Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. The Air Force has pilots.

What's the difference between American pilots and other pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind...

[Damocles]

The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...
bailout

1. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
2. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
3. Me? I've never busted minimums.
4. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
5. We will be on time, maybe even early.
6. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
7. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
8. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
9. I'm a member of the mile high club.
10. I only need glasses for reading.
11. I broke out right at minimums.
12. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
13. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
14. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the T.O.
18. This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
19. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
25. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
26. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
27. I thought YOU took care of that.
28. I've got the field in sight.
29. I've got the traffic in sight.
30. Of course I know where we are.
31. I'm SURE the gear was down.

[Damocles]

Fighters or heavies?

An F-16, after refueling behind a KC-135, was generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering tanker. The message for the KC-135 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be out done, the tanker pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The KC-135 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Alternate version: "I just went back to stretch my legs, take a seat in the john, and grab a cup of coffee from the galley

[Damocles]

Aircraft Maintenance

These are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.
It was working a moment ago...

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

[Damocles]

Language Barrier?

There are glaring language differences between the services that protect our nation. Here is an example:

* When the Navy secures a building, they turn out the lights and lock the hatches.
* When the Army secures a building, they post sentries and check I.D. cards.
* When the Marines secure a building, they call in air strikes and assault through the objective using fire and close combat.
* When the Air Force secures a building, they get a 4 year lease with the option for 4 more years.

[Damocles]

TDY

An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."

A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".

A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"

The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"

An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"

[Damocles]

Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?

There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[Damocles]

Marines

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[Damocles]

Air Force/Navy Boat Race

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

[Damocles]

Tower Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[Damocles]

The Baloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Damocles]

Pilots' Hell

A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."

[Damocles]

McDonnell Douglas Corp. Warranty

Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately (McDonnell Douglas, now part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Col. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): .... /..../....

4. Serial Number: .................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Damocles]

Rules of the Air
up up and away

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Damocles]

Marching Jodies for Information Managers

My first assignment on active duty was as an executive officer (i.e. administrative weenie). During the gruelling 5-week IM (information manager) training course, I and some of my classmates came up with these jodies (marching songs).
left, right, left...

I don't know, but it's been said
that I.M. butts are made of lead

In my office, work all day
not to see the light of day

Scroll of silver on my chest
got a desk job like the rest

"Semper Scribus" is our creed
gonna write until I bleed

If I die while at my desk
serve me at the enlisted mess

Four-dash-fifty is OK
gonna get the mail out right away

BITS is BITS and that is that
gotta get the message in the right format

Shuffle those papers and run to the door
I wanna get off work around half past four

ten-dash-one is oh so fun!
I'd rather do forms than shoot a gun

If I go to a foreign land
I'll defend myself with a rubber band

More powerful than a battleship
are papers held together with a paper clip

I.M. commandos running down the isles
behind enemy lines to secure those files

In the enemy's office in the dead of night
to screw up their files before the morning light

Locator roster on the wall
I.M. forces are always on call!

[Damocles]

The Hotel Al-Kharj

Prince Sultan Air Base is the main U.S. air base in Saudi Arabia, located near Al-Kharj (alias "Al's Garage", probably arabic for "middle of nowhere"). This is sung to the tune of the Eagles' "Hotel California". Welcome to the hotel Al-Kharj

On a dark desert flightline, hot dust in my hair
Warm smell of the sewage rising up through the air
Out ahead in the distance, I saw a camel in sight
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had a long, long flight
There he stood in the doorway, with a towel on his head
I was thinking to myself: this could be heaven, but it would be hell
Then he lit up a hooka, and started puffing away
I heard voices down the corridor, thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
What a bad surprise, for your appetite

Our hosts wear long white dresses, they got the Mercedes Benz
They got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, and they hold hands
How they chop in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat
some chopped just a little, some chopped to minced meat
And still those voices are calling from loud speakers
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them pray:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
Any time of year, you're TDY here

There are no curtains in the showers
No potable water on ice
We are all just prisoners here, of Exxon's delight
So I called up my Captain, please bring me some wine. He said
"They won't allow that spirit here until the end of all time"
And in the Mirage chow hall, we gathered for the feast
We stab it with our plastic knives but we just can't cut the beef
Last thing I remember, I was running for my plane
I had to find the freedom bird to take me home again
Relax, said the First Shirt, we have orders to receive,
You can out-process any time you like, but you can never leave

[Damocles]

The Origin of Rank Insignia

The U.S. decided it needed to create insignia for officers to show their rank and to distinguish them from officers of other countries, so they put a committee together.

Second lieutenants, since they are the future of the military, are very valuable, decided the committee. They are also very malleable, so their insignia shall be a gold bar.

First lieutenants are also valuable, but not quite as malleable, so they will be designated by a silver bar.

A captain should be able to do twice the work of a lieutenant, therefore, they get two bars.

They further decided that colonels hold lofty positions of authority, like eagles soaring overhead, so that should be their insignia.

Generals, they reasoned, are even higher than colonels, so they should be designated by stars, which are higher in the sky than the birds. maj

Then the committee thought about what device to use for majors and lieutenant colonels. They thought and thought, but couldn't come up with anything. After long deliberation, the chaplain on the committee spoke up and said "Well, since Adam and Eve's day, we've always covered our unmentionables with leaves..."

[Damocles]

Feed the Pilots

an appeal from Sally Struthers and the Feed the Pilots Foundation...

It's just not right. Thousands of Air Force pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six-figure salary line. If that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a bonus if they are forced to wait for Congress to pass needed legislation. Congress is just "sitting" on much-needed legislation to increase the pilot bonus (ACP) to $25,000 per year, and while we wait our pilots are going without any bonus payments at all!

But you can help! For $480 a week (that's less than the price of a 31" television set) you can help keep a pilot economically viable during his (or her) time of need. $480 a week may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, $480 may be nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment, but to an Air Force pilot, $480 a week is their god-given right for the hardships of having to fly a sleek fighter or a mission-critical transport plane instead of some old commercial airliner between La Guardia and Atlanta.

$480 a week will enable a needy pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new high-definition TV set, trade in the 6-month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or simply enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

HOW WILL YOU KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Each month, you'll receive a complete financial statement report on the pilot you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, and real estate holdings will be mailed directly to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You will also have information on how they choose to invest their salary when they eventually separate to take a commercial aviation job.

HOW WILL THEY KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.

So won't you please help these pilots in their time of need by sending your donation of just $480 a week by check or credit card to:

Feed the Pilots
PO Box 9876
Washington, DC 12345

Thank you.

[Damocles]

In the Personal Ads...

ENEMY WANTED

Mature North American Superpower seeks hostile partner for arms racing third world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiantly menacing to convince Congress of military financial requirements. Nuclear capablility is preferred, however non-nuclear candidates possessing significant biological/chemical warfare resources will be considered. Send note with pictures of Fleet, Air squadrons and Army to:

Chairman, Joint Cheifs of Staff
The Pentagon
Washington D.C.
United States of America

[Damocles]

The Most Dangerous Things in the Air Force

1. An Airman saying "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2. A Sergeant saying "Trust me, sir..."
3. A 2nd Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience..."
4. A Colonel saying "I was just thinking..."
5. A Chief Master Sergeant saying "Watch this shit..."

[Damocles]

back to top
Life in Thule

A military transport carrying important supplies across "the pond" lands at Thule Air Station in Greenland for refueling. The flight engineer, while doing his walk-around check, notices that the station's crew chief, an A1C, is smoking a cigarette on the flight line while the "honey truck" empties the plane's commode.

"Airman! what the heck do you think you're doing? You're going to be in so much trouble when I'm through with you!"

Hearing this, the crew chief fell to the ground laughing

"What's so funny?" demanded the FE.

The airman replied, "I live on a glacier where it's winter 12 months out of the year, I make less than minimum wage, and I'm unloading goo from an airplane. What do you think you can do to me?"

[Damocles]

back to top
New Enlistment Oaths
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend the stationary bike as a valid test of fitness.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

______________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

_____________
Signature, Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

_________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

______________________________
Thumb Print, Date (Y/N)

[Damocles]

Homecoming

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month deployment in Saudi Arabia, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."

And the wife replies, "No. He's off in Saudi for six months."

[Damocles]

Pentagon Translations

What Pentagon officials say - And what they really mean:

Essentially Complete
It's half done

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle...

Basic agreement has been reached:
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review:
7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it; nobody has a clue.

Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer: "Not well defined at this time...:

Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore

Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!

Results are promising:
Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...

[Damocles]

HOW TO OPERATE A HELICOPTER MECHANIC

By William C. Dykes

A long, long time ago, back in the days of iron men and wooden rotor blades, a ritual began. It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.

New pilots are largely ignorant of the ritual because it's neither included in their training, nor handed down to them by older drivers. Older drivers feel that the pain of learning everything the hard way was so exquisite, that they shouldn't deny anyone the pleasure.

There are pilots who refuse to recognize it as a serious professional amenity, no matter how many times they perform it, and are driven to distraction by it. Some take it personally. They get red in the face, fume and boil, and do foolish dances. Some try to take it as a joke, but it's always dead serious. Most pilots find they can't change it, and so accept it and try to practice it with some grace.

The ritual is accomplished before any work is actually done on the aircraft. It has four parts, and goes something like this:
1. The pilot reports the problem. The mechanic says, There's nothing wrong with it."
2. The pilot repeats the complaint. The mechanic replies, "It's the gauge."
3. The pilot persists, plaintively. The mechanic Maintains, "They're all like that."
4.The pilot, heatedly now, explains the problem carefully, enunciating carefully. The mechanic states, "I can't fix it."

After the ritual has been played through in it's entirety, serious discussion begins, and the problem is usually solved forthwith.

Like most rituals, this one has it's roots in antiquity and a basis in experience and common sense. It started back when mechanics first learned to operate pilots, and still serves a number of purposes. It's most important function is that it is a good basic diagnostic technique. Causing the pilot to explain the symptoms of the problem several times in increasing detail not only saves troubleshooting time, but gives the mechanic insight into the pilot's knowledge of how the machine works, and his state of mind.

Every mechanic knows that if the if the last flight was performed at night or in bad weather, some of the problems reported are imagined, some exaggerated, and some are real. Likewise, a personal problem, especially romantic or financial, but including simple fatigue, affects a pilot's perception of every little rattle and thump. There are also chronic whiners complainers to be weeded out and dealt with. While performing the ritual, an unscrupulous mechanic can find out if the pilot can be easily intimidated. If the driver has an obvious personality disorder like prejudices, pet peeves, tender spots, or other manias, they will stick out like handles, with which he can be steered around.

There is a proper way to operate a mechanic as well. Don't confuse "operating" a mechanic with "putting one in his place." The worst and most often repeated mistake is to try to establish an "I'm the pilot and you're just the mechanic" hierarchy. Although a lot of mechanics can and do fly recreationally, they give a damn about doing it for a living. Their satisfaction comes from working on complex and expensive machinery. As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied, but merely tolerated, for until they actually train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly. The driver who tries to put a mech in his "place" is headed for a fall. Sooner or later, he'll try to crank with the blade tied down. After he has snatched the tailboom around to the cabin door and completely burnt out the engine, he'll see the mech there sporting a funny little smirk. Helicopter mechanics are indifferent to attempts at discipline or regimentation other than the discipline of their craft. It's accepted that a good mechanic's personality should contain unpredictable mixtures of irascibility and nonchalance, and should exhibit at least some bizarre behavior.

The basic operation of a mechanic involves four steps:
1. Clean an aircraft. Get out a hose or bucket, a broom, and some rags, and at some strange time of day, like early morning, or when you would normally take your afternoon nap) start cleaning that bird from top to bottom, inside and out. This is guaranteed to knock even the sourest old wrench off balance. He'll be suspicious, but he'll be attracted to this strange behavior like a passing motorist to a roadside accident. He may even join in to make sure you don't break anything. Before you know it , you'll be talking to each other about the aircraft while you're getting a more intimate knowledge of it. Maybe while you're mucking out the pilot's station, you'll see how rude it is to leave coffee cups, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, and other trash behind to be cleaned up.
2. Do a thorough pre-flight. Most mechanics are willing to admit to themselves that they might make a mistake, and since a lot of his work must be done at night or in a hurry, a good one likes to have his work checked. Of course he'd rather have another mech do the checking, but a driver is better than nothing. Although they cultivate a deadpan, don't-give-a-damn attitude, mechanics have nightmares about forgetting to torque a nut or leaving tools in inlets and drive shaft tunnels. A mech will let little gigs slide on a machine that is never pre-flighted, not because they won't be noticed, but because he figures the driver will overlook something big someday, and the whole thing will end up in a smoking pile of rubble anyway.
3. Don't abuse the machinery. Mechanics see drivers come and go, so you won't impress one in a thousand with what you can make the aircraft do. They all know she'll lift more than max gross, and will do a hammerhead with half roll. While the driver is confident that the blades and engine and massive frame members will take it, the mech knows that it's the seals and bearings and rivets deep in the guts of the machine that fail from abuse. In a driver mechanics aren't looking for fancy expensive clothes, flashy girlfriends, tricky maneuvers, and lots of juicy stories about Viet Nam. They're looking for one who'll fly the thing so that all the components make their full service life. They also know that high maintenance costs are a good excuse to keep salaries low.
4. Do a post-flight inspection. Nothing feels more deliciously dashing than to end the day by stepping down from the bird and walking off into the sunset while the blade slowly turns down. It's the stuff that beer commercials are made of. The trouble is, it leaves the pilot ignorant of how the aircraft has fared after a hard days work, and leaves the wrench doing a slow burn. The mechanic is an engineer, not a groom, and needs some fresh, first hand information on the aircraft's performance if he is to have it ready to go the next day. A little end-of-the-day conference also gives you one more chance to get him in the short ribs. Tell him the thing flew good. It's been known to make them faint dead away.

As you can see, operating a helicopter mechanic is simple, but it is not easy. What it boils down to is that if a pilot performs his pilot rituals religiously in no time at all he will find the mechanic operating smoothly. ( I have not attempted to explain how to make friends with a mechanic, for that is not known.) Helicopter pilots and mechanics have a strange relationship. It's a symbiotic partnership because one's job depends on the other, but it's an adversary situation too, since one's job is to provide the helicopter with loving care, and the other's is to provide wear and tear. Pilots will probably always regard mechanics as lazy, lecherous, intemperate swine who couldn't make it through flight school, and mechanics will always be convinced that pilots are petulant children with pathological ego problems, a big watch, and a little whatchamacallit. Both points of view are viciously slanderous, of course, and only partly true.

[Damocles]

The General's Physical

The General goes to the flight surgeon for his physical exam. The surgeon says, "General, what kind of problems are you having?". The General says "None whatsoever".

Surgeon says "What about your love life, when was the last time you had conjugal?"

The General says "1959".

The Surgeon says "Wow, that's a long time ago".

The General says "But it's only 0830."

[Damocles]

Most of you are probably familiar with John Gillespie Magee Jr's famous poem. You may be less familiar with its FAA Supplement, or its counterpart for low-level flying...

High Flight
Federal Aviation Administration Supplement 1:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
You have not dreamed of --
Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeled and soared and swung
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.
High in the sunlit silence.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hov'ring there
"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or imact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a diety.

Low Flight

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown my aircraft low enough,
to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills, valleys
and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
the master caution light.

[Damocles]

The New Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."

[Damocles]

The Barber

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.

"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says:

"No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says:

"No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep ... three more Air Force colonels.

[Damocles]

Message from Starfleet

The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS: LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

[Damocles]

Customs & Courtesies

Airman Jones is at the maintenance duty desk when the phone rings: "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?" The voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection, and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-so Johnson won't sign the release order."

"Airman? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, the D.O.!"

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good! Bye, Fat-so!"

[Damocles]

Air Force One

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. The panic stricken Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[Damocles]

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base

"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

[Damocles]

Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

[Damocles]

German Airfield

One World War II decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

[Damocles]

UPT Stories

student pilot: "tower, Tweet 71, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Tweet 71, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Student pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

A student pilot flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys transmit instead of intercom to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware: (broadcasting to world) "Sir, I'm all fuked up."

ATC responds, demanding: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

After a short pause, the IP gets on the radio: "He said he was ****ed up; he didn't say he was stupid."

Helicopter Pilot: "Range control, I'm holding at 3000' over beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000' over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my copilot."

[Damocles]

The Importance of Airspeed

A good ol' boy American AF reservist C-130 pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Control: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Control (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Control: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Control: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

[Damocles]

War Heroes

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?" "

Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

[Damocles]

Training Program

An Air Force pilot walks into the O'club carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of felgercarb in the other, and a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of felgercarb, scaring the cat off his shoulder, which he chases out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the captain returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of felgercarb in the other, and another cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the felgercarb from his last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What do you want?"

"I'd like a drink", responded the captain.

"No way, not after your last escapade", snapped the bartender.

"But bartender, I'm in training", replied the man.

"Training! Training for what?", questioned the bartender.

"I'm getting out to be an airline pilot", responded the officer.

"An airplane pilot?", questioned the bartender, "How does what you're doing train you for that?"

"Well", added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little felgercarb, I chase a little cat, and then I take five days off!"

[Damocles]

Ground Effect

An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it. Now, the Mirage is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level.

The EF-111 crew were credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground. There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed aircraft scores a kill.

[Damocles]

SR-71 Stories

Excerpted from "Sled Driver," by SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.

Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

...

[Damocles]

Bureaucracy in Action

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973:

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."

[Damocles]

Ergo Test

Ways to make the Ergometry test (a stationary bike that replaced the 1.5 mile run) more fun:

1. Wear a bike helmet to the test. Optional: Include knee and elbow pads.
2. Demand the tester wear a reflective road guard vest "for safety."
3. Bring a bike horn and attach it. Each time the tester adjusts the tension, honk the horn loudly and yell, "Get the hell out of the way, you idiot!"
4. Bring a bike bell and attach it. Ring it once every 15 seconds - "Just to maintain your rhythm."
5. Attach streamers to the hand grips.
6. Bring a playing card to the test. Demand that it be inserted in the spokes.
7. Pop a wheelie. Optional: Do an axle grind on the nearest table. Optional: Bunny hop the bike.
8. At the beginning of the test, peddle while standing. Tell the tester,"I'm going uphill now, you fool."
9. Halfway through the test, stop peddling and lower your head between thehandle bars and stick your butt in the air. Explain to the tester, "I'm coasting downhill and about to take the lead in the Tour De France!!!"
10. Signal all turns.
11. Make motorcycle sounds. Be sure to shift gears when the tester changesthe tension.
12. Bring a sack of newspapers. Deliver them.
13. Periodically extend your legs and arms, yelling, "Look ma, no hands!"
14. Bring a friend to ride on the handle bars. Optional: Attach a kiddy seat to the back. Bring your kid.
15. Bring a bike lock. Be sure to secure the bike when you leave.

[Damocles]

back to top
Air Force Dictionary

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and dumps stuff all over everything.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.

CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing Delta's pay scale while your commander is within earshot is serious CRM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the wing level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man changed my leave schedule for the fourth time this month."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking the boss . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.

40% REDUX RETIREMENT - The new retirement plan that will result in reduction of Air Force manning to 40% of wartime requirements.

AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The $16,308 a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.

[Damocles]

Air Force First Sergeant Test

You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

1. Ask for her hand in marriage.
2. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
3. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

1. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
2. Ask him about his recent root canal.
3. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:

1. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
2. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
3. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:

1. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
2. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
3. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

1. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
2. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
3. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

You are at a dinner party with the colonel and his wife (she looks like the regional runner-up at the Kate Smith look alike contest). Halfway through the dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:

1. Accidentally spill hot coffee on your lap.
2. Slip the hostess a note to have the boss's wife help her in the kitchen, and see if the hand goes away when she leaves.
3. If it doesn't, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If he follows, don't come out until you have a maximum performance evaluation report.

You're on your way to brief the General when your zipper breaks and you discover you've forgotten to put on underwear that morning. You:

1. Call the General's secretary instead.
2. Explain to the General you've been trolling for gays.
3. Slip on a baggy raincoat and head for the dependent school playground.

It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but whores and football players live there. He explodes with, "My wife is from Atlanta!" You:

1. Ask what position she plays.
2. Ask if she's still working the streets.
3. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.

You're attending a briefing given by a Colonel. You feel a tremendous pressure building in your anal area which you diagnose as gas accumulation. Feeling confident you have the muscle tone required for a controlled venting operation, you allow the sphincter to slightly relax. As the hair curls on the nape of your neck, you realize your error in judgment as fifty cubic centimeters of diarrhea slam into your jockey shorts. Your next action is:

1. Moan loudly, grasp your chest, and fake a massive coronary.
2. Ask mindless questions concerning the subject being briefed, wait for someone to yell, "who gives a shit!" then raise you hand.

You feel the onset of a horrendous sneeze halfway through a briefing. Realizing you do not have a handkerchief, you elect to sneeze into the naked palm of your right hand. After muttering appropriate social amenity, you conduct visual inspection of the results of your action and discover your palm is encased in a pool of multi-viscosity goo. You elect to:

1. Open your uniform shirt and wipe the secretion on your T-shirt.
2. Pretend you are brushing a fly off the back of the person seated in front of you.
3. Spread the offending matter on your hair, then use a comb to work it in the larger pieces.

[Damocles]

Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[Damocles]

Lonely Fighter Pilot

An Air Force fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"

"11 Years," he answered. She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.

"11 Years." She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time you played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.

"11 years," the deprived pilot replied. The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"

[Damocles]

Engine Trouble

While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"

The pilot confirmed that it was.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "I'm going to get help."

[Damocles]

Crew Coordination
E-3 AWACS

I can personally verify that this is a true story. An AWACS was on its way to Saudi Arabia, when the flight crew decided to have some fun with the mission crew commander (MCC), who had a reputation for being somewhat uptight.

First, the flight engineer (FE) called the MCC on intercom to say he had to check out a problem with the autopilot in the forward lower lobe. They went through the proper checklist, then the FE went back to the mission crew compartment, opened the hatch in the floor, and went down inside. Few people on the mission crew (but many more after this event) know that there's a second hatch to the forward lower lobe under the navigator's console. The FE went through the lobe and up through this hatch, back into the cockpit. After a few minutes, the FE gets on the intercom again:

"pilot, engineer, I'm not sure what I'm looking at here. Could you come down with the T.O. and help me out?" So the pilot also comes back and goes down the hatch, while the MCC watches, and sneaks up through the nav's hatch to retake his seat in the cockpit. A little while later, the pilot calls on intercom to the copilot:

"Co, could you help us out down here? I need you to reset the circuit breakers after we check each of the actuators." The copilot comes back to the mission compartment, and the MCC (who is starting to get a little nervous at this point) watches him disappear down the hatch after the pilot and FE. He also secretly emerges into the cockpit to join his co-conspirators. A few minutes later, the pilot starts porpoising the aircraft up and down. The navigator comes on the intercom:

"Pilot, nav, it looks like the autopilot has come uncoupled, I need you back up here." (no answer) "MCC, nav, what are those guys doing back there? This is getting pretty serious!" The MCC, in a panic, goes to the hatch and literally dives in. After minutes of frantic searching for the missing crew members, he finds the second hatch, opens it, and pops his head into the cockpit. He's bleeding from a cut on the forehead and fuming about the prank. After the flight crew get their laughter under control, they are able to more-or-less calm him down for the remainder of the flight.

When the MCC reports this to the detachment commander to get the flight crew in trouble, the Detco thinks it's one of the funniest stories he's heard, and tells the MCC to basically get a band-aid and relax.

[Damocles]

Captain Bravado

There was a bomber pilot during WWII named Captain Bravado, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while flying over Germany, the tail gunner spotted two FW-190's approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado ordered his copilot to bring him his red shirt.

The copilot quickly got the red shirt to the captain, who put it on and turned toward the fighters to give his gunners a better field of fire. His crew shot down the enemy planes and went on to lead the formation on a successful bombing run.

That evening, all the men sat around the hangar recounting the earlier triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

The next day, they took off for a mission deeper into the heart of the Third Reich. Once over German territory, the top gunner spotted an entire squadron of German fighters above them, while the belly gunner saw another squadron below.

The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast horde arrayed against his craft, and without fear, turned and calmly said, "Get me my brown pants."

[Damocles]

WWII Oddities

I haven't verified any of these, but some are pretty amusing...

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army’s 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler’s private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

6. Germany’s power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

7. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

8. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

9. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

10. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn’t worth the effort.

11. A number of aircrewmen died of farts. (Ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

12. The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared minefields by marching over them). "It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin

13. The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

14. The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions, and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops who WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

15. When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca Cola bottling plants.

16. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

17. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 18. The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germany’s newest radar system.

19. One of Japan’s methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. "Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat."—LtGen. Mutaguchi

20. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

21. The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I don’t know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

22. Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

23. The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

24. During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officer’s mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

25. Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious "Heavy Water." He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

[Damocles]

The Chain of Command

ADMIRAL/GENERAL
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

CAPTAIN/COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and talks to God.

COMMANDER/LT COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special chit is approved.

LT COMMANDER/MAJOR
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT/CAPTAIN
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can fire a handgun without inflicting self-injury, can doggie paddle, and talks to animals.

LTJG/1LT
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to himself.

ENSIGN/2LT
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the Choo Choo.", wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

CPO/SNCO
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water with a single glance. He is God!

[Damocles]

Military Budgeting

The government has a "boneyard" for storing unused military aircraft. Fearing looting and theft, Congress decided to place a night watchman on the property.

After the guard had been working for awhile, an oversight committee realized the man had no instructions. So they hired two new people, one to research security procedures, the other to write them up.

Realizing that these two admin types couldn't do their job without supervision, it was decided to hire a department head and a manager.

The department head asked the oversight committee, "How are these people going to get paid and how are we going to know if they're doing their jobs correctly?" The committee immediately hired a payroll person and a compliance officer.

At the end of the year the GAO audited the department and found them to be $25,000 over budget.

So they fired the night watchman.

[Damocles]

More Air Force Jokes.

[Damocles]

Victory!

The General shouted to his aircrews, "Onward To Victory"!
About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him....... "Need Further Instructions, Victory not on b0ombing maps"!

[Damocles]

I'd Rather Have the Ticket

An Air Force Colonel was driving in the housing area one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the officer didn't know was that a security policeman was watching the intersection. The SP pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

SP: "ID Card, License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Colonel: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, *Airman*."

SP: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!"

Colonel: "Airman, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The SP pulled out his night-stick and began whacking the Colonel over the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Whomp! Bang!

SP: "Now, Sir....do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?"

[Damocles]

Following Orders

Airman Jones comes straight to his First Sergeant. He complains that his NCOIC is totally nuts and out to get him. Jones adds, "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to jump into a lake."

The First Sergeant replies "I don't think that's right, but if it ever happens, report to me directly."

Noting the thrilled expression on the airman's face, he adds... "But you jolly well be wet when you report to me

[Damocles]

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."

[Damocles]

Airman Slapping

AF NEWS SERVICE- Frustrated by lower than needed retention and recruitment levels the AF has been forced to make unprecedented concessions to members and now several Major Commands have instituted "airman-slapping" policies, allowing supervisors to slap airmen pretty much whenever they damn well please. In surveys the ability to slap their troops when frustrated is a major motivator to make a career of the Air Force

Widely hailed by supervisors as a great equalizer, the random slapping of airmen has, not surprisingly, come under fire from many lower-level members. But even some senior-level leaders have voiced complaints. .

"I, for one, don't like it a bit," said Col Joe Banks, Deputy Commander Hill AFB. "I'm a deputy commander, and I get slapped. I think there should be a ceiling somewhere, just below me, so that I don't get slapped, but I still get to slap. That, to me, would be an acceptable system."

While airmen-slapping programs are relatively new, their genesis can be found in the mid 1990s, when the changing attitudes of young recruits directly conflicted with how their supervisors viewed the world. According to Chief Bill Bob from the AFPC we had mid-career SSgts, etc separating in droves because they could not deal with these young "punk" recruits. After trying SRBs etc it was found that simply letting supervisors slap uncooperative subordinates dramatically improved morale, productivity, and retention.

Airman-slapping, proponents argue, makes up for the lost sense of balance, with many SNCOs reporting they can "feel the tension fly right off their fingertips." Some also contend the policy has reinvigorated a sense of ambition in the workforce, as climbing the promotion ladder to attain more power has been supplanted by a more intense, visceral desire to be able to slap the face of people who piss you off.

"It's simple math," explained SSgt Jim Bob, a crew chief at Cannon AFB. "Right now, in my flight, I've got six people under me. That's only six people I can slap. My boss, he has 96 people under him. I want his job."

There are, however, limits to ambition, warns General Jim Kirk, Commander ACC. "I've got 35,000 airman under me, and theoretically, I could slap every one of them, but whose got the time?" he said. "What I've learned, and this is a good lesson for prospective leader out there: delegate."

Most airman-slapping policies prohibit the slapping of anyone not full-time, however several base MEO offices have reported violations of this when leadership allowed subordinates to slap reservists and guard members until they confessed to some minor indiscretion.

One violation units have been cracking down on is what's known as the "slunch," or slap-punch. "My boss punched me once," recalled SSgt Jim Bob. "She said it was a slap, but I felt knuckle. I couldn't shave for a week." SSgt Jim Bob filed a complaint with the base MEO, and after getting slapped around a bit by the chain of command his grievance was declared valid. Now his boss can only slap him in the presence of her superiors.

Submitted by Arthur

[Damocles]

Military Jokes & Humor

NOTE: (This is rumored to be a True Story)

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But, when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

[Damocles]

Air Force Christmas Party

December 1st
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Chrismas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 2nd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 3rd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 7th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 9th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 10th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.

Happy Holidays!
Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF
Commander

[Damocles]

Air Force Enlisted Book of Knowledge

From the Air Force Enlisted's Book of Knowledge comes this passage.

In the beginning was The Plan. Then came the Assumptions. The Assumptions were without form. The Plan was completely without substance and darkness was upon the face of the airmen, and they spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of felgercarb and it stinketh".

And the airmen went unto their supervisors saying, "It is a pail of felgercarb and none may abide the odor thereof," and the supervisors went unto their Branch Chiefs saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

The Branch Chiefs then went unto the Commanders saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength." The Commanders spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

The Commanders then went to their Deputies saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

The Deputies went unto the Wing Commander and said "This new Plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of the Wing and in weak areas in particular."

The Wing Commander looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy. This is how sh*t happens, so sayeth the Enlisted Guru.

[Damocles]

Keep the Noise Down

Tower: Eagle 08, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up
here ?

Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise an F-15 makes when it hits a 727?

[Damocles]

Navigating to the Base

Two young pilots had had too many drinks in the local tavem. On their way back to the base they got lost.

Suddenly one of them stopped and said, "Hey, Joe, we'ze ina shemetery. Here's a gravestone."

"Whosh is it?" asked Joe.

The aviator lit a match, looked at the stone, and said, "Don' know hish name, but he sure wash an old man. Says hunert and twenty."

"Wow," exclaimed his buddy. "Maybe he wash Methuselah?' The aviator lit another match.

"Nope" he reported. "It was shum guy named Miles to Chatham."

[Damocles]

OERs

The following are actual lines out of Air Force Officer Efficiency Reports or OER's (performance appraisals):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
* Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* He's so dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[Senmut]

What do you call a cow playing a violin?
Fiddler on the Hoof.

[Cylon Number 13]

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef. :)

[Bootlegger 137]

For my wife...

Q. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.

[bsg1fan1975]

Heard this one in church the other day.

Man walks into the diner and orders the soup of the day. The waitress brings the soup and two pieces of bread. Man eats the soup and bread. The manager asks him how was the soup. Man replies: "it was good but you could serve more bread."

Next man walks into the diner again and orders the same meal. Manager tells the waitress to bring the man four slices of bread. Man eats the soup and bread and then the manages asks him how was the food. Man replies: "The soup was good but you could serve more bread."

Third day, man walks into the diner and again orders the soup of the day. This time the manager says to bring 6 slices of bread. Just like the past two days, the man eats the soup and bread. Manager again asks how the meal was. Man replies: "soup was great but you could serve more bread."

Fourth day comes and the man again goes to the diner. The manager tells the waitress to bring the guy a whole loaf of bread with the soup. As he had done previously, the man eats both the soup and bread. Again the manager asks how the man's meal was. Man replied that the soup was as good as always but they could serve more bread.

Next comes and the manager is desperate to please this guy and goes to the bakery and a gets a six foot loaf of bread. When the man comes in for his meal, the manager and waitress bring the soup and bread. Man eats his meal and as it had gone before when the manager asked him how the food was the man gives his stock reply. Now the manager is at his wits end over trying to please the guy so he comes up with a plan for the next day.

The following day when the man came in for his meal, the waitress brings him the soup and two slices of bread. Man eats the soup and bread and as he is leaving the manager asks him: "How was your meal?" The manager waits for the man's reply with baited breath, he is praying that the man won't be upset with the amount of bread or the manager is going to have a breakdown. Man replies: "Soup was good as always but I see your back to giving two slices of bread."

[Senmut]

How does the house pay out to winners on the Rising Star?

In Star Bucks.

[bsg1fan1975]

lol keep 'em coming. I'm going to need a bit of cheer to help me through a difficult essay for my English class

[bsg1fan1975]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison!

[bsg1fan1975]

How do ghosts like their coffee?

With scream and sugar!

[xyzw12345]

An astronaut preparing for launch was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 800,000 parts all supplied by the lowest bidder?"


This is "joke" of the day, but does anyone have a problem with 2 of them?


A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

[bsg1fan1975]

A husband is reading his morning paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

“Hey!” the man shouts, “What was that for?!”

“I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket,” the wife says, “and it had the name ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

“Jeez, honey,” the husband responds, “I can explain. Remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

The wife shrugs and walks away. Three days later, the husband is once again reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan.

“What was that for!” the husband asks.

The wife says, “Your horse called.”

[bsg1fan1975]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[ojai22]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and.....cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

:rotf:

[ojai22]

“Gonna ask my momma if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.”


“I’ve spent 2 weeks hanging out with myself and I am so sorry to every person I have ever spent time with.”


“In 8 weeks 88% of blondes will disappear from the Earth.”


“Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon at the moment?”


“It’s like being 16 again - gas is cheap and I’m grounded.”

:rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf::cry:

[bsg1fan1975]

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

[ojai22]

HEALTH TIPS FROM A 101 YEAR-OLD

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:


REPORTER: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

HATTIE: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

REPORTER: When do you drink water?

HATTIE: I've never been that sick.

[bsg1fan1975]

Lol