I got this from a friend today and had to share it with everyone here
hope you all enjoy!!!
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
To quote 14th oy vey The first female President of the United States``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey
See, people, Compassion isn't dead!
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking
campaign.
If I'm dead, will I really care???
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
Maybe we should try it on that knee between your ears
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
Killing isn't a crime by any chance, is it?`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting
on the release of subpoenaed documents.
Well, that explains who wore the cup in that family````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A democratic
congressional candidate in Texas.
What do you know, an honest politician!
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia
Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
If you only use 1% of your brain!``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al
Gore, Vice President (DUH)
And this guy had an office in the White House???
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
The return of Mr. Potatoe-head``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do
we need?"--Lee Iacocca.
Spoken like a true Big-Three executive. Maybe he should stop puffing on that tail-pipe for a minute.```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback &sports analyst.
And the living proof....
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman,
ROTC Instructor.
uh, excuse me...````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill
Clinton, President.
Is this guy a genius or what???
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." --Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
Can you say that in english please??
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
And I thought that they lived off domestic imports
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances."
I'll be sure to do that!
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake
up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
How comforting.
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Feeling smarter yet?
