Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Slow Golfers


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Damocles]

Slow Start

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating.

Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my SECOND shot?"

[Damocles]

Sorry, Coach!!!

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. One day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

[Damocles]

Special Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

[Damocles]

Star Player

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question. If you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" asked the coach, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Damocles]

Take On Some Sport

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"

[Damocles]

Taking a Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

[Damocles]

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically . . . , "that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"

[Damocles]

The Big Game

A young man was very excited when he won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened however, as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

[Damocles]

The Neighbor

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor with a grin, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

[Damocles]

The Talk

One day, a man finally decided that it was time for a heart to heart with his boy...

"Son, it's time we had a little talk," he began. "Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll become preoccupied and unable to think of anything else."

His son looked positively frightened about what might possibly come next.

"But don't worry," the man continued. "It's perfectly normal. It's called 'golf.'"

[Damocles]

Union Wins Again

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[Damocles]

Viking of the Mountain

A Minnesotan dies and is sent to hell. He was a horrible man throughout life and the devil really wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days the Devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The Devil is aghast as he looks at the Minnesotan happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The Devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks, why are you so happy?"

The Minnesotan, smiling looks at the Devil replying, "This is great, it reminds me of August in Minnesota. Hot, humid a good piece of work to do - it reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The Devil, perplexed, walks away to ponder this. He decides to change things up a bit -drops the temperature, sends down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. The Minnesotan is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the Devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Minnesotan replies, "This is great. Just like April in Minnesota. Reminds me of working out in the fields with spring plantin'!"

The Devil is now completely baffled. In desperation, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will have to do it, the Devil checks in on the Minnesotan. He is aghast as he sees the Minnesotan dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy. It's like you're celebrating. Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the Devil.

"Hell's frozen over!" replies the Minnesotan. "The Vikings won the Superbowl!"

[Damocles]

A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

[Damocles]

Birding

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."

After 10 minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. "Dammit!" he hollered. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"

The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, boy, what's your name?"

The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."

[Damocles]

Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Damocles]

College Dorm

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[Damocles]

Field Study

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass solo."

[Damocles]

Flying Lessons

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[Damocles]

Fools' Paradise

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[Damocles]

God's Priorities

Children in the cafeteria line at a Catholic school saw a large pile of apples with a sign reading, "Take only one - God is watching."

Near the end of the line was a platter of chocolate chip cookies with a sign obviously written by a child, "Take all the cookies you want - God's watching the apples."

[Damocles]

Group Picture

The fifth grade children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and remark, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead!"

[Damocles]

Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

[Damocles]

Hey, Nice Bike!

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says, ´You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!´"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn´t have fit you anyway."

[Damocles]

If Our Chute Doesn't Open

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

[Damocles]

It's a Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Damocles]

Justice for the Class?

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class, but can't for the life of him stop laughing.

The principal walks by, sees him sitting outside laughing and he says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny replied, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather!"

[Damocles]

Late Comer

When I was teaching at a local university, the eight o'clock class always managed to get there on time.

However, we had one student, a cheerleader type, who never seemed to make my nine o'clock class any less than ten minutes late on the three days we had class.

One day I told a joke about a local business owner who had received one of those forms from the government which had stated: Please list your number of employees broken down by sex. He wrote back that he didn't believe that he had any broken down by sex, but some of them did come in late occasionally.

The class was chuckling pretty good when the cheerleader walked in. I raised my eyebrows and said, "I rest my case."

It took a few minutes before we could actually get anything done after that. Someone must have told the cheerleader about the joke because she was never late for class again.

[Damocles]

Little Johnny and the Elements

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Damocles]

Little Johnny and the Essay

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."