Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

13 Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
because he left it off the hook!

14 What does a pirate say when he takes over santa's job?
ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

15 What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!

[Damocles]

16 What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite socks? Arrrrgyle.

What does a pirate think happens at the end of time? Arrrrmageddon.

What's a pirate's favorite food? Arrrrrtichokes.

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite basketball move? Jump hook.

How do pirates make their money? By hook or by crook.

[Damocles]

Why do pirates make excellent fishermen? They know how to hook the big ones.

Where do pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners.

Did you hear about the pirate's parrot that fell in love with a duck? The bird kept saying, "Polly wants a quacker".

[Damocles]

Why couldn't the young pirate see the R-rated movie? There was no parrot-al guidance.

Why should pirates work for FedEx? They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

What's it called when a pirate's sloop runs aground? It's ship out of luck.

[Damocles]

Why don't pirates use a safe deposit box? They put their valuables in Davy Jones' Locker.

Who's the pirate's favorite actress? Diane Cannon.

Why did the pirate refuse to say, "Aye, Aye, Captain"? Because he's only got one eye.

[Damocles]

What's the pirate's favorite restaurant? Trick question because it's either Jolly Roger or Long John Silver's.

How could the pirate acquire the ship so cheaply? Because it was on sail.

Why did the pirate not learn how to bowl? He had a severe hook.

[Damocles]

Who was the pirate's favorite musician? Carlos Bandana.

Why couldn't the pirate stop thinking about sailing? He had ship for brains.

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

[Damocles]

What was Bluebeard's wife's name? Peg.

How do pirates eat on their ships? Slurp soup on the sloop.

How does a pirate greet a yoyo? Yo Ho.

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite companion? Someone who parrots.

What exercise is hard for Blackbeard? Pirate Pilates.

[Damocles]

When boxing, what's a pirate's favorite punch? Left hook.

What's a pirate's least favorite animal? Termites.

If Blackbeard played sports who would he play for? Either the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Pittsburg Pirates.

[Damocles]

How does a pirate, wearing a patch, say "yes" to the leader? Eye Eye, Captain.

What do you have to watch for when sitting down on a wooden toilet seat? Long john slivers.

What does a pirate put on toast? Jelly Roger.

[Damocles]

What's it called when a pirate seeks treasure? Hide and rob..

What's a pirate's favorite movie? Booty and the Beast.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean

[Damocles]

Where do pirates buy their sketch pads? Arrrrrrrt Supply Store.

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Which pirate ship has a gate? Frigate.

[Damocles]

How does a pirate tell his matey to get out of the toilet and secure everything for an upcoming storm? Button up the britches and batten down the hatches!

What is a buccaneer? Pretty high price to pay for corn.

Where does a pirate store his workout clothes? Davy Jone's Locker.

[Damocles]

What's Bluebeard's favorite song? Doubloon Moon.

What kind of look does a pirate give right before walking off the ship? Plank stare.

How does a pirate tell his matey he'll watch for him? I'll keep an eye out for you.

[Damocles]

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

[Damocles]

A man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."

" I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".

" Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday . That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."

[Damocles]

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[Damocles]

You know ye are a pirate when...

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.

...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I´ll burn yer tent!

...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "who knows, maybe some day we go to Pennsic".

...you are not very interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche and suicide fencing" and you dont really understand that crap bout "chivalry" either.

...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".

...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.

...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.

...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass.

...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.

[Damocles]

THE PARACHUTE

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner ..." Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[Damocles]

Fooled you!

[Damocles]

CHIVALRY

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

[Damocles]

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

[Damocles]

RIGHT FOR THE JOB

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

[Damocles]

What do pirates use to defend themselves?
Arrrrrmor!

[Damocles]

Q: Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A: Because they practice … Arrrgghonomics.

[Damocles]

AHOY! - “Hello!”
ARRGH! - Part of speech: exclamation. 1. A pirates’ favorite word. It can be used for anything, GOOD or BAD! Examples: “Arrgh! What a lovely day!” Or,
“I don’t like that! Arrgh!” (Don’t pronounce the gh, which is silent).
Sometimes spelled “Arr!”
AVAST! - “Attention, please!” Example: “Avast, ye scurvy scallywags!” = “Stop
what you’re doing and listen up, you dirty pirates!”

[Damocles]

AYE! - Yes!
AYE, AYE! - Yes, yes!
BELAY! - Stop that! Example: “Belay that talk!” = “Quiet now!” Or, “Belay the
Swabbin’!” = “Stop cleaning up!” (The second example would be words
not often heard by a pirate’s Mom or Dad!)

[Damocles]

BUCCANEER - Pirates of the West Indies. Best known for their special way of
barbequing meat.
CAPTAIN - Pronounced “Cap’n” The person in charge of everything on a ship.
CHEST - A traditional type of treasure container. In modern days, pirates can use any type of container.

[Damocles]

CROWS’ NEST - A small platform at or near the top of the mast. The lookout climbs up high to get a better view when looking for land or the flags and
sails of another ship.
FIRST MATE - The next in command beneath the Captain. The First Mate runs
The ship if the Captain is not available.
GOBBLE - (verb) To eat in a fast, rude and noisy manner.

[Damocles]

GROG - A pirate’s drink. Pirates used to put rum and lime juice in their wooden
barrels of water to keep green algae from ruining their water supply.
In modern times, any beverage can be called “grog”.
GRUB - Food of any kind. “Come ye pirates! It be time for grub!, Arrrr.”
GUITAR - A musical instrument with strings invented by the Spanish.

[Damocles]

HAR! - 1. A pirate’s laugh. 2. The stuff on top of a pirate’s head.
HEAD - 1. The toilet on a modern sailing vessel. 2. The toilet on an old pirate ship?
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

[Damocles]

HEAVE! - To pull towards you. Examples: 1. Pulling in rope lines from the sea.
2. When rowing a boat, pulling the oars towards your body.
HO! - To push something away from you.
HOIST THE SAIL! - To pull the ropes and raise the sail.
JOLLY ROGER - A pirate flag with a skull and crossbones. Usually black, but
sometimes red.

[Damocles]

LANDLUBBER - Pirate talk for land lover. A landlubber is a person who does not
have the constitution to live aboard a ship. One who can not
walk on a ship as it rocks back and forth as it rocks back and
forth as it rocks back and forth with the waves.
LOG - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures.
Don’t forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!
LOOT - Treasure of any kind! Also called: SWAG, BOOTY, BOUNTY and MINE!
“Treasure! Arrgh!”

[Damocles]

MANNERS - Pirates are generally not aware of this concept!
MAST - The long pole extending up through the middle of the ship that holds the sails and flags.
MATES - Friends. “Ahoy, mates!” = “Hello, friends!”

[Damocles]

MEMOIR - The story of your life, written by you.
PIRATE - A person who sails a ship (often stolen), sings pirate songs, hunts for treasure (usually stolen), and only takes a bath once every four months.
SCALLYWAGS - Pirates who love mischief.

[Damocles]

SEA SHANTEY - A song sung by sailors to the rhythm of their work. Singing made their work seem faster and easier. Try it next time you clean your room. Yell, “HEAVE!” when you throw something in the garbage. Yell, “HO!”
when you pick something up! Sometimes spelled “sea chantey”.
SMARTLY - Quickly. “Smartly there, pirates!” = “Hurry up, pirates!”

[Damocles]

SWAB - 1. (noun) A mop made by tying several pieces of rope to a stick.
2. (verb) The act of mopping or any kind of cleaning.
“Avast! Mom! Dad! Be hearty! I be swabbin’ me room!” =
“Listen up! Mom! Dad! Don’t faint! I’m cleaning my room!”
SWASHBUCKLER - A well-dressed, dashingly handsome pirate.
TO BOOT - Also. Example: “I’ll have the burger and fries, to boot!”
= “Ill have the burger and also the fries!”

[Damocles]

TREASURE MAP - A map that leads to the treasure. Arrgh! Don’t forget
your shovel in case it’s “buried treasure”! Arrgh!! Arrgh!!
TRICORN HAT - A hat with three corners. TRI = three CORN = corners HAT = hat
WALK THE PLANK - A pirates’ punishment. , The pirate would walk on a board that that extended out of the ship and over the sea. What happened next?
Anybodys’ guess!
X MARKS THE SPOT! - An X on a treasure map shows where the treasure is hidden or buried. What is a pirate whose map has an X? A very lucky pirate!!

[Damocles]

Addled Mad, insane, or just stupid. An "addlepate" is a fool.
Aft Short for "after." Toward the rear of the ship.
Ahoy Hello!
Avast! Hey! Could also be used as "Stop that!" or "Who goes there?"

[Damocles]

Begad! By God!
Belay Stop that. "Belay that talk!" would mean "Shut up!"
Bilge! Nonsense, or foolish talk. The bilges of a ship are the lowest parts, inside the hull along the keel. They fill with stinking bilgewater—or just "bilge."

[Damocles]

Bilge-sucking A very uncomplimentary adjective.
Black Spot To "place the Black Spot" on another pirate is to sentence him to death, to warn him he is marked for death, or sometimes just to accuse him of a serious crime before other pirates.
Blaggard Blackguard. An insult.

[Damocles]

Blimey! An exclamation of surprise.
Booty Loot.
Bosun Boatswain, a petty officer.

[Damocles]

Bucko Familiar term. "Me bucko" = "my friend."
Cap'n Short for "captain."
Cat o'nine tails A whip with many lashes, used for flogging. "A taste of the cat" might refer to a full flogging, or just a single blow to "smarten up" a recalcitrant hand.

[Damocles]

Chantey A sailor's work song. Also spelled "shantey" or "shanty."
Corsair A more romantic term for pirate. But still a pirate.
Davy Jones' locker The bottom of the sea.

[Damocles]

Deadlights Eyes. "Use yer deadlights, matey!"
Dead men tell no tales Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.
Dog A mild insult, perhaps even a friendly one.

[Damocles]

Doubloon A Spanish gold coin. At different times, it was worth either 4 or 16 silver pesos, or "pieces of eight."
Fair winds! Goodbye, good luck!
Feed the fish What you do when you are thrown into the sea, dead or alive.

[Damocles]

Gangway! "Get out of my way!"
Godspeed! Goodbye, good luck!
Grub Food.

[Damocles]

Fore, or forrard Toward the front end of the ship.
Flogging Punishment by caning, or by whipping with the cat.
Hands The crew of a ship; sailors.

[Damocles]

Handsomely Quickly. "Handsomely now, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Jack Ketch The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.
Jollyboat A small but happy craft, perhaps even one which is a little dinghy.

[Damocles]

Jolly Roger The pirates' skull-and-crossbones flag. It was an invitation to surrender, with the implication that those who surrendered would be treated well. A red flag indicated "no quarter."
Keelhaul Punishment by dragging under the ship, from one side to the other. The victim of a keelhauling would be half-drowned, or worse, and lacerated by the barnacles that grew beneath the ship.

[Damocles]

Kiss the gunner's daughter A punishment: to be bent over one of the ship's guns and flogged.
Lad, lass, lassie A way to address someone younger than you.
Landlubber or just lubber A non-sailor.

[Damocles]

Lights Lungs. A pirate might threaten to "have someone's lights and liver."
Line A rope in use as part of the ship's rigging, or as a towing line. When a rope is just coiled up on deck, not yet being used for anything, it's all right to call it a rope.
Lookout Someone posted to keep watch on the horizon for other ships or signs of land.

[Damocles]

Maroon A common punishment for violation of a pirate ship's articles, or offending her crew. The victim was left on a deserted coast (or, island) with few supplies. That way, no one could say that the unlucky pirate had actually been killed by his former brethren.
Me A piratical way to say "my."
Me hearties Typical way for a pirate leader to address his crew.
Matey A piratical way to address someone in a cheerful, if not necessarily friendly, fashion.

[Damocles]

No quarter! Surrender will not be accepted.
Piece of eight A Spanish silver coin worth one peso or 8 reales. It was sometimes literally cut into eight pieces, each worth one real.
Pillage To raid, rob, and sack a target ashore.

[Damocles]

Pirate A seagoing robber and murderer. Contrast with privateer.
Poop deck The highest deck at the aft end of a large ship. Smaller ships don't have a poop; the highest part aft is the quarterdeck.
Poxy, poxed Diseased. Used as an insult.

[Damocles]

Rope's end Another term for flogging. "Ye'll meet the rope's end for that, me bucko!"
Rum (noun) Traditional pirate drink.
Rum (adjective) Strange or odd. A "rum fellow" is a peculiar person, the sort who won't say "Arrrr!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day.

[Damocles]

Sail ho! "I see a ship!" The sail, of course, is the first part of a ship visible over the horizon.
Salt, old salt An experienced seaman.
Scurvy (1) A deficiency disease caused by lack of vitamin C, often afflicting sailors;
(2) A derogatory adjective for an epithet, as in "Ye scurvy dogs!"

[Damocles]

Sea dog An experienced seaman.
Shanty Another spelling for "chantey" - a sea song.
Shark bait (1) Your foes, who are about to feed the fish (q.v.).
(2) A worthless or lazy sailor; a lubber who is no use aboard ship.

[Damocles]

Shiver me timbers! An expression of surprise or strong emotion.
Sink me! An expression of surprise.
Smartly Quickly. "Smartly there, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Splice the mainbrace To have a drink. Or, perhaps, several drinks.

[Damocles]

Spyglass A telescope.
Starboard The right side of the ship when you are facing toward her prow.
Sutler A merchant in port, selling what a ship needed for supplies and repairs.

[Damocles]

Swab (noun) A disrespectful term for a seaman. "Man that gun, ye cowardly swabs!"
Swab (verb) To clean something. "Swabbing the decks" would be a mild penalty for a disobedient pirate.
Swag Loot.

[Damocles]

Wench An individual of the female persuasion. "Saucy" is a good adjective to add to this, and if ye can get away with "Me proud beauty,” more power to ye!
Yo-ho-ho A very piratical thing to say, whether it actually means anything or not.

[Damocles]

pirate- To make an attempt, or to complete an attack on a ship. A thief of the seas, or oceans. Violence used to steal (by force) the property of another vessel in order to steal gold/treasure.

privateer- An armed vessel sailing under the commission of a sovereign power against the enemy.

buccaneer- A piratical adventurer of the sea. A person who plunders at the sea, or land from the sea.

[Damocles]

mariner- One whose responsibility it is to help in navigating a vessel.

merchant ship- A ship that is involved in trade/commerce. A cargo ship.

galleon- A large square masted vessel of the 1500's used for war, or commerce.

[Damocles]

booty- Goods obtained illegally. Spoils obtained as a result of war or battle.

bounty- Reward or payment, usually from a government, for the capture of a criminal.

loot- Gold, money, or other goods obtained illegally

[Damocles]

plunder- The act of pillaging or robbery.

cutlass- A short, heavy, single edged sword, once used predominantly by sailors.

mutiny- To rise against authority, particularly a naval or military power.

maroon-to isolate. Sailors would leave mutinous shipmates on deserted islands, without any means of survival.

jolly roger- Typically a black flag bearing drawn white bones; indicates a pirate ship

[Damocles]

GOLFING PARROT

A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.

"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.

"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.

The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.

"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.

"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.

"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

[Damocles]

GUARD PARROT

A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

[Damocles]

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Chirpes: A canarial disease...no tweetment.

[Damocles]

MAMA'S GIFTS

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Damocles]

POLITICAL PARROT

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

[Damocles]

GOING, GOING, GONE!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[Damocles]

BRUTUS

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

[Damocles]

COURTEOUS PARROT

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

[Damocles]

CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

[Damocles]

SPEEDING DRUNK

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Damocles]

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

[Damocles]

GOOD CANARY SINGER

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

[Damocles]

PET SHOP PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

[Damocles]

THE AIRLINES

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

[Damocles]

EXPENSIVE PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

[Damocles]

SPIRITUAL (?) PARROT

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"

[Damocles]

FRIGID PARROT

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

[Damocles]

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

[Damocles]

Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

[Damocles]

Mean Parrot
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[Damocles]

Rude Parrot
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude.

Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions."

"I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions."

"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Damocles]

Jungle Belles
"Rubbing on my perch,"
"Is no way to procreate,"
"I want a willing hen,"
"Please be here by eight!"
"My hormones are inflamed,"
"The nest box is all right,"
"Come sing a bawdy birdy song,"
"And boink with me tonight!"
"Ohhh, Jungle Belles, Jungle Belles,"
"Let's go all the way,"
"Do the Dance of Joy with me"
"And lay some eggs today, HEY!"

[Damocles]

Quiet Parrot
A lady desiring companionship bought a parrot from a local pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she asked for a guarantee that it would talk and was assured that it would.

She took the parrot home. Then, a week and a half later, she returned to the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned yet again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing." So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

[Damocles]

I'm Dreaming Of A Bright Christmas
"I'm dreaming of a bright Christmas."
"Full spectrum lighting all aglow."
"Psittacines do need this,"
"For vitamin-D synthesis,"
"Birds need more photons, don't you know."

[Damocles]

Costly Parrot
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[Damocles]

Smart Parrot
A guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

[Damocles]

:On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.

:On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.

:On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot.

:On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot.

:On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them.

:On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke.

:On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...

[Damocles]

Christmas jokes.


Oh Christmas Tree
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"
"Your branches are inviting me."
"I'll climb real high, above the room."
"I'll dominate, and then I'll zoom."
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"
"Your needles really tickle me!"

[Damocles]

Away In A Nest Box
"Away in a nest box,"
"Pine chips for a bed,"
"A little lone Ringneck,"
"Lays down his sweet head."
"A mouse from the meadow,"
"Tried to join in this space,"
"But Mom and Dad Ringneck"
"Just chewed off his face."

[Damocles]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!" She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[Damocles]

Up On The Cage Top
"Up on the cage top,"
"Food I seek,"
"Thrown there by a mad Caique."
"Bits of spaghetti,"
"Pretty Bird, too,"
"And a lump of greenish goo."

[Damocles]

Pepper Claws Is Coming To Town
"He's charging my hand,"
"He's biting it twice!"
"Kodiak says: 'Aww, that's not nice!'"
"Pepper Claws is coming to town."
"He's always on a diet."
"He's grumpy, that's a fact."
"But he's been known to sing a song,"
"While swinging in a sack!"

[Damocles]

Subject: Parrot.
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

[Damocles]

Brawwwk The Hungry Parrots Sing
"Brawwwk the hungry parrots sing,"
"Here's our list of treats to bring."
"Chunks of fruit and vegetables nigh,"
"And a piece of pizza pie."

[Damocles]

Subject: Cruise Parrot.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[Damocles]

Oh Come All Ye Hybrids
"Oh come all ye hybrids,"
"Ye mixtures and ye crossbreeds."
"Oh come ye, oh come ye,"
"Chaotic DNA"

[Damocles]

Subject: Christmas Parrot.
A woman visited her pet shop to buy a rare Christmas parrot.
The pet shop owner explained that the strings attached to it's legs were to signal it to sing.
By pulling on the left string, the parrot sang Jingle Bells.
By pulling on the right string, the parrot sang White Christmas.
The woman asked "what would happen if I pulled both strings at once?"
The parrot replied "I'd fall of my perch!"

[Damocles]

Subject: Entertaining Parrot.
A man went into a pub and said to the landlord "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots"
"Oh yes" says the landlord "how are you going to do that?"
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
"That's amazing" says the landlord "have you got anything else?"
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar.
The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the pub is amazed and stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.
The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks.
The man shook his head. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the landlord.
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for 50 pounds" the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only fifty pounds"
"No I'm not" the man replied "the hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

[Damocles]

Subject: Another Parrot Joke.
A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently as he could when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".
He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.
A minute went by and he heard nothing, so he started to move again. "Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.
His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage in the corner containing a parrot.
"Was that you talking bird?"
The parrot said "yes"
"What's your name little bird?"
"Clarence", the parrot said.
"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.
The parrot said, "The same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!

[Damocles]

Subject: Sassy Parrot.
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Damocles]

Subject: Cheap Parrot.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

[Damocles]

Top Ten Lists?

[Damocles]

How about an aardvark joke?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.

[Damocles]

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog

1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.

2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.

3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you

4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.

5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.

6. Kermit is your idol.

7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.

8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times

9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium.

10. France is the evil empire to you

[Damocles]

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.

7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

5) Your idea of romance is handholding.

4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in...babysitting?"

And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

[Damocles]

op Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

[Damocles]

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.

7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

5. Interesting aromas.

4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.

1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse

10. If it's wet make it dry.
9. If it's dry make it wet.

8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.

7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.

6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".

5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".

4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.

3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.

2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.

1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place: tape it.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We'd Like to See at the Nurse's Station

10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.

8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!

6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.

5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.

3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Most Commonly Used Nursing Phrases

10. "No, really, I don't mind changing the TV channel for you.again."
9. "I'm sorry, it's not THAT kind of Tylenol."

8. "You won't feel a thing."

7. "Because your doctor said so."

6. "This won't hurt a bit."

5. "I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time."

4. "No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly able to do for themselves)!"

3. "Your gonna feel a little stick."

2. "How can I help you?" (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)

1. "Doctor, I'm sorry to wake you, but." (this one is okay by us)

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs That It's Going to be a Bad Shift

10. The previous shift tells you, "Things have been quiet."

9. You walk onto the floor and someone from the previous shift says, "Is it that time already?"

8. You run into the pharmacist at the elevator, he hands you a case of Prozac and says, "Here, this is for your floor."

7. Your phone rings 4 hours before your shift and they beg you to come in early.

6. After giving report, the nurse yells from the elevator, "Oh, by the way, they're 'pleasantly confused'."

5. While driving to work, every radio station is playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door".

4. As soon as you walk in, someone hands you scrubs and says, "Here, you'd better put these on."

3. You come in and find one of the previous shift nurses openly weeping at the nurse's station.

2. The nurse about to give you report looks up from her notes and asks, "How many R's in diarrhea?"

1. There's no fresh coffee in the break room.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons To Work An Overtime Shift On The Weekend

10. Think of all the weight you'll lose from not getting to eat because of short staffing.

9. Think of the closeness you'll develop with you're co-workers after being knee-deep in Code 10's/Blues and Code "Browns".

8. Everyone is so frazzled, so next to them you look fabulous!

7. Think of what a challenge it will be to your nursing skills to run a Code without a Crash Cart because they are all down in Central being replaced.

6. The joy of having the previous shift's charge nurse tell you, " I don't understand why no one would return my calls to work today/tonight. Oh, and by the way, you are short two nurses and a CNA for this shift with a full house of patients sick as dog dirt."

5. Because you're a new grad and you want to be a "TEAM PLAYER" like your head nurse told you to be. (That and you have "sucker" stamped on your forehead!)

4. When you go home with your back aching from not having any nursing assistants who work weekends and your feet aching from running your butt off for "emergency procedures" (like the gas pain your patient has had for a week that is suddenly unbearable) you'll know that you really ARE a caregiver.

3. Think of all the computer skills you'll gain from putting in your own orders and ordering supplies from Central. (That can go on your resume' as...."Know how to operate multiple outdated computer models.")

2. You don't have time to adequately chart so you may get to learn how our judicial system works. On the bright side, your handwriting will be so bad that it can say whatever you want it to say!

1. Think of what a GREAT "Learning Experience" this will be. Translation: You just got shafted!!

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.

9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.

8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.

7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.

6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.

5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.

4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.

3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.

2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

[Damocles]

TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

[Damocles]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

[Damocles]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

[Damocles]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

[Damocles]

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

[Damocles]

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...

10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your rear in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from whatever.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

7. Insist on frisking all guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

5. Pour soda in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

3. Offer your "opinion" to all guests.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

1. Insist on a hands-free environment.

[Damocles]

10 Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

9 The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

8 A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"

7 A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:

Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

5 Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

4 A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

3 A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

2 A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

1 A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Damocles]

Signs Your Cat May Be Trying To Kill You

1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. He actually *does* have your tongue.
3. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
5. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
9. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
10. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
11. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
12. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
14. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
15. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

[Damocles]

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

[Damocles]

Top ten things that men understand about women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[Damocles]

Top 35 Oxymorons

1. Government Worker
2. Legally drunk
3. Exact estimate
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Resident alien
7. Genuine imitation
8. Airline Food
9. Good grief
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Small crowd
14. Business ethics
15. Soft rock
16. Butt Head
17. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
19. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
20. "Now, then ..."
21. Passive aggression
22. Clearly misunderstood
23. Peace force
24. Extinct Life
25. Plastic glasses
26. Terribly pleased
27. Computer security
28. Political science
29. Tight slacks
30. Definite maybe
31. Pretty ugly
32. Rap music
33. Working vacation
34. Religious tolerance
35. Microsoft Works

[Damocles]

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If...

1. Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
2. You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
3. Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
4. You wire your network with jumper cables.
5. Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
6. You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
7. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
8. Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
9. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
10. Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
11. Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
12. You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
13. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
14. Your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
15. When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
16. Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
17. You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

[Damocles]

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, standing up is more difficult than from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake. We aren't deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us alone when we look. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't light the fuse if you don't want the explosion.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like "I love you!".

[Damocles]

THINGS TO PONDER OVER

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Damocles]

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[Damocles]

Animals Have The Darndest Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW
whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimp-knight never comes out of the castle to fight
me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue
patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my jewels?!?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

[Damocles]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE REDNECK IF...

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
"Cool Whip" on the side..

2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...

3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...

4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...

5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. If you think a quarter horse is the ride in front of K-Mart...

7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home..

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $1000,000 worth of
improvement...

9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher..

10. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

11. if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...

12. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and
you take them out to see...

[Damocles]

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN

This is a list of how to talk about Men and be Politically Correct:

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

[Damocles]

STATE SLOGANS

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

[Damocles]

30 WAYS TO SAY NO

I'd love to, but...

1: I have to floss my cat.
2: I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3: I want to spend more time with my blender.
4: The President said he might drop in.
5: The man on television told me to stay tuned.
6: I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8: It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9: It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10: I'm building a pig from a kit.
11: I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12: I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13: There's a disturbance in the Force.
14: I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15: I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17: I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18: I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19: I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20: My crayons all melted together.
21: I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22: I'm in training to be a household pest.
23: I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24: My patent is pending.
25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26: I'm sandblasting my oven.
27: I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28: I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29: I'm being deported.
30: The grunion are running.

[Damocles]

KIDS THINGS

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX . (poor woman)

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house
4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight
when dizzy

[Damocles]

BOYS AND GIRLS

Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are
created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it
will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll
look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour
later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow
find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're
driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what
nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a
gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress
them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken
dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs
got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves
in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start
painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy
to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they
look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early
age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the
age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes
them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they
learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you
turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons You've Got It Easy In Jail

1. Every night there's a mint on your pillow.
2. Bars of your cell are rusty from Jacuzzi-steam.
3. Guards meet with you to help plan your escape.
4. They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals. In the resulting riot, ten died.
5. You share a cell with one of Heidi Fleiss' girls.
6. You get frequent flier miles for good behavior.
7. You have a summer cell in the Hamptons.
8. Every day around 4:00 -- pony rides!
9. Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville."
10. You call the warden "daddy."

[Damocles]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock
broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Damocles]

DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done
and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn
fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To error is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

And lastly, 'responsible management' and "hands-on management' are both
oxymorons.

[Damocles]

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM !

[Damocles]

Jokes To Play on Fellow Astronauts Aboard The International Space Station

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear
battle and everyone is now dead.

Look out the window any scream "We're being boarded!!"

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell
"That's for Pearl Harbour!!..."

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then
exclaim that "they were asking for it with all their late-night
cooking smells"

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien
planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from being cocooned!

Lock someone outside and tell him you won't let them in until he guesses
the right number between 1-million. Then tell him you were only kidding
and testing his resilience under pressure, and let him in just before his
air runs out.

Dump a bottle of Vodka in the Russian's space suit, smash him over the
head with his space hat, and as he reels about, point at him and exclaim
to everyone: "Hey, look at Euvonnamokinov, he's drunk in space! Lock him
in the ejection pod till we return!"

Instead of bringing your experiments on board, smuggle in a horse!

When docking the shuttle, start beating the Viking war drum you hid by the
controls and yell "RAMMING SPEED"

[Damocles]

NEW FLORIDA STATE SLOGANS

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one
of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts...

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, no wait...10 miles.

[Damocles]

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to
detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the
movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[Damocles]

TWENTY RESPONSES TO USE WITH TELEMARKETERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . .. "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work
there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many
kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun
if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends,
would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they
can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if
he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out
their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . .
.. louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word
down.

[Damocles]

Name Your Child According To Your Profession

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

[Damocles]

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM BAD 80'S MOVIES

Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and slacks.
Dumb people wear football uniforms.

Everyone in high school was having sex except you and the class
valedictorian.

Your dog is way smarter than you.

France is populated entirely by attractive young women and Gerard Depardieu.

Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey."

Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.

Parents always come back from vacation a day early.

There are no ugly prostitutes.

It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last three seconds of
the game.

Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.

The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong side of the
road.

A student who's failing every class can still rig up an elaborate device to
to answer his phone when he calls in sick.

[Damocles]

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. The monitor is up on blocks

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

3. The six front keys have rotted out

4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they
were just dipped in gasoline

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six

6. The password is "Bubba"

7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU

8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage

10. The mouse is referred to as the "critter"

[Damocles]

ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS

REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right-of-way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back some beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Don't remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

REDNECK PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours
of time. NOTE: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method.

REDNECK DINING OUT

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

REDNECK ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.

REDNECK DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

REDNECK THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.

REDNECK WEDDING ETIQUETTE

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It's not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but also a
proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Also, though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

REDNECK ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview, and don't ask if they press
charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say, "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.

Always provide an alibi for family members to the police.

[Damocles]

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

[Damocles]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA

1.

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2.

You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6.

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10.

A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11.

Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
14.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16.

It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".
17.

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
18.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20.

You AND your dog have therapists.

[Damocles]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM ARIZONA IF:

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of
sand and l00 paper bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after
October but clear out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El"
or "Los".

7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that
you can't remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing
funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in
the Rillito.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be
over l00 degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the
hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo",
"Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon
Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of
your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in
terms of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy
days.

40. If you haven't worked for Raytheon at some time, you must be a
newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight
savings time.

[Damocles]

MOTHERS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE

The following are some little known quotes from the mothers of famous
people in history:

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I
would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money
across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been
for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

[Damocles]

HOW COLD IS IT?

+60 Californians put on sweaters.

+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 Italian cars don't start.

+32 Water freezes.

+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.

+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

[Damocles]

Training Courses Now Available For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill store
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It .

[Damocles]

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX - I am sterile

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville - I am a schmuck

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the heck out of people

Chevrolet Chevette - I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall

Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a flip about J.D. Power or his reports

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year

Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either

Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch

Porsche 944 - l am dating women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Isuzu

Toyota Camry - I am still in

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of it

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now

[Damocles]

TEN WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over
and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly)
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'
all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust
pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give
up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[Damocles]

WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these ..

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs
you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you
can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf
game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content
to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that you actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that you studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be
the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person
that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as
everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to
sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible
to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly
with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job ... Thus the
term "GO POSTAL"

[Damocles]

NEW DOG BREEDS

The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club:

Collie & Lhasa Apso
Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz & Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer & Setter
Pointsetter: A traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees & Dachshund
Pyradachs: A puzzling breed

Pekinese & Lhasa Apso
Peekaso: An abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel & English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever & Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists

Newfoundland & Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors

Terrier & Bulldog
Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound & Labrador
Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly

Malamute & Pointer
Moot Point: A dog owned by ....oh, well, it doesn't matter

Collie & Malamute
Commute: A dog that travels to work

Deerhound & Terrier
Derriere: A dog that is true to the end

Bull Terrier & Shitzu
Bu....Oh, never mind.

[Damocles]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

17. "I finished the Oreos"

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"

12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. '

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

... and finally ...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger....."

[Damocles]

FUNNY DEFINITIONS

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people

CHICKENS
The only creatures you eat before they
are born and after they are dead

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP
A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES
Something other people have
You have character lines

[Damocles]

Here are some simple guidelines for helping you determine where a driver comes from:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

[Damocles]

LETTERS TO WELFARE DEPARTMENTS

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

[Damocles]

TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

16) That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

15) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

14) That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

13) PH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

12) Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

11) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

10) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

9) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

8) Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

7) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

6) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

5) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

4) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.

3) Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

2) You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

[Damocles]

1. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
2. BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
3. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
4. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
5. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
6. WOMEN I HAVEN'T SEXUALLY HARASSED - by Bill Clinton
7. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
9. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
10. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
12. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
14. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
15. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
16. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
17. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
18. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
19. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
20. THE WORLD'S MOST TALENTED RAP MUSICIANS
21. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

[Damocles]

TO EXCERCISE OR NOT TO EXCERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog,
you add one minuteto your life. This enables you, at
age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she
was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with
a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice
jump right out of my glass.

[Damocles]

ACTUAL STATEMENTS FROM INSURANCE CLAIMS

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest
possible words. Some of these are VERY old, in fact I remember my Mother
(who used to work for an insurance company) showing me some of these about
20 years ago. I haven't seen them for a long time, so maybe they will be
new to you or at least raise a laugh (which is our hope). Enjoy:

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

[Damocles]

QUESTIONS ASKED OF THE SYDNEY OLYMPIC COMMITTEE

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic
Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate:

Q: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true an if so,
can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
A: (Sure, there's only 8 million of them)

Q: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue?
(Germany)
A: (More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: (Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

Q: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction
should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving
with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.)

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: (And accomplish what?)

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: (No, and we use shells for money too)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
A: (???)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: (No. Everybody stinks.)

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most
national parks...)

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: (Yes. At Christmas.)

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: (A blonde?)

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: (Face North and you should be about right)

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: (Another blonde?)

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? Italy)
A: (Yes. Outdoors.)

[Damocles]

How To Know Whether You Are Ready To Have Kids Or Not

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound intelligent.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs
4. If there's a war you can say I told you so.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night foreign films on Channel 4
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still be a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
9. You don't have to bother with manners
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN:

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be a president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to be really clueless
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes and nobody cares
9. You get to call everyone you've never met 'buddy'
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
10a. When you are
10b. And prove it every day

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat gracioulsy in major sporting events
5. Union Jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need it or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being French
10a. Or German

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN:

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious history
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political instability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours talking
10. Make great Spagheti Westerns

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH

1. Glorious history
2. The rest of Europe think Africa begins in the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by fleas
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of proving couurage is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat the loser
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN:

1. Chicken Madras & Cobra Lager
2. Lamb Passanda & Cobra Lager
3. Onion Bhaji & Cobra Lager
4. Chicken Tikka Massala & Cobra Lager
5. Rogan Josh & Cobra Lager
6. Bombay Potato & Cobra Lager
7. Popadoms & Cobra Lager
8. Chicken Dopiaz & Cobra Lager
9. Meat Boona & Cobra Lager
10. Kingfisher Lager

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:

1. Guinness
2. Kennedys
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Poetry.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of poetry

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN:

1. It beats being American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering guy that no civilised nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitudes
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

[Damocles]

It's Good To Be A Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's concern if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your oyster.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at you when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "Notice anything
different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you to something, he can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 38 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can
quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be
mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big fat hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

[Damocles]

The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[Damocles]

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

[Damocles]

DOGGED OUT

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing
his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied
outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of
the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering
little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just
killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a 4-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Damocles]

NURSING HOME

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he
asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I
go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."

[Damocles]

BORDER PATROL

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by
the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law,
you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for
him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a
sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm,
Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez
Yellow?"

[Damocles]

MESSAGE FROM OUTER SPACE

ALIENS CONTACT NASA: "QUIT SENDING US YOUR STUPID JUNK"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - History was changed forever yesterday when
NASA received a transmission from an alien species. The brief
message, addressed to "abuse@NASA.gov," read simply:

Humans --

Please discontinue sending stupid unsolicited transmissions
and debris to us. We have received several metallic craft
bearing objects, crude drawings, and disks which play noises
when scratched with crystal-tipped needles. We don't know
who "Bach" is, but tell him for us that he should consider
another profession. Honestly, we receive thousands of
unsolicited transmissions and craft from societies such as
yourself to the point where they become a great nuisance,
so discontinue this practice immediately or we will be forced
to report you to your information provider or, more simply,
blow up your stupid planet and all your stupid life-forms.
Send your junk to the Gezor -- they have all the class and
intelligence of stewed clazin.

Regards,
Elinzoa Glppaducc
Information Processing Coordinator
The Shati-Makal

NASA immediately cancelled plans to send up a time capsule
containing a CD of the Ricky Martin hit, "Livin' La Vida Loca",
and a VHS copy of "Friends."

[Damocles]

NEW KIND OF CAR

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever
happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car."
his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a
Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."

[Damocles]

REFRIGERATOR

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the
table for dinner.

I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque
picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young
woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained
20!"

[Damocles]

Batchelor Cookbook

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

[Damocles]

THE ENVELOPES

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his
new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me
first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and
is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing."

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to
its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and
opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for
everything."

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job
is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new
envelopes."

[Damocles]

The Watch

Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

[Damocles]

FIRST WEDDING

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

[Damocles]

EDUCATED DOG

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out
of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around
with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, no; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Damocles]

GET RICH SCHEME

Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

[Damocles]

THE EXCUSE

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because
after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."

[Damocles]

FANQUEVALLEMUD

New word for the day - "Fanquevallemud"

Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the
following conversation...Read aloud for best results.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a hotel in Asia.....

Room Service(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
Guest(G): "Yes......"

RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G): "What??"

(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G): "Crisp will be fine."

(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G): "What?"

(RS): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C'
means."

(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"

(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be
fine."

(RS): "Copy?"
(G): "Sorry?"

(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits P bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..
wite??"
(G): "Well....Whatever you say"

(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G): "You're welcome"

[Damocles]

THE LETTER FROM DAD

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your mother out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love
Dad

[Damocles]

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Damocles]

CHRISTMAS AT TOMMY'S

Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.

Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends
and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the
conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can
keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.

He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he
chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a
mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.

Tommy grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the
uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the
twenty.

Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy
chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but
doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Tommy.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.

Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the
first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game
fifteen more times?"

[Damocles]

THE CENSUS TAKER

Five and half year-old Jennie answered the door when the census taker came
by.

She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home
because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little
girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Oh, Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks straight up. Of course, that
doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

[Damocles]

Adopted Children

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Damocles]

THE LIVESTOCK SALE

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for
selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the
houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.

When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were
outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am," replied the man.

"Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said.
"Which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."

"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.

The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken."

[Damocles]

CANNIBALS

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and
get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a
path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son
said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

[Damocles]

AUTO ACCIDENTS

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[Damocles]

WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English,
of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better
model.

Which gender is yours?

[Damocles]

THE CONSTRUCTION SITE

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"

[Damocles]

BEVERLEY HILLS SHOPPING

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah,
sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by
on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave.

On Monday, Sam returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There
wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"

[Damocles]

THE YETI

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the
Himalayas.

Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less
frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the
mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large
manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed
them, "One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under
any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the
slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the
dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent
entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous
eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the
explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti
in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let
out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the
slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could
take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see
the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the
mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.
After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft
'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to
see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of
miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and
pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The
journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after
his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking
transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he
saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at
great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly
bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to
Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the
next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London
home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He
had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window
when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running
down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti
had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any
means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti,
but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before
the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from
there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run
but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end
the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally
stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the
last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up
with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who
could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked
the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and
with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag!"

[Damocles]

MISSING HUSBAND

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement
to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?
Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to
prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

[Damocles]

HONEY MY LOVE

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about ten years ago."

[Damocles]

Small Town Pullover

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom"

[Damocles]

Easy To Operate On

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable."

[Damocles]

The Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

[Damocles]

Drunk In A Hotel

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[Damocles]

THE UGLIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[Damocles]

LAWYER vs DOCTOR

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"

Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."

[Damocles]

TECHNICAL SUPPORT REQUEST

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the
command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.

Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

[Damocles]

Digging In The Garden

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your @#$%&*@#$%&* cat."

[Damocles]

The Fighting Irish

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with O'Riley," he sheepishly responded.

"O'Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. O'Riley" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing she is, but not much use in a fight."

[Damocles]

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Damocles]

THE TWINS LOSS

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out
of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split
right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

[Damocles]

CIA VACANCY

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2
men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this
job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot
her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not
the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the
same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this
is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another
for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several
minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the
gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Damocles]

HELPFUL CHINESE PHRASES

English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.
I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

[Damocles]

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars
for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner
and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in
back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you
in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and
twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during
step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat
of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter)
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

[Damocles]

THE BROWN PAPER COWBOY

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's
attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

[Damocles]

NEW SPIELBERG MOVIE

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so
he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

[Damocles]

JUDGING CHILI

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks
are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any
oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Damocles]

AGE IMPAIRED DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Neither could barely
see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The top light
was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran
through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh no, am I driving?

[Damocles]

Political jokes.

[Damocles]

Question and answer politician jokes
Q: How do you break a politician supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and' politician hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If the average politicians were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, They might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

[Damocles]

Q: Why doesn't a barber cut a politician's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about a politician?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

[Damocles]

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put an Anerican politician in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a politician's wife and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

[Damocles]

Q: How does a politician say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell a politician apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

[Damocles]

Q: How can you tell a politician from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."

[Damocles]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A politician doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets Congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames the opposition and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.