ravesholpulsar
October 4th, 2003, 10:48 PM
INTERSTELLER MAGAZINE PRESNETS AN INTERVIEW WITH A CYLON
In an effort to present opposing sides as to why the Cylons
despise humans, we thought we'd interview a Cylon. We were lucky enough to bump into one during a "How to write a hit screenplay" seminar
which was held in the Orion Sector of Gamma Hydra Six.
Q: Before we begin with the interview, do you have a name?
CYLON: MY DESIGNATION IS CENTURION ALPHA. BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME GARY.
Q: All right. Tell me Gary, why do Cylons hate humans so much?
CYLON: WE WERE PROGRAMMED TO HATE YOU. ON A PERSONAL NOTE, WE HATE DAVID HASSLEHOFF BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE PROGRAMMED FOR THAT.
Q: Were you there during the assault and destruction of the colonies?
CYLON: NOPE, MISSED THAT. COULDN'T FIND MY EYE THAT DAY.
Q: What's the imperious leader like?
CYLON: VERY IMPERIOUS! THAT WAS A LITTLE JOKE.
Q: What do you do in your spare time?
CYLON: EXTERMINATE HUMANS.
Q: Any hobbies?
CYLON: EXTERMINATING HUMANS.
Q: Let's try a lighter question. Do you watch television?
CYLON: YES, I DO. I ESPECIALLY ENJOY SITCOMS.
Q: That’s nice. What's you favorite show?
CYLON: IT'S CALLED "EXTERMINATE HUMANS".
Q: What's become of Baltar? Any news on the "Treacherous instrument of our destruction?" The man with the "Tongue of an angel but soul of a serpent?"
CYLON: YOU SHOULDN'T LABEL PEOPLE. THAT'S JUST PLAIN RUDE.
Q: The man betrayed his own species! How would YOU describe him???
CYLON: A GREAT DANCER.
Q: What do you think of the remake of the new Galactica?
CYLON: LET’S NOT GO THERE.
Q: A Cylon, squeamish? Come on, what’s your view on the whole reimagining?
CYLON: TWO WORDS: SUCK ASS.
Q: I didn’t realize you had such a colorful vocabulary.
CYLON: I CAN ALSO SAY MOTHERF^*(&%* . BUT I RARELY HAVE A NEED
TO USE IT.
Q: Tell me: Do Cylons dream?
CYLON: EVERY NOW AND THEN. I ONCE HAD AN EROTIC DREAM THAT
INVOLVED ME AND A HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER.
Q: Back to this Galactica re-make. Have you seen the ads?
CYLON: F%&^K YES.
Q: My, you’re vocabulary is becoming a bit “colorful”.
CYLON: LISTEN, I SPENT OVER 1000 YAREHNS TRYING TO KILL YOU
INTERSTELLAR COCKROACHES. WE’RE CYLONS. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO
BE SO SCAREY. WE MAKE YOU PEE IN YOUR PANTS. HAVE YOU SEEN
THE NEWEST CYLONS??? THEY DON’T MAKE YOU SCARED. THEY MAKE
YOU POP A BONER.
Q: And you disagree with the new design?
CYLON: I ASKED THE IMPERIOUS LEADER “HEY, HOW ABOUT MAKING
A MODEL OF A CYLON THAT’S EVEN MEANER, MORE MENANCING AND
SO LETHAL THE VERY SIGHT OF IT WOULD CAUSE TREMENDOUS FEAR?
HE SAID MARKETING RECCOMENDED THAT IF CYLONS HAD LARGE BREASTS AND WORE A THONG HUMANS WOULD COME RUNNING UP TO US
AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO CHASE ALL OF YOU.
Q: So what happened next?
CYLON: I PUT ON A BRA AND PANTIES. NEEDLESS TO SAY NOT A SINGLE HUMAN MALE CAME RUNNING UP TO ME. ON THE CONTRARY, THE ONLY ATTENTION I GOT WAS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT FROM A TOASTER.
Q: Speaking of sexual harassment, you recently wrote your autobiography “Life of a Cylon”. You claim in your book that Commander Adama made sexual overtures at you?? Are you serious? You’re nothing but a liar.
CYLON: CALL ME A LIAR AGAIN AND I’LL BEAT YOUR TONGUE WAFER THIN WITH A MEAT TENDERIZER.
Q: Sorry. So where are you off to?
CYLON: I’M AUDITIONING FOR THE LEAD IN THE MUSICAL “RENT”.
Q: Really?
CYLON: JUST KIDDING. I’M OFF TO EXTERMINATE MORE HUMANS.
Q: Thank you for the interview.
CYLON: MY PLEASURE.
Coming soon: The interview from Interstellar News with COUNT IBLIS!
In an effort to present opposing sides as to why the Cylons
despise humans, we thought we'd interview a Cylon. We were lucky enough to bump into one during a "How to write a hit screenplay" seminar
which was held in the Orion Sector of Gamma Hydra Six.
Q: Before we begin with the interview, do you have a name?
CYLON: MY DESIGNATION IS CENTURION ALPHA. BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME GARY.
Q: All right. Tell me Gary, why do Cylons hate humans so much?
CYLON: WE WERE PROGRAMMED TO HATE YOU. ON A PERSONAL NOTE, WE HATE DAVID HASSLEHOFF BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE PROGRAMMED FOR THAT.
Q: Were you there during the assault and destruction of the colonies?
CYLON: NOPE, MISSED THAT. COULDN'T FIND MY EYE THAT DAY.
Q: What's the imperious leader like?
CYLON: VERY IMPERIOUS! THAT WAS A LITTLE JOKE.
Q: What do you do in your spare time?
CYLON: EXTERMINATE HUMANS.
Q: Any hobbies?
CYLON: EXTERMINATING HUMANS.
Q: Let's try a lighter question. Do you watch television?
CYLON: YES, I DO. I ESPECIALLY ENJOY SITCOMS.
Q: That’s nice. What's you favorite show?
CYLON: IT'S CALLED "EXTERMINATE HUMANS".
Q: What's become of Baltar? Any news on the "Treacherous instrument of our destruction?" The man with the "Tongue of an angel but soul of a serpent?"
CYLON: YOU SHOULDN'T LABEL PEOPLE. THAT'S JUST PLAIN RUDE.
Q: The man betrayed his own species! How would YOU describe him???
CYLON: A GREAT DANCER.
Q: What do you think of the remake of the new Galactica?
CYLON: LET’S NOT GO THERE.
Q: A Cylon, squeamish? Come on, what’s your view on the whole reimagining?
CYLON: TWO WORDS: SUCK ASS.
Q: I didn’t realize you had such a colorful vocabulary.
CYLON: I CAN ALSO SAY MOTHERF^*(&%* . BUT I RARELY HAVE A NEED
TO USE IT.
Q: Tell me: Do Cylons dream?
CYLON: EVERY NOW AND THEN. I ONCE HAD AN EROTIC DREAM THAT
INVOLVED ME AND A HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER.
Q: Back to this Galactica re-make. Have you seen the ads?
CYLON: F%&^K YES.
Q: My, you’re vocabulary is becoming a bit “colorful”.
CYLON: LISTEN, I SPENT OVER 1000 YAREHNS TRYING TO KILL YOU
INTERSTELLAR COCKROACHES. WE’RE CYLONS. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO
BE SO SCAREY. WE MAKE YOU PEE IN YOUR PANTS. HAVE YOU SEEN
THE NEWEST CYLONS??? THEY DON’T MAKE YOU SCARED. THEY MAKE
YOU POP A BONER.
Q: And you disagree with the new design?
CYLON: I ASKED THE IMPERIOUS LEADER “HEY, HOW ABOUT MAKING
A MODEL OF A CYLON THAT’S EVEN MEANER, MORE MENANCING AND
SO LETHAL THE VERY SIGHT OF IT WOULD CAUSE TREMENDOUS FEAR?
HE SAID MARKETING RECCOMENDED THAT IF CYLONS HAD LARGE BREASTS AND WORE A THONG HUMANS WOULD COME RUNNING UP TO US
AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO CHASE ALL OF YOU.
Q: So what happened next?
CYLON: I PUT ON A BRA AND PANTIES. NEEDLESS TO SAY NOT A SINGLE HUMAN MALE CAME RUNNING UP TO ME. ON THE CONTRARY, THE ONLY ATTENTION I GOT WAS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT FROM A TOASTER.
Q: Speaking of sexual harassment, you recently wrote your autobiography “Life of a Cylon”. You claim in your book that Commander Adama made sexual overtures at you?? Are you serious? You’re nothing but a liar.
CYLON: CALL ME A LIAR AGAIN AND I’LL BEAT YOUR TONGUE WAFER THIN WITH A MEAT TENDERIZER.
Q: Sorry. So where are you off to?
CYLON: I’M AUDITIONING FOR THE LEAD IN THE MUSICAL “RENT”.
Q: Really?
CYLON: JUST KIDDING. I’M OFF TO EXTERMINATE MORE HUMANS.
Q: Thank you for the interview.
CYLON: MY PLEASURE.
Coming soon: The interview from Interstellar News with COUNT IBLIS!