Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

I Remember!

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Grandma smiled and then replied, "I remember."

[Damocles]

I Wouldn't Buy That for a Dollar!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted: No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[Damocles]

In the Navy...

A sailor was using the urinal just as a Marine Drill Sergeant walked in. The swabby buttoned his fly and went for the door. The Sergeant growled after him, "Son, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak!"

Without breaking stride, the sailor replied, "In the Navy, they teach us not to drip on our hands."

[Damocles]

Interpreting for the Godfather

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million buck you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Damocles]

It Pays to Tell the Truth!

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[Damocles]

It's All in the Name...

A young girl asks her mother, "Mum, why is my name Petal?"

Her mother replies, "When you were born, a petal fell on your head."

"Oh," she replies.

One of her sons asks her, "Mum, why is my name Leaf?"

She answers, "When you were born, a leaf fell on your head."

"Oh," he says.

Then the woman's other son goes up to her and asks, "Ngangungunganga?" with an obvious mental problem.

The woman says, "Shut up, Fridge!"

[Damocles]

Just Trying to Help...

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.
Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly. "I'm trying to give up drinking."

[Damocles]

Karate Chop from Japan

A small guy is drinking beer and all of a sudden another punches him and says, "Karate chop from Japan."

The small guy gets up and moves away. The same guy comes again and throws him. He then says, "Judo throw from China".

The small guy goes out and is gone for an hour. He comes back knocks the guy out, and tells the bartender, "When he comes to, tell him a crowbar from Sears."

[Damocles]

Kids Say the Darnedest...

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our 6-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

[Damocles]

Kids Will Be Kids

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."

[Damocles]

I Wouldn't Buy That for a Dollar!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted: No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[Damocles]

Language at the Breakfast Table

Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word tomorrow because it will be fun and bring some excitement to the table. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word tomorrow. The eleven year old decides to use the word 'hell' and the eight year old decides to use the word
'ass.'

The following morning, the mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some Cheerios!"

The mother is furious. She launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words. When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what he wants for breakfast.

"Well, you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Damocles]

Last Meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES????"

"Yes, Strawberries."

He is told "But they are out of season!"

"So, I'll wait..."

[Damocles]

Last Wish

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like
this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

[Damocles]

Laughing Newborn

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.

I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents, but he kept on laughing -- his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

A paediatrician unfolded the baby's tiny fingers, one at a time, to check if his hand was all right.

Guess what he found?

The birth control pill.

[Damocles]

Little Johnny Goes Shopping

Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.

The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."

Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.

The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."

Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."

[Damocles]

Madly in Love

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Damocles]

Motherly Love

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

[Damocles]

My Brother Does It All the Time...

Two guys in a car drive right through the red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.

"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.

The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

[Damocles]

Never Give Up...

A group of senior citizens was chatting.

"My arms are so weak I can barely lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean; my cataracts are so bad I can't see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a lady.

"I can't bend my left knee," said a man.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another chimed in.

"Ever since my stroke my hands tremble," said another.

There was a moment's pause.

"Well, at least we can all still drive!"

[Damocles]

New Clock?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh felgercarb,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[Damocles]

New Paint Job

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk
who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

[Damocles]

Nice Brothel Lady

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.

Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"I'd like to get done," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club," she explains. "To join, you must slip a hundred dollars under the door."

The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears again.

The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get done."

The madam says, "What, again?"

[Damocles]

Ordering Problems

An elderly couple was watching television one evening.

"I am going to get a dish of ice cream now," the wife said.

Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife.

"I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the husband.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs.

His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

[Damocles]

Oriskany Falls

A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

[Damocles]

Paintings

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Damocles]

Pay the Piper

A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave desert. Its the middle of summer and the area is not named Death Valley for nothing, so he decides to hike out. By the time he finally reaches even a dirt road, he is on his last legs and dying of thirst. Up ahead he spots a roadside stand and a shack. He gets to his feet and stumbles up to the stand.

"Water!" he croaks.

Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water," he explains. "My brother Sam, though, he sells bottled water in the shack next door. I sell ties. Wanna buy a tie?"

"No, I need water," the dying man says. He drags himself over to the door of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts to walk in, when Sam, the shack owner, stops him.

"Sorry, can't get in without a tie!"

[Damocles]

Penny for Your Thoughts...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their infant's crib. As she watched him looking down at their very first baby, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[Damocles]

Picture Perfect

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Damocles]

Plane Crash Survivor

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto another huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I'm finally saved!!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!!"