Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Bank Hold-Up

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"

One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"

"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

[Damocles]

Best Deals...

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

[Damocles]

Big John

A new bus driver stopped at a bus stop, opened his door, and on stepped a huge hulk of a man: six feet eight, muscles everywhere, he announced to the driver, "Big John don't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The driver was about five feet three, 120 pounds, so he didn't argue with Big John. The next day, the same thing happened: Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And on and on.

The driver started losing sleep over how Big John was taking advantage of him, until he could take no more. He joined a gym, signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and worked out religiously. Within six months, he was strong; what's more, he was self-confident.

The next Monday, Big John once again got on the bus and announced, "Big John don't pay!"

This time the bus driver stood up, glared back at him, and said firmly, "And why not?"

A surprised Big John replied, "Big John got bus pass!"

[Damocles]

Big Round of Applause

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[Damocles]

Blonde Waitress?

Colby and Terri were out to dinner, and Colby was about halfway through with his meal before he stopped and took a good look at his potato.

He called over the waitress and complained, "This potato is bad."

The waitress picked it up, smacked it, put it back on Steve's plate and said, "If that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

[Damocles]

Brake Fluid

One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.

Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned, but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a whole cup full of the brake fluid.

"Great stuff!" he exclaimed. "Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend that brake fluid is really great stuff. His friend was now really worried.

"You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that," his friend told him.

"Hey, don't worry," the man replied, "I can stop any time."

[Damocles]

Break Down

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

[Damocles]

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk boldly replied, "if you had a million dollar deal to close, you'd probably not be staying at THIS motel!"

[Damocles]

Changing Professions

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No no, that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler!"

[Damocles]

Cheap Suit

A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

[Damocles]

Complete Check-Up

Rand was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Rand turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Rand got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!

[Damocles]

Convenience Store?

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me, Sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here, but I can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all. We also sell condoms here..."

[Damocles]

Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his Captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[Damocles]

Daylight Saving Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

[Damocles]

Deadly Disease

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it.

"We've received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news - you have Ebola."

"Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor.

"Will that cure me?" the man asks.

"No, but it's the only food we'll be able to get under the door."

[Damocles]

Difficult?

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

[Damocles]

Dig Me a Hole...

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told, but he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[Damocles]

Doctor, Doctor

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor!" he started.

"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

[Damocles]

Dr. Death

A man was lying on his death-bed in a hospital when suddenly he began flailing his arms and making motions as if he wanted to speak.

The priest, keeping a bedside watch, leaned towards the man and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded affirmatively. The priest handed him a pad and pen. "I realize that, in your condition, you can't speak. Here, write a note on this pad of paper and I'll pass it along to your wife. She's in the waiting room."

The man gathered his last bit of strength and proceeded to scrawl his message on the pad of paper. He then quickly handed the note to the priest. Moments later, the man died.

After administering last rites, the priest left the man's bedside to break the sad news to the wife. After some consoling, the priest handed her the note.

The wife tearfully opened the note which read, "Get off my damn oxygen hose!"

[Damocles]

Dress Code Exceptions

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, Kim trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get for owning the company!"

[Damocles]

Everywhere and Then Some...

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, completely untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," replied the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

[Damocles]

Excellent Smuggler

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look," the guard ordered.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across
the border, so tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

[Damocles]

Fainted

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

[Damocles]

Famous Painter

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"

[Damocles]

Fantastic Job Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years, perhaps a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Damocles]

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

[Damocles]

Fast Food

Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

[Damocles]

Find the Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

[Damocles]

Foolish Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[Damocles]

From Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."