Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Training Courses Now Available For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill store
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It .

[Damocles]

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX - I am sterile

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville - I am a schmuck

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the heck out of people

Chevrolet Chevette - I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall

Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a flip about J.D. Power or his reports

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year

Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either

Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch

Porsche 944 - l am dating women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Isuzu

Toyota Camry - I am still in

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of it

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now

[Damocles]

TEN WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over
and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly)
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'
all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust
pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give
up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[Damocles]

WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these ..

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs
you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you
can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf
game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content
to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that you actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that you studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be
the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person
that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as
everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to
sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible
to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly
with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job ... Thus the
term "GO POSTAL"

[Damocles]

NEW DOG BREEDS

The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club:

Collie & Lhasa Apso
Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz & Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer & Setter
Pointsetter: A traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees & Dachshund
Pyradachs: A puzzling breed

Pekinese & Lhasa Apso
Peekaso: An abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel & English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever & Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists

Newfoundland & Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors

Terrier & Bulldog
Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound & Labrador
Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly

Malamute & Pointer
Moot Point: A dog owned by ....oh, well, it doesn't matter

Collie & Malamute
Commute: A dog that travels to work

Deerhound & Terrier
Derriere: A dog that is true to the end

Bull Terrier & felgercarbzu
Bu....Oh, never mind.

[Damocles]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

17. "I finished the Oreos"

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"

12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. '

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

... and finally ...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger....."

[Damocles]

FUNNY DEFINITIONS

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people

CHICKENS
The only creatures you eat before they
are born and after they are dead

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP
A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES
Something other people have
You have character lines

[Damocles]

Here are some simple guidelines for helping you determine where a driver comes from:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

[Damocles]

LETTERS TO WELFARE DEPARTMENTS

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

[Damocles]

TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

16) That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

15) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

14) That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

13) PH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

12) Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

11) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

10) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

9) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

8) Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

7) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

6) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

5) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

4) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.

3) Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

2) You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

[Damocles]

1. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
2. BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
3. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
4. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
5. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
6. WOMEN I HAVEN'T SEXUALLY HARASSED - by Bill Clinton
7. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
9. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
10. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
12. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
14. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
15. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
16. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
17. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
18. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
19. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
20. THE WORLD'S MOST TALENTED RAP MUSICIANS
21. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

[Damocles]

TO EXCERCISE OR NOT TO EXCERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog,
you add one minuteto your life. This enables you, at
age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she
was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with
a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice
jump right out of my glass.

[Damocles]

ACTUAL STATEMENTS FROM INSURANCE CLAIMS

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest
possible words. Some of these are VERY old, in fact I remember my Mother
(who used to work for an insurance company) showing me some of these about
20 years ago. I haven't seen them for a long time, so maybe they will be
new to you or at least raise a laugh (which is our hope). Enjoy:

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

[Damocles]

QUESTIONS ASKED OF THE SYDNEY OLYMPIC COMMITTEE

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic
Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate:

Q: I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true an if so,
can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
A: (Sure, there's only 8 million of them)

Q: I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue?
(Germany)
A: (More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: (Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

Q: I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction
should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving
with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in
Sydney.)

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: (And accomplish what?)

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: (No, and we use shells for money too)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
A: (???)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: (No. Everybody stinks.)

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most
national parks...)

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: (Yes. At Christmas.)

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: (A blonde?)

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: (Face North and you should be about right)

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: (Another blonde?)

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? Italy)
A: (Yes. Outdoors.)

[Damocles]

How To Know Whether You Are Ready To Have Kids Or Not

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound intelligent.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs
4. If there's a war you can say I told you so.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night foreign films on Channel 4
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still be a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
9. You don't have to bother with manners
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN:

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be a president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to be really clueless
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes and nobody cares
9. You get to call everyone you've never met 'buddy'
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
10a. When you are
10b. And prove it every day

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat gracioulsy in major sporting events
5. Union Jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need it or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being French
10a. Or German

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN:

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious history
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political instability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours talking
10. Make great Spagheti Westerns

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH

1. Glorious history
2. The rest of Europe think Africa begins in the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by fleas
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of proving couurage is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat the loser
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN:

1. Chicken Madras & Cobra Lager
2. Lamb Passanda & Cobra Lager
3. Onion Bhaji & Cobra Lager
4. Chicken Tikka Massala & Cobra Lager
5. Rogan Josh & Cobra Lager
6. Bombay Potato & Cobra Lager
7. Popadoms & Cobra Lager
8. Chicken Dopiaz & Cobra Lager
9. Meat Boona & Cobra Lager
10. Kingfisher Lager

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:

1. Guinness
2. Kennedys
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Poetry.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of poetry

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN:

1. It beats being American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

[Damocles]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering guy that no civilised nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitudes
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

[Damocles]

It's Good To Be A Man

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's concern if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your oyster.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at you when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "Notice anything
different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you to something, he can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 38 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can
quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be
mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big fat hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

[Damocles]

The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[Damocles]

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

[Damocles]

DOGGED OUT

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing
his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied
outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of
the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering
little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just
killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a 4-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Damocles]

NURSING HOME

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he
asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I
go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."

[Damocles]

BORDER PATROL

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by
the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law,
you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for
him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a
sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm,
Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez
Yellow?"