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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:42 PM   #2251
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Please Direct Me

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy, "Will you please direct me to the bank?"

"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars," answered the boy.

"Why should I pay you so much?" argued the man.

"Because bank directors are always highly paid."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:42 PM   #2252
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Podiatrism Has It's Limits

An extremely drunk man looking for a house of ill repute stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

“That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Wow, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:43 PM   #2253
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sale La Vie

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:44 PM   #2254
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Same Work, Different Pay?

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit suprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:44 PM   #2255
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Secret to Success

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:45 PM   #2256
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Seen This Before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor´s, the man lifts his wife´s
coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:46 PM   #2257
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Service-Related Disability

A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"

"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:46 PM   #2258
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Advisor

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" the bartender asked.

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told that if they ever wanted my advice, they'd let me know."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:47 PM   #2259
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse`s aid came out and asked him what he had. He said,"Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:47 PM   #2260
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Short Breaks

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer.

She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:48 PM   #2261
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Shredder

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:49 PM   #2262
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sleeping Like a Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:49 PM   #2263
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Slip of the Tongue

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve. "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:50 PM   #2264
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Smooth and Uneventful Flight

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:51 PM   #2265
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Start 'em Out Young!

A young family moved into a house in a new subdivision, beside a home still under construction. Their 6-year-old daughter took an interest in the activity next door, eventually talking with the workers.

Soon the crew adopted her as the project's mascot. They talked with her, let her join them during coffee and lunch breaks, and even gave her little jobs to do around the site.

At the end of the week, they took up a collection and gave her a real pay envelope, with nearly ten dollars inside. She took her "pay" home and her mother suggested they deposit her pay in her savings account.

At the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story, and asked the little girl how she had earned her own "paycheck" at such a young age.

She proudly replied, "I worked with a construction crew, building a house."

"Goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"

The little girl replied sweetly, "We will if that clown at the lumberyard sends over our drywall!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:51 PM   #2266
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Stop Bugging Me!

One night, as Joe was watching TV, the doorbell rang.

He opened the door and there was a six-foot cockroach! It grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang again. He opened the door and there was the same six-foot cockroach! It punched him in the stomach, kneed him in the face, and then left.

The third night, his doorbell rang again and once again, there stood the same six-foot cockroach! This time, it beat the snot out of Joe and left him lying in a heap on the living room floor.

The next morning, Joe went to his doctor, explained what had happened, and asked, "What can I do?"

"Not much," replied his doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:52 PM   #2267
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Take Me Out...

A doctor at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" and they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:52 PM   #2268
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Blacksmith's Apprentice

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:53 PM   #2269
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Courteous Chef

A guy was at a restaurant and couldn't figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter whom he knew, "What do you recommend, Henri?"

"Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert," the man replied.

"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?"

"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:54 PM   #2270
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:55 PM   #2271
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Kid in the Red Shirt

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a
week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't
let me see you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found
him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him.
What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:55 PM   #2272
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Locksmith

A man picks the lock of a door and enters to find a startled, terrified woman. She asks, "Who are you, and how did you get in here?"

He responds, "I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:56 PM   #2273
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Truth Hurts

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the sychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:56 PM   #2274
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Writer's Creed

Three boys were bragging about their fathers...

The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and they give him $100."

The second said, "Oh, yeah? My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $1,000."

The third boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:57 PM   #2275
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Therapy Session...

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said, "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:58 PM   #2276
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

They Have Feelings, Too...

A blind man walked into a large department store with his seeing-eye dog. When he got to middle of the store, he stopped, picked up his dog by the leash and began swinging him around over his head.

A horrified sales clerk rushed over and said, "Sir, is there anything I can do for you?"

The man calmly replied, "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:58 PM   #2277
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Think

As an inspirational measure, the Boss had placed an inspirational sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- Think!

The next day he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- Thoap!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:59 PM   #2278
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Touche!

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Old April 19th, 2009, 10:59 PM   #2279
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Traffic Troubles

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

One day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers," said the farmer.

The next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW -- SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

Again the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW -- CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up, so the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it alright for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was ready to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Needless to say, the sheriff didn't receive a single call from the farmer after that.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" he asked.

"Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy," the farmer stated as he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign. There might be something there that we could use to slow down drivers..."

The sheriff drove out to the farmer's house and finally saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood and written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW -- NUDIST COLONY
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A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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Old April 19th, 2009, 11:00 PM   #2280
Damocles
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Trouble with the Mailman

I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters.

Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message:

"Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."
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A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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