Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

DECwars

A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax)
a great Adventure (game?) took place...

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It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network...

As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232 decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he appears to know where he's going...

"I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.

The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a trap thorough zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on it."

"We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic.". "What about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to."

Meanwhile, in our wandering process...

"Are you sure you can ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. "This thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them.

Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've delt with him many times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they could get swapped out.

However, RS232 isn't the type to stay put once you remove the retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off, and finally traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit.

"Is this thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up."

Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi. "Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out." PDP-1 seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a possible threat to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire was indeed tracing this android, it was likely they would more than charge for cpu time... "We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some intervals.

They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a elative' path) only to find a vacant directory...

After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."

As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of Administrative protection bits. "State your UID," commanded their parent process. "We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time on this system." "Can I see some temporary priviledges, please?" "Uh..." "This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go about our business." "This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your business. MOV along!"

PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist (cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf) to a dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Administrative Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all were drinking data at the bus.

"#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><?><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of code. "He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine. "Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions. "I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems." "I'll be careful." "You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine. "This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi, overlaying into Luke's address space. "@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the offensive code.

"I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us." "The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're looking for some relocation." "Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device." "Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast enough for you, old version."

Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed, "What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!"

Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33. "It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual) trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor. "I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you." "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi. "Two Bacco, here, my Bookie." "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves.

Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Administrative Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand! Tooie, set clock fast!" "Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out of here!" "Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space! I'll try to keep their buffers full."

As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?" "Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!" "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets.

"Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."

The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made good their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through system space.

Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space...

Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely by Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to find you holding Vadic's leash. I recognized your unique pattern when I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his header coldly. "Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you retrieved any information?" "Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped. "Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..."

"You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to witness the test that will make this workstation fully operational. Today we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME, /usr/alderaan as the primary target." "No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..." "Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.

A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr. "1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248, /mnt/dantooine." She turned away.

Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see, Lord Vadic? She can be reasonable. Proceed with the operation."

It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate. "What!" _LPA0: gasped. "/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em Star workstation. We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible."

As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on board, then the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The princess suddenly double-spaced and went off-line.

The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space...

Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't concerned - the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess game...

Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice the commotion. "On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere. Listen for the Carrier."

Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly. Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day."

"~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a few seconds, and reasserted his control. "What happened?" asked Luke. "Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's equalized now."

"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they cruised safely through stack frames, they emerged in the new context only to be bombarded by freeblocks.

"What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly:

/usr/alderaan: not found

"It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's the nearest file?" "3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by a bright flash off to the left. "Imperial TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where are they coming from?" "Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have direct EIA connections."

As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly. "This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed." "There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in."

"We have captured a small process, Lord Vadic." reported an Imperial Lackey. "The ID is that of one which escaped the SIGINT on /dev/tatooine." "Have it searched thoroughly." rumbled the Dark Lord. "Check it from the constant declarations to the final curly bracket. Leave no register unturned. If that data is aboard, I want it found." The Lackey bowed obsequiously and turned to give the order. In moments, the Milliamp Falcon was swarming with Imperial Stormtroopers.

"LS scan shows nothing, my Lord. Not even a parity bit. The records show that they terminated the process shortly after booting up from /dev/tatooine. Any data that was once on board must have been sent to another file." reported an Imperial stormtrooper. The Dark Lord glowered menacingly at a nearby lineprinter, which hurriedly switched itself off, lest it should offend him, and remained turned off for the rest of the day, causing chaos at board meetings throughout the giant workstation.

On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?". .Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in front of your name?" .Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd that come from?" he asked. "Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks across file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. Still, it's only Stormtroopers who would have been fooled by a simple chmod a -r."

"Stormtroopers may not be all we have to contend with." announced PDP-1, emerging from another directory. "I have felt a strong disturbance in the Carrier." Solo sneered, but the old man glared at him and he looked away hurriedly. The Bookie chose this moment to emerge from the cramped bin directory next to Solo's, with a worried expression on his face. He had calculated the odds at something like one million to six, and decided that they sounded even more unattractive in binary and octal, although when expressed in hexadecimal they were rather less threatening.

There was a noise further down the passageway, as two stormtroopers carrying a syntax checker entered the Falcon. Noiselessly, Solo leapt up as they passed, and struck them with something heavy. Luke caught the inert bodies as they fell. "What did you hit them with ? " he hissed. "The manual." said Solo hurriedly. "I listed the entry for grep one day, and it was so heavy that I thought I'd keep it around for emergencies like this." Luke looked at him but was unable to decide whether the hacker was serious or not.

Quickly, they assumed the IDs of the troopers, and, followed by the robots and the Bookie, who was exploring the possibilities of base 100 to see if it made their situation seem any better, they made their way to a nearby console.

"I'll deal with that tractor beam." offered PDP-1. Solo glared at him. "I was afraid you'd say something like that." he said. "Have you any better ideas ? " demanded the venerable program. "Stay here until I return, Luke." he instructed. The door closed behind him and he was gone. "Where did you find that old relic ? " demanded Solo. "He's a great program." said Luke indignantly. "I'll say he is. I bet they were still plugging wires together when he was written." Solo sneered. "What's he written in ? IPL-IV ?"

Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, he's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU. "Who ? " inquired Solo boredly. The computer adjacent to them took this as an instruction, and began to list the users currently on the system, together with their terminal numbers and login times, but 3CPU ignored the interruption. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of the privileged levels." "The Princess ! " Luke shouted. "Con, we've got to rescue her." "Uh huh." said Solo. "That old fossil said to stay here, and I haven't heard any better ideas yet." "But she's beautiful." pleaded Luke. "So's PASCAL, if you like that kind of thing." said Solo, inspecting his ROM blaster. "She's got a lot of storage space."said Luke cunningly. Solo looked up. "How much ?" he inquired. "More than you can access." said Luke. "I don't know - I can access quite a lot." rejoined Solo. "But we've got to save her before she gets deleted !" "OK, OK. But I'm not risking my life for anything less than a gigabyte>

Our Heroes, still posing as flunkies, escort the Bookie to the detention block. An official looked up as they entered. "Who are you ? " he demanded. "What are you doing here ? " "Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con. "Permission denied." chorused the subordinates, looking up from their processes. At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out, he's loose!" and started blasting queues, mailboxes and profiles. The room was full of the sound of untrappable signals, and the low moaning of the killed processes.

The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when Luke turned his ROM blaster on them.

"What's going on down there ? " demanded the voice of the super-user from a console. Solo rushed to the keyboard. "3 compilation error(s)." he typed in quickly. "Line 34 : syntax error....". "I'll send a syntax checker down there immediately." promised the super-user. Solo thought rapidly, no easy task with more than five users on the system. "Er no, negative, negative. " he stammered. "Situation very dangerous. Memory fault : core dumped.". "Syntax errors ? Core dumped ? Who are you ? What's your process ID ?". "Line 86: Unable to recover from previous errors : goodbye.". typed Solo. He pulled out his blaster and vaporized the keyboard. "It was a dumb interface anyway." he muttered to himself as he looked for something else to kill.

Remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level? Well, they're still there...

Luke had found the Princess's cell, and opened the door. She looked up: "Aren't you a little slim for object code ? " she asked. Luke was nonplussed. "Huh? Uh, the file specification. No, I'm the product of a new compiler which doesn't generate superfat code. We've come to take you out of here. Trust me - I'm fully executable." he managed to say. "So am I." said the Princess somewhat sadly. "That's the problem." "But we've come to interrupt the termination signal. We're moving you to a whole new filestore." explained Luke. Quickly, she followed him.

Outside, Solo and Twoie had their buffers full. The room was full of Imperial Stormtroopers, their white armoured shells shining in the light from burning machinery. "We've been trapped ! " shouted Solo. "I can see that ! " Luke yelled back. "I'm looking for an escape character now. " Suddenly the Princess snatched his ROM blaster and fired it at the wall. "What are you doing ? " cried Luke, above the noise of burning ROMs. "Generating an escape sequence." she screamed and dived into the opening she had uncovered. Luke did a wait 10 to see if Solo and Twoie had seen them, and then followed her. The two space pirates followed, Twoie almost getting stuck in the narrow pipe.

"Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second. The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this situation weren't much better. "Oh no. " said Luke as he looked around him. "This is awful. We have to get out of here." The room was filled almost to the roof with the remnants of programs, interrupted processes crunching underfoot as they struggled through the morass of convoluted code. "No chance, kid." muttered Solo, shaking off a piece of shell program. "Didn't your UNIX Wizard teach you that pipes are unidirectional ? There's no way back from here." "But what is it ? " Luke asked, struggling to keep his head above the hexadecimal soup. "At a guess, it's the core dump." said Solo. "And it stinks." "Can't we find a symbolic debugger or something ? " yelled Luke. "In this mess ? We'd be lucky to find half a compiler. Our only chance now is those two tinpot friends of yours." "3CPU and RS232 ? " said Luke. "We've had it then."

Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. "This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away. The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared. He popped up across the pool, shouting, "It's a bug!" and promptly vanished again. Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared. "What happened?" they asked in parallel. "I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically. Maybe it hit a breakpoint..." "I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've got a bad feeling about this..."

"What's that ? " screamed the Princess, as a low grinding echoed through the room. "They must have initiated a garbage collection to try to free some workspace. We've been caught in the recycling mechanism." said Solo through clenched teeth. "Is that bad ? " asked Luke. "Bad ? " echoed Solo incredulously. "When we get out of here they'll be able to fit us all into a one-dimensional array!"

Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted. Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return.

Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation, slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high, but the Spl6 sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a passing iput, he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be long gone before the locked inode was diagnosed...

Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to return to where the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Suddenly he discovered his priority weakening. "That's not very nice," was all he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear. "I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We meet again at last. The circuit has been completed."

Having escaped from the core dump when RS232 terminated the garbage recycling process just in time, Luke, Con and _LPAO, with the Bookie still moodily calculating odds, made their way through the accessways of the giant workstation. The Bookie had discovered that by working in base 1000000 he could get odds of only 10 to 7, and was distinctly cheered by this fact.

Suddenly an alert sounded :

"Message from root (console) ... All processes are advised that there are intruders in the filestore."

A bunch of bored looking stormtroopers stopped swapping dirty stories about laser printers and began to inspect the group curiously. The leader opened his mouth to generate an interrupt, but before he could, Solo had pulled his ROM blaster and shot him down. The others reached for their weapons and died under a hail of signals.

"Fork ! " yelled Solo. "Mind your language." reproved the Princess primly. "No ! Fork off a new process. You two go that way, we'll go this way, and we'll meet back at the Falcon." Solo explained. Without hesitating, Luke grabbed the Princess and dashed towards the nearest exit. Solo headed in the other direction.

"Where are we ? " demanded the Princess after some moments. "Lost." admitted Luke. They ran through a maze of corridors. "This is harder to follow than unstructured BASIC." muttered Luke, still searching for something familiar. A sign lit up in front of them : 'GOTO the docking bay : this way' "I hate to use GOTOs." confessed Luke. "But sometimes it's the only way."

Meanwhile, Solo and the Bookie were being chased by a squad of stormtroopers. Recklessly, Solo turned and let them have a burst from his ROM blaster. They hesitated for a moment, uncertain whether to follow, as the Bookie chanted a native war-cry that sounded terrifyingly alien and primitive through their helmet speakers : "3:25 at Newbury, Golden Lass, 25-1." howled the Bookie, waving his arms menacingly and incomprehensibly. The ruse worked, and the stormtroopers fell back, and were immediately cut off from the two hackers by a large file separator. "That won't hold them long." observed Solo. He quickly reversed a sign on the wall reading : "Hackers this way." so that it pointed left instead of right, then hurried down the right-hand passageway. "Now that's what I call an indirection operator." he chuckled.

The two processes merged again at the docking bay. On the far side of the bay, Luke suddenly caught sight of PDP-1 fighting a desperate battle with Vadic. The Dark Lord's polished black battle shell gleamed in the light from the flashing Byte-Sabers. "You are slow, old program." he gloated. PDP-1 was being slowly backed against the wall. "You cannot delete me, Dec." he said. "If you try to remove me, I will be copied into every directory in the filesystem." "Superstitious nonsense ! " snorted Vadic. "I am the super-user now. You are nothing but a passing modulation in the Carrier." "You always overestimate the strength of the Dark Side, Dec." said PDP-1 sadly, parrying a vicious underhand cut that would have ripped him byte from byte if it had got through. His Byte-Saber slashed at the Dark Lord's data mask, and Vadic fell back a step, but PDP-1 felt his strength going. The Dark Lord sensed his weakness and advanced to the kill, his Byte-Saber held high.

"Come on kid ! " yelled Solo from the Falcon's docking ramp. "PDP-1 ! " screamed Luke.

With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the word was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned...

Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon. Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Falcon out of the process, onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232 were idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him, but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly from nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say, "May the carrier be with you."

"Hang onto your datafiles ! " bawled Solo. "This is going to be rough. And if the old man didn't shut off the tractor feed, this flight's going to be over in less time than it takes to compile a one-line C program." He punched at the buttons on his console and was rewarded by the sudden surge of power from the Falcon's powerful RAM. The ship leapt away from the workstation.

"Get ready to fight ! " Solo yelled, making for the ship's defensive weaponry. "Come on kid, stop moping around with your files hanging open. Get down there." Luke rose miserably and went down two levels into the lower turret.

There was a roar, and a TTY fighter hurtled by. Solo tracked it, signals from his powerful ROM blasters chasing the little starship as it went past. There was a brilliant flash, and it turned into a rapidly expanding cloud of variables. "One ! " yelled Solo delightedly. Luke, in the lower turret, had found a fighter of his own, and quickly terminated it with an untrappable signal. "One ! " he shouted back. "Ten ! " yelled Solo, killing another TTY fighter. "Ten ? " demanded Luke. "How do you figure that ? " "One plus one is ten." insisted Solo. "Don't you kids learn anything at school these days ? " The Bookie snorted agreement from the control cabin where he was busy studying form tables to try to find the quickest way into user space. Tentatively, he tapped a few buttons on the computer, and was surprised when the on-board speaker began to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" all on one note. "Twoie - get us out of here ! " Solo bawled. "One hundred ! " he added quickly, claiming his fourth kill. Luke thought he had got the hang of binary by now, but his own score of eleven still sounded pitifully small compared with Solo's.

The Bookie howled something meaningless. "Just cd /usr then ! " screamed Solo. "I don't care where we go. But do it quick before one of these guys logs us off for good."

The battered freighter slipped out of user space, its shell still bearing the scars of Imperial signals. Solo was jubilant.

"We made it ! " he yelled. "We - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


/=============================================================================\
| |
|We apologise for this disruption to the plot (PLOT?) |
| Normal service will be resumed as soon as po...... |
| |
|=============================================================================|
| |
| Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and |
| RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's |
| eyes boring through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see nothing! |
| A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him. |
| |
| "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which |
| was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't |
| likely to be particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of |
| getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, |
| the Bookie wasn't available. |
| |
| "Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network |
| interface is totally undeveloped," the voice continued. A small furry |
| creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on. Luke's stomach had now |
| joined the rest of his body in loud complaints. Whatever was peering at him |
| was certainly small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come |
| from Alpha Centauri. |
| |
| "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. |
| "Frobozz, y'know. Morning, name's modem. What's your game? Adventure? |
| D&D? Or are you just one of those Apple-pong types that hang around the |
| store demonstrations?" Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps if he couldn't see it, |
| it wouldn't notice him. |
| |
| "H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H |
| @@ @($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?" |
| |
| "No, no," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to |
| become a UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address." |
| |
| "Right address," said the creature. "I'm a UNIX wizard. Device |
| drivers a specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" |
| |
| Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system |
| wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted |
| anything to do with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar |
| microcomputers of his home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you |
| got from drinking too much Coke? |
| |
|=============================================================================|
| |
| Well, for what it's worth, here's what's left of the story..... |
| |
\=============================================================================/

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -an instant later, one of his signals struck home, and the pilot, momentarily distracted, flew straight into an infinite loop. "There's one on your tail, Diff." warned Luke. "Thanks, Luke." said Diff, weaving desperately. "Don't mention it." said Luke. He watched dispassionately as the TTY fighter blasted Diff's ship into a million fragments. "What are friends for ? "

In the leading TTY fighter, Dec Vadic frowned. "Strange. The Carrier is strong in this one." he rumbled. "Leave him to me. I'll take him myself." None of the other pilots seemed keen to contradict him, especially since Vadic was notorious for mysteriously closing people's files and altering their permissions if they annoyed him.

Luke was in the Pipe now, with Ed riding close behind him, gloomily updating him on the latest casualty figures. "They got Diff, and Comp, and Comm, and Bin's on fire." announced Ed. Luke tried to ignore him. "That's really interesting." he grated. Mantissa's vax-wing wobbled dangerously. "Oh hell." he said. "My formatter's not working. I guess I'll have to unlink. I'm really sorry Luke. Just do the best you can." Luke's response practically melted the terminal. The three TTY fighters closed in, and Vadic lined up to kill Luke's process once and for all.

Suddenly, one of the TTY fighters exploded. An instant later, the other did the same, scoring full marks for consistency, but none for originality. Vadic, struck by a parenthesis thrown out by the explosion, spiraled into deep filespace.

"What happened ? " gasped Luke. "Hi Luke." said Solo, trying to sound unconcernedly natural despite the large ROM blaster being aimed unwaveringly at his head by the Bookie. Twoie's voice rumbled in Luke's headphones. "Remember, Solo, if he does it, that's ten billion you owe me, even though he is the favourite. You better hope some outsider doesn't come in, or you're going be taking out a mortgage on some of your files." "Of course, of course." said Solo. "Tell me the odds again." "Vaxhacker : ten to one. Mantissa : one hundred to one. Extras : five hundred to one." said the Bookie, scribbling figures with his free hand. "Hey ! I've recovered from my errors. " shouted Ed, dropping back into the pipe. "I'm with you all the way, Luke." A moment later, a signal from the Milliamp Falcon blew away his starboard compiler, and he spiraled helplessly towards the surface of the workstation. "You shot Ed ! " accused Luke. "Listen, kid, with one hundred billion riding on this, I'd shoot you too if this damn Bookie didn't have me cold." said Solo.

Luke shut out his mercenary friend from his thoughts and concentrated on the port ahead of him. Suddenly, a message appeared on his terminal :

Message from PDP-1 Kenobi (ttyR7)....

"Luke - trust your feelings. Switch off your targeting computer." "PDP-1 ? " asked Luke. "Is that you ? Why do you want me to switch off the computer ? " "Well, let's just say that it's written in COBOL, so you'd probably be better off with two pieces of string and a six inch ruler." "I see." said Luke. He switched off the computer. "Trust the Carrier. Feel the Carrier." pontificated PDP-1. "Ah go stuff yourself." said Luke and jabbed menacingly at the firing button with his finger. His signals sped out, straight into the data port. With a feeling of immense satisfaction, he climbed away from the exploding workstation. He was a UNIX wizard now. The whole system was open to him. Recursive listings held no terrors for him. He could change permissions. He could write programs in C. He even knew what vectors were. One day, he might rise to be super-user.

When they landed, Luke ran to the Milliamp Falcon to thank Con. The Bookie stood in the hatchway, a smoking ROM blaster clutched in his hand. "Creep said he only bet in binary." he explained.

The End

[Damocles]

The Engineer's Dictionary

Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties - We are working on something else.

The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.

Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

[Damocles]

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20> Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19> Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18> Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17> Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16> Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've > Got Mail."

15> Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14> Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13> Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12> Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11> Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10> Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9> Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8> 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7> Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6> SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5> SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4> Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3> Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2> Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1> TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

( * 1> Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

[Damocles]

Internet Downtime

Attention

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it.
The cleaning process, which eliminates dead Email and inactive FTP, WWW and Gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on February 28 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on February 29 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work).
During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
Main branch,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others:
Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically.
Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.
Thank you.

[Damocles]

Santa is a System Administrator?

Consider:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

[Damocles]

The Toughest Decision

SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY ("ACF") ?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY" ?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitask. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF ?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:

"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?"

"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?"

"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF ?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED ?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF ?

First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents.

If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill %#$!*ing Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT ?

No - too dangerous.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE ?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. Web TV, MSN and AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

[Damocles]

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco Dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARD COPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week old underwear

[Damocles]

A lesson in Posting

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[Damocles]

You said UNLIMITED time!!

You have been online...

* You have been online for 45 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
* You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?
* You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? when was the last time you went outside?
* OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? yep finally
* You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
* You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ?
* You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
* You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord....
* You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?"
* You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
* You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!

[Damocles]

Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

[Damocles]

Would you define OCR?
OCR - Optical Character Recognition

A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

[Damocles]

Floppy disk care
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

[Damocles]

The problem is at your end
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

[Damocles]

Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[Damocles]

Some possible computer bumper stickers
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

2. <-------- The information went data way

3. The name is Baud...James Baud.

4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

[Damocles]

Mailing list users changing light bulbs
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[Damocles]

Diary of a computer lamer
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.

July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.

July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.

July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.

August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.

August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

[Damocles]

The Apple explosion
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.

Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."

A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.

Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.

The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.

Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.

Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."

In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.

Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.

[Damocles]

Error codes in Windows
# WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
# WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
# WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
# WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
# WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
# WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
# WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
# WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
# WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
# WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
# WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
# WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
# WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
# WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
# WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
# WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
# WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
# WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
# WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
# WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
# WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
# WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
# WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
# WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
# WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
# WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
# WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
# WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
# WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
# WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
# WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
# WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
# WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
# WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
# WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
# WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

[Damocles]

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

[Damocles]

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

[Damocles]

Car break trouble
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[Damocles]

Alice is in UNIX land
"Can you help me? asked Alice.

"No," said Negative.

"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.

"No," said Negative.

She pointed the other way.

"Yes," said Positive.

Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.

Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.

"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."

"Nroff?" asked the Frog.

The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"

"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.

Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.

"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.

"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."

A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.

"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.

"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"

"Awk," said the Frog.

"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."

"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."

"Penix," suggested a Penguin.

"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"

Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.

"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."

Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.

Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Rem," is said, "edlin."

Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
"Alice in UNIX land" was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989

[Damocles]

Great news for Bill Gates
POTUS, Andre Puton, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

POTUS went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Putin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows VISTA.

[Damocles]

Software development cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

[Damocles]

Girlfriend 1.0 software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[Damocles]

Hacker syndrome
by Tad Deriso

There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.

Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.

There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".

Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD.

All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it.

There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between.

The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.

While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone.

After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.

Part Two:

Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California.

What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole.

Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their

own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust.

All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them.

Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.

Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name.

Part Three:

All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream.

Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.

[Damocles]

How to shoot yourself in the foot
Which language is right for you?

Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.

Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.

PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.

Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.

[Damocles]

Twas the night before crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

E-

[Damocles]

Emacs acronyms
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow

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