Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Inevitably when a computer becomes sentient it also becomes evil and apparently stupid, as the first thing is dose is to kill it's creator, thereby preventing any chance for future patches and instantly revealing it's intentions (world domination, of course!)

[Damocles]

Finding, secret hidden files is as simple as typing "find all hidden secret files".

[Damocles]

Alien computer systems can be completely understood in a few minutes by an passing hero. Likewise the rule about viruses applies here to.

[Damocles]

Entire sub systems of space ship operating systems can be re-written in a few hours at most. This rewiring NEVER introduces bugs of any sort.

[Damocles]

Every thing is connected to the Internet and all information is available from here as well. Hence any computer system connected to it can:-

[Damocles]

Access banking and credit card details

[Damocles]

Scratch and alter FBI and police records, including photographs

[Damocles]

Control any CCTV camera and be able to recognize faces from it

[Damocles]

Control the microwave oven in our house

[Damocles]

Computers given a very difficult task to do will:-

-Draw more power than normal

-Make more beeping, buzzing or other sounds than is normal

-and finally will probably explode, taking all of the building/space ship/space station or even planet, with it!

[Damocles]

Computer screens generally have the brightness turned up to full (and then some!) so that any text on screen can be seen on the faces of our hero's.

[Damocles]

Encrypted data can be decrypted by any hero using nothing more than a laptop (almost always a Mac) in a few hours.

[Damocles]

Passwords will be be guessed in two or at most three attempts.

[Damocles]

Robots built by evil, world dominating computers will always power down the moment that the computer is destroyed.

[Damocles]

How To Spot Aliens At Work
This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.

Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.

Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.

Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.

Constant questioning about customs of co-workers.

Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.

Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high- tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

[Damocles]

Evil Overlord Jokes.

[Damocles]

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

[Damocles]

If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

I consider myself to be smarter than most, in fact I sometimes see things and just know I can do it better. Case in point, the other day I was watching a few sci-fi flicks and realized just how dumb these evil overlord guys are. Tell you what, if I ever become (muahahaha) an evil overlord, I’m gonna do it right:

[Damocles]

* My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

[Damocles]

* My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

[Damocles]

* My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. It’s just not as scary.

[Damocles]

* I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.

[Damocles]

* The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

[Damocles]

* I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

[Damocles]

* I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.

[Damocles]

* When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll shoot him, and then say “No”.

[Damocles]

* After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

[Damocles]

* I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I’ll do it myself.

[Damocles]

* I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

[Damocles]

* I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.