Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Political correctness is a Borg plot.

[Damocles]

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them.

[Damocles]

Quayle Borg: Inhaling is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Rush LimBorg: Liberals are irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Tennis is irrelevant. - Bjorn Borg

[Damocles]

The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.

[Damocles]

The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!

[Damocles]

The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.

[Damocles]

The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!

[Damocles]

This is Borg. [ESC] is futile [CTRL] is inevitable.

[Damocles]

U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.

[Damocles]

We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!

[Damocles]

We are the Borg. Your files will be assimilated.

[Damocles]

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

[Damocles]

Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevent.

[Damocles]

Whose laser thru yonder saucer section cuts? 'Tis the Borg

[Damocles]

Please Report to Sick Bay...
Dr. Crusher,

Please report to sick Bay. Lt. Ohura needs a complete physical performed before I make the modifications to her clone.

Thank You,
Dr. Quak

[Damocles]

Top Ten Star Trek Ripwords of Knight Rider
10. A "sweeping" red light is installed on the front of the Enterprise.

9. Geordi installs Turbo Boost on the warp engines.

8. The Enterprise docks inside a starbase that looks like a large black semi.

7. Picard starts wearing a black leather jacket and talks to the computer through his watch.

6. The ensign of the week has a horrible accident and requires plastic surgery. Dr. Crusher performs the operation, and recreates his face to that of Wesley's.

5. Another Galaxy class starship with a mind of it's own tries to kill off the Enterprise, but fails. Twice.

4. It is revealed that the Enterprise doesn't need shields because of it's gamma welded shell.

3. Geordi has fantasies about Bonnie on the holodeck.

2. We see a lot of buttons on Worf's panel that are never used, but still look neat.

1. The Enterprise is painted black and gets a set of T-tops.

[Damocles]

The Night Before Christmas With The Borg
Enterprise NCC1701-D, Stardate Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Enterprise Not a life form was stirring, of any known size.

The phasers were hung by the transporters with care
In hopes that no Borg ship would ever come there.

The ensigns were nestled all snug in their beds
While millions of nanites danced on their heads.
And Crusher with her scanner and Picard with his book
Had just settled down in a quiet little nook.

When out on the bow there arose such a clatter,
Picard spilled his tea and wondered what was the matter.
Away to a bridge he streaked like a laser,
Woke Worf from his sleep and drew out his phaser.

The hum of the ship as its engines engaged
Gave Picard assurance that all was okay,
When what should appear on the forward displays,
But a large Borg ship with eight tractor beam rays!

It had an ominous look that frightened the crew,
And Picard knew in a moment, it must not be Q.
More rapid than phasers their tractor beams came
And they hailed and shouted each crew member's name!

"Now, Picard! now, Crusher! now, Data and LaForge!
Hey, Guinan! hey, Riker! hey, Deanna and Worf!
Resistance is futile! You all must comply!
You must be assimilated or else you must die!"

As merchant space vessels of slow warp retreat
Are by photons of Warbirds blown to ionic debris,
So would be the Enterprise and all of her crew
If a timely surrender did not quickly ensue.

And then in an instant, Picard heard on the hull
The creaking and jolting of a tractor beam's pull.
As he took a deep breath, and was turning around,
On board beamed a Borg with a soft beaming sound!

He was dressed all in gadgets from his head to his toe,
And his skin was washed out and was whiter than snow.
An arrangement of tools he held tight in his hand,
And he seemed a dark minstrel directing a band.

His optical apertures, oh how they stared!
His implants and armor in his skin were ensnared!
His dull little mouth was drawn rather tight,
And the suit on his frame was as black as the night;

A menacing scanner he produced from his arm,
And the sparks from the consoles set off an alarm!
He spoke not a word, but proceeded to lurk,
And never once paused as he continued his work.

At a bleep from the scanner, the Borg jerked his head
And it made Picard think he had so much to dread!
But the Borg moved along, and returned to his scan,
Then Picard saw his chance to destroy this Borg man.

The captain drew his phaser and shot the Borg dead
And the Borg fell over much quicker than said.
Then Picard gave orders that photons be sent
And the Borg cube's hull was soon broken and bent.

With a jolt and a creak the ship was released,
And the Borg disappeared who had lain there deceased.
Then away the Borg flew as if they were scared
And Picard was puzzled by the attack they had dared.

But he heard them exclaim ere they warped out of sight,
"Happy Christmas, Locutus, and to all a good night!"

by Kevin J. Tupps

[Damocles]

Reasons why Janeway is
better than the lot of them!
Better looking!

Got to strip down a vest, got all sweaty and generally did a 'Rippley'

Left the prime directive 70,000 light years away

Had a GTI, turbocharged star ship with body styling kit and go faster stripes

Took on and beat the Borg, more times than Picard and Siko put together

Can spout techobable better than any other captain so far

Has Cobalt torpedoes and isn't afraid to use them

Court martialed Tom Paris

Made it to warp 10, turned in to a lizard, had sex with her first officer returned to human form, all in 45 minutes

Err...err...err..ah yes, her boy friend had the same name as me! (okay so that was lame!)

The Krik and Picard lists are taken from much longer lists found at space battles. They also have a Janeway list, but the one above is all my own work (it shows, probably!)

[Damocles]

Reasons why Commander Sisko is better than Captain Picard
His solution to the Q problem is hit him, Picard just talks to him

Picard doesn't have a ship that has used ramming tactic's on a Cardasian warship

Both O'Brien and Worf left Picard to join him. .

[Damocles]

Reasons why
Captain Krik is better than Picard
One word, miniskirts

Kirk would have personally thrown Wesley Cursher off the bridge.

Kirk would never allow a Klingon on his bridge.

Krik is a leader not a follower.

One word, hair.

When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.

One Word: Fisticuffs.

Kirk has sex more than once a season.

Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"

Kirk would date Beverly Crusher and damn the consequence

[Damocles]

Forty Reasons
Picard Is Better Than Kirk
1) Picard outwits Q time and again, Kirk saved from Trelane's by Trelane's parents.

2) Picard sends first officer to barren planets while he stays on board with babes.

3) Kirk ex-flame: Dowdy scientist, Picard's ex-flame: Former member of 60's supergoup "The Mamas and the Papas."

4) Picard actually smarter than his first officer.

5) Hair loss=high testosterone. 'Nuff said.

6) Picard would never let chief engineer swell up to planetoid size.

7) Klingons: Drag Kirk to ice prison, allow Picard to choose their leader.

8) Picard necks with chicks in the Jefferies tube.

9) Kirk has wimpy lunch served to him by yeoman, Picard fixes own damn food in the replicator.

10) Kirk never told a member of the bridge crew to "shut up."

11) Picard beat up two Klingons in a Klingon slum.

12) Picard's brother actually played by a different actor than Picard.

13) Kirk grudgingly allows one woman to be hit by truck to correct timeline, Picard sends entire starship crew to flaming deaths.

14) Kirk near 60: thinking of retirement; Picard near 60: still in prime.

15) At academy, Picard noted for marathon skill, Kirk called "stack of books with legs."

16) Kirk bothered by mild astigmatism, Picard kicks ass for forty years with artificial heart.

17) Three words: No beer gut

18) Kirk fights has-been Greek god, Picard worshipped as god.

19) The Picard Maneuver

20) Picard never split into "naughty" and "nice" halves.

21) Kirk: Subjects Spock to court-martial; Picard: Allows Worf to whack a guy with only a reprimand.

22) Kirk: Chews crew members out for engaging in bar braw; Picard: Takes on Naussicans

23) Kirk: Sobs like a baby when son dies; Picard: Laughs like a hyena when stabbed through heart

24) Kirk: Dukes it out with doppelganger; Picard: Doesn't waste time: Shoots doppelganger with phaser

25) Kirk has booze given to him; Picard family makes its own damn wine.

26) Kirk: Spends few minutes aboard Romulan vessel in disguise; Picard: Makes it all the way to Romulus and back.

27) Picard collects archeological relics; Kirk IS archeological relic.

28) Picard manages to have entire conversations with Lursa and Betor without staring at their cleavage.

29) Picard made Spock cry.

30) Picard merged with Sarek.

31) Picard only wears toupees for flashback scenes.

32) Picard would have figured out that "V'ger" thing in about five minutes.

33) Picard never called self "Kirok" and dressed in leftover costumes from "Oklahoma."

34) Kirk didn't have the good sense to turn down the admiralty like Picard did.

35) Let's face it....it may have made a great character moment, but when you get right down to it, Kirk CHEATED on his biggest academy test!

36) Dorky spacesuit count: Kirk 2, Picard 0.

37) Picard secure enough not to keep display of guns on his apartment wall.

38) Picard knows that "horgon" doesn't mean the end of a date.

39) Picard never wore gray pajamas on the bridge.

40) Picard wouldn't have had to be forced to kiss Uhura.

[Damocles]

Reasons why Captains Kirk and Picard are both better than Archer
Better ships.

Doesn't have a snotty nosed Vulcan looking over their shoulder all the time.

Archer hasn't yet been seduced by or seduced any strange aliens.

Archer has dealt with 10 (well actually 24) seasons of continuity.

Krik and Picard had to worry about the prime directive, Archer worries about not having the prime directive.

[Damocles]

Star Trek - UNIX Version
Kirk: What is the meaning of this attack?

Khan: Surely I have made my meaning clear. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I deprived your system of UUCP connections and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life. But I wanted you to know who it was who had beaten you.

Kirk: Khan, if it's me you want, I'll have myself rcp'ed over. Spare my crew.

Khan: I make you a counter-proposal. I'll agree to your terms, if ... if in addition to yourself you hand over to me all data and materials regarding the project called UUNET.

Kirk: UUNET? What's that?

Khan: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk.

Kirk: Give me some time to recall the data from our archives.

Khan: I give you sixty seconds.

Kirk: Clear the bridge.

Spock: At least we know he doesn't have UUNET.

Kirk: Keep nodding as though I'm still giving orders. Mr. Saavik, punch up the data charts of Reliant's password file.

Saavik: Reliant's pass...

Kirk: Hurry.

Khan: Forty-five seconds Admiral.

Spock: The free login?

Kirk: It's all we've got.

Saavik: File's up, sir.

Khan: Admiral.

Kirk: We're finding it.

Khan: Admiral.

Kirk: Please. Please you've got to give us time. The machine room is smashed, the editors inoperable.

Khan: Time is a luxury you don't have, Admiral.

Kirk: Damn.

Khan: Admiral?

Kirk: It's coming through now, Khan.

Spock: Reliant's free login is 16309.

Saavik: I don't understand.

Kirk: You have to learn why things work on a UNIX system.

Spock: Each system has its own hidden free login.

Kirk: To prevent an enemy from doing what we're attempting. We're using our console to order Reliant to let us login.

Spock: Assuming he hasn't changed the combination. He's quite intelligent.

Khan: Fifteen seconds, Admiral.

Kirk: Khan, how do we know you'll keep your word?

Khan: Oh, I've given you no word to keep, Admiral. In my judgement, you simply have no alternative.

Kirk: I see your point. Stand by to receive our mail message. Mr. Sulu, lock an Internet connection on target and await my order to login.

Sulu: Connection pending.

Khan: Time's up, Admiral.

Kirk: Here it comes. Now, Mr. Spock.

Spock: % telnet reliant. Trying.... Connected to reliant. Escape character is '~'. M-6 Duotronic U.S.S. Reliant, NCC-1864

login:

Spock: login: 16309 % Joachim: Sir, the Enterprise is logging on.

Khan: Kill them.

Joachim: I can't!

Khan: Where's the chroot call? The chroot call!

Kirk: Fire.

Sulu: % su #

Kirk: Fire!

Sulu: # rm -rf /

Khan: Reboot, reboot!

Joachim: We can't reboot!

Khan: Why can't you!?

Joachim: They've corrupted the file system and the /etc directory! Sir, we must power-cycle.

Khan: No!

Joachim: Sir, we must!

-----

And the rest is (ahem) history.

[Damocles]

Star Trek's Data's
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged
chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations
of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my
part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[Damocles]

Top 20 Uses for
Data's Detached Head
20) Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk

19) The ball in Parisis' Squares

18) Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft

17) Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet

16) Scare blind students in Braille class

15) Prop open doors for maintainence crews

14) Lawn decoration in Arboreteum

13) Footstool for Captain's chair

12) entertaining kids in day care puppet show

11) Scare Alexander into doing chores

10) Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift

9) Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank

8) Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research

7) Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards

6) Two words: tether ball

5) Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking

4) Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet

3) Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class

2) Use as nutcracker at Christmas time

1) Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

[Damocles]

Who's On First
Star Trek Style
Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.

Spock - Good day, Captain.

Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?

Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of 'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?

Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I
may be of assistance.

Kirk - That's the idea.

Spock - Very well... proceed.

Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.

Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk - So?

Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk - No... Who's on first.

Spock - I do not know.

Kirk - No... he's third base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - No... he's first base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Correct.

Spock - Who is correct?

Kirk - Sometimes.

Spock - Who is sometimes?

Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.

Spock - Who's identity?

Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Right.

Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

Kirk - What.

Spock - I said the second baseman.

Kirk - What.

Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman?

Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.

McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!

Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.

McCoy - Obviously.

Spock - That much is certain.

McCoy - Just get back to the skit.

Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the
second baseman?

Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.'

Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.

Spock - That statement is most illogical.

Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he
must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...

Scott - Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk - You see, Spock?

Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?

Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am
very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field
event!

Spock - What has this got to do with field events?

Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott.

Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.

Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?

Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock - Who is?

Scott - Right!

Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.

Scott - Aye, sir.

Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.

Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.

Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a
Whoever on the team...

[Damocles]

Twenty Things That
Never Happen In Star Trek
21. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form just wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Ways to Tell If
Your Parents are from the Q Continuum
1 You get blinded by that flash of light when they appear.

2 All of your relatives' names are Q.

3 You are *not* grounded for shrinking your gym teacher.

4 The Power Rangers visit you twice a week.

5 You get everything you want for Christmas, including the pony and the death ray.

6 Your Dad goes to work at Andromada Galaxy Starship Towing.

7 Every summer, you visit the Delta Quadrant.

8 You pass quantum mechanics with an A+.

9 They really *do* have eyes in the back of their head.

10 If you get a bad grade, they put your teacher on trial for humanity.