Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Top 10 Ferengi Pickup Lines
10. "Nice teeth!"

9. "You know, if we allowed our women to wear clothes, you'd look great in red."

8. "I'm a Daemon hot for gamin'!"

7. "Wanna dance? I'm almost four-foot-six!"

6. "Yep, I must have run away from every ship in Starfleet...."

5. "Need a light?"

4. "Oooh....nice tax avoidance scheme!"

3. "How 'bout I show my my phaser burns?"

2. "Wow! What a lisp!"

1. "You know, in this light....your head looks just like a human butt."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

~~Next Generation meets Dr. Seuss~~



Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how
far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast, but still the trip
will last and last.
We'll have two days til we arrive, but can the Indrans
there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so,
please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we
mustn't, and we shan't.
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the
fire?
Riker: Not me!
Worf: Not me!
Picard: Computer, how long until we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think,
quite safely make,
Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so
it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I
say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives,
our ship and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet!
Data: Which by the way is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We
understand, we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, Please
make it so!
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires, and that's
what started all the fires!
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We
need to go!
Troi: We must seek out this traitor spy, and lock him up
and ask him why.
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say we give him
problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said
that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of
yet?
I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed
to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry
out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die! We must attempt, we must
try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: But they may be dead by tomorrow noon!
Commercial Break, Commercial Break!
How Long Will These Dumb Ads Take?
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig! He's very strong and
very big!
I had my phaser set on stun -- A zip! A zap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall. He would not stun,
no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple,
round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this
creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw,
quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles
now are at an end.
Crusher:Now let's get our ship to fly, and orbit yonder
Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Star Trek: the Lost Episodes
All Our Everydays - The All-Old Generic [and Annotated] (and highly Condensed) ST:TOS Episode... Created By Robert Lentz Captain's log, Stardate 34539.1283 [the numbers get longer every rerun, ever notice that?] The Enterprise is heading for Sigma Beta Alpha (the pledge of half the crew). Almost nothing is happening.
Sulu: We're entering the system. Shall I assume standard orbit?
[Now there's a question. I've always wanted to hear Kirk say: "no, Sulu, I want the weirdest *bizarre* orbit you can imagine! I want us swinging through the treetops one minute and halfway to Eroticon VI the next! Show us your stuff, Sulu baby!"]
Kirk: All right, we're going down. Spock, how many ways are there to get killed on this planet?
Spock: Approximately two, Captain.
Kirk: *Security!* Two security officers. Who's on this week?
Intercom: Lebowitz and Markovitz, sir.
(In background: "I got killed last week, dammit! Send Bernstein!" "Listen, I was chewed into jello twice in one episode just last month! It's your turn!" Etc.)
(They beam down.)
[Kirk gives the orders in his usual inimitable fashion:]
Kirk: Lebowitz, you investigate the strange cave. Markovitz, you gather samples from the twitching plants. ... I'll go seduce the high priestess.
All: Yes Captain. [Which would you rather be?]
(Markovitz goes into the strange cave and comes out in a thousand pieces.)
[We all know what's coming next...]
McCoy: He's dead, Jim! [No kidding. Markovitz falls into a vat of boiling antimatter and Bones says "He's dead, Jim!" "...No Bones, I thought he was just napping on the job!" Well, that's TV writing.]
[We might as well dispose of his other line, too.]
Kirk: It's time for my physical, Bones.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician!
["I'm a doctor, not a ..." fill in the blank.]
["I'm a doctor, not a floor wax!"]
[No, wait, it's the NEW Doctor McCoy -- he's a doctor AND a floor wax! "He's dead, Jim -- but *look* at that *shine*!"]
[All right, now we get down to the meat of the episode.]
Kirk: Spock!
Bones: Jim!
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: Bones!
Scotty: Coptin!
Kirk: Scotty!
Bones: Spock!
Chekov: Keptin!
Spock: Jim!
Bones: Dammit!
Kirk: I want answers!
Scotty: They can't take much more!
[Neither can we.]
Bones: Jim!
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: Bones!
Scotty: Coptin!
Kirk: Kirk to Engineering!
Intercom: I'm sorry... the number you have dialed... is not in service.
Kirk: Whhatt!!?
[and so on.]
[All right, now we come down to the ending. Now, depending on which season the episode was in, there are three endings. They were very strict about this in the editing.]
[In the first season, it was the "test by superior beings" ending.]
Kirk: But what were these Old Ones, anyway?
Amazingly superior being: (appearing suddenly, waving a large magic wand:) Aha, it was all just a test! There's hope for you yet! We're not going to destroy you after all, at least not this century!
[It's always the Old Ones, too. Or the Great Ones. The Something Ones, anyhow. The Blue Ones, maybe.]
[No, the Dull Ones. "We poor inferior beings were put here by the Dull Ones. They put us to sleep for a thousand years. You woke us up, Kirk, so you must die."]
[The second season was the high-tension one. Kirk's on the planet with the hyperexplosive, it's time for a last-minute beam-up, and what's malfunctioning? THe transporter of course! No kidding.]
Spock: (over communicator:) Five. Four.
Kirk: Scotty, hurry up.
Spock: Three. Two.
Scotty: (over communicator:) It's fixed, but I don't...
Kirk: Scotty! Detonate and energize! (pause) No! ENERGIZE and DE... ***haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle***
[But in the third season, it was Spock. See, for the first couple years they hadn't really gotten his chaaracter down, but in the third season it was all well-defined.]
Kirk: Spock! Isn't it true that Vulcans have the ability to tapdance backwards through time while levitating through walls and juggling loaded phasers, blindfolded?
Spock: Yes, Captain, but it requires immense concentration.
Kirk: You'll just have to try, Spock!
Spock: Ommm... oooooo.... Oh, I did it. I guess it wasn't so hard after all.
[What really gets me about Spock is his amazing memory for trivia. Ancient history of a planet he wasn't born on, stellar maps, geography, arts & entertainment... I want to see this man on Jeopardy. No, wait, here's the scenario: Spock, HAL 9000, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, playing Jeopardy...]
AND OUR NEXT ANSWER IS: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY METERS. WHAT'S THE QUESTION? LET'S SEE WHAT OUR CONTESTANTS WROTE! SPOCK?
Spock: "What is the wingspan of a Klingon warship?"
THAT'S CORRECT, BUT IT'S NOT THE QUESTION WE'RE LOOKING FOR. HAL 9000?
HAL: "How wide is the docking bay?"
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT CORRECT.
HAL: Yes it is.
NO IT'S NOT.
HAL: I'll turn off your life support.
WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT!
[After a bit: The scene opens. HAL is missing.]
AND FOR FINAL JEOPARDY! THE ANSWER IS: FORTY-TWO! THE QUESTION IS...? SPOCK?
Spock: "How many roads must a man walk down?"
NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. OBI-WAN KENOBI?
Kenobi: "How many years must I wait in this f****** desert?"
[pause]
NO, WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.
Kenobi: you *can* accept that answer.
WE CAN ACCEPT THAT ANSWER!
Kenobi: Tell me what I've won.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE WON!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Star Trek meets Windows 95
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"
Based on an unoriginal page by Omri Weisman

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Top Ten Mishaps That Happened On Dax's First Mission


10. The minor detail of running over the Stay-puff Marshmallow Man
9. Stopping off to see how the new tribble colony is doing
8. Starfleet stock dropped 500 points
7. Someone switched the spent phaser power packs with plastic flamingos
6. Every television in the universe mysteriously exploded at once
5. The Defiant attracted a wandering temporal vortex. As a consequence, Bill Clinton was never born. No one noticed.
4. Locating the mythical Temple of Shatner's Piece
3. Paying $90 to get Shatner's autograph at the mythical Temple of Shatner's Piece
2. After being away from Worf, realizing that Julian really is way better for Dax. Minor changes are made to the upcoming wedding plans. (wait, this isn't a mishap...)
1. Getting lost in the Argolius Cluster...and having to ask directions from a passing Jem'Hadar ship

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Star Trek Groaners.


Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift weights?
Answer: The "He's dead, Gym"!

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: How many ears does Picard have?
Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: "Make it sew."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "Why did you let Troi win at poker?"
Answer: "Because I Riker."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?
Answer: "It was a good day to dye."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?
Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?
Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: "Captain, we are being hailed."

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter duplicate?
Answer: "We're Number One! We're Number One!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?
Answer: Because one's a Doc, one's a Worf, and one's a Marina.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What does Major Kira's emergency signal sound like?
Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet Academy?
Answer: It's called the Kirk Tenor Prize.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: How many of the Enterprise's senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on their date?
Answer: "I'm BLIND!"

Re: Clean joke of the day.
 

Question: What did Lore use to kill Data's cat?
Answer:Spot remover.