Clean joke of the day. - Page 49

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 06:58 PM

Why Ronald Reagan made such a great president ...

* 'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'
* 'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
* 'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's
* just that they know so much that isn't so.'
* 'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'
* 'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
* 'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
* 'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
* 'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
* 'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
* 'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
* 'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
* 'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable
* as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
* 'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 06:59 PM

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure because...

* In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
* In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
* In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
* In the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:02 PM

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day ...

... and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:04 PM

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing"

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled--banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:05 PM

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:07 PM

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified

* Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
* Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
* His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
* Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
* Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
* Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
* At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
* Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
* Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
* On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:08 PM

A professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's ..

...great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:09 PM

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced ...

... that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:10 PM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House...

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"DONE!" Replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it works.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:12 PM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening..

... when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine to me!"

"My God, what had you told them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:13 PM

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.

Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived. "Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello"

For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.

The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God... Dopey is still alive."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:15 PM

Einstein dies and goes to heaven...

... Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:16 PM

Political Thoughts

The bigger the ego the thicker the skin,
The bigger the lie the smoother the spin,
The more the disdain the wider the grin -
There's only one goal and that is to win.

The promises made they never will keep,
The artful denial of prejudice deep,
The wondrous reforms that are not, but they're cheap -
The goal is the same. Who cares if we weep?

When to serve all the people is to serve only one,
To distribute the wealth is something they shun,
And the cudgel of fear has only begun -
Democracy's lost. Self interest has won.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:17 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:20 PM

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and the right.

Submitted by Dick Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:22 PM

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

* Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
* Does the man look poor or oppressed?
* Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
* Could we run away?
* What does my wife think?
* What about the kids?
* Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
* What does the law say about this situation!?
* Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
* Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
* Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
* Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
* If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
* Should I call 9-1-1?
* Why is this street so deserted?
* We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
* This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some ! friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:23 PM

Quotes from our esteemed leader - George Bush

* "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
* "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
* "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
* "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
* "The future will be better tomorrow."
* "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
* "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
* "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
* "Public speaking is very easy."
* "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
* "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
* "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
* "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
* "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
* "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:24 PM

A lawyer who grew to hate the city bought a farm, and before long he noticed that the rooster ...

would begin to crow just before the sun came up each day. Thinking about this connection, he came to the conclusion that it was actually the crowing that caused the sun to rise, so when the rooster died he quickly replaced it.

Shortly afterwards he represented some farmers against the department of Agriculture but lost the case - which caused the farmers to become very angry, because he had promised them success. He decided it would be better to move away to a town that was on a hill overlooking his previous one - and he made sure he took the rooster.

Sure enough, the next morning the rooster began to crow in its new home, and soon afterwards the sun naturally rose above the horizon - but his former town remained in darkness. Well, they had asked for it!

He wondered why they did not come to him and beg him to return and let them have sunshine again, but knew they were really too stubborn and stupid to do that - some people were like that - but it didn't stop him running, and being elected to congress.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:27 PM

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college...

Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even sh ow up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Submitted by my Little sister Anna

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:28 PM

July 8th 1947 and its significance in our time.

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day:

1. George W. Bush,
2. Dick Cheney,
3. Donald Rumsfield,
4. Bill O'Reilly and
5. Rush Limbaugh,

were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calf.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:29 PM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical .

Our OIL is located in

* Alaska
* California
* Coastal Florida
* Coastal Louisiana
* Kansas
* Oklahoma
* Pennsylvania
* Texas

But our dipsticks Are located in Washington , DC !!!

Any Questions ???

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:30 PM

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant ...

...operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

* Broiled Missionary: $10.00
* Fried Explorer: $15.00
* Grilled Republican: $20.00
* Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat ?'

The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:31 PM

How to Start Each Day with a Positive Outlook

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Al Sharpton

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:32 PM

Here is a little test that will help you decide whether you're a Republican, a Democrat ...

... or a Redneck.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: Bang!

Redneck's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Click.... (sounds of reloading) Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?" Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:33 PM

A TV broadcast a documentary about Cold War Sense of Humour in the USSR

They told this story which President Reagan once told in public:

A soviet and an American are arguing about liberty in their countries:

The American says: You see in our democracy I have the right to go to Washington, To enter the White House, to smash open the Oval office door and punch the President desk and say "I don't like the way you’re running the country."

The Russian citizen answered: "We also have the right to go to Kremlin Citadell, to open the door and punch the desk of the General Secretary of the Party And "I disagree the way President Reagan rules the USA …."

Or

" Two Russians were standing in a long line to reach the butcher’s shop about 3 miles away The queue moving forward at a slowly pace Suddenly one of the Russian shouts "I am fed up with all this, it’s unbearable, I have to do something I am gonna kill Gorbachev…"

"Hey are you nuts says the other Russian"

"I am on my way says the upset soviet." And he goes.

A few hours later he comes back in the row. His pal had only made a few steps forward and asked "Did you kill him?"

"No…impossible" answered his friend disgustedly"

"Why?" Asked his friend

"The line is even longer this this one …."

Submitted by Yves, Paris France

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:37 PM

Blue State Bumper Stickers

* 1/20/09: End of an Error
* That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
* Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
* If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
* Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber
* If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
* Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Done by an Elephant
* Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
* George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
* Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowhards Anymore
* America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
* They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
* Who's God Do You Kill For?
* Cheney/Satan '08
* Jail to the Chief
* No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
* Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Error
* Bad President! No Banana.
* We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
* We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
* Is It Vietnam Yet?
* Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
* Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
* You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
* Impeach Cheney First
* Dubya, Your Dad Should Be In Jail, Too
* When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
* Pray For Impeachment
* Fermez la Bush
* The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
* What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
* One Nation Under Clod
* 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
* Bush Never Exhaled
* At Least Nixon Resigned

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:37 PM

Einstein dies and goes to heaven...

... Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:38 PM

Political Thoughts

The bigger the ego the thicker the skin,
The bigger the lie the smoother the spin,
The more the disdain the wider the grin -
There's only one goal and that is to win.

The promises made they never will keep,
The artful denial of prejudice deep,
The wondrous reforms that are not, but they're cheap -
The goal is the same. Who cares if we weep?

When to serve all the people is to serve only one,
To distribute the wealth is something they shun,
And the cudgel of fear has only begun -
Democracy's lost. Self interest has won.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:40 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 07:41 PM

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen'.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.