. It will leave no greater mark behind than will your two cows.

Yeah. Mooooooving along......

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:34 AM
George Orwell:
You have two cows. The big one is always watching.

Gemmell
You have two cows. You think because they're old and grey that they're weak and easy prey in battle. The one cow greets your misconception with a two-bladed axe to the head, the other with a quarrel through the eye.

And then they really go to work!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:35 AM
Lynch
You have two cows. They both play games and pretend to be something they're not. Discovery of this will lead to an inevitable hit in the solar plexus.

Sword of Truth:
You have two beings that look like cows, but they are not cows. They are evil. They are in league with the chicken.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:36 AM
Steven Erikson
You have two cows. Both are pulling on a cart running away from chaos. One of them is wondering why that Tiste Andii did not simply use a knife when he wanted to eat.

Iain M. Banks
You have two cows. One is a Culture citizen who just wanted to enjoy eating grass. The other is a Special Circumstances drone disguised as a cow which plans to overthrow the evil cow empire using the other cow as its agent.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:40 AM
Market Forces (Morgan): You have two cows. One is at the top of the cow pasture ladder. The other wants to be. After a lengthy friendship, the second cow climbs to the top by crushing the skull of the other after a lengthy run through a meadow. That cow is now a partner in Farm Risk International.

Altered Carbon (Morgan): You have two cows. One diddles the other six ways from Sunday before going on a killing spree in the pasture. The cow kills four sheep, two goats, six horses, the farmer, the farmer's daughter, three kittens, a goose and the aging hound dog while trying to understand the supposed "self-milking" of the third cow, the one who hired him. The second cow is upset with what the first cow has done, but only for a minute, before they start whatever it was they did again.

Black Man (Morgan): You have two cows. But one is not just a cow, its a black cow, a Black Bull in fact. The other bulls are made nervous by the sheer power and masculinity of the Black Bull, while all the cows want to be with him. The Black Bulls job is to bring in other bulls that have left the field, usually with lethal force. There is copious diddling.

That was a bovine waste of time!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:43 AM
Dune (Herbert): You have two cows. One cow is very special, a result of a special breeding program of the Bene Farmer. He is the Kwisatz Udderach - the one who can moo in many places at once. It is he who will lead his millions of Frecows across the pastures, like a fire of death across the known universe, trying to end the tryanny of the Milkstraad.

Uhhhhhh. Yeah.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:43 AM
Hunters of Dune
(Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson): You have two cows. They milk a great series for all it is worth. The milk is already congealing. Frank Herbert rolls around in his grave.

And curdles.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:45 AM
Robert Jordan: You have two cows, they are joined by another, a bull. One who can "touch the tainted source of all milk, where females fear to tread." They do nothing at all for a very long time.

Yep. Curdled and SOURED Frank Herbert is.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:46 AM
Joe Abercrombie
You have two cows. That's it. You have to be realistic.

Joe Haldeman
You have two cows. Due to relativistic travel, you get more cows. Then you have no cows. KABOOM.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:47 AM
Jennifer Fallon
You have two cows. One disappears. You start a new religion.

George RR Martin
The cow has two heads.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:49 AM
Count of Monte Cristo (Dumas):
You have two cows. One is awesome at everything. The other cows are jealous, and they get him in trouble with the farmer. The farmer sends him to the meat packing plant to be slaughtered, but with the help of a distinguished older cow, he escapes. He returns to the farm to enact his terrible revenge.

Dumas, like Lucas, only has one "s". I thought I'd point that out.:D

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:50 AM
Gates of Fire (Pressfield): You have two cows. Plus 298 more. Together they must hold the pass against the relentless hordes of the House of Steak Empire. The 300, along with a few others that are not really important, fight to the death so that other cattle might live.

Would have been a better read; if they had been LIONS.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:53 AM
Soylent Green
One cow is horrified to discover he ate the other cow

Alexandre Dumas again
You have two cows. A man from your past comes, and you wind up in mad despair, with no cows.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:54 AM
Daniel Abraham
You have two cows. These are the only cows in the world, because your ancestors bound the concept of cow to reality through a poem.

Süskind
You have two cows. You kill them to get a drop of cow essence, that you use to attract four more cows.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:55 AM
Leiber
You have two cows. Supernatural events rob you of them, but you get it on with the girls who helped stealing them.

Brin
You have two cows. Both are uplifted, and with your help, manage to win against large hostile alien hordes.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:57 AM
Hobb
You have two cows. But you cannot allow anyone to know about it. No-one can know the suffering of your heart or your power over them. You milk them from the shadows.

And you are really weird!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:58 AM
Robert Jordan:
You have two cows. One knows all about women. The other knows all about women.

George R.R. Martin:
You have two cows. One is brutally murdered. The other has a big dinner.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 11:59 AM
Stephen King:
You have two cows. One fled across the farm, and the other followed.

Neal Stephenson:
You have two cows. Suitably regular complex-valued periodic functions on the real line have Fourier series and these functions can be recovered from their Fourier series.

:rotf:

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:01 PM
China Mieville:
You have two cows. And a bunch of supercool monsters. Society is still going to fix your little red wagon for you.

I really didn't like you or your cows.:thumbdown

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:03 PM
The Hobbit
You have legally inherited a herd of cows but the herd has been stolen. You and your friends go on a lengthy quest to get the herd back from a famous bandit, since the two cows you actually have in your possession aren't nearly enough. You succeed but end up dying when everyone and their neighbor decides to use the opportunity to snatch some of the bandit's numerous cows now that he's dead and things come to blows. Your grave is decorated with the skull of the finest cow in the herd.

Maybe you should reread that book because that synopsis didn't make any sense?

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:04 PM
The Lord of the Rings You have one cow. You think the cow, whom you have started to call Precious, is whispering you about how it can produce enough milk to flood the worldwide market and drown your competitors.

Better.:rotf:

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:25 PM
Stephen King
You have two cows. One is haunted. The other is ordinary and you only have it for making your memoirs longer and more full of local color.

The City and the Stars
You can have unlimited virtual cows but you are afraid of pastures.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:26 PM
Ubik
You have two cows... Wait, now they're two aurochs!

Memory, Sorrow and Thorn
You have one cow and are questing to complete a set of three cows. You figure it will help, somehow.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:27 PM
Chronicles of The Raven
You have five cows. They insist on calling themselves "The Giraffe" and their produce Warm Milk. They look so tough that you have to go along with their habitual capital letter abuse.

The Sacred Seven
You have one cow. It is your twin brother in disguise. It does not produce milk and is really very lame for a cow.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:28 PM
Narnia
You have two cows. You wonder which Biblical allegory they are supposed to represent.

His Dark Materials
You have two cows. You have a lot of fun adventures running away from moral guardians. Then it is revealed to you that the only way to save the universe is for you, the chosen one, to engage in a questionable morality.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:29 PM
Lord of Light
You have two cows. Your neighbors pay for their food, as you have convinced your neighbors to consider the cows holy.

Mordant's Need
You are a wizard of a cow breeder. You have bred two cows. One milks salt water, the other waves of carnivorous maggots. You are trying to breed a cow that milks milk. You hope your experiments will pay off in your lifetime.

Some of these are getting lame.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:32 PM
World Without End (Ken Follett)
You have two cows, you used too have thousands, but all of the rest died from the Black Plague. One of the cows likes to build. The other one like too put its nose in everybody's else business.

It appears that both cows need an appontment with a butcher, the sooner, the better.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:34 PM
Goodkind I
You have two cows. Every time you milk them, they seem to enjoy it waaaaay too much and you always feel dirty.

Goodkind II
You have two cows. Two very productive cows who have produced lots of milk over the years and even bred successfully to produce other cows of their prolific, but bizarre breed. And then you decide they are dogs. You try to run them to the Fox Hunt. You keep throwing things at them demanding they "catch". You even spend an inordinate amount of time showing everyone and anyone how much they are dogs by trying to show where their "kick" spot is. To no avail.

:/:

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 12:35 PM
Martin
You have two cows. Calves actually. Not even weaned. But they have taken over the whole farm, one through stealth assassins on the chicken population and the other by climbing over The Wall.

Jordan
You have two cows. Who have hooked up with one Bull.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:03 PM
Newcomb
You have two cows. But you keep slopping them and oinking at them.

Bilsborough
You have two cows. You keep saying you have now invented milk and the burger

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:05 PM
Lynch
You have two cows. You harness them to a carriage and treat them exactly like horses and have now been lauded for re-defining the farm animal

Anne Bishop
You have two cows. You spend all your time coming up with immature salacious ways to describe their udders and the milking process.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:07 PM
Jacqueline Carey
You have two cows. One really seems to actually enjoy being branded distracting you while the other cow released the rest of the animals.

Trudi Canavan
You have two cows. the prettier one turns out to be evil while the pure sweet one is always getting into the pen with a much older and completely unsuitable bull.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:08 PM
David Eddings
You have two cows. who could not be more cow like. who come in to be milked exactly on time every time. Moo exactly like a cow should moo. And are the dullest most bovine of bovines you could imagine.

Naomi Novik
You have two cows. One just wants to eat and sleep the other is leading a crusade for cows to have the right to vote, own property and is always going off and making friends and enemies of cows on neighboring farms.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:09 PM
Mercedes Lackey
You have two cows. Who somehow have managed to take the entire local Troubled Youth Shelter under their udders and has them all living in the shed.

Terry Brooks
You have two cows. Actually you have two dead cows. Two dead cows that have been dead for so long that they now look like a pair of shoes. And yet every day you still get out your stool. Get out your bucket....

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:11 PM
Raymond E. Feist
You have two cows. One is now mated with a Zebra. The other is a phsycist working on particle Acceleration and might just be approaching deification. And not just in India.

Arthmail
You have two cows. So you slaughter them, cover them in HP, and eat them. And they are good.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:13 PM
Rock music:

Sting Vs. Bowie
You have two cows. One is awesome beyond belief, and is named Sting. The other is a stringy old thing not worth the hide, named Bowie. Bowie Cow moo's off key, and likes to sleep with Jagger-Cow. This makes all of the other farm animals sick. Sting-Cow stays awesome even when its over the hill ready for hamburger.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:15 PM
Peter F Hamilton
You have two cows. One is a psychopath who is possessed by the spirits of long-dead cows and tries to destroy all cows in the galaxy. The other finds a deus ex machina to stop him.

Wait.....the line moved!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:16 PM
The Prestige.
You have two cows. They have a rivalry over which can produce the best magical milk.

Old Man’s War.
You have two cows. They are green and genetically modified to kick alien ass!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:22 PM
Already Dead.
You have one vampire-cow. It prefers to be a loner, gets torqued off and kills half of the other vampire-cows in the pasture.

The Dresden Files.
You have one cow. It’s a wisecracking wizard-cow that picks a fight with every villain in the pasture.

Book of the New Sun.
You have one cow. It may be the culmination and savior of cowkind, but it’s hard to tell because it lies all the time.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:25 PM
Saturn Returns (Sean Williams)
You are a cow, painstakingly reassembled from the explosion of your hidden hard copy by a alien collective intelligence. There are just a few problems, you don't remember everything and you think you used to be a bull.

The Sea Beggars (Paul Kerney)
You are a bull, trained from birth be an assassin and attracted to your cow teacher - romancing her will be the catalyst for tragedy, adventure and revenge.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:27 PM
Olympiad (Tom Holt)
Two mad competitive cows spark war.

Alexander at the World's End (Tom Holt)
Your goofed up colt pupil grows up into a goofed up bull warrior that leaks on your philosophy and takes you for the ride before he kills you.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:30 PM
Song of Nero (Tom Holt)
Two young bulls, remarkably similar, one in a position of power the other a con-bull. The vagaries of politics spell disaster, but the story is only starting.

Darkwar (Glen Cook)
You are a hard as nails young heifer who is discriminated against for being a rural dope. Undaunted, by the force of your power, personality firepower and a little genocide you rise to heights of dominance never before seen, as the Doomstalker, the greatest witch-cow ever. As you grow old and your empire crumbles about you, sensing that the time of the witch cow is at the end you make the final Ceremony assuring victory at the cost of your lifeforce.
The herd still thinks you will return in case of great need.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:54 PM
Goodkind:
You have two cows. Very ordinary cows. The kind of cows you've seen many times before. Dull cows for the most part, but they have their moments. Later they start acting exactly like your neighbors cows, the ones you always thought were much better. Eventually your cows stop producing milk altogether and start spouting their philosophy and you realize what a fouled-up place your farm has become. All you wanted was a little milk.

So now you'll settke for some hamburger.:rolleyes:

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:56 PM
Animal Farm
You have two cows, one of them learns how to walk on two legs, the other one gets sent to a tannery by "mistake."

Snow Crash (Rumsfeld)
You have two cows, and they are crying by the rivers of Babylon.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 01:57 PM
Warhammer
You have two cows, well actually, the two cows have you.

Chuck Palahniuk
You don't have two cows. You have hamburger. Hamburger.

Not five cows.
Not four cows.
Not three cows.
Not two cows.
.....hamburger.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:00 PM
Lord of Light
You have two things. They never claimed to be cows. But then again they never claimed not to be cows. Neither admission could be of much benefit.

Dune
You have two cows. He who controls the cows controls the Universe.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:02 PM
The Prestige
You think you have one cow. Actually you have two, since the cow has a twin brother which swaps places with him periodically


Temeraire
You have two cows. This means you must become a cow-rider even though you always wanted to be a naval captain. Fortunately, your cows are telepathic and can breath fire.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:03 PM
The Da Vinci Code
You have two cows. Cows are an ancient symbol of the Knights Templar and using them you can persuade the woman you want to impress that she's descended from Jesus.

The collected works of L. Ron Hubbard
You have two cows. Now give them to Tom Cruise.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:03 PM
Tigana
You have two cows. You want to destroy them both to regain control of your farm (whose name nobody now remembers), but you know that unless you destroy them both simultaneously the surviving cow would be too strong to defeat.

The Lions of Al-Rassan
You have two cows. They are both supremely talented and great at everything they do. They respect and like each other but belong to different bovine religions so must inevitably fight against each other, although I'm not going to tell you who wins.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:04 PM
Time and Again
You have two cows. Actually, you don't have them now but you do if you go back to 19th Century New York.

Use of Weapons
You have two cows. They like you, but don't know you once killed another cow and made a leather seat out of it.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:05 PM
Excession
Two and a half millennia ago, the artifacts appeared in a remote corner of space, beside a trillion-year-old dying sun from a different universe. They were two perfect cows, and they did nothing. Then they disappeared. Now they are back.

The Armageddon Rag
You have two cows. If you can persuade another two cows to join in, you can start a rock band.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:06 PM
Fever Dream
You have two cows. They want you to build a steamboat for them. They don't seem to like sunlight and you've never seen them eating grass. Still, you really want the steamboat so you can put up with a few eccentricities.

Sandkings
You have two cows. You make them fight for your entertainment, but you have underestimated how dangerous they are.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:07 PM
The Hedge Knight
You had two cows. One of them died, but the other cow claims that the first cow made it a knight before it died.

This Tower of Ashes
You have two cows. Sometimes, as they follow you up the stairs on their six legs you start to feel something is a bit wrong. However, you don't think about it too much.

And now I can legally drive!

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:09 PM
A Canticle for Leibowitz:
You have two cows. In one body.

The Island of Dr. Moreau:
You have two cow-mutants. They kill you.

Fatherland:
You had two cows. But you are not sure what happened to them.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:10 PM
Mist of Avalon
You have two cows, but the their story is told by your duck

Good Omens
You have two cows, they may or may not be an angel and a devil trying to bring about or perhaps stop the Apocalypse.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:12 PM
Dungeons and Dragons
You, a rogue, and a cleric enter a mysterious field; suddenly you see two cows. Roll and add the number to your milking skill to see how much milk you can get from them.

C. S. Lewis
You have two cows. They are a thinly veiled allegory.

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 02:13 PM
In case your wondering, this is the second day in a fluster-cluck in getting a driver's license. I'm BORED.

Aphrodite
April 4th, 2009, 03:27 PM
We're back to cow jokes again??

Damocles
April 4th, 2009, 03:43 PM
Moo.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:13 PM
http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/1311322/how-would-you-kill-anakin-skywalker-from-star-wars-episode-ii

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:15 PM
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one. You ignore the government.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:16 PM
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:17 PM
ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows. You take one to the beach and teach it to surf, then you bung the other one on the barbie, drink some VB, and laugh at the idea of a surfing cow.

BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:18 PM
BITCHISM: You're a cow!

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:18 PM
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:20 PM
BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:21 PM
CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:22 PM
CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:23 PM
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk ... once.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:24 PM
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:24 PM
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:26 PM
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve. But now you have two "cows". They may not be real pigs, but at least you have something.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:27 PM
COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:28 PM
COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:29 PM
COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:30 PM
DARWINISM: You have two cows. They develop opposable thumbs and milk you.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:31 PM
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:32 PM
DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:33 PM
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

DRMISM: You have two cows. You sell both of them, but all the milk still belongs to you.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:34 PM
EGYPTIANISM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:34 PM
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:35 PM
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:36 PM
INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

INNOVATIONISM: You have two cows. You patent "cow" and claim license fees from all the milk of the world. ("All your milk are belong to us.")

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:37 PM
KUWAITISM: Upon hearing how popular cows are in the Gulf region, a group of young male Kuwaitis buy a herd. Unfortunately, they attach so many accessories (ski-racks, 3500 watt sub-woofers, nipple lights, etc.) that the cows almost collapse under the weight and/or embarrassment. The herd are all tragically killed in a massive pile-up while their owners are attempting to perform donuts by the Towers.

LEBANONISM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hezbollah.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:38 PM
LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Damocles
April 5th, 2009, 02:39 PM
MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.