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Old March 28th, 2009, 06:29 PM   #241
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
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Old March 29th, 2009, 10:35 AM   #242
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What is the difference between a Cardassian and a Frankenstein Monster?

Spoiler
Nothing. Berman ran out of cliches he could rip off!
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:06 AM   #243
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Musician jokes.

A drummer walks into a library and says: "Hi I'll have a burger,fries, and a large coke." The librarian responds: Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!" The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke." New.gif (1732 bytes)

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" New.gif (1732 bytes)

Q - Why did the drummer join the band?
A - He wanted to hang out with musicians.

Q - What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A - Drool.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. They have machines to do that now.

Q - "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
A - "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:08 AM   #244
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

*

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

Q - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A - So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q - How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A - The knock always slows down.

Q - How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A - Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:26 AM   #245
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:27 AM   #246
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A - So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q - How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
A - Shoot one.

Q - Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A - To get away from the drum solo.

Q - What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A - The Drummer.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:29 AM   #247
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do drummers use for birth control?
A - Their personalities

Q - Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A - Because he woke the baby Jesus!

From the Drummers Dictionary: Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo

Q - What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A - Gifted.

Q - Why do bands need Roadies?
A - To translate what the drummer says.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:32 AM   #248
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Two drummers walk into a bar, which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. (Bar, get it!, Not a Pub)

Q - What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A - Farfromthinken

Q - What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A - You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q - How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q - What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A - Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:35 AM   #249
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A - You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q - Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A - You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Q - If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A - The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

Q - What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:37 AM   #250
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A - A really stupid gorilla!!!

Q - Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A - Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q - How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Q - Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A - So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the felgercarb on the road.

Q - Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A - Me either.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:39 AM   #251
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A - So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q - How can you make a drummer slow down?
A - Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q - How can you make that drummer stop?
A - Put notes on it!

Q - How can you tell when a drummer's at the bathdoor?
A - The knocking speeds up.

Q - How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A - He doesn't know when to come in.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:42 AM   #252
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer? "Beats me!"

Q - How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A - You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q - How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A - The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q - How can you tell when the stage riser is NOT level?
A - The drool only comes out of one side of the drummer's mouth.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:45 AM   #253
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A bloke walks into a shop and asks for a 50 watt Marshall amplifier and a Fender Stratocaster guitar.The shop assistant says "Excuse me sir, but you're a drummer aren't you?". The man says "How could you tell?"."Well this is a laundrette" says the assistant.

Q - What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A - "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q - What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A - "Would you like fries with that?"

Q - What is the difference between and chiropodist and a drummer?
A - A chiropodist bowls up your feet.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:46 AM   #254
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A - Homeless.

Q - What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A - About four bars by the end of the song.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer's riser is level?
A - The drool comes out of both sides of their mouth at once.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - one, if the roadie gets the steps, takes the old bulb out, and puts the new one in.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:51 AM   #255
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - five. One to actually do it, and four to say how much better Lars Ulrich would have done it.

Q - How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door?
A - What's a percussionist? (You know this guy is a drummer!)

Johnny says to his mum: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q - What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
A - "Ching, Badumdum".

Q - How do you make a flautist into a drummer?
A - You put another useless stick in his hand, and lower his I.Q. by 30 points.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer is walking behind you?
A - You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 09:53 AM   #256
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

And finally the end of the drummer jokes.

Q - How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword puzzle?
A - All the squares have been colored in.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:15 AM   #257
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Brass and Winds:

* At each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Q - What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A - Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. New.gif (1732 bytes)

Q - What's the definition of a decent human being?
A - Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn't.

That's all for them, folks.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:18 AM   #258
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What kind of music player does a dog listen to?

An I-Pup
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:19 AM   #259
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The ruben with the strato-castor is next.
Huh?
Guitarist.
I said I was through with the drummer jokes!

Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream

Q - What's the best sound you can make with a guitar?
A - A splash.

Q - How many guitar players does it take to wallpaper a room?
A - Three, if you slice them thin enough.

Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:20 AM   #260
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless

Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A - Drunk and late......... as usual

Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:22 AM   #261
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put sheet music in front of him.

Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.

Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.

Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A - Counterpoint.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:24 AM   #262
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A - Pick on someone your own size!

Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.

Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:26 AM   #263
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A - "Will the defendant please rise ..."

Q - In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?
A - Five, one to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..

Q - How do you know when the stage is level?
A - The guitarist is leaning to the left at 15 degrees. (Think about it!)

Q - What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A - You can negotiate with the PLO.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:28 AM   #264
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Two guys were walking down the street, One was destitute, The other was a guitarist as well.

Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
A - Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q - What type of fish makes your guitar sound better?
A - A tuner-fish.

Q - What's the difference between an extra large pizza and a guitarist?
A - None, they both can't feed a family of four.

Q - What do you get when you cross Yngwie with an octopus?
A - A guy that can play a Steve Vai transcription!
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:31 AM   #265
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A - Strung out!

Q - What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A - Laughing at 'em.

Q - What did the guitarist say to his crying guitar?
A - Don't fret!

Q - What's the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar?
A - Solitaire.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:32 AM   #266
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A - He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q - What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
A - Both suck when you plug them in.

Q - How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A - Shoot One.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a Porsche?
A - Most musicians have never been a Porsche.

Q - How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A - He holds it and the world revolves around him.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:34 AM   #267
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A - Because that deep down, tiu won't hear them!

Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A - "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. They just steal somebody else's light!

Q - Why do guitar players leave their capos on their dashboards?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spaces!

Q - Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A - Neither have I.

Q - What's the range of a Fender Strat?
A - Depends on how far you can throw it.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:36 AM   #268
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A - By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q - What do a guitar solo and an income tax audit have in common?
A - You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q - What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A - Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Five, One to change the bulb, and four to say "I could have done better than that"

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:38 AM   #269
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A - Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q - Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?
A - No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.

Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?
A - You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q - What is a "nerd" ?
A - Someone who owns an Classical Guitar
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Old March 30th, 2009, 10:40 AM   #270
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and an Electric Guitar?
A - You can tune a lawn mower.

Q - How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb ?
A - Five, One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar ?
A - Don't add oil.

Q - What is a gentleman ?
A - Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

Q - What's the range for an Electric Guitar ?
A - About twenty yards if you have a good throwing arm.
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