Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Garbage Collector

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

[Damocles]

Give Me Your Money...

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[Damocles]

Great Steak

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

[Damocles]

Guilty Howard

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming, but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single, so just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."

[Damocles]

Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

[Damocles]

Hey, Spare Change...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at $85,000."

"$85,000!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[Damocles]

Hospitalized Prostitute

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[Damocles]

House Construction

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[Damocles]

I Often Forget

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there, so I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."

[Damocles]

Important Game!

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

[Damocles]

In the Army

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[Damocles]

In the End

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"

The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

[Damocles]

Insurance Salesman...With a Point!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Damocles]

Interpreting Employment Ads

Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast Paced Company - We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

Must be Deadline Oriented - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

Duties will Vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an Eye for Detail - We have no quality control.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience - You will need to replace three people who just left.

Problem Solving Skills a Must - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from
anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

[Damocles]

Late Again

Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about the problem.

Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the door.

"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" he exclaimed.

"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you yesterday?"

[Damocles]

Lazier Than You

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

[Damocles]

Letter Eat Cake

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything."

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes."

[Damocles]

Loitering

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled his partner, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Damocles]

Low Bridge Ahead

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'low bridge ahead.'

Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was just delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

[Damocles]

Naval Transcript

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse...your call.

[Damocles]

New Project

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.

Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll
play him."

"I´ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who
do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

[Damocles]

New Sign

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign, so he decided to check it out for himself.

One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

Psycho- the- rapist

[Damocles]

No Memory

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community, but all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said s

[Damocles]

Not Cheap...

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered, "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac..."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[Damocles]

Not My Job...

A policeman stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Jumping out of his expensive foreign car, the irate driver waved his hands and stomped his feet.

"I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer, writing out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and a lot of the people you meet are assholes!"

[Damocles]

Notice to Employees

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

[Damocles]

Oh, Waiter...

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner!"

[Damocles]

Other Skills...

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

[Damocles]

Overdue Library Book

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?" inquired the librarian.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" she continued.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" Judi complained incessantly.

The librarian nodded and meekly replied, "Ahh, so you must be the person who took our phone book..."

[Damocles]

Philosophic Approach

Jones had for years refused to take planes, and all arguments urging him to do so were made in vain. Finally, one friend
said in exasperation, "Listen, why don't you take a philosophic approach? Tell yourself that if your number isn't up, then it isn't up, and take the plane."

"Ah," said Jones, "and what difference would it make if my number wasn't up, if the pilot's number is up?"