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Old October 28th, 2004, 10:47 AM   #1
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Default Answering Machine Messages

Something that an Aussie lady of my aquaintance sent me:

***** JOKE: Answering Machine Owners Messages **********

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Narrator's voice "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
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Old October 28th, 2004, 11:27 AM   #2
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good lord that was cute.
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Old October 28th, 2004, 11:42 AM   #3
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I should use one of those on my own machine. They're chuckle-worthy. =)
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Old October 28th, 2004, 12:00 PM   #4
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I used an audio clip from the first Southpark Halloween ep for a while, the bit where Chef sings "I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might be cold, but it's alway hot in my bed."

I tend to get right to the point when answering numbers I do not recognize.
My favorite is to pick up the call and just say "Speak."
It really takes them out of their pitch.

A former roommate, back in the days of ST:TNG would answer just saying "Star Trek is on"
implying not only that we should not be disturbed, but that they should also be watching intently.
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Old October 28th, 2004, 06:38 PM   #5
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very good, i'm going to have to try a couple of these myself
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Old October 28th, 2004, 09:18 PM   #6
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People always seemed to be calling us while we were watching Star Trek too.

Our message:
"You have reached the Myers' residence. We are watching Star Trek right now, so if you would please leave your name and number after the tone, we will get back to you during the next commercial break. Thank You."

The first message was two minutes of laughter followed by "This is the Bishop."
We changed the message.


The message on my machine now is "Leave a message".
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Old October 29th, 2004, 03:26 AM   #7
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When I lived with my parents I recorded a message for our answering machine. This one got lots of laughs.

"Hi, you have reached us. We are unable to reach the phone right now so please leave a message at the beep. Please keep in mind that this machine records your name, time you called, your message, your date of birth and your social security card number."

"If your a bill collector, the checks in the mail. If its a friend just say hi, we can identify you by your voice and we will call you right back. If your family just state your name and we'll give you a shout. All others will be answered in a timely fashion. Have a good day!"
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