Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Email forwarders

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me...

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!

He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and
DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we
send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,
NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.
The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months!

(No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)

[Damocles]

Pirate jokes:

[Damocles]

sea air fills me' beard
glistening cutlass prevails
yarrgh, silly ninja

I be more pirate
yer salty hide can't outdo
my two eyepatches

a pirate off-guard
speak of the steering wheel joke
aye, it saves the day

[Damocles]

loot, plunder, rob, steal
today's financial markets
pirates are ideal

Captain Karikas
has a real job, however...
Yarrrgh! Not today, mates!

September 19
yer scurvy hide walks the plank
if I hear no "ARRRrrrgghhh"s!

[Damocles]

1 Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It?s rated AARRRRGGH!

2 What's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation?
A cAARRRRGGH!

3 what's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
arrrr

[Damocles]

4 what's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?
arrrrgyle

5 what is a pirates favorite study subject?
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

6 what's a pirate's second-choice job?
an arrrrrrchitect!

[Damocles]

7 This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me up0 the wall!!

[Damocles]

8 A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "Oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" The kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my head!"

[Damocles]

9 How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer

10 What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?
ships ahoy

11 What do you call a pirate that skips class?
captain hooky!

[Damocles]

12 A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird felgercarb!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the HOOK yet."

[Damocles]

13 Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
because he left it off the hook!

14 What does a pirate say when he takes over santa's job?
ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

15 What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!

[Damocles]

16 What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite socks? Arrrrgyle.

What does a pirate think happens at the end of time? Arrrrmageddon.

What's a pirate's favorite food? Arrrrrtichokes.

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite basketball move? Jump hook.

How do pirates make their money? By hook or by crook.

[Damocles]

Why do pirates make excellent fishermen? They know how to hook the big ones.

Where do pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners.

Did you hear about the pirate's parrot that fell in love with a duck? The bird kept saying, "Polly wants a quacker".

[Damocles]

Why couldn't the young pirate see the R-rated movie? There was no parrot-al guidance.

Why should pirates work for FedEx? They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

What's it called when a pirate's sloop runs aground? It's ship out of luck.

[Damocles]

Why don't pirates use a safe deposit box? They put their valuables in Davy Jones' Locker.

Who's the pirate's favorite actress? Diane Cannon.

Why did the pirate refuse to say, "Aye, Aye, Captain"? Because he's only got one eye.

[Damocles]

What's the pirate's favorite restaurant? Trick question because it's either Jolly Roger or Long John Silver's.

How could the pirate acquire the ship so cheaply? Because it was on sail.

Why did the pirate not learn how to bowl? He had a severe hook.

[Damocles]

Who was the pirate's favorite musician? Carlos Bandana.

Why couldn't the pirate stop thinking about sailing? He had ship for brains.

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

[Damocles]

What was Bluebeard's wife's name? Peg.

How do pirates eat on their ships? Slurp soup on the sloop.

How does a pirate greet a yoyo? Yo Ho.

[Damocles]

What's a pirate's favorite companion? Someone who parrots.

What exercise is hard for Blackbeard? Pirate Pilates.

[Damocles]

When boxing, what's a pirate's favorite punch? Left hook.

What's a pirate's least favorite animal? Termites.

If Blackbeard played sports who would he play for? Either the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Pittsburg Pirates.

[Damocles]

How does a pirate, wearing a patch, say "yes" to the leader? Eye Eye, Captain.

What do you have to watch for when sitting down on a wooden toilet seat? Long john slivers.

What does a pirate put on toast? Jelly Roger.

[Damocles]

What's it called when a pirate seeks treasure? Hide and rob..

What's a pirate's favorite movie? Booty and the Beast.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean

[Damocles]

Where do pirates buy their sketch pads? Arrrrrrrt Supply Store.

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Which pirate ship has a gate? Frigate.

[Damocles]

How does a pirate tell his matey to get out of the toilet and secure everything for an upcoming storm? Button up the britches and batten down the hatches!

What is a buccaneer? Pretty high price to pay for corn.

Where does a pirate store his workout clothes? Davy Jone's Locker.

[Damocles]

What's Bluebeard's favorite song? Doubloon Moon.

What kind of look does a pirate give right before walking off the ship? Plank stare.

How does a pirate tell his matey he'll watch for him? I'll keep an eye out for you.

[Damocles]

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

[Damocles]

A man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."

" I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".

" Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday . That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."

[Damocles]

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"