Steven Wright-isms:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to get his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
If you are driving your car at the speed of light, and you run on your headlights, do they work?
I came home drunk one night and accidentally put used my car keys in my apartment's door. It started up. So I drove it around for a while. Then I parked it in the middle of the freeway and told everyone to get the hell out of my driveway.
I once put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
bought some used paint - it was in the shape of a house.
In my house there is a switch that doesn't control anything, so every time I walked by it, I would switch it - up, down, up, down. After a month, I got a letter from a woman in Germany. She said, "Stop it".
If you melt dry-ice in a pool, can you go swimming without getting wet?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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