Can't even think of a title for this.....

[BST]

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[BST]

(don't know what happened to #13 and #14).

[bsg1fan1975]

Got another good one I heard from a former boss about another co-worker.

"He's got a brilliant mind, one flash and its gone!"

[Damocles]

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Bright as Alaska in December.
5. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
6. Fell out of the family tree.
7. He's so dense, light bends around him.
8. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
9. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
10. In a classic duel of wits, he's the one lacking the weapon.

What I say to 1-10.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good for you, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying right by you.
3. Am I being smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain this to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
6. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue, but either way with you around, there is crap involved.
7. Needing you is like needing a parachute. If you aren't there the first time I need you, chances are I won't be needing you ever again.
8. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
9. Your reality check bounced.
10. On the keyboard of life, I always keep three fingers ready for people like you. Do you know what Control/Alt/Delete means?
11. I don't suffer from stress, friend. I'm the carrier.
12. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. You just happen to be mine at the moment.

As always,

[Lara]

1. Hold it up to the light, not a brain in sight,

2. you can give me a piece of your mind if you want to, madam, but I don't think you can afford to give any of it away (actual quote from a customer service operator in our CEC)

3. he's definately a brick short of a wall (variant on no29)

4. Got kangaroos loose in the top paddock

5. Can't breathe and chew gum at the same time

6. I can hear you, but I'm done listening

7. Only three modes: whinge, nag or sleep, and even then she talks in her sleep

Cheers,
Lara

[Damocles]

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.

A guy with his IQ should have a low voice too!

A half-wit gave him a piece of his mind, and he held on to it.

His sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

After assessing his job performance, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

All of his ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that only two people are to blame for producing him.

All that she is she owes to her parents. She should send send them a penny and square the account!

He works alone: In bad company.

And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

Any friend of hers ... is a friend of hers.

Any similarity between him and a human is purely anatomical!

Anyone who told him to be himself couldn't have given him worse advice.

He was always stupid at his peak, and the future prognosis in his case shows a decline in performance

He is brain-dead.

His parents are siblings.

As an outsider, he still hasn't figured out the human race?

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~

As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~

At least he is not obnoxious like so many other people - he is obnoxious in a different and worse way!

Before she came along I was hungry for help. Now I am fed up with her incompetence..

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of him. Why should I take all the credit?

Better at teamwork than anyone, now all he needs is a partner to prove it.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in his case, they're nothing!

Calling him a stupid ass would be an insult to stupid asses.

I usually borrow his face for a few days, while my derriere is on vacation.

He should be careful not to let his brains go to his head!

He finds it difficult to converse with plankton.

Running off at the mouth; indicates his constipation of ideas.

Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on her?

He ate paint chips when he was a kid.

a. His parents asked him to run away from home, or;

b. His parents didn't have any children that lived.

I wonder what life would be like for him; if he'd had enough oxygen at birth?

He should leave us soon to ensure his future employment. I was about to poison his coffee.

He will die stupid.

Do you want me to accept him as he is; or do you want me to like him?

Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

He shouldn't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Why should he feel insulted? Many people have jobs devoted to spreading ignorance!

Don't let his mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

Don't thank me for insulting him in this appraisal. It was my pleasure.

He shouldn't think, it may sprain his brain!