Clean joke of the day. - Page 47

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:13 PM

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

They can start between your ears, Al.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:14 PM

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

What about parents?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:15 PM

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

Yes Al, you didn't. You are a meathead.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:16 PM

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Huh?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:17 PM

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

We are in the solar system, Al, We are trying to GET OUT AWAY FROM YOU!

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:19 PM

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Its not your right to withhold information, Al. You are required by law to tell us when YOU screw up.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:19 PM

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

Huh?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:20 PM

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

He never was.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:21 PM

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

Like that example.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:23 PM

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Time travel is impossible, Al, or we would have sent you into the future to cure you of a fatal condition known as stupidity.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:24 PM

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Same as before.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:25 PM

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

Are we? Are we really, Al?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:26 PM

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

You don't have a choice, Al. You aren't smart enough to fix them.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:30 PM

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Flunked geography, and later divinity school, couldn't make it as a lawyer, turned politician, and failed at that too. Tried college teaching and a beard, failed at those, and now palms himself off as an environmentalist.

Think about that.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:32 PM

More dumb Gorisms.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:32 PM

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Identity crisis.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:33 PM

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

-- Vice President Al Gore

For this guy, that is a profound thought.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:34 PM

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

Huh?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:36 PM

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Yeah? No wonder you flunked law!

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:37 PM

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Is this indicative of NASA failures?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:44 PM

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

The dummy was trying to articulate the water zone which is the distance that a terrestrial planet must be fromm oits star to have liquid water if it has the gravity and the appropriate atmosphere to hold it, but he flubbed it obviously-not understanding the most basic concepts involved. Marrs fots none of the conditions required. On top of that the boob doesn't realize that Mar's atmosphere is CO^2 and that it is thinner than Earth's at 100,000 meters?

Remember that guy is an environmentalist!

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:45 PM

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Vice President Al Gore

What mind, Al? Do you have one?

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:46 PM

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

-- Vice President Al Gore

(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)

Yes it does!

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:47 PM

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

-- Al Gore

Uh, yeah.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:48 PM

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Actually, you've been known to lie, Al.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:50 PM

Not crazy about Bush either.

Bush sues Santa
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

A weary nation can relate.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:52 PM

George Bush campaign slogans
Top George Bush Slogans

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not CCP.

6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7. New justice plan: I won't use any!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore is dumb. (Smartest thing Bush said!)

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:55 PM

Entertain guests
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 05:58 PM

Asking the Wizard of Oz
President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said, "So be it".

Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, "So be it".

Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage". The Wizard granted this wish as well.

And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"

Damocles · April 16th, 2009, 06:01 PM

Helping the United States of America
One night, Fearless Leader was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Fearless Leader didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Fearless Leader asked.

"Go to the theatre."