[ravesholpulsar]

A letter to the fans of Galactica old and new…

What goes around comes around. I’ve stood by and watched the tirade of arguments for and against the remake of Galactica. If the Hatfields and McCoys were alive today one wonders which of them would be fighting over which is the more valid show, “classic Galactica” or “New Galactica” or as I prefer to call it: New Coke, old Coke.

I’ve remained what’s called a “lurker” in the internet world lingo and although my time could be best suited in giving my opine on children starving in Africa to the massacre of millions in countries whose names I can scarcely pronounce, I’ve stumbled on this website and was astonished to find the battle of the millennium. Those who profess a love for an old television show and those who can’t wait to embrace a remake (or in corporatese the “re-imagining“).

Well, I’ve seen “Old Galactica” when it first appeared back in the late 70’s. Glen Larson’s legacy showed up on the small tube and reaction was swift: The show looked like it was squeezed out of the sphincter of Star Wars. It was as though network television executives said “You like this sci-fi crap?? Okay then, we’ll give you dump truck loads of the stuff!” And the programming dam broke, unleashing a wasteland of sci-fi shows whose quality swung between thought provoking and just plain insanity. Television executives figured all they needed was outer space, space ships, a few glitzy action sequences and viola! Hit show. Television executives were shocked the so called formula didn’t always work. In fact, it never worked. But let’s be truthful: It was what early pioneer television visionaries would call today “a pretty ****ed up formula if you ask me.”

Let’s fast forward 20+ years. Television and movies went from telling a story to make money to just making money. The bottom dollar has also eclipsed the top. In fact, the phrase “book end dollar” is more appropriate since it’s money at the start and at the end. Everything else in between is just that creamy stuff you find in a Twinkie.

So, now, Galactica which was abandoned on the doorstep of the sci-fi orphanage was given a roof over its head and fed three meals a day was pretty much ostracized by the other orphans of sci-fi and fantasy like Buck Rogers, Holmes and Yo Yo, The 6 million Dollar Man and Fantasy Island only to name a dismal few.

But Galactica, having been created by a producer who was more famous for churning out shows as fast as unbridled Catholics churning out children didn’t expect this “orphan of sci-fi” to garner the attention of a few people who thought this show got a bad rap.

Richard Hatch managed to spend years trying to resurrect a show written off by everyone. And by everyone we’re talking about any species which breathes oxygen. So that narrows down the fans to a few. Who’d want to admit to liking a show that had pyramids, and catchy phrases like Lords of Cobol, The Book of The Word, Felgergarb and Frack???

Poor Glen. Poor poor Glen. He was a producer of the puerile. A purveyor of the putrid. But he was BIG in television. He created the Rockford Files! He even created that show which was on the verge of curing all known diseases like Automan with Desi Arnez Jr.! God bless you Glen. Galactica 1980 was a fluke just like New Coke. Or was it? In fairness to the Glen-meister, he stated ABC tv would have made the show without him. His artistic ethics were teetering between loyalty to his own work and craft or having to pay for the Olympic-size swimming pool in his back yard. Needless to say the fans got Galactica 1980 and Glen got a kick-ass size pool.

So now the sci-fi channel has decided to adopt the adult orphan “Galactica” and give it some spiffy clothes and a Jaguar thanks to Bonnie Hammer of Sci-fi Channel/USA. Battlestar Galactica is an enigma in that it truly fits nowhere but had a compelling story premise: Machines hell bent on wiping our humanity and humanity making a desperate run for its life across the vastness of outer space. It’s a pretty big ass story by any standard. Add Earth’s past history to the mix and suddenly you’re flying high with story potential. And that’s a word you should remember: STORY. A story (even a half decent one) should make you want to turn the page, stay tuned to that channel and hang on the word of the one telling the story. Galactica, wasn’t great television. It wasn’t even so-so television. But it’s idea, its premise was all-too powerful to ignore. In an age of CGI-driven stupidity we are left with so called storytellers like the Michael Bays on the high end and Kevin Smiths on the low end. If Edward D. Wood had been given 100 million dollars to make Pearl Harbor you’d still have the exact same movie you have today. Well, there’d be a few transvestites but it would essentially the same movie okay?

Back to Galactica. A NextGEN Trek producer is in charge. He has been given the reins and as I write this poetic tirade, creating a sleeker, sexier, sweatier, sultrier Galactica. Female pilots sweating. Oh yeah. To hell with The Lords of Cobol and a compelling story. I’ll take the Traci Lords of Cobol and compelling bikinis any day.

And that’s my point.

The days of telling a story to make money died years ago. It’s now a corporate media world we live in. Flashier visuals used to add to the story. Now, it’s flash followed by well, like I said… the stuff they put in Twinkies. I like the creamy stuff too but only in a Twinkie. The new Galactica will certainly have banality. The old show did too. But the difference is that the new Galactica will have newer, better, flashier effects. It will have Colonial Pilot Chicks sweating and mouthing off to their superiors while saving their hormonal driven male counterparts. It will be a banality of a higher budget.

There will be no originality. When confronted with originality, television is like a cornered and wounded animal. It will attack and tear you to pieces.

So while you wait for the creation and unveiling of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA – THE NEXT GENERATION remember one word. It’s a word that doesn’t need CGI effects. It’s a word that can make you laugh, cry, and change your life. It’s a word in the visual and literature world that has driven humanity to create great works of art and inspired music which feeds the soul. And that word is: Drama.

The new Galactica will have neither. Not because it cannot. But because those who have chosen to re-create this show are after “A demographically targeted youth audience”. The show must reflect that. Although it’s Show Business, a business cannot survive (or a tv show or movie or a painter) without first having something to say, believing it and presenting it to illicit a reaction from his or her audience. The new Galactica will suffer as the latest Trek incarnation Enterprise has. Watered down, low quality writing living off an established and recognized name which still generates hundreds of millions of dollars for its studio. Galactica is no different. But it does have the advantage of not having expensive stars and has a potential of creating another franchise for the SCI-FI Channel/USA.

So in plain English, will the RE-imagined Battlestar Galactica suck? Short answer: Yes. Long answer: You betcha.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a Twinkie.