Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Little Johnny Moves to the Head of the Class

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnny! What is your problem?!"

Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnny agreed.

"What is three times three?" the principal asked.

Johnny quickly replies, "Nine. That's easy!"

"Ok, what's six times six?" the principal questions.

"Thirty-Six," Johnny answers with a big grin on his face.

"Well, what's nine times nine?"

Johnny answers without hesitation, "Eighty-one! Piece of cake!"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

"Legs," Johnny replied.

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" the teacher then asked.

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two
questions myself!"

[Damocles]

Lucy's Bad Habit

Little Lucy loved sucking her thumb so much. She was now five years old but hadn't stopped the bad habit. With an effort to
stop her from this bad practice, Lucy's mother lied to her that her stomach will swell and will finally burst if she doesn't stop the habit. The lie scared little Lucy that she actually stopped the habit immediately.

A month later, expectant Mrs. Blecker pays them a visit. When Lucy comes in to greet her she stops first to stare at Mrs. Blecker, then goes ahead with her greeting. Mrs. Blecker notices the hesitation and asks, "Hi, Lucy! I guess you are wondering where I've been, aren't you?"

The little girl answers, "Not exactly, Mrs. Blecker. I know what you've been doing and you better stop it fast."

[Damocles]

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[Damocles]

Meet Me Halfway

A wise schoolteacher sent this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I promise not to believe everything he says happens at home!"

[Damocles]

Memory Class

There was this old couple who was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful. They went home and told all of their relatives, friends and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approached the old man as he tended the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" the neighbor asked.

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute," Ed pondered. "What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?"

"You mean a rose?" the neighbor said.

"Yeah, that's it!" Ed said. Then shouting toward the house he yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

[Damocles]

Mental Health Lecture

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

[Damocles]

My Boots

It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.

The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.

Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today."

[Damocles]

My Father Is...

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She´s a doctor."

"That´s wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy´s house and rang the
bell. Billy´s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy´s father said, "I´m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[Damocles]

Nice Try...

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars please return to class."

[Damocles]

Nobody Wants to Go!

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay," he replied. "One: all the children hate me. Two: all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I should go to school."

"One," she started. "You're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

[Damocles]

Phonetics

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

[Damocles]

Punishment Assigned

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled. "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment was more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asked.

"Well teacher, based on what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Damocles]

Religion in the Classroom

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The
teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little Girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little Girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

[Damocles]

Saving Lives

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

[Damocles]

Science Lesson

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!

[Damocles]

Singing Country Music

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner. "Any butthole can sing country music."

[Damocles]

Smart Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know - math always was a little hard to swallow."

[Damocles]

Smarter Than Average Delivery Boy

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

[Damocles]

Testing

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.

"Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?"

"Doesn't matter," replied the professor. . . ."I just keep changing the ANSWERS."

[Damocles]

The Class Star

So you think you know American History . . . Huh . . .?

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Confounded Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well you can ----!"

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[Damocles]

The Gentleman

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.

"Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."

"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."

"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

[Damocles]

The School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[Damocles]

Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

[Damocles]

What Did You Learn?

The child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

[Damocles]

What Would You Do?

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

[Damocles]

What's My Name?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?" he asked the professor.

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[Damocles]

Her Gift

A man bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas and hid it in the closet.

Unfortunately, she found it and confronted him with it.

"This wouldn't be my only Christmas present from you, would it?" she asked.

Caught and quickly realizing his mistake, he recovered nicely. "No, of course not, dear! It's just...a stocking stuffer!"

[Damocles]

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnnie had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do?

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnnie what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnnie's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. I want a d#!n teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a d#!n train going around the d#!n tree. And when I go outside I want to see a d#!n bike leaning up against the d#!n garage.

Christmas morning, Little Johnnie woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnnie walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnnie replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the him."

[Damocles]

Running Late

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired. To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my
reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

[Damocles]

The Christmas Rush

A woman was really under the holiday gun—she felt like she just had to go to every party, taste every holiday treat, find a perfect gift for everyone on her list, send the nicest card, and then respond to everyone else's card.

The Saturday before Christmas she took her kids shopping in a big downtown department store and spent hours looking at row after row of toys while her children begged for everything they saw.

Finally, she was ready to leave, but when the elevator finally arrived, it was nearly full. She'd had enough. She pushed her kids and all her shopping bags into the elevator anyway.

When the doors finally closed, she heaved a big sigh, and moaned to herself, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and killed."

From the back of the car came a quiet whisper, "Don't worry...they already crucified him!"