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Old March 27th, 2009, 06:18 PM   #10
Damocles
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Default Re: Top Ten Things Wrong with Star Trek: TNG

Fortunately for "We surrender", Pickacardanycard, Federation enemies come with the famous fifty cue cards of doom!

Quote:
50 Classic Blunders by Star Trek Villains by Richard Colletta aka (RobotNinja of STO forums) (c) 2008


In no particular order here is my list of 50 classic blunders and perhaps crucial missed points by Star Trek villains, pretty much from memory of obsessive StarTrek watching over the years and in part inspired by the Evil Overlord list. Feel free to pass this around, repost it, etc. just please give credit if you do.

1. Invest in weapons that can penetrate Star Fleet's Spandex Uniforms and bypass the invisible character shields that deflect all fatal shots from hitting essential members of the crew.

2. The bat'letH is great for close combat but make it fire lasers too and you've got a winner.

3. Don't waste any time with speeches. Just kill the Enterprise crew and/or destroy the ship whenever the opportunity presents itself. Its relatively easy. Seriously it is.Quoting Shakespeare at Jean Luc is right out.

4. Don't wait 15+ years to exact your revenge on the Enterprise crew. That's a horrible time spent to failed revenge plots ratio. Instead dive right in against Voyager. Even if you only engaged in one nefarious plot per year that's still ups your chances incredibly.

5. Sure exotic mind-controlling eye visors are fun but what about killing crucial members of the Enterprise off one by one, when you have them in your power instead?

6. You never know when multiple Enterprises are going to pop up out of nowhere from the past, future, and/or parallel universes. Have a few extra cloaked Bird of Preys on hand just in case.

7. Don't waste your time with minor and often unnamed crew members. They're basically just meat-shields for the main crew. Somehow they'll probably die on their own if you leave them alone. Make the red-shirt effect work for you!

8. If you see Wesley, kill him. There's no telling when he'll somehow naively blunder, get a lucky shot, or by some form of incredibly dumb luck foil your plot and save the day.

9. It's usually best to keep female operatives out of the picture. Somehow they'll always end up falling in love with the dummy, Riker, and being unable to bring themselves to kill him; or carry whatever nefarious scheme they were sent to carry out.

10. Tachyon trails are not your friend. Perhaps invest in some research on non-tachyon emitting cloaking technology.

11. Once you have captured any of the main crew of the Enterprise
especially if it's Pickacardanycard, don't waste any time on jail, or silly lights
torture, trials, or trying to sway them to your cause. Just kill them.

12. Don't waste your time boarding the Enterprise. Fire the biggest torpedo/missile/laser/etc. you have at your disposal
at the Enterprise-D. If you have a shot then ram them-unless you are that bozo Reman clone of Jean Luc. Then RUN AWAY!

13. Never transfer all shield power to your weapons. The Enterprise-D will either make some daring maneuver flanking you, modify their torpedoes to lock in on your weak point, or Kirk will arrive out of nowhere to save them.

14. Build a ship with no weak points. If your ship has a "weak point" that is where the Enterprise-D will invariably fire their torpedoes.

15. Before engaging the Enterprise-D in battle calculate how many ships it would take to make the battle unfair. Then bring one hundred times that many ships.

16. Whenever your ships greatly outnumber the Enterprise be prepared for surprise support from Starfleet, or neutral parties, or enemies who have had a sudden change of heart because of the extraordinary and selfless gallantry and compassion shown by the Enterprise crew.

17. Never engage the Enterprise in one on one ship combat with no
less than an entire battle fleet laying in ambush.

18. Once you have captured Pickacardanycard, tie him up and gag him.
Don't allow him to talk. If he does he will invariably seduce you and/or engage you in a moral diatribe that makes you rethink your evil ways, or realize you're not so different, or far more likely bore you to death..

19. Turning yourself into a doppelganger of Pickacardanycard or other crucial crew member never works. When it comes down to "Shoot him!" "No! Not me...him!" the doppelganger will always be the one who gets killed.

20. If you capture any crucial members of the Enterprise, even the incompetent doctor, Beverly Crusher, before you kill them, don't leave them in the vicinity of any basic or mundane implements. They could fix a warp engine with a paperclip and kill you with a cup of earl gray tea..

21. Never use a holo-deck. You wouldn't believe the shenanigans the Enterprise gets into with that thing. You'll increase your own life expectancy astronomically if you just stay away from it.

22. The Enterprise crew travel through time, all the time. We'll assume you can too. Travel back and forward in time and leave ambushes and assassins littered throughout. If you find Data's head, foir example, feed it tom a trash compactor.

23. If you value your life, stick to killing off non-essential crew of the Enterprise. If you directly go after the Captain or other crucial crew members you've already signed your death warrant.

24. If inexplicably you do manage to kill a crucial crew member of the Enterprise make sure you go to any alternate universes and kill them there too.

25. This is a no-brainer but if you have managed to capture a crucial member of the Enterprise *before you kill them* don't bring them any food or go into their cell to check on them if they're sick or something. You're going to kill them anyway. Why break out the hospitality cart and get yourself killed by "the prisoner escape?"

26. Never mortally or fatally wound a crucial member of the Enterprise and then leave them. Make sure you finish them off. After you kill them take their pulse. Make sure they're not in some sort of mental or psychic hibernation either.

27. If you happen to kill the Captain or another crucial member of the Enterprise crew, quickly strip them naked and throw their body into a meat-grinder.

28. Don't make elaborate plans. They always fail.

29. Don't waste your time trying to kill Data. He always comes back to life. Best to avoid him altogether.

30. never employ a Vulcan or half-Vulcan as a spy. Pickacardanycard will
always win them over or over-power them.

31. Don't waste your time trying to take over Data's mind. He will inevitably regain control of his mind and then use what he's learned of your inner workings and plots to foil you. Feed him to a trash compactor instead

32. Never make a nefarious trap whose only means of escape is
solving some elaborate riddle in time. Someone on the Enterprise (Wesley)
will solve it.

33. If you have managed to isolate or capture a crew member of the Enterprise make sure you cut off any and all means of communication between them and any other Enterprise crew.

34. Beware of Troi. In the most unlikely situation, she the most useless a crew member of the ship, may thwart you via empathy. If at all possible find a way to jam psychic communications. A spaghetti strainer will do. Make all your captives wear them.

35. Whenever dealing with primitive civilizations the Enterprise crew will meddle whenever possible. They will inevitably give them the technology they need to thwart you and you take the heat for them violating the Prime Directive.

36. Never announce to the Enterprise crew that they have a set amount of time before your nefarious scheme or trap culminates.

37. Don't bother trying to kill Data. They've got plenty of spare parts. Believe me. Slag him after he comes out of the trash compactor.

38. Never create a nefarious scheme that involves blinding the entire crew. They've already got a blind guy.

39. Don't try to put the moves on Deanna Troi if you don't want faceful of Riker's hairy fist in your mouth.

40. If you're dead set on getting it on with Deanna Troi try doing it telepathically. That's your best bet. Don't forget the spaghetti strainer though.

41. If possible place the Enterprise crew into a situation that will lead to Deanna Troi having to "take the helm". Have an ambush waiting on the closest planet for when she crashes the ship. Honestly...you'd think the Enterprise would have some sort of Deanna Troi-Autopilot mode for those situations. Luckily, they don't.

42. If you're a member of Starfleet with a nefarious scheme, don't give it a code-name and encrypt the files. Rest assured they'll be found out by Barclay, the nerd, before your plan comes to fruition.

43. Don't waste your time creating an elaborate holo-deck simulation that will trap the Enterprise crew. Just kill them.

44. Never trigger your ship's self-destruct sequence while you have Enterprise crew members aboard. They'll get away one second before it explodes. You won't.

45. When planning an evil plot always account for the "Q" factor.

46. Never look directly at the Captain or his bald-headed dome. You will
instantly fall in love, be hypnotized by your reflection, or both.

47. No matter how deadly accurate you are with a phaser some dim
-witted unessential crew member will always get in the way of your shots, so use a plasma granade instead..

48. Before going forth with any diabolical plan, make sure the Enterprise crew hasn't turned the tables on you and put you in a holo-deck simulation designed to make you sympathize with their
point of view.

49. With every evil plot anew, fire all your previous henchmen and lower the odds that one of them is an undercover operative with Starfleet.

50. Before considering going into battle with the Enterprise, or any plot involving the Enterprise or any of the crew do a quick self-check and ask yourself how willing you are to expend the resources needed to carry out your nefarious plot if said plot were 99.9% likely to fail. Also factor in possible death by some sort of Wesley induced horrible explosion.
d.
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