Jokes

[ojai22]

What happened to the War of the Sexes thread?

[ojai22]

One day, while a retired gentleman was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river._ When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The man replied that his axe had fallen into the water._ The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked._

The man replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked._

Again, the man replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The retired gentleman replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the man went home happily._

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the retired gentleman's wife fell into the river._ When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife, Karen has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez, as
beautiful as ever._

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked._

Without a doubt, "Yes, my Lord" cried the man.

The Lord was furious._ "You cheat!_ That is an untruth!"

The man replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord._ It is a misunderstanding._ You
see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Hallie Berry._
Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I
will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me._ But Lord, I am a
poor man, on a fixed income and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."


The moral of the story is: WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND USEFUL REASON............!!!!!

Amen
******************************************************

[ojai22]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar._ It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars there.

He approaches the bartender and asks him," What's up with the jar?"_ The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. The bartender says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.__
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands._
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

The man responds," Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,
I can't do all that... it's impossible!"_ "Well, you asked, and I told you...
those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."

Well, time goes on and the man drinks a few, then asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah? "_ He grabs the gallon! of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp._ Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.

Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?" He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[ojai22]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,

the best golfer is a black guy,

the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

the Swiss hold the America's Cup,

France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,

Germany doesn't want to go to war,

and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"

_

[ojai22]

_

Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts

to greet the other in Farsi, the language of

their native country.

_

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously

and said,_ "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"



_
:D

[ojai22]

_

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in

the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes

them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

_

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes

flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

_

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left

home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we

drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for

myself."

_

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

_

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

_

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice

and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to

offer my condolences on your loss."

_

_

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he

laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my

wife and I joined a Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.. . .

_

_. . Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[emerita]

I asked Titon and he said that ThomasG was thining things out and some threads might have been lost accidently.......

[thomas7g]

I didn't delete any threads. When we moved, we switched to a newer version of this program. And well.... some things were lost in the transfer :(

[Flamingo Girl]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' giving him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

[bsg1fan1975]

From information gathered by US Special Forces forays deep into Baghdad, we've been afforded a rare opportunity to glimpse a sample of the former television programming available to the Iraqi citizenry.

IRAQI TV GUIDE

Sunday
8:00pm - My 33 Sons
8:30pm - Osama Knows Best
9:00pm - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00pm - The Kabul Hillbillies

Monday
8:00pm - Husseinfeld
9:00pm - Mad About Everything
9:30pm - Monday Night Stoning
10:00pm - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30pm - Allah McBeal

Tuesday
8:00pm - Wheel of Terror
8:30pm - The Price is Right if Saddam says It's Right
9:00pm - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30pm - Saddam's Wackiest Public Executuion Bloopers

Wednesday
8:00pm - Beat the Press
8:30pm - When Kurds Attack
9:00pm - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30pm - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00pm - Veilwatch

Thursday
8:00pm - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30pm - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00pm - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30pm - Married with 139 Children
10:00pm - Eye for an Eye Witness News

Friday
8:00pm - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30pm - Who's Koran Is It, Anyway?
9:00pm - Teletalibans
9:30pm - Camel 54, Where Are you?

Saturday
8:00pm - Judge Jihad
8:30pm - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00pm - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30pm - Cave and Garden Television
10:00pm - No-Witness News

[Flamingo Girl]

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway
when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it
instantly.

Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da
honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm,
his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in
the other.

"What appen to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and
their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur"
and I have just killed the pig."

[bsg1fan1975]

seen that one before but it was with a jacka$$.

[emerita]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan
went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and
comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"he
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned
ice
cream
truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[bsg1fan1975]

lol ive heard that one too. except it was a 26 yr old widow and it was the fire truck that was responsible.

[Hito]

5 new Med students were gathered around a table, looking at their first cadaver. The head Doctor spoke up, "I have 2 lessons to teach you today..the first is stoicism, which means to be professional at all times." With that, he took his finger, stuck it nearly all the way in the cadaver's butt, and licked it."Now all of you do the same," he said.The students looked at each other nervously, but did as the Doctor told them, each one poking and licking. "the second lesson is Observation." Said the Doc."I stuck in my index finger and licked my middle finger..NOW PAY ATTENTION!"

[Flamingo Girl]

Ewwww.

[bsg1fan1975]

heres a cute one with a baby.

http://www.flowgo.com/refer/redir_ng.cfm?page_id=48583&d=04-18-03

[Flamingo Girl]

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be noneed for control top pantyhose. (An entire garment industry would be devastated.)

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: eat it in the parking lot.


Mary Sue Easter Eggs
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

[emerita]

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."

"In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[Stevew]

http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles2/www.kicken.com-bush.x-ray.swf
:D
S

[dvo47p]

US Central Intelligence Agencey has discovered SOME NEW TOWNS...

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

[emerita]

LOL........those are priceless....

[emerita]

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, PIG!

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.

[BST]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the comer of his eye.

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son, please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, Please knock on this door".

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot
facing another small sign:





GO IN PEACE--YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS!
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[emerita]

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams ... "I said a RICH doctor!"

[Muffit]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

:muffit:

[kingfish]

Sorry I couldn't help myself. :D

[bsg1fan1975]

lol that one is great!

[ojai22]

"Wisdom"


An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his
grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a
terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is
evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies,
false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every
other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child
asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

[ojai22]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids


7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.


10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.


11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.


14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.


18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.


19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.


21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

--------------

[ojai22]

The Urinal is Too High


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

[ojai22]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time
I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right
now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I
then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.

"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned
also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what,
we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way
eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back?

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,
"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[thomas7g]

OH GOD!

I will never use a resteraunt spoon again!!!!

[Guinan]

ROFL!

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

[Guinan]

http://www.nurses-forum.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=495

[Guinan]

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

[Stevew]

Subject: drivers license info for RDM

This is unbelieveable! Please check it out.

YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!!

I just found this.
Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter his name, City and state

http://www.license.shorturl.com
<http://www.license.shorturl.com/>

[Stevew]

Words With Two Meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.v.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion. M
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes

[Guinan]

Isn't that the truth! :D

[Guinan]

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket


Rejected Little Golden Books

1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
10. Strangers Have The Best Candy
11. You Were an Accident
12. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
13. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
14. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
15. Your Nightmares Are Real
16. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
17. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
18. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends

[emerita]

Stevew...just found you George Bush one!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

[ojai22]

All this time I've been thinking I was computer ignorant, and I've been absolutely brilliant!


Amazingly, these are all true stories....


Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you 'ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a
Wall Street Journal article:
- - - - - - - -

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is located.


2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.


4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day. He then removed all the keys and washed them individually.


5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.


6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer,
but that his computer still couldn't "see the printer."


7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After being ensured that the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.



8. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say that her brand
new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and then sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"


9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing some software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized
that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.



10. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting it fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the CD-ROM drive assembly.


11. A woman called the Canon Help Desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."



12. Another true story:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'.

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "C'mon, I'm not going to do that."

[ojai22]

Email from God


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the naughty
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth;
95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "It can't be that bad, maybe I had
better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called
another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what that E-mail said?




No?




I didn't get one either.




[Thanks, Em]

[emerita]

!p you're welcome......they were funny weren't they...

[Stevew]

Neat link
http://www.dribbleglass.com/
:D

[emerita]

very cool......

[emerita]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even fill your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[Guinan]

ROFLMAO!

The "your loving daughter Gail" nearly killed me!
:laugh:

[emerita]

LOL...Shows just how solid us Country gals are...LOL

[ojai22]

ATHEIST AND THE BEAR

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees, what a powerful river, what beautiful animals," he thought. As he walked, he heard rustling behind him. Turning, he saw a 13-foot tall brown bear charging toward him. The man ran as fast as he could, but the bear was rapidly closing on him. He tried to run faster yet, but tripped and fell. The bear was right over him, raising its paw to strike, and he yelled, "Oh, my God!"

Suddenly, time froze. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from above, "You deny my existence all these years, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said God.

The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped onto its knees, brought its paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."

[ojai22]

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.

One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry
for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to
the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy,
screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the
lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next
day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings.

An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself
as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my
own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."

And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London,
and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir
Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the
bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time?

Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

[Muffit]

Good ones Ojai! I especially loved the bear joke!!! :D
:muffit:

[Senmut]

Why did the Viper squadron, upon reaching Earth, annihilate Oakland?

They heard that was where the Raiders were. :)

[Muffit]

LOL Senmut!

Okay, some jokes about blondes...

SHE WAS SO BLONDE.......she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate"

....She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.....

....She studied for a blood test....

....She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats......

:D

[ojai22]

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . .whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'


"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)




Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)




Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)



God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.





:p

[ojai22]

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave

your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.



2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're

not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.



4. Hi, Now you say something.



5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can

talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.



6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?


7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I

call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!



8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one

of these magnets.



9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their

carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need

their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number

and they will get back to you.



10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your

reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think

about returning your call.





11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a

message, and if I don't call back, it's you.



12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.



13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right

now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it

is safe to leave us a message.



14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.

Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.



15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right

now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it

up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a

message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

[Muffit]

LOL :)

[Stevew]

The parrot:

A friend of mine "John" inherited a parrot. The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John opened the door to the
freezer as quickly as he could.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[bsg1fan1975]

ok here goes one my sister sent me.

Two kids were out "trick or Treating" on Halloween. They go to this one house and ring the bell. Guy comes to the door. "Trick or Treat," the kids say. The guy is bowled over at how cute they are. "Who are you supposed to be," he asks. "Jack and Jill," they reply. "You can't be Jack and Jill, your black," he tells them. They walk away.

A little while later the doorbell rings again. Same kids at the door. "Trick or Treat," they try again. "Who are you this time," the man asks. "Hansel and Gretel," they reply. "You can't be Hansel and Gretyel, your black," he tells them. They leave again.

Doorbell rings a third time. Same kids again. "Trick or treat," they say for the third time. They are butt naked this time! The man looks at them with shock. "Who are you this time?", he asks. The little girl replies, "We're chocolate M&M's. I'm plain and he's got nuts!"

[Darth Marley]

clipped from imao.us

"A War In Iraq"

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down
a road when they hear a voice call from behind
a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle
breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out,"One United States Marine is
better than one hundred Iraqis!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again, "One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons,
rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is
fought. Then silence, eventually one wounded Iraqi
fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying
words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two
of them!"

[bsg1fan1975]

lol

Another joke about marriage:

A husband and wife had a very bitter arguement. Neither were speaking to each other for a while. One night the husband suddenly remembers that he has planned to go fishing with his buddies the next morning and he needs to have an early wake up call. He writes a note to his wife to wake him up for 5 a.m. The next morning he wakes up and its 9 a.m. Furious that he missed the trip he yells at his wife: "why didn't you wake me up at 5." His wife calmly points to the note she left on his pillow. "Its 5 a.m., Wake Up!"

[BlueSquad2001]

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. God this is sooo true, and thank-you GOD!
:devil: :D

[bsg1fan1975]

Yup! Without women men would be totally lost. I remind my sweetie of this every night. He actually agrees with it. Because without me he would be lost!

[winterrose]

Originally posted by bsg1fan1975
lol

Another joke about marriage:

A husband and wife had a very bitter arguement. Neither were speaking to each other for a while. One night the husband suddenly remembers that he has planned to go fishing with his buddies the next morning and he needs to have an early wake up call. He writes a note to his wife to wake him up for 5 a.m. The next morning he wakes up and its 9 a.m. Furious that he missed the trip he yells at his wife: "why didn't you wake me up at 5." His wife calmly points to the note she left on his pillow. "Its 5 a.m., Wake Up!"


Funny!

[Muffit]

Okay, I just gotta lighten my sad Christmas mood with a eh-em, colorful joke, since the movie comes out today I believe...(I apologize if its PG-13)...

Why didn't the Cat in the Hat consummate his marriage on his wedding night?

???

He couldn't decide between Thing 1 and Thing 2...

:D

[ojai22]

LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES, AND SOUTHERNERS



How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners? Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a GlGlock40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?



Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the GlGlock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a pain! t ! and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.






Conservative Answer:


BANG!





Southerner's Answer :

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click . . . . (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

==================================




Okay, you Southerners, hold on a minute. This was sent to me by a good ol' Southern Boy....

ojai22





:) :salute:

[Excalibur]

Before you beat me up for this, I should point out, I didn't make this up, it's just something I read on a bathroom wall. :wtf: :blush: And if someone has already posted it, I apologize for the repeat.

What is the difference between a women yelling at the front door, and a dog barking at the back door?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?

When you let the dog in, it'll shut up! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

[Rowan]

THWACK!! :D

[Excalibur]

:superholy :LOL:

[unowhoandwhy]

This is revenge for all the blonde jokes I have been subjected to in my lifetime:

What is the difference between a brunette and a trash can?

At least the trash can gets taken out once a week!

[Rowan]

Hey I'm a brunette!

Thwacks Uno! :D ;)

[Senmut]

Why was Adam created first?
So he could finish a sentence.

[martok2112]

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all sitting down in a hospital, talking about their pregnancies, and what they're expecting.

The brunette says: "We're gonna have a boy, because my man was on top!"
All the girls giggle and high-five.

The red head says: "We'll we're gonna have a girl because I was on top!"
The girls look impressed and emboldened...high fiving... yeah Girl Power!

The blonde breaks down and cries. When asked by her friends what was wrong, she replies: "We're gonna have puppies!"

(runs....hides)

[Senmut]

Why do 4 out of 5 blondes prefer tilt steering wheels?
More head room.

[Senmut]

What do you call the fuel regulator on a Viper engine?
A felcer-carb!

[bsg1fan1975]

lol

you guys sure know how to liven up a gal's day!