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Old May 15th, 2006, 12:15 PM   #1
bsg1fan1975
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Question Why Me?????????????????

I'm having one of those weeks and I really want to know why when you have plans to do one thing, someone else has to come along and try to alter them.

For example, while my mom was here last week, my dad hits me with the news that he is looking to transfer to another command seeing the one he is currently at is being moved South. One of the possibly new jobs he was looking at was in NJ and he had to have an answer from me and my hubby by today if we were going to allow my mom to live with us for two weeks and then she would go live with my older sis for two. I told him there is no way that my hubby and I can give him an answer so quickly to this like he wants. My mother reminded him that we are trying to start a family, look for a house to buy and I am seriously looking at being in college by the fall and what he wants to do to my life is very unfair to me and my hubby.


If that wasn't bad enough, now my father in law has jumped on the same train of thought of messing up my life. Especially if we get a house, as then when he and my mother in law want to go away on a trip, guess who gets to watch their dog as well as try to tend to the rest of the things I am trying to do. My brother in law lives at home and is capable of caring for the dog, so why is everything always dumped on me and my husband. I got stuck two years ago watching their last dog and the house two days after I came back from my honeymoon and it drove me bats.

So can anyone tell me why I have to be the one who gets the crap dumped on me all the time?
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Old May 15th, 2006, 02:13 PM   #2
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Oh man! I feel for you. I have similar things happen. My mom is 83 and starting to have problems. I have to always be the one who deals with all of her medical and financial issues. When we are in good times and she is doing well, she still always calls me to complain about something, like having a wart removed. I tell her that I have to deal with all of the real problems that she has and we need to not sweat the little things. She will say, "Ok" and then call me two days later complaining about Athelte's Foot and wanting to go to emergency. (I am not kidding here!)

When my husband or my friends talk to her, she gets them laughing, but as soon as I am on the phone it is all doom and gloom! (I have witnesses.)

I think people pick us because we are the only ones who have it together. I mean after all, if you are married and buying a house then you must be togther enough to handle everyone else's problems, right? My brother is 20 years older but does not work, is nort married, and does not own a home and yet I get to be the one to handle all of the problems!

When did I become responsible and why?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

Everytime I stop answering the phone my mom calls my husband and asks if I am in the hospital because she can't reach me!

In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, "UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

In other words, you have my sympathy. I hope it gets better.
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Old May 15th, 2006, 02:36 PM   #3
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thanks. its good to know that I am not the only one who has this same problem.
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Old May 15th, 2006, 02:42 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bsg1fan1975
So can anyone tell me why I have to be the one who gets the crap dumped on me all the time?
Two reasons:

1) Because they trust you to handle things like an adult. Otherwise they wouldn't ask.

2) Because you haven't told them no.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling them that they need to make other arrangements for the dog. Its your house, not theirs. If you don't want a dog in the house, that's YOUR choice. Not theirs.

Your mother, on the other hand, is not a dog. That's going to take a little diplomacy.

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Old May 15th, 2006, 02:47 PM   #5
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Welcome to the world of being adult children. I know the words to the tune you're singing.

The job of a parent is to put the offspring on the path to a successful life, teaching the child the tools it needs to live a long and happy life. Unfortunately, that also means letting them make mistakes - and letting go when the time comes. That latter bit is the hardest for many to do.

So it takes many forms. They make assumptions that your life can accommodate their whims (selective memory at work there, as they conveniently forget what their own lives were like at this stage). They pick the ones to guilt by the reactions they get to it. Mrs. Dawg can read you chapter and verse on this.

Dear Abby (rest her soul) said, time and again, that nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Stop giving permission. Tell Dad that, sorry, but you just can't accommodate him at this time. Tell the in-laws that you're not in a position to dog-sit - you work, have a new lawn, busy trying to give them grandkids, whatever.

And don't feel guilty about doing so. They've done their job and you've got your own life to lead. Honor them, accommodate them as best you can, but not at the expense of your peace of mind, lifestyle, or sanity.

You're a grown-up now.



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Old May 15th, 2006, 02:47 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KamikazeAthena
Oh man! I feel for you. I have similar things happen. My mom is 83 and starting to have problems. I have to always be the one who deals with all of her medical and financial issues. When we are in good times and she is doing well, she still always calls me to complain about something, like having a wart removed. I tell her that I have to deal with all of the real problems that she has and we need to not sweat the little things. She will say, "Ok" and then call me two days later complaining about Athelte's Foot and wanting to go to emergency. (I am not kidding here!)

When my husband or my friends talk to her, she gets them laughing, but as soon as I am on the phone it is all doom and gloom! (I have witnesses.)

I think people pick us because we are the only ones who have it together. I mean after all, if you are married and buying a house then you must be togther enough to handle everyone else's problems, right? My brother is 20 years older but does not work, is nort married, and does not own a home and yet I get to be the one to handle all of the problems!

When did I become responsible and why?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

Everytime I stop answering the phone my mom calls my husband and asks if I am in the hospital because she can't reach me!

In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, "UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

In other words, you have my sympathy. I hope it gets better.
I've known several people with the whole relative/phone problem. It didn't end well for any of them.

And yes, its all about the fact that YOU are the stable one. If you aren't complaining about your life and all the little problems it has, then you MUST NEED some troubles to deal with. Nature abhorrs a vaccuum.

Perhaps you could try complaining BACK to your mother. Put her in a position to feel better about her life by comparison. Tell her how much your life sucks and how you wish people would stop asking you for things and yadda yadda yadda...

Just a thought.

-G

You think YOU got problems??? Well the other day I was......
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Old May 15th, 2006, 06:04 PM   #7
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Thanks guys. The support really does help.

It is amazing the tricks I have tried. What works one day, fails the next.

Everyday is a new adventure! At least we have these people in our lives and I am convinced that is better than the alternative.

Cheers!
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Old May 16th, 2006, 03:36 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bsg1fan1975
So can anyone tell me why I have to be the one who gets the crap dumped on me all the time?
Adult daughter who showed responsibilty... and a susceptibility to the 'guilt' manoveur

My Mum does it to me all the time.
She's also in the habit of airing the problems but not quite getting to the solutions, and getting sulky if I don't spend several hours on the phone with her every week.

I keep telling myself its a generation thing: at my age she was looking after Dad's aged and slightly demented mother, at home, who herself had nursed her husband for the last 20 years of his life...and so the expectation carries forward of family reliance.
If I don't play the game I seem like a selfish cow, especially since I don't have kids and my brother has 4 , but I earn more, and work too much etc etc.
Its also her way of having a life, and its not as simple as saying I don't want to participate.

I don't know the answer. I'm down the well with you (and many others) all I can do is offer empathy and promise if I find the way out, I'll share it!!

Cheers,
Lara
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Old May 16th, 2006, 04:46 AM   #9
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fortunately, my mom understands and is backing me up against my dad. She has already told him that she cannot live with her kids the rest of her life. Mom understands that I am quite busy between taking care of the apartment we live in currently, looking for a house and preparing for college as well as trying to give her grandchildren and that it would be unfair to just drop her on her children. And also my sister has her own problems between hers and my brother in laws health issues, they have three children at home and other things to worry about.

my father in law on the other hand, expects me to drop everything and jump for him when he says jump. My hubby already told his father that we would have to see about us dog-sitting for them when that time comes. It just burns me that hubby's younger brother lives at home and is fully capable of caring for the dog while they are gone. I say its laziness on his part.

It isn't that I don't love them but I am just tired of being seen as the one who can take on the world's burdens without it affecting my health and life.
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Old May 16th, 2006, 09:23 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bsg1fan1975
It isn't that I don't love them but I am just tired of being seen as the one who can take on the world's burdens without it affecting my health and life.
And there is where you hit the nail right on the head. Last year I wound up with so many stress issues due to my family that I found myself in the hospital (first time) for 3 days. It was determined that the only way I could have had the problems that I did was stress. I started learning at that point to say no. Too bad my mom has not learned the whole cause and affect thing. I am still working on that one.
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Old May 16th, 2006, 11:22 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KamikazeAthena
And there is where you hit the nail right on the head. Last year I wound up with so many stress issues due to my family that I found myself in the hospital (first time) for 3 days. It was determined that the only way I could have had the problems that I did was stress. I started learning at that point to say no. Too bad my mom has not learned the whole cause and affect thing. I am still working on that one.
Hope things get better for you.
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Old May 16th, 2006, 12:14 PM   #12
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Thanks. I have faith that they will get better for both of us.
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Old May 16th, 2006, 02:11 PM   #13
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Sorry to hear it has been stressful for both of you! I can relate as well but have learned a little to say no..................not a lot but small step right?
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Old May 16th, 2006, 05:48 PM   #14
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HA! Are you kidding? That is one of the BIGGEST steps!

Good for you!
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Old May 16th, 2006, 06:28 PM   #15
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I almost lost site of the most important aspect of all of this!

What are we going to do to torture our kids??????
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Old May 17th, 2006, 09:11 AM   #16
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gods above! if I know my hubby like I do and we have daughters, they won't be dating till they are 30, at least
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