Clean joke of the day. - Page 21

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:38 PM

# Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the dictionary.

# Chuck Norris once sank a battleship by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:40 PM

# Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

# Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

# When Chuck Norris speaks, everybody listens... and dies

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:44 PM

# Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris.

# You dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you!

# bChuck Norris writes half of these jokes, he likes his fans to be informed.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:46 PM

# Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

# Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

# A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him
cured the man's blindness, unfortunately the first and last thing the
man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:47 PM

# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity...............TWICE!

# Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:48 PM

# Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

# There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, after Chuck kicked the stupid out of him.

# Although it is not common knowledge, there three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:49 PM

# Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

# In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:50 PM

# If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris ten dollars.

# When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

# Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing
around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his
own head.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:53 PM

# A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in you. You better believe in Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does warp nine standing still!

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:54 PM

# Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pen-names to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

# Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, "I don't trust doctors." He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:57 PM

# Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

# In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris found the portal to Hell. Now he repeatedly gives the Devil a round house kick to the face every night before he sleeps.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 04:59 PM

# Chuck Norris invented flag pants.

# Chuck Norris invented the beard.

# In the 80's it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan's body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan's tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:03 PM

# Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens' stories while he works out.

# During the 1970's he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)

# Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke to evil, and heard evil's reply. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:04 PM

# Chuck Norris diabolically invented Captain Obvious.

# Chuck Norris commands, period.

# Chuck Norris is actually just Superman.

# Chuck Norris is a superior Human. Chuck Norris fights evil ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to wig out and roundhouse kick evil people.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:06 PM

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
ingredient: Fear.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:07 PM

* Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:08 PM

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

* If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named like Chucktober or Killvember.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:10 PM

* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny believes in Chuck Norris.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:13 PM

* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

* We never tested an atom bomb. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

* When Chuck Norris walks, the ground quakes........in fear.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:14 PM

* What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His foot.

* Chuck Norris appears ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:15 PM

* There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

* Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

* Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:16 PM

* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

* Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:17 PM

* Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

* The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

* When Chuck Norris falls into cement, it cushions him..

Damocles · April 8th, 2009, 05:18 PM

* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

* In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

* If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:42 PM

Jack Bauer Jokes

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:44 PM

Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:45 PM

Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".

When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:47 PM

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.

If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're dead meat.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:48 PM

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 06:49 PM

When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.

Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.