Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD
------------------------------------
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use for Data's detached head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy

[Damocles]

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
-------------------------------------------------------
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive
thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise
from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic
stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences
in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

[Damocles]

20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
----------------------------------------
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are
all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a
funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which
the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people
which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves
out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley
Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon
cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them
into bits too small to find on the first shot.

[Damocles]

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
shuttlecraft
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make
it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away
team beams back up

[Damocles]

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
---------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!

[Damocles]

These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".
Q> How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A> None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q'> What do they do with the dead bulb?
A'> Execute it for failure.

Q"> What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A"> Execute him for cowardice.

[Damocles]

#1 on the BORG Hit Parade: We all sleep in a single subroutine.

#2 on the Borg Hit Parade: Borg in the USA. All a Borg!

#3 Assimilate me tender - Elvis of Borg.

[Damocles]

Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Tagline theft is futile.

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a. Taglines are irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Borg Moderator - Your topic is irrelevant.

Borg Starter Kit: some assimilation required.

[Damocles]

Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.

Borg spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3.

[Damocles]

Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)

My other computer is a Borg.

[Damocles]

GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO - Borg subroutines.

Gates of Borg: OEMs will be assimilated.

[Damocles]

McBorgers: Over 50 million assimilated.

Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation.

[Damocles]

Borg-again Christian. Resistance to my sermon is futile.

Borg Sticker. "Don't like our driving? Call 1-800-IRRELEVANT."

[Damocles]

BorgBurgers. We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.

BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename.

[Damocles]

Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated.

Borg, James Borg. Vodka martini, gin is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Clinton Borg - The economy is irrelevant.

Ernest BORGnine... you be the judge.

[Damocles]

Geraldo of Borg: Next brothers who assimilate sisters.

Groucho Borg: That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated.

[Damocles]

HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.

Hillary of Borg: Choice is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.

I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.

[Damocles]

I am Bart of Borg - who the hell are you?

I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?

[Damocles]

I am Caffeine of Borg. Sleep is irrelevant.

I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!

[Damocles]

I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated.

I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am.

I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.

[Damocles]

I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated.

I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to pull my finger.

[Damocles]

I am Fudd of Borg! Pwepawe to be assimiwated!

I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!

[Damocles]

I am Garfield of Borg - Hairballs are irrelevant.

I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!

[Damocles]

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

I am Hugh of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Geordi is our friend. He can watch.

[Damocles]

I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.

I am Madonna of Borg. Gender is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

I am Madonna of Borg: Justify my assimilation!

I am NBC of Borg. You will be Affiliated