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Old August 6th, 2004, 12:55 PM   #27
jewels
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*answers own question: Pitcher is Tomorrow.*

and now for a trip into classic radio comedy's most loved routine:

Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The
Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as
you're on the team.
Costello: Look, Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all
the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have
to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing
on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but, you know, it seems to
me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar
names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe'
Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see. We have on the bags,
Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is
on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's
on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
Abbott: Well, I should.
Costello: Well, then, who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...






ABBOT AND COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? PAGE 2


Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets
the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first
base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down
and collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is, when you sign up the first
baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.




ABBOTT AND COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? PAGE 3


PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on
first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why, you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say
is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on base?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right. What do you want to know?
Costello: Now, who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?





ABBOT AND COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? PAGE 4


Costello: What am I putting on third?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know
what's the guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?





ABBOT AND COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? PAGE 5


Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want
to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching,
Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets
up. Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts
the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the
guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it
to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE






ABBOT AND COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? PAGE 6

Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's
gotta get it. Now, who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No, you don't. You throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who.
Whoever it is, drops the ball and the guy runs to second.
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws
it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to
Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a
long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on
third, and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

THE END
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