Colonial Fleets - FUNNIEST Thing I've Ever Read!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.* If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better.* For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a Chili Cook-off.* The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the score cards from the advent: (Frank is
Judge #3)

Chili #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy felgercarb, what the hell is this
stuff?.* You could remove dried paint from your
driveway.* Took me two beers to put the flames out.* I
hope that's the worst one.* These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork.* Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver.* They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent Fire house chili.* Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA.* I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite.* Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest.* I'm
getting felgercarb-faced from all of the beer.....

Chili #4 - Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans.* Good side
dish for fish or other mild food, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it.* Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills.* That 300 lb woman is
starting to look HOT.* Just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?.

Chili #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding considerable kick.* Very
impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.* I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage.* Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher.* I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.* It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet.* Aggressive use of peppers,
onions and garlic.* Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous sulfuric flames.* I felgercarb on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair.* No one seems incline to stand behind me except
that Sally.* Can't feel my lips anymore.* I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, taste as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I would not feel a thing.* I've lost
sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
rushing water.* My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth.* My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt.* At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.* I've decided to stop
breathing it 's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.* If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot.* Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, and fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.* Poor fella, wonder
how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?