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Old April 20th, 2009, 01:58 AM   #2527
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The Last Person

Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713

Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Most of you are probably familiar with John Gillespie Magee Jr's famous poem. You may be less familiar with its FAA Supplement, or its counterpart for low-level flying...

High Flight
Federal Aviation Administration Supplement 1:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
You have not dreamed of --
Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeled and soared and swung
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.
High in the sunlit silence.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hov'ring there
"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or imact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a diety.

Low Flight

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown my aircraft low enough,
to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills, valleys
and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
the master caution light.
Best wishes;


A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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