Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Please Direct Me

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy, "Will you please direct me to the bank?"

"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars," answered the boy.

"Why should I pay you so much?" argued the man.

"Because bank directors are always highly paid."

[Damocles]

Podiatrism Has It's Limits

An extremely drunk man looking for a house of ill repute stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

“That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Wow, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.

[Damocles]

Sale La Vie

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

[Damocles]

Same Work, Different Pay?

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit suprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."

[Damocles]

Secret to Success

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

[Damocles]

Seen This Before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor´s, the man lifts his wife´s
coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[Damocles]

Service-Related Disability

A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"

"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

[Damocles]

Advisor

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" the bartender asked.

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told that if they ever wanted my advice, they'd let me know."

[Damocles]

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse`s aid came out and asked him what he had. He said,"Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[Damocles]

Short Breaks

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer.

She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

[Damocles]

Shredder

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Damocles]

Sleeping Like a Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

[Damocles]

Slip of the Tongue

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve. "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!

[Damocles]

Smooth and Uneventful Flight

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Damocles]

Start 'em Out Young!

A young family moved into a house in a new subdivision, beside a home still under construction. Their 6-year-old daughter took an interest in the activity next door, eventually talking with the workers.

Soon the crew adopted her as the project's mascot. They talked with her, let her join them during coffee and lunch breaks, and even gave her little jobs to do around the site.

At the end of the week, they took up a collection and gave her a real pay envelope, with nearly ten dollars inside. She took her "pay" home and her mother suggested they deposit her pay in her savings account.

At the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story, and asked the little girl how she had earned her own "paycheck" at such a young age.

She proudly replied, "I worked with a construction crew, building a house."

"Goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"

The little girl replied sweetly, "We will if that clown at the lumberyard sends over our drywall!"

[Damocles]

Stop Bugging Me!

One night, as Joe was watching TV, the doorbell rang.

He opened the door and there was a six-foot cockroach! It grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang again. He opened the door and there was the same six-foot cockroach! It punched him in the stomach, kneed him in the face, and then left.

The third night, his doorbell rang again and once again, there stood the same six-foot cockroach! This time, it beat the snot out of Joe and left him lying in a heap on the living room floor.

The next morning, Joe went to his doctor, explained what had happened, and asked, "What can I do?"

"Not much," replied his doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around!"

[Damocles]

Take Me Out...

A doctor at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" and they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[Damocles]

The Blacksmith's Apprentice

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

[Damocles]

The Courteous Chef

A guy was at a restaurant and couldn't figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter whom he knew, "What do you recommend, Henri?"

"Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert," the man replied.

"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?"

"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"

[Damocles]

The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[Damocles]

The Kid in the Red Shirt

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a
week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't
let me see you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found
him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him.
What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

[Damocles]

The Locksmith

A man picks the lock of a door and enters to find a startled, terrified woman. She asks, "Who are you, and how did you get in here?"

He responds, "I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith."

[Damocles]

The Truth Hurts

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the sychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."

[Damocles]

The Writer's Creed

Three boys were bragging about their fathers...

The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and they give him $100."

The second said, "Oh, yeah? My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $1,000."

The third boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"

[Damocles]

Therapy Session...

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said, "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

[Damocles]

They Have Feelings, Too...

A blind man walked into a large department store with his seeing-eye dog. When he got to middle of the store, he stopped, picked up his dog by the leash and began swinging him around over his head.

A horrified sales clerk rushed over and said, "Sir, is there anything I can do for you?"

The man calmly replied, "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

[Damocles]

Think

As an inspirational measure, the Boss had placed an inspirational sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- Think!

The next day he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- Thoap!

[Damocles]

Touche!

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Damocles]

Traffic Troubles

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

One day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers," said the farmer.

The next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW -- SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

Again the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW -- CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up, so the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it alright for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was ready to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Needless to say, the sheriff didn't receive a single call from the farmer after that.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" he asked.

"Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy," the farmer stated as he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign. There might be something there that we could use to slow down drivers..."

The sheriff drove out to the farmer's house and finally saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood and written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW -- NUDIST COLONY

[Damocles]

Trouble with the Mailman

I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters.

Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message:

"Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."

[Damocles]

Twisted Equity

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents."

[Damocles]

Up Close Mystery

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[Damocles]

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet. Do you want tomato sauce with that or would you prefer mustard?"

[Damocles]

Voice Mail

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[Damocles]

Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[Damocles]

Well Done Job

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said and handed the man a check. "Also, as a bonus, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

[Damocles]

What's in a Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

[Damocles]

Won't Take No for an Answer

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[Damocles]

Brain Dead

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Damocles]

Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

[Damocles]

By Its Cover

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."

"I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted.

"I know," said the librarian, "but War and Peace?"

[Damocles]

Charity Begins at Home

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless withthree children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"

[Damocles]

Considerate Citizen

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars, but I'm not."

[Damocles]

Considerate Lawyer?

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" he exclaimed.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home hasn't been mowed in ages..."

[Damocles]

Dead Lawyer

A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, "I know that, I just like hearing it!"

[Damocles]

Divorce Whisperer

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Damocles]

Dying Man's Request

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

[Damocles]

Happy Valentine's Day

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing in the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Damocles]

Hot Cup of Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

[Damocles]

I Take Offense to That!

A man walked into a bar and he was really pissed. The bartender gave him a drink and asked what the problem is. All he replied was, "All lawyers are assholes..."

A man sitting in the corner overheard the conversation and shouted back, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy whipped around and asked, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replied, "No, I'm an asshole."

[Damocles]

Investment Counselor

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

She started off with one of the first applicants, "As I'm sure you can understand, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[Damocles]

Just Passin' the Time!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me doing the guy in front of me?"

[Damocles]

Pact with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[Damocles]

Peaceful Drive

A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Ok," says the man, "that explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."

[Damocles]

Remember Me

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.

To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.

And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you're wrong. Hi Dan!

[Damocles]

Running Down Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he'd had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[Damocles]

Sleepy Husband

A lawyer is driving in the middle of nowhere and his car breaks down. After waiting a while, a farmer comes along and asks what the problem is. Discovering what the problem is, the farmer offers his home to the lawyer to stay for the night. Later that night, the lawyer is asleep, and the farmer's wife comes in his room and wants to have sex with him.

The lawyer says, "No, you're husband will wake up and catch us."

The wife replies, "My husband is a heavy sleeper - he won't wake up, I promise." To prove it, she takes the lawyer into her room where her husband sleeps and tells him to pull one of the hairs on his back. The lawyer does it and the farmer doesn't wake up.

Then they go back to the room and have sex. About 2 hours later, the wife comes back and wants more. The lawyer says once again, "You're husband will wake up and catch us."

The wife says, "I already told you, he's a heavy sleeper." She takes him in her room again and he pulls another hair on the farmer's back and still the farmer does not wake up, so they go have sex again.

It's almost sunrise and the wife comes back again and wants to do it one more time before her husband wakes up. The lawyer
says, "It's almost sunrise, he's about to wake up."

The wife says, "Let me show you one more time that my husband is a heavy sleeper." They go back to her room and he pulls a hair on the farmer's back.

Just then, the farmer turns around, looks at him and says, "You can do my wife as many times as you want, but don't use me as a scoreboard."

[Damocles]

Stuck in a Barnyard

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.

The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

[Damocles]

Terrible Accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

[Damocles]

The Judge Shows No Class

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

[Damocles]

The Right to Bare Arms

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[Damocles]

The Snake and the Rabbit


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

[Damocles]

The Will to Live

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looks somewhat upset. "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice," he said, "but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

[Damocles]

To Mars, and Beyond!

NASA interviewed potential astronauts for a trip to Mars. Only one person could go and, since there couldn't be enough fuel for a return trip, it would be one-way only.

The first applicant was an engineer. "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?" the interviewer asked.

The engineer immediately answered, "One million dollars. And I'll donate it all to my alma mater: Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor. Once again, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"

The doctor answered, "Two million dollars; a million for my family and the other million for medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. And finally, "How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?"

He immediately whispered, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer curiously inquired.

The lawyer eagerly replied, "I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send that engineer!"

[Damocles]

Too Damn Close

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Damocles]

Too Little, Too Late

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[Damocles]

Total Loss

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," says the man, "That explains the blood...but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

[Damocles]

Two Week Criminal Trial

After a two week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man´s attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, and then turns to his attorney and says, "I´m confused... does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

[Damocles]

Will You Please State Your Name?

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you please state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

[Damocles]

$100 Goes a Long Way...

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by the afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

[Damocles]

115-Year-Old Man

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights 'em."

[Damocles]

911 Confusion

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator replies.

"Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband."

[Damocles]

A Balcony with a View

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Damocles]

A Simple Farmer

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds.

Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.

"Nope," the farmer replied.

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

[Damocles]

A Stormy Relationship

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

[Damocles]

Ages Takes Its Toll...

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don´t have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

[Damocles]

Alternative Weight Loss Program

An obese man had tried every diet, to no avail, so when he saw an ad that read, "Guaranteed Weight Loss or Your Money Back!" he figured at least this time it wouldn't cost him anything.

When he called they said they'd send someone right over. Sure enough, within minutes, there was a knock at the door. He opened it and in walked a beautiful young girl wearing nothing but an overcoat.

She dropped her coat to the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, "If you catch me, we'll have sex."

The guy chased her for a long time, without success. He did this everyday for weeks until he finally caught her. She was true to her word and he now finally looked forward to exercising.

Nevertheless, the next day a faster girl showed up wearing nothing but an overcoat. She dropped her coat to the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, "If you catch me, we'll have sex." He chased her for a couple of weeks until he finally caught her and had sex.

And so his regimen continued, rather expensive, but well worth it, and boy, was he getting in shape! Soon he was catching every girl they sent. Eventually the weight loss center called him...

"Look, you're in great shape now and we're running out of girls! It's time to stop." He pleaded for just one more day of "exercise."

An hour later his doorbell rang and in stomped a huge man wearing nothing but an overcoat. He dropped his coat on the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, "If I catch you, we'll have sex!"

[Damocles]

Andy's Prison Stay

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community...and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

[Damocles]

Baby Food

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

[Damocles]

Bad Cup of Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[Damocles]

Birthin' Babies

In the back woods of a rural town, Mrs. Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Sir!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[Damocles]

Broken Leg

A moron tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," the moron responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

[Damocles]

Broken Power Mower

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Kerry kept hinting to Lorne, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Lorne arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Kerry thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

[Damocles]

Cadillac Driver

John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, John decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 5 minutes later, he spotted one and pulled over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill her up with high test," replied John.

While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking out the car. "What kinda car is dat?" he asked, "Never seen
one like it before."

"Well," responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all it got in it?" asked the attendant.

"Well," said John, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," said the attendant, "that's really somethin'."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asked John.

"That'll be $30.17," said the attendant.

John pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," said the attendant, "dem Cadillac people really think of everything!"

[Damocles]

Call Me 'Mother'

A young man was walking through a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who recently died."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Damocles]

Car Trouble

My wife came home the other day and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake!"

[Damocles]

Cash or Charge?

After spending 3 and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

[Damocles]

Casino Evil

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."

[Damocles]

Change

Two city slickers were driving through the country when they came upon a ramshackle farm with an old man out front. Thinking he'd have some fun at the old man's expense, the driver stopped the car and yelled, "Hey mister, can you change an eighteen dollar bill?"

The farmer nodded, saying, "Sure, but I'll have to go in and get my money."

The passenger in the car asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I'll give him a ten," snickered the driver. "I'll change the zero to look like an eight. He'll never know the difference."

The farmer returned with a battered, old billfold. He took the bill offered to him without a second glance and put it in his pocket. Then, he looked up and said, "How do you want the change? Two nines or three sixes?"

[Damocles]

Change of Fashion

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Oh, really? How long have you been wearing one?" he asks.

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[Damocles]

Cigarette Covers

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Damocles]

City Slicker

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

[Damocles]

Coincidence?

Two men were playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through...enough is enough."

He started walking toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"

[Damocles]

Completely Blind

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

[Damocles]

Cookbook

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

[Damocles]

Cookout

It´s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying:
Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound

The man says, "I´m having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don´t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound, too..."

[Damocles]

Country Car Trip

Four friends were taking a cross country car trip together. One was from Florida, one was from New York, one was from Idaho, and one was from Iowa.

Half way into the trip, amazed by all the great scenery he had seen, the guy from Idaho started throwing potatoes out the window. The others asked, "What are you doing?"

The guy from Idaho said, "I'm tired of potatoes. Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. All I've even seen in my life are potatoes. So I'm getting rid of them."

They were riding in silence when the guy from Iowa started throwing corn out the window. The other passengers all asked, "What are you doing?"

The guy from Iowa said, "I'm tired of corn. Corn, corn, corn. All I've even seen in my life is corn. So I'm getting rid of it."

They were riding in silence again when suddenly the guy from Florida pushed the guy from New York out of the car.

[Damocles]

Deathly Vices

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[Damocles]

Desert Life

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

[Damocles]

Don't Pee in the Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[Damocles]

Don't Try to Stop Me

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[Damocles]

Eating Pool Balls

"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.

"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.

"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."

"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"

"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"

[Damocles]

Exciting Recollections

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences...

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, that indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that, so I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down."

He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

[Damocles]

Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[Damocles]

First Time at the Casino

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

[Damocles]

Fishing for Speeders

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

[Damocles]

Flat Tire

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

[Damocles]

Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"Some fortuneteller," scoffed the man, "I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

[Damocles]

Getting Older...

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ...I tell you, I just crapped my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no...not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

[Damocles]

Go, Doctor, Go!

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came in anyways!"

[Damocles]

Going to York...

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

[Damocles]

Grandpa's Advice

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

[Damocles]

Grocery Shopping?

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy your're talking about."

[Damocles]

Haircut?

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

Later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Damocles]

Half Sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[Damocles]

Hearing Aid

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

[Damocles]

Her Drivers License

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[Damocles]

Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them!" the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those show!." complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manger is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manger.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[Damocles]

Housewife's Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be
over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a
repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact,
I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

[Damocles]

I Know CPR

A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.

Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Do you mind, ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man."

[Damocles]

I Remember!

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Grandma smiled and then replied, "I remember."

[Damocles]

I Wouldn't Buy That for a Dollar!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted: No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[Damocles]

In the Navy...

A sailor was using the urinal just as a Marine Drill Sergeant walked in. The swabby buttoned his fly and went for the door. The Sergeant growled after him, "Son, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak!"

Without breaking stride, the sailor replied, "In the Navy, they teach us not to drip on our hands."

[Damocles]

Interpreting for the Godfather

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million buck you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Damocles]

It Pays to Tell the Truth!

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[Damocles]

It's All in the Name...

A young girl asks her mother, "Mum, why is my name Petal?"

Her mother replies, "When you were born, a petal fell on your head."

"Oh," she replies.

One of her sons asks her, "Mum, why is my name Leaf?"

She answers, "When you were born, a leaf fell on your head."

"Oh," he says.

Then the woman's other son goes up to her and asks, "Ngangungunganga?" with an obvious mental problem.

The woman says, "Shut up, Fridge!"

[Damocles]

Just Trying to Help...

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.
Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly. "I'm trying to give up drinking."

[Damocles]

Karate Chop from Japan

A small guy is drinking beer and all of a sudden another punches him and says, "Karate chop from Japan."

The small guy gets up and moves away. The same guy comes again and throws him. He then says, "Judo throw from China".

The small guy goes out and is gone for an hour. He comes back knocks the guy out, and tells the bartender, "When he comes to, tell him a crowbar from Sears."

[Damocles]

Kids Say the Darnedest...

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our 6-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

[Damocles]

Kids Will Be Kids

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."

[Damocles]

I Wouldn't Buy That for a Dollar!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted: No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[Damocles]

Language at the Breakfast Table

Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word tomorrow because it will be fun and bring some excitement to the table. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word tomorrow. The eleven year old decides to use the word 'hell' and the eight year old decides to use the word
'ass.'

The following morning, the mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some Cheerios!"

The mother is furious. She launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words. When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what he wants for breakfast.

"Well, you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Damocles]

Last Meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES????"

"Yes, Strawberries."

He is told "But they are out of season!"

"So, I'll wait..."

[Damocles]

Last Wish

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like
this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

[Damocles]

Laughing Newborn

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.

I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents, but he kept on laughing -- his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

A paediatrician unfolded the baby's tiny fingers, one at a time, to check if his hand was all right.

Guess what he found?

The birth control pill.

[Damocles]

Little Johnny Goes Shopping

Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.

The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."

Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.

The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."

Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."

[Damocles]

Madly in Love

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Damocles]

Motherly Love

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

[Damocles]

My Brother Does It All the Time...

Two guys in a car drive right through the red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.

"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.

The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

[Damocles]

Never Give Up...

A group of senior citizens was chatting.

"My arms are so weak I can barely lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean; my cataracts are so bad I can't see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a lady.

"I can't bend my left knee," said a man.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another chimed in.

"Ever since my stroke my hands tremble," said another.

There was a moment's pause.

"Well, at least we can all still drive!"

[Damocles]

New Clock?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh felgercarb,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[Damocles]

New Paint Job

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk
who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

[Damocles]

Nice Brothel Lady

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.

Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"I'd like to get done," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club," she explains. "To join, you must slip a hundred dollars under the door."

The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears again.

The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get done."

The madam says, "What, again?"

[Damocles]

Ordering Problems

An elderly couple was watching television one evening.

"I am going to get a dish of ice cream now," the wife said.

Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife.

"I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the husband.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs.

His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

[Damocles]

Oriskany Falls

A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

[Damocles]

Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Damocles]

Pay the Piper

A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave desert. Its the middle of summer and the area is not named Death Valley for nothing, so he decides to hike out. By the time he finally reaches even a dirt road, he is on his last legs and dying of thirst. Up ahead he spots a roadside stand and a shack. He gets to his feet and stumbles up to the stand.

"Water!" he croaks.

Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water," he explains. "My brother Sam, though, he sells bottled water in the shack next door. I sell ties. Wanna buy a tie?"

"No, I need water," the dying man says. He drags himself over to the door of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts to walk in, when Sam, the shack owner, stops him.

"Sorry, can't get in without a tie!"

[Damocles]

Penny for Your Thoughts...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their infant's crib. As she watched him looking down at their very first baby, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[Damocles]

Picture Perfect

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Damocles]

Plane Crash Survivor

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto another huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I'm finally saved!!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!!"

[Damocles]

Playing Fireman

A Fire Fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when he notices a little buy next door in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the side.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck."

The fire fighter walks over to look at the set up and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says,"You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Damocles]

Pressed Clothes

Two old gents were rocking quietly on the porch of an old folks home in England when Lady Bottomley - age 94 - decided to streak the compound. She ripped off her clothes and toddled across the lawn.

One gent looked up, "I say, wasn't that Lady Bottomley?"

The other looked over his glasses, "I think so."

The first asked, "Whatever was that she was wearing?"

The other replied, "I don't know, but it certainly needed pressing!"

[Damocles]

Quite the Bargain!

A little old man found himself seated in the same train compartment as a beautiful young woman wearing a low-cut summer top.

"Excuse me, miss, but I couldn't help noticing your breasts," he began. "They are perfect. Is there any chance I could touch them? I mean you no harm. I'm just an old, lonely man."

"Certainly not! Do you want me to summon the conductor?!" she exclaimed.

"Please," begs the old man. "Just for a moment. I could pay you. How about... twenty dollars?"

She frowned. "I'm going to call the conductor!"

"No, wait," pleaded the old man.

"How about fifty dollars?"

She shook her head again. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

With a desperate look in his eye, the old man cried out, "How about a hundred dollars?! For just one minute. No one will ever know."

The young lady looked around, saw no one anywhere, and said, "Well, you do seem like a nice old guy and I could use a hundred dollars...but for 30 seconds only! Agreed?"

The old man readily agreed and scooted himself over beside her. He then touched her breasts and start mumbling to himself, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

When his time was up, she removed his hands and asked, "Why did you keep mumbling, 'Oh, my God! Oh, my God!'"

The old man winced and replied sheepishly, "Oh, my God! Where am I going to get a hundred dollars!?"

[Damocles]

Rough Family!

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.

The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother."

When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Damocles]

Rude Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really?" she asked, almost curious now, "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"

[Damocles]

Sad Stories

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"

[Damocles]

Safe Driving

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations!" he told John. "What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[Damocles]

Sea Monsters Love Potatoes

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can´t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

[Damocles]

Seeing-Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog ignores the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leading the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. The screech of tires and horns can be heard blaring, as panicked drivers try to desperately avoid running the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Then, the blind man takes a cookie out of his coat pocket and offers it to the dog.

A passerby who had observed the near fatal incident says to the blind man in amazement, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in the passerby's direction and replies, "I'm trying to find out where the mutt's head is, so I can kick his rear end!"

[Damocles]

Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dummy. Some clown has stolen our tent."

[Damocles]

Slow Supermarket Check-Out

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping centre. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

[Damocles]

Smart Cabbie

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? Who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

[Damocles]

Sneakers

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

[Damocles]

Solitaire

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many good ideas were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[Damocles]

Some Friend...

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes,'" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon. "You're ever so brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

[Damocles]

Spoiled Weekend

A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows the kid round, and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused....so the manager said he would show him what he meant. Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

"Certainly," pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on, "Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it."

"I hadn't thought of that," says the customer. "I'll take the lawn mower as well then"....and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says, "Now do you understand our policy?" to which the kid replies, "Yes...it's good!!"

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal with this guy." So the kid asks the bloke if he can help.

"Yes," replies the guy hesitantly, "Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife..."

"Certainly," pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled and the manager's face drops, so the kid went on, "Well, the weekend's ****ed....you may as well cut the grass!"

[Damocles]

Still in the Game

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too," the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

[Damocles]

Strangest Thing

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug... and the whole darned house suddenly drained away."

[Damocles]

Strong Man

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."

[Damocles]

Swindled

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There´s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

[Damocles]

Talk Funny

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways," she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

[Damocles]

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends, Fred leads his pals into the den.

"What's this big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asks.

"That is my "Talking Clock," the young man replies.

"How does it work"?

"Watch," Fred says as he proceeds to give the gong an ear shattering bang with the hammer.

Suddenly they hear a scream from the other side of the wall in the next apartment.

"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! IT'S TWO AM!!!"

[Damocles]

Tampax

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

[Damocles]

Terrible Migraines

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

[Damocles]

The Diet

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

[Damocles]

The Hook

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate, "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded, "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked, "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked, "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

"First day with me hook."

[Damocles]

The Check

A lady is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding me while I write the check please?" The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss, but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."

"Oh it's quite simple really," she replies, "I love ti be held when I'm being done!"

[Damocles]

The Naked Man

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

[Damocles]

The New Baby

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" and the mother says, "When the baby cries."

They ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

[Damocles]

The Slap of Luxury

An economy car pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.

"Do you have a fax machine?"

The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."

"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the small car driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same car parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out his Rolls and banged on the little car's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.

The other driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

[Damocles]

The Watermelon Farmer

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was fairly successful, but was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat the watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea to scare the kids away. He made a sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids showed up and saw a sign, that said: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer showed up the next week and when he looked at the field he realized that no watermelons were missing, but he saw a new sign next to his.

The sign read: "Now there are two."

[Damocles]

This Old Lady

Three old ladies were sitting in a diner, chatting.

One lady said, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady said, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiled smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She rapped on the table. With a startled look on her face, she asked, "Who's there?"

[Damocles]

Three Gifts for Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[Damocles]

Throw It Overboard

"Shall I bring you your lunch on deck, sir?" asked the cruise ship steward.

"No," replied the queasy passenger, "just throw it overboard and save us both some time."

[Damocles]

Tiny Bikini

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

[Damocles]

Toppings

The elderly veteran shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and slowly and painfully pulled himself up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split, with all the toppings.

Noticing the old man's pain, the waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

[Damocles]

Touring Ireland

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."

[Damocles]

Trouble Afloat

Once upon a time, there was a little country boy who lived in a home without indoor plumbing. The little boy hated their outhouse because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and smelled gross all year long.

One boring day, after a huge spring rain made the creek rise nearly to the outhouse, he decided to push the evil thing into the creek. He pushed and pushed until he got it rocking back and forth and finally it toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night, his dad confronted him. "Someone pushed our outhouse into the creek today. Tell the truth, son. It was you, wasn't it?"

"Yes, dad, it was," the boy admitted.

"Then tonight, after dinner, you and I are heading for the woodshed," the man told his son.

"But, dad," argued the boy, "in school we learned that when George Washington was little, he chopped down a cherry tree and he didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

His dad replied, "Well, son, that may be, but George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

[Damocles]

Trucker Clock, Who Wants It?

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his 'therapy.'

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

[Damocles]

Two Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hearby give you the gift of life."

"You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied.

[Damocles]

Underage Sex

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[Damocles]

Understanding the Doctor

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor. "After the first, I´m tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half an hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don´t you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.

"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."

[Damocles]

Unpleasant Testing

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

[Damocles]

Visiting Grandma

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed?"

[Damocles]

Washin' the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

[Damocles]

Weaving All Over the Road

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

[Damocles]

What Now?

A wealthy man and his wife were driving down the freeway in their new BMW when out of nowhere came a truck, head on. The wife was thrown from the car and was laying along side the road. The man appeared to be unhurt. As a crowd gathered, another man stepped forward.

"I'm a doctor," said the stranger. "Let me take a look."

The stranger assessed the situation and said, "I'm afraid I'll have to give her artificial respiration."

"Don't you dare!" said wealthy man, "I can afford the real thing!"

[Damocles]

What?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[Damocles]

Where's Your Wife?

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[Damocles]

Win-Win Situation

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[Damocles]

Wrong House

Bob was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What can I do for you?" Bob politely asked. "You selling something?"

"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.

"A what?" Bob asked, more confused than ever.

"A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well, you're wasting your time here," Bob answered finally. "I have no idea."

[Damocles]

Wrong Way?

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[Damocles]

Your Mother Insulted Me...

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:"

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.

[Damocles]

50th Wedding Anniversary

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the 'good old days.'

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

[Damocles]

A Different Perspective

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

[Damocles]

Absolutely Sweet Marie

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

[Damocles]

Advice from a Friend

As he walked through the front door, the husband said to his wife, "Honey, I've invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I didn't go shopping. The dishes are all dirty. And I don't feel like cooking a big meal!" she burst out, simply disgusted with her husband's abrupt decision.

"Oh, I know all that," he replied with a gleam in his eye.

"Then why did you invite someone to supper?" she inquired.

"Because the poor fool wants to get married!"

[Damocles]

Attention to Detail

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke, "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!" responded his bride lovingly.

"Good," he continued. "That's how I want my breakfast served every morning!"

[Damocles]

Brides Wear White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

[Damocles]

Check-Up

A sixty year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you might live forever; you have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The man responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he, and is he very active?"

The man responded, "Well, he's eighty-two years old, and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The man responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished! You mean to tell me that you're sixty years old, and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The man responded, "He goes skiing at least once a year and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, but my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why would your grandfather want to get married?"

The man responded, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[Damocles]

Busy Men

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.

The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

[Damocles]

Choosing a Bride

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

[Damocles]

Coming for Dinner

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[Damocles]

Dinner Conversation

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Oops.....

[Damocles]

Double the Recipe...

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if
she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don´t you just double the recipe?"

"I just can´t do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"What´s the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don´t you have them?

"Yes -- well, actually it isn´t the ingredients," the wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can´t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

[Damocles]

False Alarm

"Please, doctor! Come over right away!" pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive!"

The physician quickly got dressed, but before he got to the door, the phone rang again.

"Oh doctor, nevermind. You don't need to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one!"

[Damocles]

Give and Take

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee.

"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

[Damocles]

Happy Day

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

[Damocles]

Honeymoon at the Watergate

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

[Damocles]

Is It Really Cheating?

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..." she confesses.

"3, hmmm, well when were they?" he curiously asks.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers - no questions asked? Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me?! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me! So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again? Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife! To do such a thing, you must really love me darling! I couldn't be more moved, so alright then, when was number 3?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board, and you were 47 votes short???"

[Damocles]

Job Well Done

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Damocles]

Just One Quick Game?

As the lovely bride came down the aisle, she noticed that the groom had his golf clubs with him.

"Why are your golf clubs here?!" she furiously demanded.

He looked at her with a surprised face and replied, "Why? This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[Damocles]

Just Too Much

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

[Damocles]

Keep the Change

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

[Damocles]

Let's PRETEND We're Married...

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggled the woman.

"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket."

[Damocles]

Marriage Counseling?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

[Damocles]

Marriage Through a Child's Eyes

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc...

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[Damocles]

New Mom

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

The mother finally replies, "When the baby cries."

Her relatives curiously ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[Damocles]

No Appreciation

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

[Damocles]

Not Afraid

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM!" When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?" Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 years!"

[Damocles]

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," but, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

[Damocles]

Pray for Guidance

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

[Damocles]

Quite the Business Proposition

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization. Now you're telling me you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

[Damocles]

Running Short

A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Damocles]

Saving Up

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

The next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

[Damocles]

She Knows Too Much...

Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."

"But honey," replied the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."

"Yes," she continued, "and that's why I want you to fire her!"

[Damocles]

She's Expecting...

"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."

[Damocles]

Simple Mathematics

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "

[Damocles]

The Most Grief

A dietrician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he explained.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water, but there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" the speaker asked.

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake..."

[Damocles]

The Perfect Wedding Night


A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[Damocles]

The Pledge

Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

[Damocles]

The Rules

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex, and if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex, but if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

[Damocles]

Too Fast

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..."

"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" insisted the officer.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Damocles]

Virgin Ears

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.. please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home...please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

[Damocles]

Wedding Wagers

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[Damocles]

White Wedding Dress

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Damocles]

Wife-Long Relationship

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

[Damocles]

Air Force jokes.

[Damocles]

Pilot Jokes

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining after it lands.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

[Damocles]

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot...

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.