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Old April 15th, 2014, 09:13 PM   #2401
Senmut
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How does the house pay out to winners on the Rising Star?

In Star Bucks.
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Old April 30th, 2014, 05:07 PM   #2402
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

lol keep 'em coming. I'm going to need a bit of cheer to help me through a difficult essay for my English class
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Old May 1st, 2014, 04:12 PM   #2403
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison!
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old May 16th, 2014, 07:40 AM   #2404
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How do ghosts like their coffee?

With scream and sugar!
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Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old July 1st, 2014, 01:41 PM   #2405
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

An astronaut preparing for launch was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 800,000 parts all supplied by the lowest bidder?"


This is "joke" of the day, but does anyone have a problem with 2 of them?


A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
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Old August 13th, 2014, 03:12 AM   #2406
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

lol
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old August 28th, 2014, 07:57 AM   #2407
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A woman gives birth to twins and gives them up for adoption. One twin goes to family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal", the other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. The woman tells her husband that she wishes that "Ahmal" would have sent her a picture of himself as well. The husband remarks, "They're twins! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:38 PM   #2408
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The Chief was bragging to the Captain one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, the Captain called his bluff, "Okay, Chief, how about Chuck Norris?"
"Sure, yes, Chuck and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Chuck Norris' door and sure enough, Chuck Norris, shouts, "Chief!! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, the Captain is still skeptical. After they leave Norris' house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Norris was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President Bush, the Captain quickly retorts."
"Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, "Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Captain come on in and let's catch up."
Well, the Captain is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The new Pope," the Captain replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But, by the time he returns, he finds that the Captain has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Captain, what happened to him.
The Captain looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief.'"
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:39 PM   #2409
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.

Everyone here gets enough exercise:

Jumping to conclusions;
Flying off the handle;
Carrying things too far;
Dodging responsibilities; and
Pushing their luck.
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:40 PM   #2410
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

The tactful Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
__________________

Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:41 PM   #2411
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A man was in a clock shop trashing everything. When asked by the police what he was doing, his response was: "Killing time."
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:41 PM   #2412
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
__________________

Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 12:42 PM   #2413
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. "Is there any message you may wish to give your husband if we find him?" "Yes", she replied eagerly, "Tell him mother didn't come after all"
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 02:22 PM   #2414
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What is the difference between illegal and unlawful?

"Ill-Eagle" is a sick bird and "unawful" is something that is not awful.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 02:23 PM   #2415
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

A nun walks into a bar, the other four duck.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 04:14 PM   #2416
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

What do you call a cow with a violin?

Fiddler on the Hoof.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 04:17 PM   #2417
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '


Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'


The doctor replies ' Denephew '
__________________

Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 04:33 PM   #2418
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started... ******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.... ******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started... ******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started..... *****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started... ******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started... ******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started... ******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started... ******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started... ******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's d&$n near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
__________________

Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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Old June 21st, 2017, 04:35 PM   #2419
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Default Re: Clean joke of the day.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
__________________

Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces!
Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you?
Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
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