Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Top 35 Oxymorons

1. Government Worker
2. Legally drunk
3. Exact estimate
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Resident alien
7. Genuine imitation
8. Airline Food
9. Good grief
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Small crowd
14. Business ethics
15. Soft rock
16. Butt Head
17. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
19. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
20. "Now, then ..."
21. Passive aggression
22. Clearly misunderstood
23. Peace force
24. Extinct Life
25. Plastic glasses
26. Terribly pleased
27. Computer security
28. Political science
29. Tight slacks
30. Definite maybe
31. Pretty ugly
32. Rap music
33. Working vacation
34. Religious tolerance
35. Microsoft Works

[Damocles]

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If...

1. Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
2. You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
3. Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
4. You wire your network with jumper cables.
5. Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
6. You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
7. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
8. Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
9. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
10. Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
11. Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
12. You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
13. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
14. Your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
15. When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
16. Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
17. You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

[Damocles]

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, standing up is more difficult than from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake. We aren't deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us alone when we look. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't light the fuse if you don't want the explosion.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like "I love you!".

[Damocles]

THINGS TO PONDER OVER

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Damocles]

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[Damocles]

Animals Have The Darndest Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW
whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimp-knight never comes out of the castle to fight
me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue
patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my jewels?!?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

[Damocles]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE REDNECK IF...

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
"Cool Whip" on the side..

2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...

3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...

4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...

5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. If you think a quarter horse is the ride in front of K-Mart...

7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home..

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $1000,000 worth of
improvement...

9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher..

10. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

11. if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...

12. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and
you take them out to see...

[Damocles]

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN

This is a list of how to talk about Men and be Politically Correct:

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

[Damocles]

STATE SLOGANS

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

[Damocles]

30 WAYS TO SAY NO

I'd love to, but...

1: I have to floss my cat.
2: I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3: I want to spend more time with my blender.
4: The President said he might drop in.
5: The man on television told me to stay tuned.
6: I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8: It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9: It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10: I'm building a pig from a kit.
11: I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12: I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13: There's a disturbance in the Force.
14: I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15: I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17: I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18: I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19: I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20: My crayons all melted together.
21: I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22: I'm in training to be a household pest.
23: I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24: My patent is pending.
25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26: I'm sandblasting my oven.
27: I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28: I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29: I'm being deported.
30: The grunion are running.

[Damocles]

KIDS THINGS

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX . (poor woman)

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house
4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight
when dizzy

[Damocles]

BOYS AND GIRLS

Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are
created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it
will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll
look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour
later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow
find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're
driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what
nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a
gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress
them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken
dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs
got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves
in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start
painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy
to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they
look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early
age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the
age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes
them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they
learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you
turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons You've Got It Easy In Jail

1. Every night there's a mint on your pillow.
2. Bars of your cell are rusty from Jacuzzi-steam.
3. Guards meet with you to help plan your escape.
4. They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals. In the resulting riot, ten died.
5. You share a cell with one of Heidi Fleiss' girls.
6. You get frequent flier miles for good behavior.
7. You have a summer cell in the Hamptons.
8. Every day around 4:00 -- pony rides!
9. Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville."
10. You call the warden "daddy."

[Damocles]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock
broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Damocles]

DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done
and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn
fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To error is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

And lastly, 'responsible management' and "hands-on management' are both
oxymorons.

[Damocles]

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM !

[Damocles]

Jokes To Play on Fellow Astronauts Aboard The International Space Station

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear
battle and everyone is now dead.

Look out the window any scream "We're being boarded!!"

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell
"That's for Pearl Harbour!!..."

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then
exclaim that "they were asking for it with all their late-night
cooking smells"

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien
planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from being cocooned!

Lock someone outside and tell him you won't let them in until he guesses
the right number between 1-million. Then tell him you were only kidding
and testing his resilience under pressure, and let him in just before his
air runs out.

Dump a bottle of Vodka in the Russian's space suit, smash him over the
head with his space hat, and as he reels about, point at him and exclaim
to everyone: "Hey, look at Euvonnamokinov, he's drunk in space! Lock him
in the ejection pod till we return!"

Instead of bringing your experiments on board, smuggle in a horse!

When docking the shuttle, start beating the Viking war drum you hid by the
controls and yell "RAMMING SPEED"

[Damocles]

NEW FLORIDA STATE SLOGANS

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one
of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts...

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, no wait...10 miles.

[Damocles]

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to
detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the
movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[Damocles]

TWENTY RESPONSES TO USE WITH TELEMARKETERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . .. "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work
there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many
kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun
if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends,
would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they
can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if
he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out
their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . .
.. louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word
down.

[Damocles]

Name Your Child According To Your Profession

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

[Damocles]

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM BAD 80'S MOVIES

Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and slacks.
Dumb people wear football uniforms.

Everyone in high school was having sex except you and the class
valedictorian.

Your dog is way smarter than you.

France is populated entirely by attractive young women and Gerard Depardieu.

Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey."

Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.

Parents always come back from vacation a day early.

There are no ugly prostitutes.

It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last three seconds of
the game.

Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.

The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong side of the
road.

A student who's failing every class can still rig up an elaborate device to
to answer his phone when he calls in sick.

[Damocles]

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. The monitor is up on blocks

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

3. The six front keys have rotted out

4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they
were just dipped in gasoline

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six

6. The password is "Bubba"

7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU

8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage

10. The mouse is referred to as the "critter"

[Damocles]

ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS

REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right-of-way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back some beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Don't remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

REDNECK PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours
of time. NOTE: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method.

REDNECK DINING OUT

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

REDNECK ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.

REDNECK DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

REDNECK THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.

REDNECK WEDDING ETIQUETTE

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It's not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but also a
proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Also, though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

REDNECK ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview, and don't ask if they press
charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say, "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.

Always provide an alibi for family members to the police.

[Damocles]

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still.
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

[Damocles]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA

1.

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2.

You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6.

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10.

A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11.

Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
14.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16.

It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".
17.

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
18.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20.

You AND your dog have therapists.

[Damocles]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM ARIZONA IF:

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of
sand and l00 paper bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after
October but clear out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El"
or "Los".

7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that
you can't remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing
funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in
the Rillito.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be
over l00 degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the
hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo",
"Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon
Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of
your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in
terms of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy
days.

40. If you haven't worked for Raytheon at some time, you must be a
newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight
savings time.

[Damocles]

MOTHERS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE

The following are some little known quotes from the mothers of famous
people in history:

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I
would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money
across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been
for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

[Damocles]

HOW COLD IS IT?

+60 Californians put on sweaters.

+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 Italian cars don't start.

+32 Water freezes.

+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.

+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.