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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:45 PM   #2161
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Movie Stars

The trick-or-treater knocked on the front door dressed in boxing gloves and satin shorts.

"Who are you?" asked the homeowner, handing out the goodies.

"I'm Sylvester Stallone as Rocky!" he proclaimed proudly.

About fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang again.

"Say, aren't you the same 'Rocky' who here a few minutes ago?" asked the homeowner, growing suspiciously.

"Oh, no," he replied, "that was Rocky I. Now I'm the sequel! And I'll be coming back three more times tonight!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:46 PM   #2162
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:46 PM   #2163
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in New York. and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Yom Kippur. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in Maine and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Passover!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:47 PM   #2164
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Automobiles, AOL-Style

If AOL built Automobiles...

* The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
* The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
* The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
* The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
* AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
* Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
* The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
* The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
* Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
* If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
* The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
* AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
* AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
* Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
* It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
* AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
* Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
* It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
* AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
* AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
* Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:47 PM   #2165
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Automobiles, Microsoft-Style

If Microsoft built Automobiles...

* A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
* Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
* Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
* You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
* Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
* The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
* People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
* We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
* The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
* New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM   #2166
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Computer Hell

A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil.

"Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."

"That's the hell of it," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:48 PM   #2167
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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband
1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:49 PM   #2168
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:50 PM   #2169
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Help!

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "Itīs about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:50 PM   #2170
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Helping Hand

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:51 PM   #2171
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Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:51 PM   #2172
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Out of Control

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it happens again."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:52 PM   #2173
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Password

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:53 PM   #2174
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Promotional Considerations

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:53 PM   #2175
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life...

Your stationery has fax number, 2 e-mail addresses, & your Internet address.

You have two or more Internet Service Providers.

You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh or MHz rates.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only know computers with laser printers.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real friends birthday cards.

You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns bread into charcoal.

You use all the Internet terms in conversations without even thinking about it.

You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever!

The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music rarely occurs to you.

In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; the salesperson listens.

You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not your social security number.

You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term "voice number."

You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads fiction novels.

At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.

And finally...

You actually understood all the humor in this message.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:54 PM   #2176
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Starting Over

My son was playing the video game "Zelda" and was over half way through the game when he realized that he forgot to get something at the beginning. Rather than starting over he is going to try and finish the game hoping he won't need it.

Suddenly I realized I wouldn't have to worry about him getting a job when he finished his education. He would fit in very well at Microsoft as a program engineer.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:54 PM   #2177
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Terrible Day

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:55 PM   #2178
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A Change in Occupations

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:57 PM   #2179
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A Helping Hand

When the office printerīs type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my bossīs idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:58 PM   #2180
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A Man and His Cow

One day a farm implement salesman visited a new potential customer in hopes of selling him the latest, greatest and most expensive piece of farm machinery his company had ever produced. He found the farmer sitting in the barn with his head in his hands. The salesman introduced himself and explained why he was there.

"Well," said the farmer, "If you can do something for me, I'll buy one of those fancy gadgets."

The salesman could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of such a huge sale, afterall, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make this sale. "Sure," said the salesman, "Just name it!"

"Well," started the farmer, "this morning I came down to the barn to milk Bessie. I put the stool down beside her and the pail under her and was just about to begin milkin' when she got up an' kicked me with her right hoof. I took a piece of rope and tied her right leg to the side of the stall and went around to the left side of her with my stool. I no sooner got sittin' when she got up an' kicked me with her left hoof. I took another piece of rope and tied her left leg to the other side of the stall. Then I took the stool around to the back of her and sat down and was just about to start milkin' when she got up again and swats me in the face with her tail. I didn’t have any more rope so I took off my belt and stood up on the stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling and of course my pants slided down to my ankles. Right then my wife walks in. If you can convince my wife that all I was going to do was milk the cow, I'll buy one of them things."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:58 PM   #2181
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Acceptance Testing

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:59 PM   #2182
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Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me the chance to be creative when somebody asks me where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I work here.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. It builds management skills and my innate ability of mind reading.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and nothing else to do. My life is yours.

7. If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in a conversation.

9. If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it *is* done, so I can learn repetitive perfection doing it your way.

10. Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone else is less fortunate.
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A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 09:59 PM   #2183
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Airplane!

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:00 PM   #2184
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

All the King's Horses...

The knight and his loyal warriors returned to their castle after a hard month of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asked the king.

"Sire, we have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf for weeks, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."

"What?!" shrieked the King, "I have no enemies to the west!"

The knight paused. "Well, you do now!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:01 PM   #2185
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Another Day at the Morgue

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:01 PM   #2186
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Army Cook

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:02 PM   #2187
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ATTN: Return Dept.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father. I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:02 PM   #2188
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Bad Day at Work

A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the director. "Good," said the trainee as he hung up.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:03 PM   #2189
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Bad News at the Doctor's...

A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a long wait for the results, the doctor finally came back out.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I have?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:04 PM   #2190
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Bangety Bang Bang

Seems there was a young soldier who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn`t have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety
Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
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