Clean joke of the day. - Page 23

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:43 PM

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:44 PM

RIP Edgar

If you see this give it a 10.

Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:45 PM

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.

When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
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Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:46 PM

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.

But statistics don't lie.

If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:47 PM

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:48 PM

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.

Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:50 PM

When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

In 24 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93,000 people and saved the world 4,000 times. What have you done with your life?

Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:54 PM

Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.

Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:55 PM

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:56 PM

American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:56 PM

Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:57 PM

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:57 PM

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:58 PM

When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"

When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.

Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 07:59 PM

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:02 PM

"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.

Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:05 PM

The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.

Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.

Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:06 PM

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:08 PM

When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.

When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the psycho kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:09 PM

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:11 PM

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they confessed and went into jail.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:12 PM

Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:14 PM

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:16 PM

When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer"

The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:18 PM

Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."

When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.

Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:20 PM

To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his water, and now they will have a face full of glass.

You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:21 PM

Jack Bauer brought romance back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.

Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon. He pardons the President.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:23 PM

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm dead".

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:24 PM

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.

Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:25 PM

At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession. All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.