Clean joke of the day. - Page 24

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:27 PM

When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:28 PM

Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:31 PM

The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:32 PM

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:33 PM

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:34 PM

Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.

Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:36 PM

Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a wuss.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:37 PM

If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering. Then Jack would kill him.

Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.

Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:38 PM

My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:40 PM

Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb and get out leaving McGyver holding the bad!.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:58 PM

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 08:59 PM

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack Bauer.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:00 PM

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can watch all the seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:01 PM

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade and terrorists.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:02 PM

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would he would do for a Klondike bar…

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:06 PM

Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.

Oil and water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.

When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his crap is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:06 PM

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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.

Jack Bauer has never taken a dump that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these dumps, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.

Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a -----."

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:07 PM

Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose. Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.

Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE'S NO MORE TIME!"

Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:08 PM

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, next door.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:09 PM

When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:10 PM

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.

Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine. Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:10 PM

Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer does.

Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.

Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:12 PM

When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.

In God we trust, but God trusts Jack Bauer.

Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:12 PM

You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.

When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.

If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:13 PM

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Before heroin, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed... but it only slowed him down.

In grade school, a little boy punched Kim, and she ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

Jack Bauer is the only man thus far to make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:14 PM

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. Think about it.

The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:15 PM

There once was a man from Nantucket. Jack Bauer shot him.

Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:16 PM

Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.

'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."

Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:16 PM

Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.

Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.

When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.

Damocles · April 9th, 2009, 09:18 PM

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in one move.

Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones