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Old June 11th, 2004, 01:49 AM   #1
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Default FUNNIEST Thing I've Ever Read!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.* If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better.* For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a Chili Cook-off.* The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the score cards from the advent: (Frank is
Judge #3)

Chili #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy felgercarb, what the hell is this
stuff?.* You could remove dried paint from your
driveway.* Took me two beers to put the flames out.* I
hope that's the worst one.* These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork.* Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver.* They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent Fire house chili.* Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
Judge #3 - Call the EPA.* I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite.* Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest.* I'm
getting felgercarb-faced from all of the beer.....

Chili #4 - Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans.* Good side
dish for fish or other mild food, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it.* Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills.* That 300 lb woman is
starting to look HOT.* Just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?.

Chili #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding considerable kick.* Very
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.* I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage.* Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher.* I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.* It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet.* Aggressive use of peppers,
onions and garlic.* Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous sulfuric flames.* I felgercarb on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair.* No one seems incline to stand behind me except
that Sally.* Can't feel my lips anymore.* I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, taste as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I would not feel a thing.* I've lost
sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
rushing water.* My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth.* My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt.* At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.* I've decided to stop
breathing it 's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.* If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot.* Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, and fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.* Poor fella, wonder
how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
I have my own little place, but it's okay. They know me here.
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Old June 11th, 2004, 04:35 AM   #2
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OMG, Ojai, that was hysterical!!!

I was laughing so hard, I had to get up and walk away for a moment then, come back to finish reading it!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
The night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore .

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to a time that we will never see.
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Old June 11th, 2004, 07:13 AM   #3
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rofl :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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Old June 11th, 2004, 10:39 AM   #4
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OH MY!!!! I had tears in my eyes from this!!!!!

Being a native Texan and living in San Antone for a year, I KNOW EXACTLY what you are talking about!!!!

too funny
When Commander Adama sees these, he's gonna go crazy!

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Old June 11th, 2004, 02:44 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by BST
I was laughing so hard, I had to get up and walk away for a moment then, come back to finish reading it!!

Wait awhile and go back and read it again. It happens all over again.

I do think it's right on target with those Texans!

I've been watching Reagan's funeral - so solemn and so sad. Then I'll check the mail and a bboard where I posted this, and read parts again. So help me, I'm alternating between tears and rolling across the room. Then I realized what a great sense of humor Reagan had and thought it's probably appropriate.

It 'is' hysterical....

I have my own little place, but it's okay. They know me here.
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Old June 11th, 2004, 08:24 PM   #6
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Made me I was :laugh: so hard.

Each smallest act of kindness reverbrates across great distances and spans of time, affecting lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it's passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away. Likewise, each small meanness, each expression of hatred, each act of evil.

This Momentous Day, H. R. White

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Old June 12th, 2004, 10:09 PM   #7
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LMFAO! That was hysterical. Poor #3!
There may be only one God in heaven, but to a writer, we're gods of the worlds we create on paper.

If reincarnation is real, I want to come back as a bowling ball...because that's how I roll.

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