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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:05 PM   #31
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A police officier is stopped at a red light. While there, he notices quite a din coming from the trunk of a car in front of him. He approaches the driver of said car and instructs him to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. The driver complies, and in the trunk are a dozen giraffes. The police officer says, "Take these giraffes to the zoo immediately!!" The driver says, "Right away officer!" and drives off.
The following day the cop is at the same red light, and who should be stopped in front of him but the same car with the same loud noise coming from the trunk.
The cop is really irritated now and again tells the driver to get out and open his trunk. There are the same dozen giraffes, only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman says, "I told you to take these giraffes to the zoo!", to which the driver replies, "But officer, I did...today they want to go to the beach!"
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:07 PM   #32
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?

A: Squash

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?

A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?

A: The door won't close.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?

A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?

A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?

A: One by one.

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?

A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?

A: No, of course not.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?

A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:08 PM   #33
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW parked outside it.
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:10 PM   #34
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?

A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?

A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:11 PM   #35
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?

A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?

A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?

A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:12 PM   #36
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?

A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

A: To hide in cherry trees.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a pickle?

A: Their color of course!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Big holes all over Australia.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?

A: Cold ones.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?

A: An elephant six-pack.
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:13 PM   #37
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

A: About three thousand miles.

Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?

A: Trunkquilizers.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?

A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?

A: By 'elephone.

Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?

A: For carrying their library cards.

Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?

A: The Tusk Fairy.

Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?

A: Pachydermatologists.

Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?

A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:17 PM   #38
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How do you make a Gorilla float?
Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!

How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
Tell it an elephant joke!

How do you make a Gorilla stew?
You keep it waiting for three hours!

How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae?
Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
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Old August 5th, 2008, 02:19 PM   #39
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''

A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
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Old August 5th, 2008, 10:56 PM   #40
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Telegraph by Deddi Shy The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Albert Einstein

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called rain.
Michael McClary

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).

The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the arts graduate just asked the tour guide.
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Old August 6th, 2008, 08:51 AM   #41
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Buffalo
What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?

"Bison."

Anteaters
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

Because they're full of anty bodies!


Rabbits
What do you call a hundred rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line!


Snakes
First snake: "What is 56 minus 14?"

Second snake: "How do I know, I'm an adder!"

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Orange
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

Sheepdog
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a daffodil?

A collie-flower!

Frog
What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?

A ribbit!
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Old August 10th, 2008, 03:14 PM   #42
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: What do you call a Volon baby?

A: Osh Kosh

......
Knock knock
Who's there?
Kosh.
Kosh who?
Gesundheidt!
......
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morden
Morden Who?
Morden that I can't tell you.
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Old August 10th, 2008, 03:15 PM   #43
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q: What's Neroon in Ring of Fire?

A: MinBar-B-Q

......
Q: What kind of luggage does a Pak'Ma'Ra take on plane?

A: Carrion

......
Q: How many Mimbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.
.....They always surrender before they finish the job and never tell you why.

......
Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One.
.....But in the Grand old days of the Republic,
.....Hundreds of servants would change thousands of light bulbs at our slightest whim!

......
Q: What's more dangerous than a locked room full of angry Narn?

A: One angry Narn--with the key.
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Old February 26th, 2009, 03:09 PM   #44
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What do you say when somebody drops a 200 pound bell on your foot?

Spoiler
Ouch.
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Old February 27th, 2009, 09:48 AM   #45
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What do you say to 535 Congress-cretins who pass a two trillion dollar deficit?

Spoiler
Do you want tar with your feathers?
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Old February 28th, 2009, 12:06 PM   #46
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Hpw do you get lost in space?

Spoiler
Order through Amazon.com and get it on DVD!
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Old February 28th, 2009, 04:08 PM   #47
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a road?

Spoiler
A mess of feathers.
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Old March 1st, 2009, 09:08 AM   #48
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler
Individual perspectives on the matter

Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

The Dead Sea Scrolls:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates:
To purchase Chicken 2.01a, which will both cross roads and calculate the energy it used. There are bugs, yes, but if you uninstall Traffic 2.0 and Farmer 1.2 it will run. If it freezes at WhiteLine 2.0, we have a patch ...

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.
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Old March 2nd, 2009, 04:16 AM   #49
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Another Chicken joke.

Quote:
"Three-Legged Chickens"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." (Molly - Ohio/USA)
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Old March 3rd, 2009, 07:39 AM   #50
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How fast can chickens fly?

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Depends on how much air pressure is in the chicken gun.



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A little CHAOS is a GOOD thing!
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Old March 4th, 2009, 04:17 AM   #51
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How many chickens does it take to lay an egg?

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535 of them. Its called CONGRESS.
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Old March 5th, 2009, 02:57 AM   #52
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

When will all the chickens come home to roost?

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Just as soon as we've found out just how CONGRESS feathered its nest, not only will the chickens roost; but some of them will be roasted!
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Old March 6th, 2009, 04:16 AM   #53
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Congress jokes.

Why do we have a Congress?

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Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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Old March 7th, 2009, 09:39 AM   #54
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

"Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Republicans."
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Old March 7th, 2009, 05:43 PM   #55
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Drop another two hundred pound bell! What does Captain Obvious say about you?


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Way to go, kumquat!

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Old March 8th, 2009, 10:51 AM   #56
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Moo.

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what's your neighbr's problem? He needs to go and get a bull and rent him to you for stud!

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one to a socialist for an enormous profit, buy a bull, and then build a whole herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares you bankrupt.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
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Old March 9th, 2009, 01:58 AM   #57
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Moo.

Spoiler
Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...
And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia

Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat

What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos

What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work

Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit?
They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!
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Old March 9th, 2009, 08:16 PM   #58
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How many cows does it take to change a light bulb?

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One. But getting her up the ladder is almost udderly impossible!
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Old March 10th, 2009, 03:55 AM   #59
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How many fingers am I holding up?

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You actually looked to see if there was an answer?
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Old March 10th, 2009, 08:44 AM   #60
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

lol
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Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
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