Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

The Watermelon Farmer

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was fairly successful, but was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat the watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea to scare the kids away. He made a sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids showed up and saw a sign, that said: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer showed up the next week and when he looked at the field he realized that no watermelons were missing, but he saw a new sign next to his.

The sign read: "Now there are two."

[Damocles]

This Old Lady

Three old ladies were sitting in a diner, chatting.

One lady said, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady said, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiled smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She rapped on the table. With a startled look on her face, she asked, "Who's there?"

[Damocles]

Three Gifts for Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[Damocles]

Throw It Overboard

"Shall I bring you your lunch on deck, sir?" asked the cruise ship steward.

"No," replied the queasy passenger, "just throw it overboard and save us both some time."

[Damocles]

Tiny Bikini

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

[Damocles]

Toppings

The elderly veteran shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and slowly and painfully pulled himself up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split, with all the toppings.

Noticing the old man's pain, the waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

[Damocles]

Touring Ireland

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."

[Damocles]

Trouble Afloat

Once upon a time, there was a little country boy who lived in a home without indoor plumbing. The little boy hated their outhouse because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and smelled gross all year long.

One boring day, after a huge spring rain made the creek rise nearly to the outhouse, he decided to push the evil thing into the creek. He pushed and pushed until he got it rocking back and forth and finally it toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night, his dad confronted him. "Someone pushed our outhouse into the creek today. Tell the truth, son. It was you, wasn't it?"

"Yes, dad, it was," the boy admitted.

"Then tonight, after dinner, you and I are heading for the woodshed," the man told his son.

"But, dad," argued the boy, "in school we learned that when George Washington was little, he chopped down a cherry tree and he didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

His dad replied, "Well, son, that may be, but George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

[Damocles]

Trucker Clock, Who Wants It?

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his 'therapy.'

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

[Damocles]

Two Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hearby give you the gift of life."

"You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied.

[Damocles]

Underage Sex

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[Damocles]

Understanding the Doctor

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor. "After the first, I´m tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half an hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don´t you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.

"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."

[Damocles]

Unpleasant Testing

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

[Damocles]

Visiting Grandma

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed?"

[Damocles]

Washin' the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

[Damocles]

Weaving All Over the Road

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

[Damocles]

What Now?

A wealthy man and his wife were driving down the freeway in their new BMW when out of nowhere came a truck, head on. The wife was thrown from the car and was laying along side the road. The man appeared to be unhurt. As a crowd gathered, another man stepped forward.

"I'm a doctor," said the stranger. "Let me take a look."

The stranger assessed the situation and said, "I'm afraid I'll have to give her artificial respiration."

"Don't you dare!" said wealthy man, "I can afford the real thing!"

[Damocles]

What?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[Damocles]

Where's Your Wife?

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[Damocles]

Win-Win Situation

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[Damocles]

Wrong House

Bob was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What can I do for you?" Bob politely asked. "You selling something?"

"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.

"A what?" Bob asked, more confused than ever.

"A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well, you're wasting your time here," Bob answered finally. "I have no idea."

[Damocles]

Wrong Way?

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[Damocles]

Your Mother Insulted Me...

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:"

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.

[Damocles]

50th Wedding Anniversary

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the 'good old days.'

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

[Damocles]

A Different Perspective

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

[Damocles]

Absolutely Sweet Marie

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

[Damocles]

Advice from a Friend

As he walked through the front door, the husband said to his wife, "Honey, I've invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I didn't go shopping. The dishes are all dirty. And I don't feel like cooking a big meal!" she burst out, simply disgusted with her husband's abrupt decision.

"Oh, I know all that," he replied with a gleam in his eye.

"Then why did you invite someone to supper?" she inquired.

"Because the poor fool wants to get married!"

[Damocles]

Attention to Detail

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke, "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!" responded his bride lovingly.

"Good," he continued. "That's how I want my breakfast served every morning!"

[Damocles]

Brides Wear White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

[Damocles]

Check-Up

A sixty year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you might live forever; you have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The man responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he, and is he very active?"

The man responded, "Well, he's eighty-two years old, and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The man responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished! You mean to tell me that you're sixty years old, and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The man responded, "He goes skiing at least once a year and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, but my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why would your grandfather want to get married?"

The man responded, "Did I say he wanted to?"