Relationships...

[Proximo]

What's this? A guy with woman trouble? How shocking...

All (alleged) joking aside, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Basically I feel as if I've screwed up my love life over some very, very silly things...

A little background. About 5 years ago I proposed to my fiancée but, for various reasons we weren't able to set a date. At the time I was just so happy that a woman had actually taken interest in me that I didn't actually consider if she was the right one. Hell, I loved her, and I still lover her like crazy, but there are certain small things where we don't see eye-to-eye... specifically about certain religions things and the way we would rasie oour kids - that is, if she were actually willing to have children... she thinks it isn't fair to inflict any possiblie genetic diseases (she's mildly aspergic) she might have on them.

For the past few months I've been having doubts about things, even though I know I would be icredibly happy with her most of the time. I wouldn't be completely fulfilled though, since she's said she never wants to have kids and I do. She was very adamnant about it...

And here comes the Big Problem. I've found myself attracted to another woman, just a little, and just when we managed to figure out a possible date for marriage. On the surface it sounds like your typical man getting cold feet when he realises his number's up, and most of the time I hope and pray that's all it is... but... I've just known for a long time that something is missing. There have been communication problems. I've basically screwed up my marriage before it even starts and the possibility that I'm going to loose this beautiful part of my life is really tearing me apart, but unless she accomodates these two things that I've mentioned... I mean, I've changed an awful lot in the past 4 years because of her. I've become a better person. So... basically what I'm syaing is that at the moment I feel like crap, and I desperately need someone to tell me everything is going ot be alright.

Only, that doesn't work, because I've heard it all before...

The fact that I'm looking elsewhere scares me half to death, because it means I'm actually considering that I might not want to spend my life with this person. I guess there's not much more to say beyond that.

Call me scum if you like. At the moment, I feel like a complete bastard.

[Darth Marley]

Well,I wouldn't call you scum.

You can tell all of us,now you need to tell HER. At least about the contintions,the few things you need to have go your way or will spend the rest of your married life miserable and wondering about the road not taken.
Religion and children,I can relate to how that can screw up an apparently promising relationship.

Best advice about marriage,if you have any doubt,and are not absolutly convinced you want this woman 'til death,etc. then don't go through with it.But don't trust me,I think G. Gordon Liddy said something to that effect.

Lonliness sucks,but not nearly as bad as being stuck with a woman killing your dreams.

Dont think about it in terms of "the other woman" as the universe often inflicts these "feast or famine" situations upon us. Stick to solving the problem in terms of do you love this woman you are engaged to enough to live happily ever after?

[Proximo]

I must scare people.

DM, that's teh same advice everyone has been giving me. I guess it must mean something... well, we have been talking about this for a little while now, to be sure, but until she gets home we can't really discuss it properly. It looks like we might... well it looks lke it'll go either way, actually.

[Darth Marley]

If it doesn't work out,you can study under Zap Brannigan's school of dating.

[bsg1fan1975]

Proximo, let me share a bit of advice. Communication with the one you love in your life is the most essential part of a relationship. I nearly found out too late as there have been problems that the man I love and I have been going through and I was blinded to the problems a bit. We are stepping back and talking more instead of just letting things go on as they were.

In my case I know where my man and I stand on the issues you and this woman are facing.

Just remember that facing the issues and not running away from them are the most important. You have to figure out what you both want and go from there. Give and take is a two way street. I hope this helps.

Originally posted by Darth Marley
Religion and children,I can relate to how that can screw up an apparently promising relationship.

Proximo: I wouldn't necessarily consider these to be small issues... I think a conversation with a marriage counselor or a minister might be a good idea before you tie the knot, even if you just go by yourself. They have probably seen a lot of relationships like yours after the vows have been taken, and might be able to help you get a grip on how much these issues really mean to you and whether you'll be able to successfully sublimate them before you commit to a lifetime deal.

As a divorcee, I can tell you that you don't want the pain of trying to correct a mistake later by calling your marriage quits... Hindsight is 20/20 but it can also be emotionally, physically and financially expensive.

Mark Snyder
Seoul, Korea

[amberstar]

You really need to talk to her and be open about the issues you are having. The time you have spent in this relationship and the love you have I hope you can find a way to work things out.
Children and religion are not minor issues. I think that
Seoulwind has given you good advice to seek help from a counsleor or minister.

Amber

[Proximo]

Well like I say, we've been talking about it already, but we can't decide anyting until she comes home next friday... I've got a long wait ahead of me now.

[Dawg]

It will work out.

One way or the other, it will work out, and the end result will be for the best (even if it doesn't feel like it at first).

The people who are telling you that kids and religion are not small issues are dead-on right, Proximo. Either, alone, is a relationship killer.

The only way to defuse them as issues is to be up front and completely honest.

In my own case, as an example, as Mrs. Dawg and I were getting to know each other the concept of children together was an issue - she needed to know with absolute certainty that, if we entered into a long-term relationship, that I was OK with the fact that there could be no children - that I would have no biological offspring.

Since I had maintained for years that small children were wonderful -properly cooked - this really wasn't a major issue. Besides, her daughter became my daughter even before we married, so I am more a Dad than her biological father ever was, and now I am also a grandfather (X3).

Religion was never a big issue for us (we're both pagan heathens in spite of our upbringings - her Catholic, me Methodist/Unitarian), but it is for some people.

If there is any question, at all, in your mind, I would encourage you and she talk to a professional before a final decision is made about what direction you will take your relationship. I would also encourage you to go to a secular counselor, rather than clergy, simply because there is no overt religious filter for the psychology involved, and you can get a more unbiased sounding board that way.

Good luck, my friend, however it works out.



I am
Dawg

[Muffit]

Hi Proximo,

I think you have already taken the hardest step, to ask for help. It takes a very brave person, which you must be. Instead of sharing what I think, I will only say that I will be thinking of you and hoping things will turn out for you. Sometimes it helps just to know others are thinking/praying for you. When you don't feel alone, the next steps sometimes come easier.

Affectionately,
Muffit

[bsg1fan1975]

To Proximo:

Keep in mind what I have said. Talking is a major part of a relationship. if you don't talk with the other person it could hurt the relationship badly.

-------

To Dawg:

I am the happy well adjusted daughter of a woman who was married twice. My father died a cople of months after i turned 3. My mother waited for the right guy to come along for almost 7 years. My stepdad took me in his heart the minute he met me. That was almost 20 years ago. We are really close. Even though I am not his daughter by birth he treats me as if I am his own child.

[Proximo]

Well, nice to hear that some people are having the good life...

[bsg1fan1975]

I wouldn't say working through my problems with my fiance is easy. We have some major stumbling blocks in our way. Love is never easy!

[Dawg]

Originally posted by bsg1fan1975
To Dawg:

I am the happy well adjusted daughter of a woman who was married twice. My father died a cople of months after i turned 3. My mother waited for the right guy to come along for almost 7 years. My stepdad took me in his heart the minute he met me. That was almost 20 years ago. We are really close. Even though I am not his daughter by birth he treats me as if I am his own child.

Hun, that's exactly the way I feel about my stepdaughter. She's as much a part of me as if she were my biological child.

I was just lucky enough to not have to change diapers and the like as she was growing up.



I am
Dawg

[jewels]

Proximo:
I would concur with everyone on the encouragement to talk about it with your lady. Religion and children are very important. When I married my husband I went in instinctively knowing more than his doctors would admit about his ability to have kids. Because of that question in my gut, we talked about adoption before we were married. When we discovered a couple of years later that for us to concieve our own kid required doctors playing hormone roulette with him, we chose adoption to build our family. (docs have studied how to help women, but there's little info on helping men--and it's a 50/50 problem, requires the same drugs for either sex). Because we had discussed the possibility before we were married, the groundwork was there so we could approach the obstacles to us becoming a family a lot easier.

A lot of strength and endurance can be added to a relationship by a shared faith too. And I think some secular counselors are the wrong place to go: if they don't see religion as important and you do, you'd be better off talking to a minister, even if it's a minister of a different denomination or faith than either of yours. There is a spiritual level of relationship in a marriage which can either pull it apart or hold it together through the rough times. People that are the same faith, but different levels of "devoutness" can even run into this snag.

It may be tough now, but no matter which way your current relationship goes, you will be better for going through this.

If one of you is hard core on religion the other must be willing to go over. If both of you are hard core on separate religions or one of you is anti-religion your relationship will not work. My wife and I come from entirely different religious backgrounds. We are both religious but neither major church goers so it has never been an issue.

Children is an issue you should know before you get married. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't it could destroy your marriage if kids never come. Men often think "I can think about this stuff later". The honest truth is you can't. After many years of marriage you don't want to decide whether you want to be divorced or accept a lonely old age for whoever goes second. Friends, nieces, and nephews will never love or care for you like well raised children.

Personally I think if you don't know if you want to be married I think you shouldn't. I also think your fiancee needs to look for someone who really thinks she is the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with. Maybe if neither of you two are married in a couple years you might find she was the love of your life after all. Don't keep her hostage either.

[Proximo]

Thursday is the Big Talk. She comes home tomorrow evening, and we're going to spend the night in blissful ignorance and denial. After that, I could be getting married in the summer or spending it alone.

Ain't life grand?

[thomas7g]

You mentioned she don't want to have kids due to a problem she has.

May I suggest you get Rima's advice. After all, she has Retinitis Pigmentosa which will cause her to become blind eventually. Also her sister just had a miscarriage. So she can probably give you a useful perspective about your fiancee's fears. She isn't on much, but maybe you can email her.

I'm probably the last person with valid opinions on this subject. I'm not one for relationships of any length. But there is a tendency for men to argue the logic of a position but missing what a woman wants. I would suggest providing security for her fears. Assure her that despite the disease she came out to be a completely wonderful person. And you have no doubts that any child of hers would do well and be able to be happy in life.

I'll shut up now and let the ones with experience take over.

Hope things go well graham.

[bsg1fan1975]

I too am facing the religious issue. My fiance is Catholic and I am Lutheran. When we knew that we wanted to get married we started talking about the issues. His viewpoint is that he would never force me to change my religion unless I wanted. I agreed to that. We both know that children will come and we do not care what we have as long as they are okay. But my situation is different than others and some may feel differently about having children because of certain issues.

[Proximo]

Where's a broken heart smiley when you need one?

Well, it's over. Not really much more to say... she just isn't in to the whole breeding thing. We part as friends, though I'll always love her. One interesting outcoe though... we've decided that if neither of us is married in 20 years, we'll get back together again and have another go. I like the idea, though I can't see it actually happening. It's barely been a week and there's already people saying they're interested in me.

This is where I have to be careful now. I'm sort of interested in someone else - I think I mentioned her earlier - but I'm holding off for now to make sure it's not a rebound thing. I'll be visiting her in the states next year. We'll see how things go from there...

I guess life goes on, eh?

[thomas7g]

I'm sorry to hear that thinks went bad. I wish things had gone better for you.

As for the new girl... go for it! You only live once. Don't do a Britany, but if someone likes ya, and you feel the need for companionship. Jump in! Learn to swom latter!

I'm not a wise person. But I'm starting to learn to take more risks in my old age.

[nightscape2112]

sorry to hear that your heart was broken. atleast you were honest and so was she. if in your heart you want to have a child and she does not, it is best that both were honest.

give it some time and you will find someone to share your hopes and dreams with.

i know it sounds lame but it will get better,

nightscape

[bsg1fan1975]

sorry to hear that things didn't work out. At least you parted on good terms.