Sci-Fi
May 17th, 2005, 11:19 PM
From The State.Com:
'Star Wars': The unsolved mysteries (http://www.thestate.com/mld/thestate/entertainment/11662035.htm)
Could Yoda beat the Hulk? And other questions George Lucas never dared answer
BY BOBBY BRYANT
The State
May. 17, 2005
COLUMBIA, S.C. - "The circle is now complete," Darth Vader told Obi-Wan Kenobi on the Death Star.
That was a long time ago (May 1977) in a galaxy far, far away (single-screen theaters with $2 matinees). And we didn't have the slightest idea what Vader was talking about: What circle? Complete how?
Now, we finally get it. That circle. Oh yeah.
With the arrival of the sixth and last episode of George Lucas' epic space series this week, the circle is now complete. It will be the last chance for Lucas to resolve some mysteries that have been building up since the first "Star Wars" was released 28 years ago.
Here are some of the unanswered questions of the "Star Wars" saga. Perhaps they also should be the unasked questions of the "Star Wars" saga. But if we don't ask, can the circle ever be truly complete?
ON WOOKIES
If an 8-foot-tall Wookie shaved himself, could he play professional basketball?
Could a Wookie marry an Ewok? If so, would their children be tall, like a Wookie, or short, like an Ewok? Would you call them Ewookies? Wookewoks?
ON STORMTROOPERS
Why do all the stormtroopers wear full-head helmets that block their vision so badly that they can't hit what they shoot at? (Trooper captain: "Uh, Lord Vader, excuse me, but we could work much better without the helmets and all." Vader: "Talk to the hand. If I must wear a helmet I cannot see out of, then so must you. It is . . . your destiny.")
How could the puny, rock-throwing Ewoks possibly defeat an army of armored Imperial stormtroopers? (Oh yeah, they were all wearing those Helmets You Can't See Out Of.)
ON FAMILY TIES
What if Ben Kenobi had never told Luke that Leia was his sister? (Next on Jerry Springer: "I Didn't Know That My Enemy Was Really My Father and That My Girlfriend Was Really My Sister, But I Found Out Just in Time.")
ON YODA
Why did the very learned Jedi Knights never teach Yoda that it's subject-verb-object? ("Angry be not with me, Master Yoda, but ignorant you sound, yes.")
They're both green; they both have great power; they both have problems speaking proper English. If Yoda fought the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
ON THE FORCE
What is this about the Force being some sort of infection in your bloodstream, like magic mononucleosis?
ON DROIDS
When R2-D2 lets loose with a storm of bleeping and blipping, is he cursing like Tony Soprano? (Imagine the subtitles.)
ON DARTH VADER
In the first film, when Vader is roaring in behind Luke, about to blow him out of the sky, can't Vader "sense" the enemy pilot is his son? And can't Vader "sense" that Leia is his daughter when he is torturing her?
Is it really legal for Vader to use the Force to strangle any Imperial officer who displeases him? (Strange but true fact: There was a plotline in Marvel's "Star Wars" comics in which a cabal of Imperial officers got fed up with seeing their pals strangled by the Force and started plotting against Vader.)
ON THE EMPIRE
Does the Empire have cable?
Wouldn't it have taken the Empire forever to build the Death Star, a battle station the size of a "small moon"? Wouldn't it have been outrageously expensive? Wouldn't the Emperor have gone around complaining that it was actually his "Debt Star"? (And then he built another one ... and it also got blown up ... along with thousands of innocent "independent contractors" still working on the thing, as Kevin Smith noted in "Clerks.")
ON THE JEDI
Why do the Jedi Knights insist on going into combat with nothing but lightsabers, even when their foes are using war machines the size of houses? Isn't this taking chivalry a little too far?
ON PRINCESSES
Why would a space princess like Leia want her hair done up into giant buns? So space pirates would tell her, "Hey, you've got great buns"?
ON AMPUTATIONS
Why are so many characters in the saga either having their hands cut off (Anakin, then Luke, then Anakin-as-Vader) or their arms cut off (the creep in the bar fight, the Wampa ice monster)? Is it a Freudian thing?
ON MACHO
Quien es mas macho: "Star Wars" Capt. Han Solo (Harrison Ford), "Star Trek" Adm. James Kirk (William Shatner) or "Battlestar Galactica" Cmdr. William Adama (Edward James Olmos)?
ON HONESTY
How much longer will George Lucas keep taking credit for writing the paperback adaptation of the first "Star Wars" film when everyone knows it was written by fantasy novelist Alan Dean Foster?
When will Lucas admit that his scarred, armored and cloaked Darth Vader is basically a Xerox of Marvel Comics' scarred, armored and cloaked Dr. Doom?
ON COMMON SENSE
Why doesn't someone just beat up Jar Jar Binks with a tire iron?
:LOL: :salute: :Nsalute:
'Star Wars': The unsolved mysteries (http://www.thestate.com/mld/thestate/entertainment/11662035.htm)
Could Yoda beat the Hulk? And other questions George Lucas never dared answer
BY BOBBY BRYANT
The State
May. 17, 2005
COLUMBIA, S.C. - "The circle is now complete," Darth Vader told Obi-Wan Kenobi on the Death Star.
That was a long time ago (May 1977) in a galaxy far, far away (single-screen theaters with $2 matinees). And we didn't have the slightest idea what Vader was talking about: What circle? Complete how?
Now, we finally get it. That circle. Oh yeah.
With the arrival of the sixth and last episode of George Lucas' epic space series this week, the circle is now complete. It will be the last chance for Lucas to resolve some mysteries that have been building up since the first "Star Wars" was released 28 years ago.
Here are some of the unanswered questions of the "Star Wars" saga. Perhaps they also should be the unasked questions of the "Star Wars" saga. But if we don't ask, can the circle ever be truly complete?
ON WOOKIES
If an 8-foot-tall Wookie shaved himself, could he play professional basketball?
Could a Wookie marry an Ewok? If so, would their children be tall, like a Wookie, or short, like an Ewok? Would you call them Ewookies? Wookewoks?
ON STORMTROOPERS
Why do all the stormtroopers wear full-head helmets that block their vision so badly that they can't hit what they shoot at? (Trooper captain: "Uh, Lord Vader, excuse me, but we could work much better without the helmets and all." Vader: "Talk to the hand. If I must wear a helmet I cannot see out of, then so must you. It is . . . your destiny.")
How could the puny, rock-throwing Ewoks possibly defeat an army of armored Imperial stormtroopers? (Oh yeah, they were all wearing those Helmets You Can't See Out Of.)
ON FAMILY TIES
What if Ben Kenobi had never told Luke that Leia was his sister? (Next on Jerry Springer: "I Didn't Know That My Enemy Was Really My Father and That My Girlfriend Was Really My Sister, But I Found Out Just in Time.")
ON YODA
Why did the very learned Jedi Knights never teach Yoda that it's subject-verb-object? ("Angry be not with me, Master Yoda, but ignorant you sound, yes.")
They're both green; they both have great power; they both have problems speaking proper English. If Yoda fought the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
ON THE FORCE
What is this about the Force being some sort of infection in your bloodstream, like magic mononucleosis?
ON DROIDS
When R2-D2 lets loose with a storm of bleeping and blipping, is he cursing like Tony Soprano? (Imagine the subtitles.)
ON DARTH VADER
In the first film, when Vader is roaring in behind Luke, about to blow him out of the sky, can't Vader "sense" the enemy pilot is his son? And can't Vader "sense" that Leia is his daughter when he is torturing her?
Is it really legal for Vader to use the Force to strangle any Imperial officer who displeases him? (Strange but true fact: There was a plotline in Marvel's "Star Wars" comics in which a cabal of Imperial officers got fed up with seeing their pals strangled by the Force and started plotting against Vader.)
ON THE EMPIRE
Does the Empire have cable?
Wouldn't it have taken the Empire forever to build the Death Star, a battle station the size of a "small moon"? Wouldn't it have been outrageously expensive? Wouldn't the Emperor have gone around complaining that it was actually his "Debt Star"? (And then he built another one ... and it also got blown up ... along with thousands of innocent "independent contractors" still working on the thing, as Kevin Smith noted in "Clerks.")
ON THE JEDI
Why do the Jedi Knights insist on going into combat with nothing but lightsabers, even when their foes are using war machines the size of houses? Isn't this taking chivalry a little too far?
ON PRINCESSES
Why would a space princess like Leia want her hair done up into giant buns? So space pirates would tell her, "Hey, you've got great buns"?
ON AMPUTATIONS
Why are so many characters in the saga either having their hands cut off (Anakin, then Luke, then Anakin-as-Vader) or their arms cut off (the creep in the bar fight, the Wampa ice monster)? Is it a Freudian thing?
ON MACHO
Quien es mas macho: "Star Wars" Capt. Han Solo (Harrison Ford), "Star Trek" Adm. James Kirk (William Shatner) or "Battlestar Galactica" Cmdr. William Adama (Edward James Olmos)?
ON HONESTY
How much longer will George Lucas keep taking credit for writing the paperback adaptation of the first "Star Wars" film when everyone knows it was written by fantasy novelist Alan Dean Foster?
When will Lucas admit that his scarred, armored and cloaked Darth Vader is basically a Xerox of Marvel Comics' scarred, armored and cloaked Dr. Doom?
ON COMMON SENSE
Why doesn't someone just beat up Jar Jar Binks with a tire iron?
:LOL: :salute: :Nsalute: