Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Presidential Campaign Slogans--
If people from Star Trek ran for president, what would their campaign slogans be like?
Vote Dax/Odo
The team that adapts.

Vote for Troi.
"I feel your pain!"

Lursa/B'tor
Who needs an election?

Vote Chacotay
A REAL American!

Vote for Spock.
"Yes I did do spores back in the 60's but I did not inhale!"

Picard
Make it so.

Vote Gowron
or else!

Vote for Locutus.
Resistance is futile

[Damocles]

Voyager Parody

Star Trek: Voyager--"Adverloruim E Pluribus Unium"

(exterior shot: The USS Voyager speeds through the uncharted Delta Quadrant on it's long journey home. She backfires twice.)

(Interior, bridge: The entire crew, except Torres and the Doctor, are there)

Janeway: Mr. Paris. Did you put in regular unleaded? I specifically told you to put in $20 worth of super duper ultra fantastic unleaded with Techron. That stuff ain't cheap you know.

Paris: Honest captain! I put in the expensive stuff!

Janeway: I make it a policy to trust anyone wearing that uniform. I believe you Mr. Paris.

Paris: (silently to himself as he pockets a ten dollar bill) Sucker.

(Cut to the Voyager opening sequence, sung to the theme of Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this Bajoran port
Aboard this tiny ship.
The Captain was a la-dy
A female tried and true.
Those officer's set sail that day.
For a 3 hour tour
A 3 hour tour

The plasma started gettin rough
The tiny ship was thrown.
If not for the brain of the fearless cap.
The core would've blown.
The core would've blown.

The ship stopped here on the edge of this
Uncharted Delta Quad.
With Janeway!
Chacotay too!
Tom Paris!
Neelix and Kes!
The Hol-o-gram.
The dweeb and the Klingon!
Here on UPN!!!

(interior of the bridge)

Kim: Are we there Yet?

Janeway: No, Harry. Be patient.

Chacotay: Well, I don't know about you, but I could use a shower.

(To Janeway) Care to join me, sweet cheeks?

Janeway: (really miffed) Your out of line commander!

Chacotay: Oh, come on it's just a joke.

Janeway: Well, I'M not laughing!

Chacotay: Oh, you should take it as a compliment! It looks like you haven't been with a man since Doctor McCoy started wearing Depends!

Janeway: I have a boyfriend!!!

Chacotay: (sarcastically) Ohhhhhh. I bet he's a lucky man to wake up to that face every morning.

Paris: You two stop fighting right now or I'm going to turn this starship around and go back the way we came!!!

(Chacotay and Janeway look at each other and sit down)

Kim: Are we there yet.

Janeway: No Honey, push the pretty buttons why don't you?

Kim: Okeydokey!

Tuvok: Captain, I must warn you. As you know, Vulcans must mate once every seven years. well it's been 6 years, 11 months, and 30 days, and, as humans would say, I'm horney as hell.

Neelix: Can't you cross your legs or something?

Tuvok: I am afraid not.

Janeway: (Concerned) If Tuvok's mating instinct takes hold of him, no woman on the ship is safe!

(Chacotay smirks)

Janeway: Or men!

(Chacotay frowns, shifts in his seat and crosses his legs)

Chacotay: Commander Chacotay to sickbay. Activate emergency medical holographic program. (no answer) Doctor are you there?

Kes: Oh, that doesn't work anymore! I hooked the doctor to a clapper!

Chacotay: A what!?

Kes: You know, clap on! (She claps twice)

Doctor: (On intercom) Please state the nature...

Kes: Clap off! (she claps two more times and the Doctor vanishes)

Kim: Cool!!! (He begins clapping really fast)

Doctor: Please... stop... doing... that... you... little... son... of...a...

Chacotay: No Harry, Bad!

Kim: (Begins to cry) I just wanted to have (sniff) uh... uh... little fun. (He blows his nose on his uniform making a disgusting snot stain)

Neelix: You know I could make a wonderful pasta sauce out of that!

(Paris fights back the vomit)

Janeway: (claps twice) Can you hear me Doctor?

Doctor: Yes captain, please inform Mr. Kim that his next physical will be exceptionally PAINFULL!!!

(Kim swallows hard)

Janeway: We need your opinion about Mr. Tuvok.

Doctor: Ah! You need a Doctor to pull that bug out of his butt?

Janeway: Well, if you're not too... Uh, no, no, his seven year mating cycle is almost here and we need your help. Frankly we're fearing for our lives!

Tuvok: You should! My wife calls me the Energizer Bunny!

Chacotay: (even more fearful than before) Dammit doctor, what do you suggest!?

Doctor: Um, restraints?

Tuvok: Nope.

Doctor: drugs?

Tuvok: uhhh uhhh.

Kim: A really good issue of Playboy?

Tuvok: Shut up Harry!

Doctor: Well, I see only one alternative then.

Tuvok: And what would that be?

Doctor: (singing) You're not going to like it!

Tuvok: Doctor, I am a Vulcan. I can neither like or dislike your suggestion. Now, what is it?

Doctor: (clears his throat) Castration.

(There is a long silence on the bridge)

Kim: What does that mean?

Janeway: I'll explain later Harry. Tuvok? Are you OK?

Tuvok: (A tear rolls down his face) If... it will protect the crew...I will (his voice cracks) make the sacrifice.

Doctor: Excellent! I'll see you at 1500 hours!

Kes: (jumping) Wow! I've never castrated anyone before. Well, not on purpose anyway!

(Neelix looks at Kes suspiciously)

(Sickbay 1459 hours: Kes and Janeway are handing the Doctor a considerable of money)

Kes: Okay, $100 bucks says he'll show.

Janeway: Tuvok isn't crazy! $100 bucks says he won't.

(Tuvok enters the room)

Janeway: Dammit!

Doctor: Ah! right on time. Are you ready Mr. Tuvok?

(Tuvok nods)

Doctor: Are you sure? You look as pale as a ghost.

Tuvok: (hoarsely) P... prr... pro... pro... ceed.

Kes: Doctor, can we try out the new photon scalpel? (She activates it and blows a hole in the wall) OOPS! I had it up a little too high.

Doctor: No, that is the correct setting. (he approaches Tuvok with the hypospray)

Tuvok: Wait just a [BEEP][BEEP] minute! That crazy [BEEP] isn't coming near my [BEEP] with that [BEEP]ing thing!

Kes: Do you kiss you're mother with that mouth?

Janeway: Commander! You are not acting logically!

Tuvok: [BEEP] logic. I'm outta here! (He knocks down Kes and runs down the corridor)

Janeway: Janeway to security chief!

Tuvok: (over intercom) Yes captain?

Janeway: Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

(The Briefing Room: Everybody is there, minus Tuvok and the Doctor)

Torres: We've searched the entire ship and there is no sign of Tuvok.

Paris: We wouldn't have to search the ship if SOMEONE hadn't taken apart the sensor array to see how it worked! (looks at Kim who is looking at the floor)

Chacotay: Well we have to find his before he... (swallows hard) does something to one of us.

Janeway: Don't worry, we will. And soon!

Torres: How much time do we have?

Kim: According to my calculations, one hour.

(Ships corridor, 59 minutes later: Chacotay is walking to a turbolift)

Chacotay: (Singing) I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight! (A sudden noise is heard, Chacotay whirls around, but sees nothing. He continues singing with a shaky voice) Have you had a break today? (Another sound, he whirls around again and catches a fleeting glimpse of a shadow. He begins to sing again, terror is heard in his voice) Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, Meow, Meow... (the lift doors open and he hurriedly jumps inside) Whew. Bridge. (the doors slowly close, then a hand quickly trusts it's way in and forces the doors open. TUVOK!)

Tuvok: (Breathing hard) Hello... Commander.

Chacotay: (Backing up to the far side of the lift) Uhhh, hi uh hi!

Tuvok: Computer! Stop turbolift!

Chacotay: (Shaking in his boots) Tuvok why did... What are you looking at?

Tuvok! This isn't funny! (Tuvok slowly steps forward) Tuvok! NO!

(Bridge: Ops)

Kim: Captain, I swear I hear someone screaming in the turbolift!

Janeway: Now Harry, what have I told you about fibbing?

(The turbolift)

Chacotay: (Bug eyed) Tuvok! Stop right there! That's an order mister!

(Tuvok continues to advance. Chacotay pulls out his phaser) I Mean it! Stop! (Tuvok has his mind on one thing and one thing only. He doesn't listen.)

(The Bridge again: Kim has his ear to the lift doors)

Kim: I'm not fibbing captain! I think Commander Chacotay is screaming in the turbolift!

Paris: Harry, now why would Chacotay be screaming in the turbolift, huh?

(They all laugh, then realize why)

All: OH MY GOD!

Janeway: Harry! Get those doors open!

Harry: Yes sir, uh ma'am, uh captain!

(The Turbolift)

Chacotay: (Sweating, trembling terrified) Tuvok! I don't want to kill you, But I will to stay straight! (Tuvok gets closer) Noooooooooooo!

Tuvok: (Struggling) Kill... Me... P... lease!

Chacotay: (Hysterically) Oh, as long as it's all right with you. (He Fires)

(the bridge)

(Lift doors open and Tuvok falls out. Janeway sticks her head in the lift and sees Chacotay trembling in the corner)

Janeway: Oh God! We're too late!

Torres: No captain! I don't think that he... got anywhere.

Janeway: In most cases I've seen like this, there is very little left of the victim after the attacker is done!

Kim: I don't understand! Why was Tuvok so weird today?

Janeway: Shut up Harry! (She checks Tuvok?s pulse) He's not dead! Take him to sickbay!

(Sickbay: Tuvok is still out)

Doctor: It was actually quiet fortunate Commander Chacotay stunned Mr. Tuvok. Now he will remain unconscience throughout the rest of his (clears throat) horny mode.

Janeway: That's a relief. How's Chacotay?

Doctor: I finally got him to say something other than, "There's no place like home.", so he should be fine in a day or two, as will Mr. Tuvok.

Janeway: Thank you Doctor. (She claps twice and the Doctor vanishes)

(The Bridge: Every one is there, except Chacotay and Tuvok, and the Doctor)

Kim: Are we there yet?

Janeway: No, dear.

Kim: I gotta pee.

Janeway: Well you should have thought of that before we... (The Lift doors open and Chacotay steps out)

Chacotay: (Looking at everyone in annoyance) WHAT!? (The lift doors open again, out comes Tuvok)

Tuvok: Ah Commander, I was hoping to speak with you.

Chacotay: (Worried) You were?

Tuvok: I wanted to apologize for trying to, "jump your bones." I was not Myself.

Chacotay: Apology accepted Mr. Tuvok.

Tuvok: Thank you sir. (He slaps the Commanders butt) See you in 7 years.

(Tuvok returns to his station, Chacotay cautiously returns to his)

Janeway: Isn't that cute? Tuvok made a little joke.

Chacotay: Yeah (a nervous laugh) a joke. (A bead of sweat rolls down his face)

(exterior, space: The USS Voyager {which for some really stupid reason was traveling at impulse power throughout the entire episode} lifts it's engines and goes to warp.)

Kim's Voice: (Echoing in space) Are we there yet? ...there yet? ...there yet?

THE END?

Stay tuned to the next exciting episode of Star Trek: Voyager when Kes cuts the cake and Neelix cuts the cheese, all while a strange alien being forces the crew to watch "Spock's Brain" over and over again.

[Damocles]

The Top Ten Pranks at Q University

10. Melting Professors!

9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!

8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during football games.

7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.

6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm rooms.

5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.

4. Going to the prom as your date.

3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!

2. Interdimensional panty raids.

1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!

[Damocles]

Top Ten Pickup Lines of the Q

10. Sleep with me and I'll give your civilization the gift of fire.

9. Hwooo Whee! If you ain't the prettiest thing I've seen this millennia!

8. I'll make the Sun explode for you . . . and then we'll have sex.

7. Have you ever had an omnipotent immortal? You'll never go back!

6. Why yes, I am God.

5. Trouble sleeping?

4. Have you ever been the scarecrow? Have you ever done the scarecrow?

3. I was bored with everything; I was ready to end it all . . . until I met you.

2. I can give you everything you want, but I'm all you'll need.

and the number one Q pickup line:

1. Bonjour, Mon Capitaine!

[Damocles]

Top 10 Immediate Results
of the Federation' Defeat at Wolf 359
10. Admirals may no longer use starships solely to impress dates.
9. Package delivery really, really hampered.
8. Now everyone has the opportunity to be the only ship in the sector!
7. List of "retired" NCC numbers jumped 25% in one hour.
6. Night before "Active Ship Roster" quiz, students in Starfleet Academy's Fleet Operations 101 class can go out and party instead of pulling an all-nighter like last year's class.
5. Certain entrepeneurs left with a huge glut of "I Kicked Some Borg Butt At Wolf 359" T-shirts.
4. Special "War and Dismemberment" mini-series planned.
3. Utopia Planetia Shipyards, Inc. stock up 340%.
2. Sudden upturn in number of people applying for Space Salvage license.
1. Sector renamed "Sheep 359".
home

[Damocles]

ST:TNG NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

[Damocles]

Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe

1. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun".
2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 or a Wookie.
3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
4. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
5. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
6. One word: lightsabers.
7. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
8. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
9. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

[Damocles]

Star Trek with Dilbert Management
This section was "stolen" from The Dilbert Newsletter 13.01. To get the Dilbert Newsletter go to The Dilbert Zone. Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.

1. After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
2. Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
3. All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
4. Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
5. As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
6. Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
7. The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
8. As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
9. Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
10. A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
11. The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.
and an original one from FRANK...
12. The Enterprise is destroyed after the "transparent upgrade" to the power sytems causes the weapon and shield controls to malfunction.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Least Popular Courses at Starfleet Academy
10. Admiral Uniform Design.

9. Anthropology 502: Mating Habits of the Pakled.

8. Crashing Starships on Planets.

7. Literature 404: The Knock-Knock Joke In Vulcan Literature.

6. Jim KirkÕs Women: A Career Retrospective.

5. Engineering 101: Inflating Repair Estimates.

4. Horta Wrestling.

3. Klingon Cuisine (lab).

2. Statistics 300: The Data On Command Baldness.

1. Android Studies: The Role of Mechanicals in Federation History.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Starfleet General Orders
Other Than the Prime Directive
10. Order 13: No flag officer shall be required to perform a fan-dance.

9. Order 101: No transmissions on an open channel may contain the term "gnarly".

8. Order 4: Pony tails are only allowed for peronnel who have whacked a guy with a bat'leth.

7. Order 21: Phaser rifles may no longer be used to warm cheeseburgers.

6. Order 993: During first contact situations, senior officers are discouraged from telling alien races that they "smell like old socks".

5. Medical Regulation 702-B: All cheese products must report for annual physical.

4. Order 218: Unused bridge stations be used for "Mortal Kombat" tournaments only in drydock.

3. Order 8: When the Prime Directive is violated, the nearest starbase shall convene a court-martial to determine if it was a dramatic necessity.<.P 2. Order 66: When in a parking orbit over a non-Federation world, "The Club" should be locked in position over Conn and Ops stations.

1. Order 231: If bridge officers wish to chew gum, they must bring enough for entire bridge crew.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Ferengi Pickup Lines
10. "Nice teeth!"

9. "You know, if we allowed our women to wear clothes, you'd look great in red."

8. "I'm a Daemon hot for gamin'!"

7. "Wanna dance? I'm almost four-foot-six!"

6. "Yep, I must have run away from every ship in Starfleet...."

5. "Need a light?"

4. "Oooh....nice tax avoidance scheme!"

3. "How 'bout I show my my phaser burns?"

2. "Wow! What a lisp!"

1. "You know, in this light....your head looks just like a human butt."

[Damocles]

~~Next Generation meets Dr. Seuss~~



Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how
far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast, but still the trip
will last and last.
We'll have two days til we arrive, but can the Indrans
there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so,
please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we
mustn't, and we shan't.
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the
fire?
Riker: Not me!
Worf: Not me!
Picard: Computer, how long until we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think,
quite safely make,
Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so
it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I
say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives,
our ship and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet!
Data: Which by the way is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We
understand, we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, Please
make it so!
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires, and that's
what started all the fires!
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We
need to go!
Troi: We must seek out this traitor spy, and lock him up
and ask him why.
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say we give him
problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said
that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of
yet?
I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed
to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry
out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die! We must attempt, we must
try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: But they may be dead by tomorrow noon!
Commercial Break, Commercial Break!
How Long Will These Dumb Ads Take?
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig! He's very strong and
very big!
I had my phaser set on stun -- A zip! A zap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall. He would not stun,
no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple,
round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this
creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw,
quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles
now are at an end.
Crusher:Now let's get our ship to fly, and orbit yonder
Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!

[Damocles]

Star Trek: the Lost Episodes
All Our Everydays - The All-Old Generic [and Annotated] (and highly Condensed) ST:TOS Episode... Created By Robert Lentz Captain's log, Stardate 34539.1283 [the numbers get longer every rerun, ever notice that?] The Enterprise is heading for Sigma Beta Alpha (the pledge of half the crew). Almost nothing is happening.
Sulu: We're entering the system. Shall I assume standard orbit?
[Now there's a question. I've always wanted to hear Kirk say: "no, Sulu, I want the weirdest *bizarre* orbit you can imagine! I want us swinging through the treetops one minute and halfway to Eroticon VI the next! Show us your stuff, Sulu baby!"]
Kirk: All right, we're going down. Spock, how many ways are there to get killed on this planet?
Spock: Approximately two, Captain.
Kirk: *Security!* Two security officers. Who's on this week?
Intercom: Lebowitz and Markovitz, sir.
(In background: "I got killed last week, dammit! Send Bernstein!" "Listen, I was chewed into jello twice in one episode just last month! It's your turn!" Etc.)
(They beam down.)
[Kirk gives the orders in his usual inimitable fashion:]
Kirk: Lebowitz, you investigate the strange cave. Markovitz, you gather samples from the twitching plants. ... I'll go seduce the high priestess.
All: Yes Captain. [Which would you rather be?]
(Markovitz goes into the strange cave and comes out in a thousand pieces.)
[We all know what's coming next...]
McCoy: He's dead, Jim! [No kidding. Markovitz falls into a vat of boiling antimatter and Bones says "He's dead, Jim!" "...No Bones, I thought he was just napping on the job!" Well, that's TV writing.]
[We might as well dispose of his other line, too.]
Kirk: It's time for my physical, Bones.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician!
["I'm a doctor, not a ..." fill in the blank.]
["I'm a doctor, not a floor wax!"]
[No, wait, it's the NEW Doctor McCoy -- he's a doctor AND a floor wax! "He's dead, Jim -- but *look* at that *shine*!"]
[All right, now we get down to the meat of the episode.]
Kirk: Spock!
Bones: Jim!
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: Bones!
Scotty: Coptin!
Kirk: Scotty!
Bones: Spock!
Chekov: Keptin!
Spock: Jim!
Bones: Dammit!
Kirk: I want answers!
Scotty: They can't take much more!
[Neither can we.]
Bones: Jim!
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: Bones!
Scotty: Coptin!
Kirk: Kirk to Engineering!
Intercom: I'm sorry... the number you have dialed... is not in service.
Kirk: Whhatt!!?
[and so on.]
[All right, now we come down to the ending. Now, depending on which season the episode was in, there are three endings. They were very strict about this in the editing.]
[In the first season, it was the "test by superior beings" ending.]
Kirk: But what were these Old Ones, anyway?
Amazingly superior being: (appearing suddenly, waving a large magic wand Aha, it was all just a test! There's hope for you yet! We're not going to destroy you after all, at least not this century!
[It's always the Old Ones, too. Or the Great Ones. The Something Ones, anyhow. The Blue Ones, maybe.]
[No, the Dull Ones. "We poor inferior beings were put here by the Dull Ones. They put us to sleep for a thousand years. You woke us up, Kirk, so you must die."]
[The second season was the high-tension one. Kirk's on the planet with the hyperexplosive, it's time for a last-minute beam-up, and what's malfunctioning? THe transporter of course! No kidding.]
Spock: (over communicator Five. Four.
Kirk: Scotty, hurry up.
Spock: Three. Two.
Scotty: (over communicator It's fixed, but I don't...
Kirk: Scotty! Detonate and energize! (pause) No! ENERGIZE and DE... ***haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle***
[But in the third season, it was Spock. See, for the first couple years they hadn't really gotten his chaaracter down, but in the third season it was all well-defined.]
Kirk: Spock! Isn't it true that Vulcans have the ability to tapdance backwards through time while levitating through walls and juggling loaded phasers, blindfolded?
Spock: Yes, Captain, but it requires immense concentration.
Kirk: You'll just have to try, Spock!
Spock: Ommm... oooooo.... Oh, I did it. I guess it wasn't so hard after all.
[What really gets me about Spock is his amazing memory for trivia. Ancient history of a planet he wasn't born on, stellar maps, geography, arts & entertainment... I want to see this man on Jeopardy. No, wait, here's the scenario: Spock, HAL 9000, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, playing Jeopardy...]
AND OUR NEXT ANSWER IS: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY METERS. WHAT'S THE QUESTION? LET'S SEE WHAT OUR CONTESTANTS WROTE! SPOCK?
Spock: "What is the wingspan of a Klingon warship?"
THAT'S CORRECT, BUT IT'S NOT THE QUESTION WE'RE LOOKING FOR. HAL 9000?
HAL: "How wide is the docking bay?"
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT CORRECT.
HAL: Yes it is.
NO IT'S NOT.
HAL: I'll turn off your life support.
WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT!
[After a bit: The scene opens. HAL is missing.]
AND FOR FINAL JEOPARDY! THE ANSWER IS: FORTY-TWO! THE QUESTION IS...? SPOCK?
Spock: "How many roads must a man walk down?"
NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. OBI-WAN KENOBI?
Kenobi: "How many years must I wait in this f****** desert?"
[pause]
NO, WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.
Kenobi: you *can* accept that answer.
WE CAN ACCEPT THAT ANSWER!
Kenobi: Tell me what I've won.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE WON!

[Damocles]

Star Trek meets Windows 95
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"
Based on an unoriginal page by Omri Weisman

[Damocles]

Top Ten Mishaps That Happened On Dax's First Mission


10. The minor detail of running over the Stay-puff Marshmallow Man
9. Stopping off to see how the new tribble colony is doing
8. Starfleet stock dropped 500 points
7. Someone switched the spent phaser power packs with plastic flamingos
6. Every television in the universe mysteriously exploded at once
5. The Defiant attracted a wandering temporal vortex. As a consequence, Bill Clinton was never born. No one noticed.
4. Locating the mythical Temple of Shatner's Piece
3. Paying $90 to get Shatner's autograph at the mythical Temple of Shatner's Piece
2. After being away from Worf, realizing that Julian really is way better for Dax. Minor changes are made to the upcoming wedding plans. (wait, this isn't a mishap...)
1. Getting lost in the Argolius Cluster...and having to ask directions from a passing Jem'Hadar ship

[Damocles]

Star Trek Groaners.


Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift weights?
Answer: The "He's dead, Gym"!

[Damocles]

Question: How many ears does Picard have?
Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

[Damocles]

Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: "Make it sew."

[Damocles]

Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "Why did you let Troi win at poker?"
Answer: "Because I Riker."

[Damocles]

Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?
Answer: "It was a good day to dye."

[Damocles]

Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?
Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again."

[Damocles]

Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?
Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.

[Damocles]

Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: "Captain, we are being hailed."

[Damocles]

Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter duplicate?
Answer: "We're Number One! We're Number One!"

[Damocles]

Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?
Answer: Because one's a Doc, one's a Worf, and one's a Marina.

[Damocles]

Question: What does Major Kira's emergency signal sound like?
Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.

[Damocles]

Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet Academy?
Answer: It's called the Kirk Tenor Prize.

[Damocles]

Question: How many of the Enterprise's senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.

[Damocles]

Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on their date?
Answer: "I'm BLIND!"

[Damocles]

Question: What did Lore use to kill Data's cat?
Answer:Spot remover.