Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

[Damocles]

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

[Damocles]

Mr. Homn:

[Damocles]

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

[Damocles]

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

[Damocles]

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation...
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?


Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?


Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.


LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!


Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!


Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!


Picard: But surely we must not be late!


Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.


Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!


Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?


Riker: Not me.


Worf: Not me.


Picard: Computer, how long til we die?


Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.


Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...


Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!


Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.


Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --


Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...


Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.


Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.


Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!


Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?


Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.


Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?


Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!


Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.


Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*


Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.


Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?


Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.


Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!


Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!


Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?


Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.


Picard: Then make it so!

[Damocles]

The Lite Hearted Trekker vs Trekkie List.
A Trekker wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because it's fun.
A Trekkie wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because s/he has heard that it is in style at the academy.

A Trekker has a Starfleet Academy window sticker on his car.
A Trekkie is cramming for the entrance exams.

A Trekker meets Marina Sirtis/Gates McFadden at a convention, tells her how pretty he thinks she is, that it is too bad she is married or he would ask her out.
A Trekkie meets Deanna Troi/Dr. Crusher at a convention, tells her how pretty he thinks she is, and asks her if she is still seeing Riker (Picard, some alien patient, et al).

A Trekker loves watching the show, nitpicking and discussing it with friends.
A Trekkie loves watching those documentaries filmed aboard the Enterprise.

A Trekker thinks Wil Wheaton was a lucky kid who got to play a kid on Star Trek.
A Trekkie thinks that Wesley Crusher was a lucky kid who got to sit on the bridge.

A Trekker thinks that it is a shame that the show is coming to an end.
A Trekkie thinks that it is a shame that the crew is being reassigned and the Enterprise is being decomissioned.

A Trekker knows that there are gaping holes in the technology, but ignores them and enjoys the show.
A Trekkie can't wait for the price to come down on those home food replicator units.

A Trekker buys pips for the rank s/he wants to be.
A Trekkie wonders why he is constantly passed over for promotion.

A Trekker tells his/her new girl/boyfriend that s/he really likes Star Trek.
A Trekkie's new girl/boyfriend is an underclassman at the academy.

A Trekker wonders what sex in zero g would be like.
A Trekkie wonders what sex would be like.

[Damocles]

The Top Ten changes
if Starfleet had sponsors
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"

9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation

8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner

7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System

6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator

5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section

4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs

3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign

2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"

1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.

[Damocles]

SIGNS THE ENTERPRISE
IS NEARING THE END OF IT'S WARRANTY
21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

20) Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.

17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

15) Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10- forward.

13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

10) Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

9) Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.

8) Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

5) Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it."

3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to women's volleyball program.

2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

1) Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Damocles]

Top Ten ways to know your roommate is a Borg
10. Their clothes are always black

9. The $50,000 phone bills

8. They spend 3 weeks in Florida and still look white

7. Your home entertainment center disappears, two days later they are wearing it.

6. TV reception gets poor when they walk by

5. They spend more time reading newsgroups than you do

4. Whenever you talk to them the laser on the side of their head blinds you

3. An electronics store chain used them as a mascot

2. They assimilate all your food

1. Everything is irrelavant

[Damocles]

Top 10 Tourism Slogans
In The Star Trek Universe
10. Betazed: We know you want to come here!

9. In the Demilitarised Zone Colonies, there's never a dull moment!

8. Ski for your life on Rura Penthe!

7. Nimbus III: Fan-dance capital of the Quadrant!

6. Visit Vulcan.

5. Cardassia Prime, where the trains run on time.

4. Risa: Bring your Horgon

3. If you don't have a good time on the Klingon Homeworld, we'll kick the crap out of you!

2. Come to the Omarian Nebula: Thirty-million gallons of Founders can't be wrong!

and the number one slogan is...

1. Romulus: Everything you've heard about us is Jolan Tru!

[Damocles]

Top Ten yet-to-be-revealed
secrets of U.S.S. Voyager
10. Secret compartment for curing hams

9. Side-impact airbags

8. Neural gel-packs come in strawberry, lime, and grape

7. In addition to doctor, ship comes equipped with holographic waiter, carpenter, and insurance claims-adjuster

6. Button on captain's chair that activates emergency isolinear plot device

5. Curb feelers

4. Like all starships, supply of rocks hidden in bulkheads to make explosions more dramatic

3. Life-sized statue of Sally Struthers in all crew quarters

2. Sonic showers set to pleasing Motown beat

1. Disco lights in officer's mess allow it to pull double duty as dancehall
Back To Star Trek Jokes

[Damocles]

Top Ten Things
Q is Responsible For
10. Country Line Dancing

9. Michael Jackson

8. Elvis sightings

7. Disco Fever

6. OS/2 systems

5. Three's Company

4. The death and rebirth of Superman

3. Little Ceasar's Commercials

2. Hee Haw!

1. The Energizer Bunny

[Damocles]

Things I Learned
from Star Trek
A Starship will explode two, maybe three times at the most.

The safest time to transport to the Enterprise is while your ship is exploding around you.

Most actions on a Starship can result in damage and the eventual shutdown of the warp engines.

When travelling in space, be mindful of ships from the past appearing at the most inopportune times.

When the replicator malfunctions while serving you a drink, LEAVE THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY!

After life support fails, and there is no air remaining, you have 20 to 30 minutes to find some air, wake up and have big sweaty spots on the front of your shirt.

Any problem on the Enterprise can be solved by one of two methods:

(a) divert power from life support to the shields, or

(b) find yourself a sixteen-year-old who knows what to do.

[Damocles]

You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Star Trek When......
10 You hear a strange remark and the first thing that pops into your head is "Gee that's something Worf would say."

9 In order to fall asleep you count tribbles

8 You scream out "Death First" during the retreat scene in a movie

7 You walk in to a casino and ask were the Dabo tables are

6 You start naming your kids after characters (ex. Neelix & Vash)

5 Your significant other asks if you want to go out and you say " Make it so Number One "

4 You call your local YMCA and ask when the next dom-jot tournement is

3 You talk to your computer and expect it to answer

2 You go from talking English in your sleep to Klingon

1 When planning a tour of Europe you Bypass Paris so you can spend more time in La Barre

[Damocles]

Star Trek: TNG
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

[Damocles]

Borg Song Parodies
===================================================
Living in the Borg
-adapted by trollus of Borg(That's we!)
====================================================

There's something wrong in the universe today.
We know what it is.
"The Starship Enterprise"
We have seen them once or twice,
We know they're not yet ours.
We're what they would call "surprised"

Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.

There's something wrong in the universe today.
It's ugly, and has too much hair.
and it calls itself "Me"
If you can name the species,
by the colors of their skin,
then 2 of 6, you're a better Borg than We

Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.

Tell us, do you think they should be assimilated,
aggrivated then frustrated
They're getting to us.
If the Federation says the Borg are coming,
Even if they weren't, wouldn't they come crawlin'
back again?
I bet they would
("our friends")
again and again and again and again.

There's something wrong in the universe today.
And the Borg knows it's wrong.
But we can't do anything about it.
But we know they're just hanging on.

(clock ticks)

(Phaser fire)

(explosion)

Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
They will be one of us.
They will be one of us.
Living with the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.

[Damocles]

Two Borg ships
adapted by trollus of borg (that's We!!!!)

==================================================

One, Two, Borg ships lay before you.
(That's what we said, now)
Borg ships, Borg ships who deplore you.
(That's just too bad, now)
This one will assimilate your brain.
(You've got no chance, now)
This one will do just the same.
(We'll be enhanced, now)

That one, will make you dissolve.
(That's what we said now)
There's no problem that we can't solve.
(It's in our heads, now)
Get killed by them, no more stupid chatter.
(You're life's worth cents now)
Get killed by us, it doesn't really matter.
(There's no difference, now)

"Awwww, assimilate him then assimilate me.
Resistance is Futile, I now can see.
Ain't got no more future, no family-tree
But I know how a really bad Borg ought to be,
I know how a really bad Borg ought to be...
Auughhhh!!!"

Said if you want to make them one of us
(Just go ahead, now0
And if you want to fight and fuss
(Don't even try, now)
If you want to get the Enterprise
(Just go ahead now)
And if you want to see our demise.
(Don't even try,now)

[Damocles]

Always look on the Borg side of life
-adapted by trollus of Borg (That's we!)

=============================================================

Most things in life are bad
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and cuss.
When you're chewing on Life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
and just be glad you're not yet one of us...
And...

...always look on the Borg side of Life...
(whistle)

Always look on the Borg side of Life...
(whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten.
and that's to pray that we're not coming yet
If you think that you'll be saved.
The road to freedom is now paved.
All we say is "wanna make a bet"

And...always look on the Borg side of Life
(whistle)

Come On.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)

For life is quite absurd,
"Assimilation"'s the final word.
If we must, we'll go that extra mile...
Forget about the fight.
'cause the Borg are always right.
And We're sure you'll know resistance is futile.

So...Always look on the Borg side of death.
(whistle)

Just before you draw your terminal breath
(whistle)

Life's a piece of felgercarb
when you look at it.
That's why we do what we do.
Just remeber that we're here.
We're not going anywhere,
and soon we'll be coming after you.

And...always look on the Borg side of life.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)

Cheering up is irrelevent
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)

Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)

Worst things happen in space, you know.

Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)

We mean - what have you got to lose?
You came from nothing?
You're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing.

Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
(fade)

[Damocles]

The Borg Vs. Windows
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

[Damocles]

The Borg List
All a Borg!

[Damocles]

And the only thing the Borg left behind was NT.

[Damocles]

Assimilate me... tender... - Elvis of Borg

[Damocles]

Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.

[Damocles]

Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)

[Damocles]

BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename.

[Damocles]

Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.

[Damocles]

Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Bush Borg: The economy is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Distance is irrelevant: Pythagoras of Borg.