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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:17 AM   #2401
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Playing Fireman

A Fire Fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when he notices a little buy next door in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the side.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck."

The fire fighter walks over to look at the set up and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says,"You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:18 AM   #2402
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Pressed Clothes

Two old gents were rocking quietly on the porch of an old folks home in England when Lady Bottomley - age 94 - decided to streak the compound. She ripped off her clothes and toddled across the lawn.

One gent looked up, "I say, wasn't that Lady Bottomley?"

The other looked over his glasses, "I think so."

The first asked, "Whatever was that she was wearing?"

The other replied, "I don't know, but it certainly needed pressing!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:19 AM   #2403
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Quite the Bargain!

A little old man found himself seated in the same train compartment as a beautiful young woman wearing a low-cut summer top.

"Excuse me, miss, but I couldn't help noticing your breasts," he began. "They are perfect. Is there any chance I could touch them? I mean you no harm. I'm just an old, lonely man."

"Certainly not! Do you want me to summon the conductor?!" she exclaimed.

"Please," begs the old man. "Just for a moment. I could pay you. How about... twenty dollars?"

She frowned. "I'm going to call the conductor!"

"No, wait," pleaded the old man.

"How about fifty dollars?"

She shook her head again. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

With a desperate look in his eye, the old man cried out, "How about a hundred dollars?! For just one minute. No one will ever know."

The young lady looked around, saw no one anywhere, and said, "Well, you do seem like a nice old guy and I could use a hundred dollars...but for 30 seconds only! Agreed?"

The old man readily agreed and scooted himself over beside her. He then touched her breasts and start mumbling to himself, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

When his time was up, she removed his hands and asked, "Why did you keep mumbling, 'Oh, my God! Oh, my God!'"

The old man winced and replied sheepishly, "Oh, my God! Where am I going to get a hundred dollars!?"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:19 AM   #2404
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Rough Family!

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.

The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother."

When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:20 AM   #2405
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Rude Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really?" she asked, almost curious now, "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:20 AM   #2406
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sad Stories

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:21 AM   #2407
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Safe Driving

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations!" he told John. "What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:22 AM   #2408
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sea Monsters Love Potatoes

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can´t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:23 AM   #2409
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Seeing-Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog ignores the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leading the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. The screech of tires and horns can be heard blaring, as panicked drivers try to desperately avoid running the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Then, the blind man takes a cookie out of his coat pocket and offers it to the dog.

A passerby who had observed the near fatal incident says to the blind man in amazement, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in the passerby's direction and replies, "I'm trying to find out where the mutt's head is, so I can kick his rear end!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:24 AM   #2410
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dummy. Some clown has stolen our tent."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:25 AM   #2411
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Slow Supermarket Check-Out

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping centre. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:26 AM   #2412
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Smart Cabbie

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? Who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:27 AM   #2413
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Sneakers

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:27 AM   #2414
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Solitaire

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many good ideas were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:28 AM   #2415
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Some Friend...

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes,'" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon. "You're ever so brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:28 AM   #2416
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Spoiled Weekend

A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows the kid round, and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused....so the manager said he would show him what he meant. Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

"Certainly," pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on, "Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it."

"I hadn't thought of that," says the customer. "I'll take the lawn mower as well then"....and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says, "Now do you understand our policy?" to which the kid replies, "Yes...it's good!!"

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal with this guy." So the kid asks the bloke if he can help.

"Yes," replies the guy hesitantly, "Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife..."

"Certainly," pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled and the manager's face drops, so the kid went on, "Well, the weekend's ****ed....you may as well cut the grass!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:29 AM   #2417
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Still in the Game

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too," the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:29 AM   #2418
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Strangest Thing

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug... and the whole darned house suddenly drained away."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:30 AM   #2419
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Strong Man

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:30 AM   #2420
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Swindled

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There´s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:31 AM   #2421
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Talk Funny

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways," she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:32 AM   #2422
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends, Fred leads his pals into the den.

"What's this big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asks.

"That is my "Talking Clock," the young man replies.

"How does it work"?

"Watch," Fred says as he proceeds to give the gong an ear shattering bang with the hammer.

Suddenly they hear a scream from the other side of the wall in the next apartment.

"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! IT'S TWO AM!!!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:32 AM   #2423
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Tampax

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:33 AM   #2424
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Terrible Migraines

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:34 AM   #2425
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Diet

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:35 AM   #2426
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Hook

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate, "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded, "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked, "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked, "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

"First day with me hook."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:36 AM   #2427
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Check

A lady is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding me while I write the check please?" The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss, but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."

"Oh it's quite simple really," she replies, "I love ti be held when I'm being done!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:36 AM   #2428
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Naked Man

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:37 AM   #2429
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The New Baby

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" and the mother says, "When the baby cries."

They ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
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Old April 20th, 2009, 12:38 AM   #2430
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Slap of Luxury

An economy car pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.

"Do you have a fax machine?"

The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."

"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the small car driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same car parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out his Rolls and banged on the little car's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.

The other driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
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