Jokes

[ojai22]

The Urinal is Too High


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

[ojai22]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time
I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right
now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I
then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.

"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned
also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what,
we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way
eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back?

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,
"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[thomas7g]

OH GOD!

I will never use a resteraunt spoon again!!!!

ROFL!

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

[Stevew]

Subject: drivers license info for RDM

This is unbelieveable! Please check it out.

YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!!

I just found this.
Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter his name, City and state

http://www.license.shorturl.com
<http://www.license.shorturl.com/>

[Stevew]

Words With Two Meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.v.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion. M
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes

Isn't that the truth!

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket


Rejected Little Golden Books

1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
10. Strangers Have The Best Candy
11. You Were an Accident
12. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
13. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
14. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
15. Your Nightmares Are Real
16. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
17. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
18. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends

[emerita]

Stevew...just found you George Bush one!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

[ojai22]

All this time I've been thinking I was computer ignorant, and I've been absolutely brilliant!


Amazingly, these are all true stories....


Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you 'ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a
Wall Street Journal article:
- - - - - - - -

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is located.


2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.


4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day. He then removed all the keys and washed them individually.


5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.


6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer,
but that his computer still couldn't "see the printer."


7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After being ensured that the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.



8. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say that her brand
new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and then sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"


9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing some software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in
the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in." The user hadn't realized
that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.



10. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting it fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the CD-ROM drive assembly.


11. A woman called the Canon Help Desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."



12. Another true story:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'.

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "C'mon, I'm not going to do that."

[ojai22]

Email from God


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the naughty
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth;
95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "It can't be that bad, maybe I had
better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called
another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what that E-mail said?




No?




I didn't get one either.




[Thanks, Em]

[emerita]

!p you're welcome......they were funny weren't they...

[Stevew]

Neat link
http://www.dribbleglass.com/

[emerita]

very cool......

[emerita]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even fill your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

ROFLMAO!

The "your loving daughter Gail" nearly killed me!
:laugh:

[emerita]

LOL...Shows just how solid us Country gals are...LOL

[ojai22]

ATHEIST AND THE BEAR

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees, what a powerful river, what beautiful animals," he thought. As he walked, he heard rustling behind him. Turning, he saw a 13-foot tall brown bear charging toward him. The man ran as fast as he could, but the bear was rapidly closing on him. He tried to run faster yet, but tripped and fell. The bear was right over him, raising its paw to strike, and he yelled, "Oh, my God!"

Suddenly, time froze. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from above, "You deny my existence all these years, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said God.

The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped onto its knees, brought its paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."

[ojai22]

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.

One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry
for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to
the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy,
screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the
lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next
day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings.

An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself
as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my
own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."

And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London,
and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir
Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the
bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time?

Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

[Muffit]

Good ones Ojai! I especially loved the bear joke!!!

[Senmut]

Why did the Viper squadron, upon reaching Earth, annihilate Oakland?

They heard that was where the Raiders were.

[Muffit]

LOL Senmut!

Okay, some jokes about blondes...

SHE WAS SO BLONDE.......she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate"

....She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.....

....She studied for a blood test....

....She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats......

[ojai22]

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . .whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'


"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)




Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)




Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)



God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.





:p

[ojai22]

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave

your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.



2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're

not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.



4. Hi, Now you say something.



5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can

talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.



6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?


7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I

call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!



8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one

of these magnets.



9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their

carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need

their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number

and they will get back to you.



10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your

reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think

about returning your call.





11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a

message, and if I don't call back, it's you.



12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.



13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right

now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it

is safe to leave us a message.



14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.

Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.



15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right

now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it

up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a

message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

[Muffit]

LOL

[Stevew]

The parrot:

A friend of mine "John" inherited a parrot. The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John opened the door to the
freezer as quickly as he could.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[bsg1fan1975]

ok here goes one my sister sent me.

Two kids were out "trick or Treating" on Halloween. They go to this one house and ring the bell. Guy comes to the door. "Trick or Treat," the kids say. The guy is bowled over at how cute they are. "Who are you supposed to be," he asks. "Jack and Jill," they reply. "You can't be Jack and Jill, your black," he tells them. They walk away.

A little while later the doorbell rings again. Same kids at the door. "Trick or Treat," they try again. "Who are you this time," the man asks. "Hansel and Gretel," they reply. "You can't be Hansel and Gretyel, your black," he tells them. They leave again.

Doorbell rings a third time. Same kids again. "Trick or treat," they say for the third time. They are butt naked this time! The man looks at them with shock. "Who are you this time?", he asks. The little girl replies, "We're chocolate M&M's. I'm plain and he's got nuts!"

[Darth Marley]

clipped from imao.us

"A War In Iraq"

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down
a road when they hear a voice call from behind
a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle
breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out,"One United States Marine is
better than one hundred Iraqis!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again, "One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons,
rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is
fought. Then silence, eventually one wounded Iraqi
fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying
words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two
of them!"